Sunday, July 30, 2017

Let It Be

We made it. OUR MARRIAGE IS 100% HEALED!! Kind of....

Ok, maybe we're still a work in progress. I'm pretty sure we'll always be a work in progress, but we are so much further than we were just a couple of years ago. This past year has been a true test of our faith, love and patience. Not because we are struggling, but because our lives have completely flipped and changed. We have built a new and solid relationship with each other this year and learned so much about ourselves and each other. We're strong, our children are happy and we are all exactly where we are meant to be. 

Y' life is pretty darn great right now! During my quiet time I often sit there and tell myself..."you deserve worked your ass off for this...ENJOY IT!!" It's true, I worked so hard to find my find myself and to love myself again. To find my peace again. I was so mad for so long, I felt that as the wife and mother I had failed them. And bad. I felt for too long that I was supposed to be the glue that held it all together, that's what women do, right? Mommy is supposed to know how to fix everything, wives are supposed to know what to do when things are falling apart. As women we feel pressured to have it all together and guess what...we don't, and that's ok! I was so fixated on making everything right that I failed miserably. I was my own worse enemy. For every step I took forward I was knocked back 10 more.  

I didn't know how to fix anything. I tried and I fought myself and my husband to make our lives "normal" again. I finally decided it was time to stop fighting and just let it be. I had to take a step back and let life happen. That's what I have done over the past year and a half...I've just let life be! It feels great!! I/WE have found our happiness again. I'm not scared of the unknown fact, I am excited for it. I can't wait to see all that God has in store for me, and I am not afraid to say that whatever blessings He hands me I deserve! But oh my, He has already done so much for me...I'd rather He help someone else find their deserved happiness because it's such a wonder feeling of comfort after a torrential storm.

I want to encourage anyone reading this to be patient. I waited so long to feel like a normal person again. There were moments I was ready to give up the fight. Times I opened the door for my husband to leave and secretly hoping he would just so I wouldn't have to hurt anymore, but he never completely left. If he did it was just for a short time, then he would come back only to repeat it time after time. When you live your life not knowing if you'll have stability from one day to the next it takes a toll on you. It causes you to become more angry at yourself rather than the one hurting you...because you allow it to happen. I can't speak for my husband but the one thing that kept me going was the hope that I would find my love again. And this year he has proven so much to me, I was too focused on myself that I was somewhat blind to the strong man he was molding himself into. He was quietly working on himself and I almost didn't see it. It's things like that that make me happy I hung on for dear life for the scariest ride of my life. Of course I wish I had never gotten on that roller coaster, but now I'm glad I was courageous enough to not let go.