"GET OVER IT"...God I hate those words! Might as well say "you've had plenty of time to heal, why are you still hung up on your spouse cheating on you?" Sadly, those words usually come from the spouse that betrayed you. If you get over it they no longer have to live with the repercussions of their actions.
I could sit here and lie to you by telling you that getting over infidelity will be a smooth and quick process but in all honesty it's anything but that. Believe it or not it is a grieving process; it's not as difficult as losing a loved one but you do grieve the death of your marriage. Everything that you thought you had is now gone and you're left wondering what the next move should be. Wondering what happened and how you can move on. I wish I could put a time frame as to when the pain goes away but unfortunately I can't. It depends on you and how long it takes you to feel normal again. Listed below are different stages I went through as I tried to cope with my husband's infidelity.
1. Shock
You find out your spouse has betrayed you and your first thought may be to cry, run, scream or shoot it may be to punch them square in the face. No matter what your reaction is you will without a doubt be in utter and complete shock.
2. Denial
Once the initial shock subsides you play this game of "I can't believe it, maybe I'm wrong." You might even refuse to believe that the affair happened. This is normal but it isn't a stage you want to remain in for too long because it will delay you beginning the healing process. Trust me!!
3. Obsession
You will not be able to stop thinking about the betrayal, focusing on anything else will be so hard and when you finally do set your attention on something else you will find your mind going right back to the hurt you've endured. Another obsession is that no matter how you found out you will become obsessed with finding out more details about the affair. You will stalk your spouse like never before; it is such an ugly feeling because it consumes so much of your time and energy. Not to mention the guilt you feel for even following their every move.
4. Anger
You found out your spouse cheated and you're hurt but there will be a point when you are angry as hell. You have every right to be and you have every right to lash out at them for what they have done. This is something I didn't do too often and at times I wish I had. It's a release that I feel is necessary to let out because the longer it boils the worse it will be when you finally let it out. If you need to scream and holler at them...DO IT!! They hurt you, they destroyed your comfort zone and they should give you the chance to release your feelings. So long as it isn't physically.
5. Haggling
Do you fix your marriage? Do you leave? You begin to think a little more clearly after things settle down and you're left wondering if you should stay or go. You try to bargain with your spouse to seek marriage counseling, and spend more time apart or together. You start finding ways to compromise to make them happy so you can stay together. Be realistic with your "demands and compromises" and I say this from experience...keep your dignity while doing so. When we have been betrayed we tend to seek what our spouse was receiving from their affair partner, whether it be emotional, physical or something completely different. You should feel comfortable and remain positive about the outcome you are working for.
6. Depression
This has got to be by far the hardest stage of getting past your spouse's infidelity. It's a dark and lonely place. The person you once were is almost nonexistent. Sleeping is now your best friend during the day and your worst enemy during the night hours. Eating is just something you no longer have a taste for and your mood is anything but pleasant. Shutting yourself off from the world is your way of dealing with the pain, at least then you don't have to answer questions, explain your situation to others or face life as a whole. I know it's hard not to let the depression get the best of you but shutting yourself out of everything and from everyone isn't going to help you. You need to talk to someone, even if it's just a friend or family member. Let your feelings out and begin the healing process.
7. Acceptance
The time will come when you finally accept your situation, the changes in your life and that you are probably now a different person. Just because you accept it doesn't mean you no longer have to deal with everything that comes with infidelity. It just means that you have survived something unthinkable and you can now turn your focus on moving forward. If you stay with your spouse you can now begin to positively accept them and put in the work necessary to move forward together. If you decide to leave you can now accept the fact that you have moved on from all the pain and can begin the next chapter in your life.
I've spoken about my depression and how bad it became and I feel it's only right that I share my husband's also. It may shed a little light on his actions. His has been going on for several years, some treated and some not. I really can't say when it all began but I can say that when he was working nights I started noticing changes in him. He was tired all the time from his work schedule, but I started noticing a difference in being tired and choosing to stay in bed to sleep his problems away. When he was awake he seemed to show anger towards me and anything I said resorted in him getting mad and storming out. He went from never wanting to do anything by himself to now wanting time alone and pushing me away. This went on until I confronted him about everything, after I had learned the truth things only got worse. He seemed to resent me and became more distant than ever.
After discovering why he had been acting so bizarre his moods seemed to intensify and he spent all of his time sleeping and distancing himself from everyone around him. When he was around me and the children, he would become very quiet; he would only interact when we would point out his behavior. When I would ask what was wrong I would get a frown and a head nod. I didn't realize that he was depressed; I just figured he was up to no good and he wasn't sharing his feelings with me so I didn't suspect depression.
My husband isn't one to drink alcohol unless he is in a social setting. He was now bringing the alcohol home and he would drink until it was all gone. As he would sit and drink alone his depression would surface along with thoughts about anything and everything he was unhappy about. He went from being happy while he was drinking to violently angry, so angry that it landed him in jail a more than once. ***Never violent towards myself or our children*** I feel I need to add that so people don't assume he ever laid a hand on us.
If I brought up his drinking or asked him to stop or slow down he would drink more out of spite. We have had two incidents at our home where he has had to be taken to the hospital for trying to hurt himself. I will not go too much into detail about both but I would like to share a little about each time. I want people to understand that depression is not something that should be ignored, taken lightly or passed off as something minor.
Not too long ago my husband tried to drink his blues away and it resulted in him holding a gun to his head. As much as I tried talking him down I was the last person he wanted around him. When I would ask him why he felt his life was so miserable he would just say that he wasn't happy and felt he couldn't do anything right. Never giving me a full explanation as to what he meant. Thankfully, his friend was able to talk him down and the police arrived to get him the help he needed. I knew that night that there was something seriously wrong with Aaron's mental state. Watching your husband hold a gun to his head is not something you forget, especially when your children are in close proximity. I have not told him this but that night a part of me died. I saw how unhappy he truly was and it wasn't until after his second incident, taking a handful of prescription medication, that I began to understand the reasons behind it all.
Guilt and a need for attention! Guilt, for everything he has done, was doing and a fear of history repeating itself. He shared with me that he didn't know how it all happened but he is afraid that he will mess up again and this time he will lose me for good. Because I am honest with him I told him that I wasn't buying into that. IF he doesn't want it to happen then he needs to man up and remain faithful instead of giving into temptation for a woman that isn't willing to respect our marriage. He needs to respect me and what we have or it's time to end things once and for all.
As far as attention goes, well that's one I have yet to fully understand. My husband gets my attention, sometimes more than my own children do so for him to say he wanted attention was a little unsettling for me. If he wanted to let it be known he wasn't happy he could have spared us all and used his words, not a gun to his head. He was diagnosed with severe depression and so far, fingers crossed, he is in a better state of mind. He has become more open and shares with me how he is feeling. There are still times it's like trying to pull teeth to get him to open up but he is trying. I hope he learned that he can depend on me for support and share with me his deepest darkest feelings. I don't ever want him to feel that he should be embarrassed to share anything with me. The day I married him I accepted him for who he was, knowing he would have moments that were not so perfect. I also want him to realize that when he is feeling depressed he has a group of people that are here to help him get through it.
I cringe when I hear people say depression is just a state of mind. It's not, it's something serious and until you have lived it you don't fully understand the toll it takes on a person. We hear so much about people that have lived years being depressed and it resulted in them taking their own lives. I am begging anyone reading this, please get help if you are feeling depressed. If you feel that life isn't worth living and your problems are too big to fix you are wrong. Your life is far too precious!!
After I filed for the divorce I had given up any hope of my husband returning home. He was living his life as he wanted and I was so broken. I wanted nothing more than for him to walk through the door and tell me he had made a huge mistake but I knew I was kidding myself. I lost so much of myself through it all.
I stopped praying, and honestly, I quit believing. I blamed God for ever putting my husband in my life in the first place. I know that was wrong to think because without him I wouldn't have my children but at the time I was only focused on how much I was hurting. I just knew I wanted everything about him erased from my heart.
The toll it took on me physically was straining. I went days without eating and lost so much weight, normally I would have been ecstatic about that but when you lose so much in such a short amount of time you realize that it's not healthy and well...the weight comes back eventually. My body was weak and I always felt so drained, sleeping had become my escape from reality.
I blamed myself for everything that happened, if I had done things differently he wouldn't have stepped out on our marriage. I beat myself up wondering why he no longer loved me. Was I not pretty enough, thin enough, or was I too boring? I knew it wasn't my fault but knowing the truth didn't keep me from taking on all the blame. I felt like a complete failure.
I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, I was physically present but mentally I was far from gone. I cried all the time and if I wasn't crying I was zoned out. There were times I didn't even know where I was or what was going on. My children would come in and lay with me and I would just wrap my arms around them and cry. They comforted me and had become my rock.
Depression had kicked in and I found myself shutting everyone out of my life. I didn't want to see, hear or talk to anyone. What I wanted was to just crawl into a hole and die. During my depression I had thoughts of hurting myself, whether I would have followed through or not I honestly can't say. I like to think I never could have done that to my children and my family but the thought of numbing the pain I was suffering was far too appealing. I called out for help and it was the wake up call I needed to realize that I had to stop loving my husband more than I loved myself!
That was a turning point for me. I didn't' realize I was in a grieving process for my marriage. The strength I had found was diminishing and if I didn't do something for myself I would have spiraled deeper and deeper into the point of no return. I was so desperate trying to hold on to what once was that I lost focus on what was truly important, my health and my kids. If things were meant to be different they would eventually work out. I was giving up the idea of trying to control our future and I was tired of fighting alone to try and keep us all together.
I was time for me to dig myself out of the hole I was buried so deeply in and find my strength, confidence and life again. I had hit rock bottom and was determined to find myself again!! I vowed then that I would put ME first in order to be the mom I was intended to be. I would survive no matter how hard it was or how long it took.
I could sit here and lie to you by telling you that getting over infidelity will be a smooth and quick process but in all honesty it's anything but that. Believe it or not it is a grieving process; it's not as difficult as losing a loved one but you do grieve the death of your marriage. Everything that you thought you had is now gone and you're left wondering what the next move should be. Wondering what happened and how you can move on. I wish I could put a time frame as to when the pain goes away but unfortunately I can't. It depends on you and how long it takes you to feel normal again. Listed below are different stages I went through as I tried to cope with my husband's infidelity. 
