15 Years Ago

Fifteen years ago today I stood in front of the man that stole my heart and I became his wife. I remember being scared, excited and oh so loved. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world and 15 years later, in spite of our trials I still feel that way.

The day I accepted his proposal I had no idea what I would have to endure years later. I didn't know that our life would go from being picture perfect to broken and almost beyond repair. It seems unbelievable now that we are still married, and that we actually love one another again. I honestly didn't think we would make it this far, and as much as I hoped to be that couple we were on our wedding day I never truly thought it was possible.

We aren't the same two people we were on our wedding day. We are stronger and have learned to appreciate life, love, and each other more than ever before. Infidelity has taught me that I am strong, patient, how to have hope and how to love unconditionally. I have learned so much about my marriage, my husband and myself from our experiences. When I was ready to join my husband in giving up on my marriage he took the initiative to step up and make things right after all the destruction he placed in our lives. When I was weak, he became the strong one. When our marriage was broken and our love almost non-existent we both shifted our focus on our family and on each other. We have both grown tremendously and it amazes me that we are in this wonderful happy place again.

I understand how delicate and precious life is. I have learned to appreciate what life has thrown at me. If it had not been so hard I would not have known just how strong I can be. I would not have known how to truly be grateful for the life I am living today.

I thank God for bringing us back together. Our paths crossed 17 years ago and life has never been the same. Through all of the heartache we survived, and while I try not to dwell any longer on what has happened, I try to remember that I am right where I want to be. I love my husband and the life we continue to build...together, as husband and wife! I want our story to be an inspiration to those that are learning to love again. Anything is possible!

Happy Anniversary, my love!

"Get Over It"

"GET OVER IT"...God I hate those words! Might as well say "you've had plenty of time to heal, why are you still hung up on your spouse cheating on you?" Sadly, those words usually come from the spouse that betrayed you. If you get over it they no longer have to live with the repercussions of their actions. 

I could sit here and lie to you by telling you that getting over infidelity will be a smooth and quick process but in all honesty it's anything but that. Believe it or not it is a grieving process; it's not as difficult as losing a loved one but you do grieve the death of your marriage. Everything that you thought you had is now gone and you're left wondering what the next move should be. Wondering what happened and how you can move on. I wish I could put a time frame as to when the pain goes away but unfortunately I can't. It depends on you and how long it takes you to feel normal again. Listed below are different stages I went through as I tried to cope with my husband's infidelity. 

1. Shock

You find out your spouse has betrayed you and your first thought may be to cry, run, scream or shoot it may be to punch them square in the face. No matter what your reaction is you will without a doubt be in utter and complete shock. 

2. Denial

Once the initial shock subsides you play this game of "I can't believe it, maybe I'm wrong." You might even refuse to believe that the affair happened. This is normal but it isn't a stage you want to remain in for too long because it will delay you beginning the healing process. Trust me!! 

3. Obsession

You will not be able to stop thinking about the betrayal, focusing on anything else will be so hard and when you finally do set your attention on something else you will find your mind going right back to the hurt you've endured. Another obsession is that no matter how you found out you will become obsessed with finding out more details about the affair. You will stalk your spouse like never before; it is such an ugly feeling because it consumes so much of your time and energy. Not to mention the guilt you feel for even following their every move. 

4. Anger

You found out your spouse cheated and you're hurt but there will be a point when you are angry as hell. You have every right to be and you have every right to lash out at them for what they have done. This is something I didn't do too often and at times I wish I had. It's a release that I feel is necessary to let out because the longer it boils the worse it will be when you finally let it out. If you need to scream and holler at them...DO IT!! They hurt you, they destroyed your comfort zone and they should give you the chance to release your feelings. So long as it isn't physically. 

5. Haggling

Do you fix your marriage? Do you leave? You begin to think a little more clearly after things settle down and you're left wondering if you should stay or go. You try to bargain with your spouse to seek marriage counseling, and spend more time apart or together. You start finding ways to compromise to make them happy so you can stay together. Be realistic with your "demands and compromises" and I say this from experience...keep your dignity while doing so. When we have been betrayed we tend to seek what our spouse was receiving from their affair partner, whether it be emotional, physical or something completely different. You should feel comfortable and remain positive about the outcome you are working for. 

6. Depression

This has got to be by far the hardest stage of getting past your spouse's infidelity. It's a dark and lonely place. The person you once were is almost nonexistent. Sleeping is now your best friend during the day and your worst enemy during the night hours. Eating is just something you no longer have a taste for and your mood is anything but pleasant. Shutting yourself off from the world is your way of dealing with the pain, at least then you don't have to answer questions, explain your situation to others or face life as a whole. I know it's hard not to let the depression get the best of you but shutting yourself out of everything and from everyone isn't going to help you. You need to talk to someone, even if it's just a friend or family member. Let your feelings out and begin the healing process. 

7. Acceptance

The time will come when you finally accept your situation, the changes in your life and that you are probably now a different person. Just because you accept it doesn't mean you no longer have to deal with everything that comes with infidelity. It just means that you have survived something unthinkable and you can now turn your focus on moving forward. If you stay with your spouse you can now begin to positively accept them and put in the work necessary to move forward together. If you decide to leave you can now accept the fact that you have moved on from all the pain and can begin the next chapter in your life. 

A Letter to My Children

To my sweet babies,

I realize that as I write this letter you are all still young but I know that one day you will come across this. This is the hardest letter I have written but I want to explain some things that you may one day question. First, let me start out by saying that I love you three so much; anything I ever did was for you. While life may not have been great at times I never once wanted you to be hurt due to mine or your Daddy's actions. 

When he and I first met we were happy and so much in love. As each of you came into our lives we knew what it meant to love unconditionally and that our job as parents was to protect you from any harm. The last thing we wanted was to be the ones to be the cause of any pain, heartache or confusion. You have watched us grow apart and you have seen how we can still love each other after all that we have been through. 

It was never a secret that things between your Daddy and me were far from perfect. While we tried to shelter you from our problems there were some things that we just couldn't keep from you. From his first sit down with you boys explaining how he was leaving us to his unexplained days away to make himself better. You saw him move in and out of our home over and over. We never intended for any of this to happen and the last thing we want is for our actions to have any long term affects on your lives. I can't see into the future but I pray that you will each grow to be strong, loving individuals. I hope that you can learn from our mistakes so that you never have to experience all that we have been through.  

I want you to always remember that no matter what you have seen, heard or felt we never blamed you. You will learn that life can be harsh, unexpected things can happen and as much as you try to avoid certain things sometimes you just can't. There were times I felt like giving up but I didn't. You all were my inspiration to pick myself up and keep going. You saw me smile through my tears and you've seen your Daddy search for a life that wasn't as wonderful as he thought it would be. It didn't mean that he didn't want you children, he was lost and in a dark place. He faced certain demons and had to hit rock bottom before realizing that his family was what he needed all along. 

Yes, he did some pretty horrible things and his actions caused a lot of pain to us all but honestly, he is a great person. Underneath that tough exterior is a strong, loving man who would do anything for others. He may have strayed from our marriage for a while but during those times I never gave up on him. I married your Daddy for his heart and there hasn't been a day that I stopped loving him. One day you will meet someone that has the same affect on you and I just hope that you love them enough to help them through their dark times. 

Little Aaron: You are the most caring person I have ever known. You genuinely care for those around you and have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I have seen you be there for me, even when you weren't sure what was happening and that showed me how wonderful you will be when others lean on you for comfort. It isn't something you learn...it's in your heart, you were made that way. Don't ever settle for anyone that isn't as wonderful as you are! 

Dakota: Oh my how you amaze me!! You are so full of life and even during your sad days you smile. I see myself in you, we both wear our emotions on our sleeves and the last thing we want is for others, mainly Daddy, to be upset with us. When he is upset with you I can see all over your face that you are truly hurt. He loves you so much! I know that he sees a lot of himself in you when he was your age. Your personality is what makes you awesome, I hate that during our struggles you seemed to be the most affected. There were times you remained quiet and reserved; you even lost your smile some. Sweet baby, don't ever lose your smile again. You have so much to offer this world and I know that you will have your heart broken as you get older. I know this because like me you want others to love as much as you do. 

Savannah: Where do I even begin...you are a feisty, oh so strong child. I worry about you the most. I know that you will never have any problem taking care of yourself but I do worry that you will one day hurt like I have. I know I shouldn't but I dread the day a boy breaks your heart. When you marry I will worry that your husband will hurt you as your Daddy has hurt me. It breaks my heart, I have put up with so much from him and I don't want that for you. I want you to be stronger than I ever was and not live a life of constant fear and question of whether or not you are loved for all the right reasons. You are not disposable, you deserve respect and you should always love yourself enough to know when to walk away, no matter what the situation may be. It has taken me a long time to be that strong and I hope that you can one day be proud of me. You are a Daddy's girl and I know that he would never want a man to treat you as he has me. I wish I could erase our past but I can't, all I can do is start at this very moment to teach you how to love. I pray that by the time you find this letter you will have seen by your Daddy how a husband is to love and respect his wife. I hope he shows you that he has changed and that his heart is in the right place. You are his little princess and he will do whatever it takes to protect you. 

I want you all to promise me something, always be true to yourself. Boys, when you meet someone I want you to treat them as God intended them to be treated. You will meet people that are going to hurt you and betray you; some of them will be friends. Learn from them, don't be like them. A person with a good heart will not go around trying to destroy others. You are better than that, let God deal with them because the moment you try to destroy them for the pain they cause you is the moment you become just like them! They aren't worth it, trust me. 

Never accept an apology unless it is from the heart, forgiveness is the key to peace in your heart but sadly, you will never forget how they made you feel. That's ok, it will teach you how to be a better person. Lastly, always strive to be someone who is kind, loving, compassionate and humble. 

Love always,


Mommy

Leap of Faith

I have a confession...

I am scared out of my mind. I'm terrified actually, and I've been hiding this fear from my husband for too long.  

What am I so terrified of? Finally being at peace in my marriage!  

Things are going so well and it scares me!! This is new territory for me and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. I keep waiting for the ball to drop and crush me. Why would it not? After all the pain that I have had to endure, it becomes difficult to believe that anything good could be handed to me. Don't get me wrong, I love being happy and I am really loving this new "peace in my heart" thing. I just can't stop thinking about when it's going to be ripped away from me. Isn't that heartbreaking?!?

My husband has been wonderful. I see more and more of the man I fell in love with so long ago and he's doing great at making me feel loved, appreciated and wanted. I couldn't ask for more from him and I'm so thankful for the place we are at this very moment in our lives. We worked way too hard to get here and I fear that my happiness will be yanked away. I'm mentally and emotionally at peace and it feels great!! It's just scary. *sigh*

I'm naturally an optimistic person and while I'm not complaining about how things are, I'm just weary. I've built this wall, a really tall wall and as I peek over it I notice that everything on the other side of that wall looks peaceful, comforting and safe. I'm afraid to go on that side because if I do I will enjoy it too much and before a matter of time I fear I will have to go back to the other side. The side that is dark, cold and lonely. The side that is filled with pain and sorrow lurking in the shadows as it whispers my name, calling me closer and closer to it. 

It's time I take a leap of faith and trust that I deserve all the good that life is offering me. It may be scary at first but I know I won't be there alone. I will hold my husband's hand and stop being afraid. 

Wish me luck...

How We Became US...

I spend a lot of time sharing the ugly side of my marriage; I thought I would share some history of our lives. The better side of things. =)

Aaron and I met seventeen years ago, I worked for his mother and I had the typical school girl crush. So you could imagine how giddy I was when he asked me out on our first date. I was so nervous and as we approached the car he opened the door for me, I remember thinking "I could get use to this." What a great start to the evening, and it made me fall for him even harder. He was so respectful and just a great person to get to know.

Our relationship moved very quickly, we spent every possible day together. During the workday he would come by and visit, bring me roses and just stay close by my side. We had a great relationship, always happy and we grew closer as each day passed. There wasn't much that we didn't agree on. We spoke about the future and how we each wanted to raise our children. Our future goals and how what we expected from our spouses if we ever married. We dated for a year and then he asked me to marry him. Our wedding was absolutely perfect! Not because it was big and fancy, but because I could feel the love this man had for me. 

After marriage we became closer and closer, we were inseparable and untouchable. The love we shared was strong and over time we welcomed three precious little lives into our world. Life was picture perfect. We created some wonderful memories and there isn't a time I look back and think "I wish that never happened." We were truly happy and in love. I never once doubted his love for me and I tried to be the best wife to him. I know that over the years I have made some mistakes. I've neglected him at certain times but I have always done my best to make him happy. 

Marrying young was a challenge; we were both growing as individuals and as a couple. Throwing children in the mix was just another added challenge. After our daughter was born our lives seemed to flip upside down. She was a blessing, and even before her birth we knew she would face certain health issues but nothing she couldn't overcome. Shortly after she was born he started working nights and once again our lives were jumbled. Before the added stress of a sick child and insane work schedule we always seemed to remain close and make things work. We weren't use to dealing with major struggles and sadly, we failed at it. 

In the past we were a team and we took pride in our relationship. I think that's why I have such a hard time wrapping my head around why we are even here. I've often wondered how we could go from being the "perfect" couple to being broken and at times complete strangers. Do we love each other? Absolutely! Can we get through it all? No doubt! Somewhere along the way we lost each other and there are times I wish we could go back and rewrite our history. Erase the weaknesses and build that wall just a little bit higher to keep others from knocking it down. I wish we could have learned to communicate better and know that during those trying times we needed to remain solid for our family. 

Sadly, we can't go back and change things. All we can do is reach into our hearts and pull that strong, loving couple back to the surface. We are doing great these days, he and I are happy and keep reminding each other why we fell in love so long ago. After all that we have been through I have no doubt that we can overcome any obstacle we may face in the future. We have grown and learned from our mistakes, we are back to protecting our marriage as we did when we first exchanged our vows. Certain aspects of our relationship will never be the same but our love is one that remains everlasting. 

A Peaceful Heart

Happy Sunday!

I woke this morning with pain in my neck and shoulders, a headache that has yet to subside and a feisty eight year old upset about what to wear. BUT....My heart was at peace!

Those listed above are a nuisance but they can easily be remedied. My heart on the other hand isn't as easy to quiet down. The times it is at peace I can see all the wonderful blessings in my life and in my marriage. I smiled and thanked God, for a great start to a new day and for my husband. 

I've had a rough couple of nights and my husband has been there to comfort me. His reassuring words, and heartfelt gestures to calm me have kept me from falling off the ledge. He knows how tough things can be for me and he understands completely when I have those moments that interrupt our lives. He says "I created the monster in you", and he's right. This is all his doing but only I can control my feelings. I am the one that can decide to wake up happy or sad and today I didn't have to choose...my heart chose for me. It's as though there was this voice whispering "everything in your life is going great, enjoy it." 

My plan for the day is to create new memories with my family, snapshot every moment and at the end of the day when I lay my head down I will ask God for another day of peace. For many this may seem like an eye rolling moment, but for me and others like me it is a glimpse of hope. It's the kind of moment we wish for every time we open our eyes.  

Have a great day! 

Raising Children Alone

Kuddos to all you single mom's reading this!! 

The thought of raising three children alone scares me. That was my biggest fear when my husband left me. I would ask myself constantly how the heck I was going to care for my kids all by myself. I saw my mother do it, so I knew it was possible but it wasn't something I wanted to experience for myself. 

I've shared how I filed for divorce and asked my husband to sign over his parental rights and I was scared out of my mind! That would mean I would be the only parent they had. I would have to find a way to provide for them in every way possible all by myself. If you're use to "being taken care of" you forget what it is like to do things on your own. I knew it would be a struggle and I would have help from others but I didn't feel comfortable asking for anything. These were my children, my responsibility. 

As I was trying to figure out how to be a single mom I then started wondering how I would survive as a single woman. What man would want to be with a mom of three? Could I ever date again, or remarry? Was it possible that one day I would be happy again, and my children would once again have a man in their lives that would love them as his own? Would they ever even accept another man that wasn't their father? I knew no man could ever replace their Daddy and I didn't want that, but there was always a possibility that another man could be a part of their lives. I wasn't ready by any means to be with someone else but those were realistic concerns that would pop into my head every now and then. The man I wanted in our lives wasn't present. Was there a man that would one day want me? Want us? 

Then it hit me...my step dad was that type of man. He welcomed my mother and her three children into his life, never showing any doubt he wanted all of us. The person he is reminded me that even though things weren't working out with my husband, it was possible to find a man that would accept me and my children. He has played a very important role in my life and while he isn't my Daddy, he is the man that helped raise me to be the adult I am today. 

I know how fortunate I am to still be with my husband, for my children to be under the same roof as their father and I wouldn't change that for anything. I was a child of divorce; I saw firsthand the struggle my mother went through to provide for my brothers and me. She survived it and she has taught me to be a strong woman, a loving mother and a beautiful human being. Because of her and all the other single mothers I know that are raising their children alone I believe that anything is possible. 

A mother is a mother, with or without a man by her side!! She will do whatever possible to be there for her children, to protect them, provide for them and love them with everything she has in her. 

I admire all of you that have done it and those who are doing it now. You have showed me that if there is ever a day I have to go at it alone I can and will do it. 



You truly are an inspiration!! 

Worst Club Ever!!

It's an exclusive club, not one everyone can be a part of. The only great thing about this club is the amazing support system you gain. I will not hand out invites to the "Betrayed Wives Club". I don't even want to be in this stupid club!! I wanted to turn in my resignation form on day one, unfortunately it comes with a lifetime membership. 

If you can't tell by now, I am having a rough day! Nothing in particular happened, just one of the perks of being in the club. You sit up on your repaired happy throne held up by Elmer's glue, praying it doesn't collapse. When a butterfly lands on it, you admire the beauty in that butterfly and embrace the moment of peace. Ahh...such a sweet moment that is!

Suddenly, a rock falls from the sky, breaks your throne, kills your butterfly and smacks you right on the face. The note on the rock says "no, no, NO...you are NOT supposed to be smiling!"

I have two choices at this point; sit and sulk, reliving painful memories and throwing that same rock that smacked me in the face at my husband. OR I can choose to push the good memories of my marriage to the front and allow my heart to smile again.

Today, I am choosing to toss that rock aside and remembering a special day. I'm replaying our wedding day. All of the planning, excitement and anticipation of becoming husband and wife. Making a promise in front of our family, friends and God to become one. We vowed to stand by each other through our happiest moments AND our darkest times. I see two young people, although scared out of their minds lighting a unity candle. 

It's more symbolic to me almost 15 years later than it was at that very moment. We each held a candle and together we lit one flame. Today that flame is still lit inside of us. There are times it is almost so dim we can't see it, but there are also times it shines so bright that we can see beyond what is just right in front of us. I love those moments! 

If I'm being completely honest, there are times I want to just blow that candle out and smash it to the ground. Not because I no longer want to be one with my husband, but because I would like to light a new candle. A fresh start, a chance for this new flame to never go dim again.

A girl can dream...if I do ever get a new candle I would use it to burn my membership card for that horrible club I'm now a member of. I've now learned how to protect it, how to keep others from going near it. And if all else fails, I feel confident in using it to burn those that try and blow it out!! ;) 

My Husband's Depression

I've spoken about my depression and how bad it became and I feel it's only right that I share my husband's also. It may shed a little light on his actions. His has been going on for several years, some treated and some not. I really can't say when it all began but I can say that when he was working nights I started noticing changes in him. He was tired all the time from his work schedule, but I started noticing a difference in being tired and choosing to stay in bed to sleep his problems away. When he was awake he seemed to show anger towards me and anything I said resorted in him getting mad and storming out. He went from never wanting to do anything by himself to now wanting time alone and pushing me away. This went on until I confronted him about everything, after I had learned the truth things only got worse. He seemed to resent me and became more distant than ever. 

After discovering why he had been acting so bizarre his moods seemed to intensify and he spent all of his time sleeping and distancing himself from everyone around him. When he was around me and the children, he would become very quiet; he would only interact when we would point out his behavior. When I would ask what was wrong I would get a frown and a head nod. I didn't realize that he was depressed; I just figured he was up to no good and he wasn't sharing his feelings with me so I didn't suspect depression. 

My husband isn't one to drink alcohol unless he is in a social setting. He was now bringing the alcohol home and he would drink until it was all gone. As he would sit and drink alone his depression would surface along with thoughts about anything and everything he was unhappy about. He went from being happy while he was drinking to violently angry, so angry that it landed him in jail a more than once. ***Never violent towards myself or our children*** I feel I need to add that so people don't assume he ever laid a hand on us.

If I brought up his drinking or asked him to stop or slow down he would drink more out of spite. We have had two incidents at our home where he has had to be taken to the hospital for trying to hurt himself. I will not go too much into detail about both but I would like to share a little about each time. I want people to understand that depression is not something that should be ignored, taken lightly or passed off as something minor. 

Not too long ago my husband tried to drink his blues away and it resulted in him holding a gun to his head. As much as I tried talking him down I was the last person he wanted around him. When I would ask him why he felt his life was so miserable he would just say that he wasn't happy and felt he couldn't do anything right. Never giving me a full explanation as to what he meant. Thankfully, his friend was able to talk him down and the police arrived to get him the help he needed. I knew that night that there was something seriously wrong with Aaron's mental state. Watching your husband hold a gun to his head is not something you forget, especially when your children are in close proximity. I have not told him this but that night a part of me died. I saw how unhappy he truly was and it wasn't until after his second incident, taking a handful of prescription medication, that I began to understand the reasons behind it all.

Guilt and a need for attention! Guilt, for everything he has done, was doing and a fear of history repeating itself. He shared with me that he didn't know how it all happened but he is afraid that he will mess up again and this time he will lose me for good. Because I am honest with him I told him that I wasn't buying into that. IF he doesn't want it to happen then he needs to man up and remain faithful instead of giving into temptation for a woman that isn't willing to respect our marriage. He needs to respect me and what we have or it's time to end things once and for all.

As far as attention goes, well that's one I have yet to fully understand. My husband gets my attention, sometimes more than my own children do so for him to say he wanted attention was a little unsettling for me. If he wanted to let it be known he wasn't happy he could have spared us all and used his words, not a gun to his head. He was diagnosed with severe depression and so far, fingers crossed, he is in a better state of mind. He has become more open and shares with me how he is feeling. There are still times it's like trying to pull teeth to get him to open up but he is trying. I hope he learned that he can depend on me for support and share with me his deepest darkest feelings. I don't ever want him to feel that he should be embarrassed to share anything with me. The day I married him I accepted him for who he was, knowing he would have moments that were not so perfect. I also want him to realize that when he is feeling depressed he has a group of people that are here to help him get through it. 

I cringe when I hear people say depression is just a state of mind. It's not, it's something serious and until you have lived it you don't fully understand the toll it takes on a person. We hear so much about people that have lived years being depressed and it resulted in them taking their own lives. I am begging anyone reading this, please get help if you are feeling depressed. If you feel that life isn't worth living and your problems are too big to fix you are wrong. Your life is far too precious!! 

Happy New Year

Goodbye 2014!!

It's been a year of ups and downs but as with any trials I have faced I have kept my head up and rid my life of anything that drags me down. People included! I have worked far too hard to be where I am and I will keep fighting to ensure I remain on top. 

There have been some low points that I have endured this past year and like all the others they have taught me that life is too precious to dwell on the bad. Instead I try to focus on what is truly important and what needs to happen in my life and within myself to keep going. This year I have seen a different side of some people that I once considered a “friend” and sadly relatives are part of that list. It’s amazing how a person’s true colors will show when things are not picture perfect. I have learned that those who really do care about you will be by your side and lift you up as opposed to knocking you down. 

The high points from this year include developing new relationships with people that bring something positive to my life. I have seen who still offers their love and support to me and my family.Those individuals will always hold a special place in my heart.

This past year I have grown so much and have found peace within myself. I still have a long way to go but I will get there and be a better person because of it. My children are happy, healthy and just plain PERFECT!! The relationship between my husband and I has flourished and we are growing as a couple each day. We have tried to remain close and more understanding of each other’s wants and needs. I have seen such a positive change on his part and I am so proud of him! I have waited a long time for that person to show his face again.

An unexpected blessing in my life has been this blog. I took a risk and it has paid off in so many positive ways. I did not expect it to be anything other than an opportunity to reach just one person. My pain and suffering has been a blessing in disguise and I am so blessed to have the chance to share my story with anyone that comes across it. Although I wish I had a happier subject I am glad that I can allow others to see that no matter what we may face in our relationships we can turn the negatives into positives.

My wish for anyone reading this is that no matter what 2014 may have thrown your way you see how far you have come and how much you have grown because of it. This coming year let us not dwell on what our lives are missing, but rather focus on what is right in front of us. Slow down and embrace the joy in each and every moment. 

Have a very safe and happy 2015!! 

The Worst Battle

Have you ever truly listened to what your mind is telling you but ignored it because your heart says something completely different? 

During the dark moments after my husband's affair my head was saying "you have to let him go, he isn't worth all the pain and suffering." However, my heart would say "you love him, don't let go of what can still be." It's hard to truly know what you should do and trust that you're making the right decision in the end. If I had let him completely go our lives would be so different today. We wouldn't have had the chance to be a strong couple again; the love we once shared would have been just a memory. The feeling of comfort, security and completeness would be no more. If I stayed with him I would risk being hurt all over again.  

For the longest time I tried to listen to my head because it seemed to offer the more sensible solution. I would end the marriage, move on and find happiness again. Sounds easy enough right? The only problem was that my heart was shouting "BUT YOU LOVE HIM!" What do you do when you are living in the worst battle of your life? You follow your heart and pray it's going to lead you down the path you're meant to be on. Even if your head is kicking and screaming along behind, and that's exactly what it felt like. My heart knew being with him was what I wanted but my head kept reminding me of what he did, that he could do it again and that I was giving him complete control to break my heart all over again. 

I was mentally, emotionally and physically worn out. The million dollar question was which would I let win the battle? My heart or my head? Both leading to different outcomes and equally scary. Not just for me, but also for my children. No matter what risk I took it would impact us all and it was something I had to live with. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know which decision was the "right" one, and what if I made the wrong one? What if I made a selfish decision and only thought of myself? 

The man I knew was gone, the life I cherished was almost non-existent and the only thing I had left from the life we built together was our three children. I had to put their future and their lives before my own.I had to do what was best for them! I used what little faith I had left and asked God to give me the strength I needed for what was to come and asked that if He had something different planned for us I needed him to show me immediately. Well guess what...God doesn't work like that! You can't make Him do anything and He will show you what He has planned when HE is ready. 

I waited for a sign, any sign at all and I got absolutely nothing from Him. I lost my faith that day and I was so angry at God for not telling me what I should do, angry at my husband for putting me through this all alone and angry at myself for wanting to let my heart win the battle. With all of that anger built up inside I did it...I made the decision to ignore my heart and go with the what my head was telling me. It was time to let him go! He couldn't hurt me anymore if he was gone. 

On November 9, 2010 I filed for divorce and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I was scared, lonely and questioned what I did to deserve this and why my children had to suffer because of it. Signing the divorce papers caused me to have a mental breakdown and yet I had to hold it all together for three precious lives that were depending on me to be their rock. And yes, I was still waiting on God to take over. At that moment I needed Him and with each day that passed I gave up my trust in Him more and more. I could no longer depend on my husband to be there for us, in fact I had him agree to sign over his parental rights. It was my way of protecting them from him abandoning them any longer. 

My husband needed to hit rock bottom and my children needed him to do so just as badly. I didn't care about myself at this point, I just wanted to protect them and stop them from hurting, ALL of them. 

All I could do was sit back and wait for a miracle. Sometimes that's all we can do. 

Christmas Funk

Christmas has always been a joyous time for our family. Even through pain we have suffered in the past we have put on a smile for our children. This year for me is no exception. I am not having the best day, and not for any reason in particular. I am so blessed to have my husband and children by my side yet I feel sad and emotional and I'm not exactly sure why. 

I think it's just the reminder that we have been through hell and back several times over and I'm feeling the reality that tomorrow isn't always promised. I have many fears and worries, the main one being that after the holiday hustle and bustle is over I worry my husbands heart will change. He hasn't given me any reason to think that is the case but things just seem off. I know it may just be in my head, but nonetheless the feeling is very present. I know for my own sanity I need to get out of this funk and enjoy his presence and embrace the fact that we have so much to be happy about.

My children are happy, healthy and they have both, Mommy and Daddy home. I voiced my feelings to my husband and told him that I thought what it would be like without our family under one roof. I grew up celebrating holidays with one parent and it was never an ideal situation. It isn't anything I want for my own children, I don't like the thought of sharing them. I understand that many parents and children are in this situation but it's just not something I think I could get easily accustomed to. We have been given another chance at being a happy couple and family as a whole and I fear losing that. 

I know some may be saying "oh get over it, you have your husband and your children so stop your whining and enjoy Christmas!" You're absolutely right!! I'll be honest though, trying to learn to live a "normal" life again is tough. Once you find out your spouse isn't or hasn't always been happy or wanted to be with you is not something you just "get over." In some ways I think it's harder than if we hadn't have gotten back together. We are damaged and in some areas still very broken. More specifically, me. 

He may have made his choices he has to live with but I made the choice to continue to be his wife. I'm not sure who has it easier than the other. He's asked for forgiveness and put it all behind him. I am still working toward that and it seems like I take one step forward and five steps back, as opposed to the ten I'm familiar with. So I guess I can say that I have been healing better than I give myself credit for. For my sake and my families I am going to put my emotions aside and be happy!! Baby steps...teeny, tiny baby steps. I'll get through this, I always do. 

Merry Christmas to you all!! May your day be filled with an abundance of love, happiness, peace and joy!! 

Have A Little Self-Respect

Every girl dreams of finding the perfect man. A man that takes care of her and loves her. He should show her off to anyone and everyone and be proud of the special bond the two of them share. She wants to feel welcomed and accepted by his friends and family. It should be a relationship that is based on honesty and respect. Those are two things a relationship needs in order to survive and be a success. We as woman want to be treated as a lady and we want a man that isn't ashamed or embarrassed to show us off to others. 

Sadly, there are women that want the exact opposite? There are actually women that have no problem being labeled as the “other” woman. They don’t care if the relationship is based on lies and deceit, they could care less for honesty and respect. Heck, they don’t even care if the man they are involved with is married!! I for one could never be content being the other woman; I have too much respect for myself. Yes I know that "self-respect" comment sounds insane coming from the person that writes about her husband’s affair, so please spare me the eye rolls and sighs for today!

My husband was completely honest when he said “I’m married,” and because we don’t live in a perfect world he wasn't punched in the throat and told to go home to his wife. Instead, he was welcomed into the arms of someone that didn't care about me, my children, my marriage or herself for that matter. She was perfectly content being involved with a married man and with hiding their relationship from everyone. Knowing that it was never going to be a relationship he would be proud of showing off to his friends and family. Especially to his children. She would always be known for what she was..."the woman that took part in tearing his family apart." *Sigh*

I'm sorry, but I am not in the mood right now to sugarcoat and be nice and proper at this very moment so I’m just going to say it like it was…..

My husband was arm candy for a desperate older woman that has absolutely no respect for herself or anyone else! She had a young, attractive, confused man by her side and she would stop at nothing to keep. There was no problem being labeled as the other woman and him keeping his affair with her a secret from everyone. She felt absolutely no shame at all for helping tear his family to shreds and sneaking around trying to get him to go back to her after he returned home to us. It’s pretty sad how a woman can allow and want to be a man’s shameful secret, and for a man to want that type of woman just blows my mind.

Before anyone sighs or rolls their eyes at me again…yes I know that my husband had his part in it all. He is the one that started it, but again…if he had just been punched in the throat we wouldn't have had to live this nightmare we now call life and I wouldn't have anything interesting to share with you all.

Now that’s one way to look at the reason behind it all. =)

When I Hurt, My Children Hurt

The majority of my posts have been hard to write but this one is by far the toughest because while the situation took a toll on me it also did on our children. As a mother you want to shelter your children from pain and protect them as much as possible.

My mother always told me that she could tell our marriage was great because our kids were always happy. I never really paid much attention to that until we started having problems of our own and I could see changes in their behavior and moods.

Our children went from laughing and smiling all the time to being angry, quiet and sad. When I was sad, they were sad. When Daddy was angry, they turned quiet and when we were happy they were also happy but I’m sure they were confused. It’s true when they say that children sense when something is wrong, and it doesn’t matter what age they are, they just know.

I have never been one to sugar coat much for my children and when it came to my marriage I shared with them what I felt they needed to know and what they could understand. I made my husband tell our boys why he was leaving and where he was going, not because I wanted him to be the bad guy, but because they deserved to know the truth. Do I regret making him do so? No. Could I have spared my children the pain of knowing their father was leaving to be with someone else and why? Yes, but it was a choice he was making and he owed it to them to be honest. I didn’t want them thinking he was leaving because of something they had done, I wanted to keep any worry of that out of their minds. The damage was going to be done no matter what was said or done. Of course the last thing I wanted was for them to hurt but in this case there was nothing I could do to protect them.

As a mother that was the most painful feeling I have ever dealt with. I felt helpless and no matter what I said to them didn’t erase the pain from seeing their Daddy leave. I remember sitting there holding my babies and trying so hard to be strong for them, fighting back tears and answering all of their questions. “Why doesn’t he love us?” “Is he ever coming back?” “Does he hate us?” “Why doesn’t he love you anymore?” It was brutal, oh it was so brutal! It brought back so many painful memories for me and I knew their pain all too well from when I was a child and told that my parents were separating. I don’t think it’s a feeling that ever goes away.

After my husband returned home the kids were always so worried he would leave again. When they would see him angry or drive off alone they would ask if he was coming back. It was a constant fear for them and while they enjoyed him being back I don’t know that it ever left their minds that it might just be temporary. Slowly that fear started fading but every now and then someone will ask “do you think Daddy will ever leave again?’’ I just try and dismiss it and reassure them that things are better and that he is mentally in a better place than he was before. I know they are also in a better place and honestly I would be lying if I said they had no lasting effects from it all. There are times I see the anger, especially in our youngest son. He is still a very happy child but there are times he loses his temper quickly and hides his emotions for others to see. Sadly, I don’t know that my children will ever be the same again after dealing with all that they have been through.

My responsibility as their mother is to continue to love them and be here for them. I may have a big job but my husband is the one that has to do more. He is the one they need the most reassurance from. I want them to know that he is a wonderful person; to look past all that he has done and see a man they can still look up to and admire. He is their Daddy and that will never change. He is the one that should teach our boys how to be great men and teach our daughter that she is worthy of love and respect from all men. I feel he can still teach them that and above all he can let them see that even though he has made some poor choices he can still strive to be a better husband and father to us all. 

Finding Peace Through Forgiveness

"Forgive and forget"....that is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard!!

There are some things you can never forget, no matter how much you wish you could. It seems like the more something hurts the harder it is to completely erase from your memory. Certain details may fade away but the pain you endured will always be there in some way or another. I think we just learn to step around it so that we can keep it from consuming our daily lives.

I am one that forgives easily, I see it as a curse where as others may see it as a good quality I hold. I may forgive easily but I do still keep a close eye on those that I have had to forgive.

My husband did me wrong, he hurt me as no husband should ever hurt his wife. Do I think he made a mistake by cheating? No! He knew what he was doing and knew he was going to hurt me the second he gave another woman attention and wanted it in return. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a conscious decision one makes not caring for an instant about those they will hurt.

I didn't want to forgive him for the longest time, in my head I felt that if I forgave him I was giving him the upper hand. Doing so would mean that he no longer had to suffer from his actions. More importantly, it meant that he could move past how much he had hurt me. I wanted him to dwell in what he had done; I wished nothing more than for him to be miserable and filled with regret.

Little did I know that by refusing to forgive him I was only hurting myself. I was the one that couldn't escape the misery; I was the one that couldn't move past everything he had put me through. He had already moved on, he wasn't sitting there letting his actions affect everything in his life. Not because he had no remorse, but because he knew that what had been done was done and couldn't be erased.

I on the other hand wanted it to be reversed, erased and buried but I wasn't allowing myself to start healing by holding on to it all. I felt as though forgiving him would mean I was condoning and accepting his actions, I was saying, "it's OK that you broke my heart, it's OK that you ripped every ounce of happiness I had to shreds, it's OK I can no longer feel safe and secure in your arms, it's OK that you don't love me enough to respect me."

Why should I be the one that is miserable when I did nothing to hurt our marriage?

I read article after article online on ways to move past infidelity and they all said the same thing...FORGIVE!! It made no sense to me, I have forgiven people for many things in the past...but forgiving my husband for having an affair and ruining all of our lives? I didn't want to, I wasn't ready to but I knew I needed to.

In order to find peace within myself I had to forgive this man, the man I married and loved even through tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. In some ways it hurt more to forgive him than to learn the truth of what he had done.

Although I forgave him I can never forget what he has done to me, believe me, if I could I would. All I can do is continue to hope and pray that the details of it all will fade away, eventually leaving me with no memory of it at all. If that is impossible, and I know it is, I just wish for continued growth and peace in my heart.

A Letter to My Husband

To My Dearest Aaron,

Where do I even begin? 

Sixteen years ago our paths crossed and life changed for the both of us. Our friendship grew quickly and we fell in love and we fell hard! The day we became husband and wife was one of the best days of my life and is a day I will cherish always. It was a day filled with so much happiness and an excitement as to what the future held for us. As the years went by our family grew and like any other marriage so did our problems, some small and a few larger but never too large for us to handle. We always made our marriage top priority and although we did go through some hard times we never let our love and respect for one another fade. We worked together through anything that came our way and we grew stronger as a couple. Life as I knew it was perfect. I had no doubt that we would continue to raise our children in a happy, healthy home.

Along the way work schedules changed and added that more stress than we were prepared for. In the beginning I just kept telling myself that you were dealing with a lot being away from your family every night and that eventually you would go back to being the same man that couldn't wait to get home to us. I noticed the changes in you very quickly and they scared me. You went from being a loving husband to someone I no longer recognized, someone who was angry, bitter and defensive all the time. You seemed to be in a dark place and I didn’t know why but I never thought it would be because of another woman. I felt as though the rug was pulled from under me and there was nothing I could do to reverse it all.

You broke my heart, Aaron! You took everything we built together and all the love we shared, a love I thought was unbreakable and you threw it away as if it was nothing. Our vows were sacred at one time and suddenly they meant absolutely nothing and our life was a complete lie. I felt as though I was no longer worthy of being loved and I hated myself for not being the woman you wanted. The toll it took on me was devastating. Mentally, physically and emotionally I was broken and left to pick up the pieces for myself and our children. Our family suffered so much while you were living the life you felt you wanted. A life of freedom, zero responsibilities and someone other than myself. Your family at that time was not even on your priority list. I wanted so badly for you to come to your senses and return home to me, to us.

While you were gone I did what I know how to do best…I loved you. I loved you with all I had in me, even when I didn't want to I did. I want you to know that I have never stopped loving you and I never gave up on you, or on us. I held on to the man I married, the man that put his family first and did whatever it took to protect us from pain and suffering. I missed that man so much and I wanted nothing more than for him to return. I know they say that everything happens for a reason and I have waited patiently to know the reason for all of this happened. I realize that I may never find out but it’s something I have always wondered.

I feel sad and my heart breaks for the young couple we were when we exchanged our vows, the love we shared then was pure and unshakable. Or so I thought, I see now that it was never as strong as I believed it to be.  I am scared that you will break my heart again; I know I took the risk by letting you back and I have no regrets about it. I fear that you will give into temptation and throw all the hard work we have done this far for someone else. I also feel blessed that we found our way back to one another. I know we still have a long way to go but as long as we both stay focused on each other and what truly matters we can and will survive. One day I want us to look back and say “we made it and we are stronger than we ever imagined!”

I promise that I will continue to love you with my whole heart, and when you feel alone know that I will be by your side every step of the way. If you ever feel that your life is missing something I want you to look around and see what you already have.  

Love always,

Jenn

We All Have A Past

I asked my husband last night, which I do after each "heavy" post how he really feels about me doing this blog. His response was, "it doesn't bother me, it's all truthful and we are growing and in a better place now." 

I often worry how he will react to my writing because it doesn't paint a pretty picture of him as a husband. For someone that has never met him I can see how they would think he is just an insensitive and selfish jerk, amongst other things I’m sure. Those that do know him personally and have seen a different side of him know that he actually does have a big heart. He will be the first to drop whatever he is doing to help anyone out, stranger or not. It may be hard to believe but he is a great man. I know it might be difficult to look past all that he’s done to me but deep down he is strong, loving, caring, compassionate, and kindhearted. Those wonderful qualities he holds are the reason I fell in love with him. One saying I often tell him is “when you’re good, you’re great” and that is meant from a wife to her husband, he has always been a great person. He too still has some work to do as far as he and I go and he is, in case anyone was wondering. ;)

For those that truly know my husband I would hope that you would not focus on his past but instead all the qualities he held when you first met him, the reasons why you refer to him as your “friend.” For those that don’t know him; I ask that you keep in mind others around you and ask yourself if you would shut someone out of your life or treat them differently simply because they too have made poor choices.

For the record…I am not asking a wife to look past her husband’s mistakes if he has done her wrong. Nor am I saying we should look past someone’s history if they have committed some horrible or unforgivable crime. I am simply referring to friendships as a whole.

The point I am trying to make is that we never know what is deep in a person’s heart when we refuse to look past all the bad they have done. They may not be the horrible person you think they are. After all, we all have a past; we all make mistakes and poor choices in some way or another. My husband is the prime example of a good person that has done things to hurt others but that does not mean he is a person that deserves to be shut out by those that call him their “friend.”

I chose to do this post for my him because I know that people may come across my story and be too quick to judge the person that did something horrible instead of the person that tries to bring good into the lives of others. 

I Just Want to Hate You!

Have you ever been so mad at someone that you wanted to hate them or just stop loving them?

I have a confession…I wanted so badly to hate my husband, in fact I wanted to stop loving him. I wished I had never met him or fallen in love with him. I actually prayed that any love I had for him would leave my heart and he'd be erased from my memory forever.

Life isn't like that though; we can’t just turn our feelings on and off when we are angry or hurt. We can’t just stop loving someone or hate them when we share a life with them and they fill a spot in our hearts. I have been with my husband for 16 years; we share a history, a life and three amazing children together. As much as I wanted with all my heart to hate him it was impossible for me to do so. I tried. I tried with all that I had in me but the more I prayed I could stop the stronger my love for him grew. I was not only angry with him for betraying me, I was angry with God for not helping me forget this man He had placed in my life. I felt as if God was punishing me for some reason, I tried bargaining with Him, anything to remove my husband from my heart.

I would cry myself to sleep and wake up each morning and cry some more. Nothing seemed normal and I had to go through the motions for the sake of my children. I smiled when they would look up at me and my heart would break in silence when they would hug me and tell me it would be ok. Life was just so unfair at that time. I was left alone trying to create some sort of normalcy in a dire situation while my husband was gone living his life of “freedom” he desired so much. After a while he would come back home only to leave us again. Oh how I wanted to hate him, only to hate myself for letting him do this to us. I gave up hope in love and I didn’t care if I had a black heart for the rest of my life, love was no longer the greatest gift one could receive in my eyes.

People could ask “but Jennifer if he hurt you so much why stay with him, why still love him?”

I honestly didn't know how to answer that question. It’s a mixture of so many things, I came from a family of divorce and it was a nightmare that I didn’t want my children to experience. I was afraid of being alone; I had spent so many years sharing a life and responsibilities with him. He was the only man I’ve ever truly loved. At one time he was my safe place, my protector and my everything. I loved him; I loved him with my entire heart and soul! I held on to the person he was and I knew eventually he would be that person again. I hoped that he would realize that what he was searching for so selfishly was right in front of him. I hoped he would love me again, just as he did the day he married me.

His affair was in some ways a blessing that took me years to discover. It taught me that I am stronger than I ever imagined. I don’t need his love to survive nor do I deserve half of what he has to offer, I deserve his full respect, love and commitment.

The most important thing I learned is that I was given a heart that never stops loving and a husband that still needs all the love I have to offer so that he continues to find his way back to where he belongs. So that he can find comfort knowing that someone loves him, even through his darkest days and when he feels he can't even love himself. 

Red Flags

You suspect your spouse is cheating but how can you be sure? Unless you see them with your own eyes or they miraculously fess up you’re pretty much left to learn ways to discover the truth on your own. I learned how to keep an eye out for red flags and my intuition led the way. I tease my husband that I could be a private investigator, and a darn good one at that! I have learned a lot; unfortunately it all comes from experience.

Here are a few ways to discover some painful truths. 

1. Behavior: They suddenly have mood swings or seem to get angry at the smallest things. Almost as if they try and pick fights just to have an excuse to become distant.
2. Change in habits: They seem to get home later than usual, go out more often with friends or suddenly want to do things alone.
3. Lies: Their stories never seem to add up, and when questioned about it they stumble over their words as if trying not to reveal too much.
4. Cell phone usage: Their phone has become a permanent fixture to their hip. Excessive or secretive phone calls or texts, secret apps, and setting their phone face down or keeping it on vibrate. Getting upset when you ask to see it.
5. Defensiveness: When you question their whereabouts, moods or habits they become defensive and angry.
6. Unexplained spending: Excessive ATM withdrawals yet no solid explanation as to where the money is being spent. Borrowing from friends behind your back.
7. Change in appearance: They seem to dress up more than usual, wear new cologne or seem to be dressing to impress someone other than you.
8. Loss of interest in sex: There seems to be more and more excuses as to why they aren't in the mood or they push you away when you try to be intimate.
9. Hidden items: They have clothing, cologne, or personal items hidden in their car. 
10. Guilt: When asked about their faithfulness they seem to turn it around to you and accuse you of cheating or they change the subject quickly. I've always found that my husband he would shut down when he was feeling guilty. Almost as if he was silently screaming he wanted to confess something to me.

It all comes down to is attention. Attention to detail as a matter of fact. You don't spend your life with someone and not notice when something seems "off."

I know people say that if you have to start snooping around it's time to let them go. That is easier said than done, sometimes discovering the truth is something you aren't ready to face.

I'm Just Not Good Enough

I am beautiful. I am confident. I am strong. I am lovable. I am worthy!!!

It took me a very long time to believe I was and am all of those things. Quite honestly, there are still days I question whether that is really who I am or just who I wish I could be.

After all, if I was all of those things why would my husband want someone else? Why would he be attracted to other women and want to give them his time and affection? Maybe I wasn't beautiful, or confident, or lovable. Maybe I was weak and unworthy. What if I really wasn't good enough for him, or any man for that matter? I must have been a mean, horrible, disgusting person!!

That must all be true right? I sure thought so. I knew at one point in our relationship he was attracted to the good qualities I had to offer. So what was the sudden change in me that would cause him to hate me so much that he would hurt me so badly?

Every ounce of self-confidence I had was gone, crushed and seemed beyond repair. It hurt terribly to feel rejected and worthless to the man I shared my life with. My heart was shattered.

Something just had to change. I was too busy finding flaws and blaming myself for HIS actions. For my own sanity I needed to stop loathing in self pity, put on my big girl panties and stop making myself the “victim”. I stopped eating, was severely depressed and shut everyone important to me out of my life. Not to mention my children had not only lost their Daddy in a sense, but they were losing their Mommy also. Life as we all knew it had become a nightmare and I had to be strong for all of us. I had to gain my confidence back and believe that I was a beautiful person, on the inside and out. Focusing too much on what I wasn't was only hurting me more. 

I was damaged and felt as if life wasn't worth living. All because I had convinced myself that I wasn't “good enough.” I was worthy of love and respect, not only from my husband but from myself.

After I finished having my pity party I learned to think positive about who I was. When my head would fill up with negative thoughts I would push them aside and remind myself that I was NOT all of those things. I was perfect just the way I was, flaws and all.

I learned that it was more important that I love myself: even if I didn't have the perfect body, the most beautiful smile or the best personality. What I did have was a warm heart and an abundance of love to offer and that was worth more than anything else. I had to fall in love with the person I had always been. 

My heart breaks for the woman I once was and it has been a struggle but I made a vow to myself that I will always be good enough for ME!!