I'm Just Not Good Enough

I am beautiful. I am confident. I am strong. I am lovable. I am worthy!!!

It took me a very long time to believe I was and am all of those things. Quite honestly, there are still days I question whether that is really who I am or just who I wish I could be.

After all, if I was all of those things why would my husband want someone else? Why would he be attracted to other women and want to give them his time and affection? Maybe I wasn't beautiful, or confident, or lovable. Maybe I was weak and unworthy. What if I really wasn't good enough for him, or any man for that matter? I must have been a mean, horrible, disgusting person!!

That must all be true right? I sure thought so. I knew at one point in our relationship he was attracted to the good qualities I had to offer. So what was the sudden change in me that would cause him to hate me so much that he would hurt me so badly?

Every ounce of self-confidence I had was gone, crushed and seemed beyond repair. It hurt terribly to feel rejected and worthless to the man I shared my life with. My heart was shattered.

Something just had to change. I was too busy finding flaws and blaming myself for HIS actions. For my own sanity I needed to stop loathing in self pity, put on my big girl panties and stop making myself the “victim”. I stopped eating, was severely depressed and shut everyone important to me out of my life. Not to mention my children had not only lost their Daddy in a sense, but they were losing their Mommy also. Life as we all knew it had become a nightmare and I had to be strong for all of us. I had to gain my confidence back and believe that I was a beautiful person, on the inside and out. Focusing too much on what I wasn't was only hurting me more. 

I was damaged and felt as if life wasn't worth living. All because I had convinced myself that I wasn't “good enough.” I was worthy of love and respect, not only from my husband but from myself.

After I finished having my pity party I learned to think positive about who I was. When my head would fill up with negative thoughts I would push them aside and remind myself that I was NOT all of those things. I was perfect just the way I was, flaws and all.

I learned that it was more important that I love myself: even if I didn't have the perfect body, the most beautiful smile or the best personality. What I did have was a warm heart and an abundance of love to offer and that was worth more than anything else. I had to fall in love with the person I had always been. 

My heart breaks for the woman I once was and it has been a struggle but I made a vow to myself that I will always be good enough for ME!!