When Fear Turns Into Obsession

If you regularly follow my blog you've probably noticed that lately I haven't been doing much writing. It isn't by choice...I've been dealing with some personal health issues and one of the downfalls is the sudden loss of my train of thought. I'm doing well and while I have been trying to complete posts I've started, it is difficult to remain focused and actually finish what I am working on at the time. However, I was able to complete a post for today...I hope it helps anyone in need at the moment. =)

There are certain things that happen to us that cause us fear. It's natural to be afraid of something or to be afraid that something is going to happen. If we are so afraid of something we can sometimes become obsessed with the thought that it's really going to happen. 

For instance...if a person has been cheated on they fear their partner will do it again. That fear then turns into an obsession of trying to keep an eye on them, having to know where they are at all times, who they are spending their lunch break with or shoot...even wondering why they are spending so much time in the bathroom. It's an unhealthy obsession and one that consumes you more often than not. 

How do you stop?

I found that for me personally I had to hear my husband say "if you keep digging you're going to find something you won't like." My first thought was "you son of a goat, you're cheating again", but I quickly realized he meant I would continue to pour salt on old wounds. And I did. I became obsessed with "stalking" him that I started going back and I found places he had visited, old pictures and ugly details from the past. He was right, I had so many feelings resurface and he wasn't even doing anything wrong. I made myself miserable, which in turn made him miserable, and ultimately we were both back to where we had begun. I tried to keep quiet and not rehash old wounds, but my mouth would take over and I'd bring up his past all over again. I wasted so much of the present because I resurfaced the past. 

In order to let go of pain, heartache and the past, we must learn to end our obsession of trying to "catch" them doing something wrong. When fear takes over, and it will, it's always best to remember that we can't be afraid of what has already happened. Fear isn't going to change what choices they make, but it will get in the way of your healing process and in the recovery of rebuilding your marriage. 

Time Heals All Wounds

They say that time heals all wounds...I have to disagree just a bit with that saying. While time does heal certain wounds, it doesn't completely make them disappear.

I read the other day that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair...forgive me while I roll my eyes and chuckle at this! Maybe for some that is the case, but I'd like to know if they ever still have thoughts of the affair? Do they no longer have sad days, reminders of being hurt or little triggers that remind them of their spouse's unfaithfulness? Do you ever really "get over" it? I know the one who did the betraying does...I imagine for them they make it happen almost immediately so they no longer feel guilt for the damage they've caused.

However, for the one that was hurt...it's a little more complicated. While we can learn to move on and deal with our day to day routines, we don't always have the ability to turn off certain parts of a movie that's embedded into our minds. As time goes on we do learn little tricks to fast forward those scenes and if we are able to, we can learn to ignore them as soon as they creep upon us. We didn't ask for them to be played over and over. All we want is to forget and never look back, we want our time lost back. 

It's hard to explain this to the one that has done the unthinkable. You can't put a timeframe on mending a broken heart or expecting forgiveness immediately. Everything takes time and if you're one of the lucky ones that can move past certain situations quickly, I admire you. I'm not one that can do that. I can't just flip a switch and say, "oh well...time to let it go and move on with life."

One of the major obstacles with my husband and myself is that he is one of those people that can speed up the process of letting things go, while I am the complete opposite. I need time, lots and lots of time! I have tried to make myself forgive and forget, but my brain doesn't work that way. It takes me a while to process everything and after I've had time to let it all sink in I find myself dwelling on what has happened. It isn't a choice; it's just how my mind operates. 

Over time, I have been able to spend less time sulking, questioning and wallowing in self-pity. What works for me is playing mind games. If I begin to think about his affair I quickly start reminding myself that I am better than the other woman. I am, in fact, better than my husband. I didn't deserve to be hurt and while I have made the choice to continue in my marriage I know I will be a happier, stronger person for fighting for what I want and the one I love. If I allow myself to spend time in that dark place I lose something very valuable...time. The time I should be spending enjoying special moments with my husband and my children. Life continues to move passed, and I would rather live in the now as opposed to the then. 

Time is something we can never get back, why should we spend our time letting someone control our life and our happiness? Especially when one can almost guarantee they are not giving one ounce of their time feeling or showing remorse for destroying the lives of others. Time is precious and we should spend it wisely!! 

3 Mistakes Keeping You From Healing

We all handle stress differently, dealing with infidelity can take its toll on the betrayed physically, mentally and emotionally. For some it's anger, denial, seclusion, or becoming someone you have never been...good or bad. I've pointed out 3 of the biggest mistakes we make to keep us from healing and moving forward. 

1. Coping In Unproductive Ways: 
All we want is the life we once had, a rewind button. As the pain sets in we find ways to numb that pain. Whether our escape is alcohol, sleep, drugs or shutting the world out. At the time we fail to consider the consequences of our choices, all we know is that for a short moment we aren't hurting anymore. We aren't sitting and thinking about our situation or how much it hurts, it's a nice temporary escape, until we wake from our numbness and face facts once again. That's exactly what it is though, a short escape from reality and while it may be a nice break it can come with some life changing and long term effects. In reality, it's not worth it. We must find productive ways to cope because when that temporary fix is gone our problems will still be there. 

2. Obsessing Over Why They Cheated: 
Oh, that's a huge mistake I made. I spent more time trying to figure out the "why" than thinking about the "what now". It's an answer that you sometimes never fully get, an answer that changes each time it's asked as you dig deeper into the healing process. If we spend our time focusing on that one question we take a downward spiral that leads to a horrible pity party. We get to a point where everything in our life, including ourselves, is anything but perfect. It's not even worthy enough for them, that's why they strayed from the marriage right? WRONG!! They strayed because they are weak and were on a quest to find something that didn't exist! They cheated because they thought they could get away with it, and there is nothing you could have done differently to keep them from destroying everything. Don't focus too much on the why...instead, focus on healing and moving forward. 

3. Unreasonable Expectations About Time: 
Healing from infidelity does not have an end date!! There is no time frame and no matter what, you cannot rush the process. Especially if your spouse is saying "you need to let it go." They may have been able to move on from what they did, they'll do anything to forget what they caused. The longer it takes you to move on the more they are reminded of everything they did wrong. No one likes to have a constant reminder of their mistakes or bad choices. To that I say...Oh well! They caused your pain and they need to understand that you need time to heal. As times goes by you will notice the time spent not thinking about the affair...that will be a bittersweet day, or it was for me at least. I was happy because I realized I didn't have that dark cloud over me but I was a little afraid that I had just learned to ignore my problems. That wasn't the case...I was healing and once I realized that I was no longer afraid. It's taken me years to be where I am and as much as I wish it would have been an overnight process I am grateful it wasn't. I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much through this process. 

Healing takes time, I wish I could tell others how long it will take them to get through this, but unfortunately it's different for everyone. Some heal quickly while the rest of us require more time. Either way, there is light at the end of the tunnel...you can't see it, but know that it is there. 

15 Years Ago

Fifteen years ago today I stood in front of the man that stole my heart and I became his wife. I remember being scared, excited and oh so loved. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world and 15 years later, in spite of our trials I still feel that way.

The day I accepted his proposal I had no idea what I would have to endure years later. I didn't know that our life would go from being picture perfect to broken and almost beyond repair. It seems unbelievable now that we are still married, and that we actually love one another again. I honestly didn't think we would make it this far, and as much as I hoped to be that couple we were on our wedding day I never truly thought it was possible.

We aren't the same two people we were on our wedding day. We are stronger and have learned to appreciate life, love, and each other more than ever before. Infidelity has taught me that I am strong, patient, how to have hope and how to love unconditionally. I have learned so much about my marriage, my husband and myself from our experiences. When I was ready to join my husband in giving up on my marriage he took the initiative to step up and make things right after all the destruction he placed in our lives. When I was weak, he became the strong one. When our marriage was broken and our love almost non-existent we both shifted our focus on our family and on each other. We have both grown tremendously and it amazes me that we are in this wonderful happy place again.

I understand how delicate and precious life is. I have learned to appreciate what life has thrown at me. If it had not been so hard I would not have known just how strong I can be. I would not have known how to truly be grateful for the life I am living today.

I thank God for bringing us back together. Our paths crossed 17 years ago and life has never been the same. Through all of the heartache we survived, and while I try not to dwell any longer on what has happened, I try to remember that I am right where I want to be. I love my husband and the life we continue to build...together, as husband and wife! I want our story to be an inspiration to those that are learning to love again. Anything is possible!

Happy Anniversary, my love!

It's Time...

Has there ever been something that weighs so heavily on your heart that you just can't ignore it, no matter how much you try? In fact, the harder you do try to push it aside the heavier it gets. I've been battling with forgiveness for a very long time now and ignoring it doesn't seem to be working. The Christian in me keeps saying "That's God talking to you, stupid!!" while the woman I've been coddling and trying so hard to protect is saying "Don't forget the pain you've endured from these people, why should you forgive them?"

Do I want to forgive?? No!! Why should I forgive someone who is guilty of hurting me, whether it be by their words or their actions? What gives them the right to say or do something that is so hurtful and selfish, something that not only affected me, but also my children? I feel that if I forgive these individuals I am giving them the satisfaction of being able to move on and think "Oh good, she forgave me...all is well in the world."

I've wrestled with questions as to whether I have actually forgiven my husband long ago. Is that what this is all about? Is God saying that I haven't actually forgiven this man? No...He's not telling me it's my husband I should forgive. I've already done that, and I know in my heart exactly who he is talking about. I know who I am to forgive and more importantly why I should. I need to forgive the people that have spit their nasty words out at me. I need to forgive the disgusting being that so openly welcomed a married man, MY husband, into her arms and her bed. I need to forgive those that have hurt me in any way, shape or form in the past. As much as I don't want to, I know that I have to...not for them, not so that they can have a clear conscience for their actions. I have to do this for ME!! For my peace, for me to be able to completely let go of anger, hate and this heavy weight deep within me.

Am I saying that once I forgive them I will want them back in my life...absolutely not! I'm not stupid, but I am ready to release the animosity I feel in my heart. I'm ready to know that if I ever cross paths with any of them I can accept who they truly are and what they are capable of. I can look at them and not want to wring their necks but instead hold my head high and show myself that I am better than that.

I've spent too long giving my thoughts to people that do not deserve a fraction of myself. They have shown me the type of person I never want to be and that sometimes when a person is damaged themselves they have no problem hurting others. It's easy for me to say that those who hurt others are cruel, selfish and horrible human beings but in all honesty I know they are not. At some point they were a part of my life, family I loved, friends I enjoyed, acquaintances and strangers I may have been cordial to and wanted to get to know better if they had not betrayed me in some way. Unfortunately, I saw the ugly side of those people and they have taught me that I no longer have time nor want anyone that doesn't display love and respect for me or my family in my life. 

A sad part of being hurt is learning to forgive even when you have not and will never receive a sincere apology from the one that hurt you. Some people are not capable of swallowing their pride and accepting responsibility for their wrong doings. I do believe that the guilt will eventually eat at them and maybe, just maybe they will step up one day and try to right their wrongs. If we sit and wait for the day we hear "I'm sorry" we may be in waiting for the rest of our lives. We must find a way to forgive so that we ourselves can finally have peace. 

I've decided that it's time I forgive and release all that weighs so heavy on my heart. I know I will still have days that I cringe at the thought of those who pained me, but I am choosing to believe that by me forgiving them I am no longer allowing them to have control over me. It's taken me a very long time to accept that this is the next step of my healing process. In order to continue to grow it's time for me to forgive and let go.  

What Keeps Us Together?

I spend a lot of time observing relationships of those around me. Some might call it "stalking" but I call it necessary "research." ;)

If you hop on any social media outlet you see the good, bad, and sometimes ugly sides of relationships. Whether they are just dating, married, or divorced. Some air out their dirty laundry for anyone and everyone to see, while others keep quiet and only pop their heads out when something wonderful or unexpected happens. I am one who likes to keep the relationship private. I know what you're thinking..."You sure do air it all out on your blog though!!" Yes, I do. But that's different!! =)

My heart smiles when I see a couple that has been married for several years and they still like each other!! They give me hope that with determination and an abundance of love you can survive anything together. Those are the couples that we should all pay close attention to. I'm sure they have had their share of issues, just like any other couple. I like to listen to how they communicate, watch how affectionate they are and I just love to hear how much they have grown over the years as one. They are a true testament of what marriage is all about. 

Then there are the young couples, you know which one's I'm talking about. The one's that can't keep their hands off each other, how they smile through their eyes when their partner walks into the room. I envy those at times because I'll be honest...I've been married almost 15 years and the "honeymoon" phase is long gone at times. We are still affectionate towards one another, but the "lust" isn't always there. The moments it is we respectfully keep it private for when we are alone, because after all...some things are meant to stay behind closed doors and not on display for everyone to see. 

Lastly, there are the couples that are waaaay too comfortable with each other. They no longer feel the need to give their spouse compliments, affection, and at times respect. They've become stuck in the day to day life of marriage. Instead of healthy communication they talk at each other, not to each other. They expect their significant other to read their mind and sadly, gratitude and respect for one another is almost non-existent. The love may still there, but it isn't shown very often. Those couples have lost focus on why they fell in love in the first place. I may be wrong for saying this, but those are the couples that may be in the path of disaster. 

We were that couple for a very long time. Life got in the way and we just found ourselves going through the motions of parenthood, work, finances and everyday life. Healthy communication was far and in between and it was more talking about what we didn't agree on or what we weren't getting from one another. We ignored major problems we were having. After so long of not appreciating each other, no longer showing our desire for one another and making excuses for not making time for US, we strayed from each other. Ultimately our lack of care for our marriage caused the door to open for someone to easily step in between us. By the time we realized we had a major problem it was too late. 

Fast forward to now....

We make our marriage and one another a top priority again; we openly share our feelings as opposed to keeping them hidden. More importantly...we remain focused on one another and remind ourselves that when we don't do these things, we lose the bond we share. We strive to show our children and each other that the love is there and while we may not always agree on everything, we communicate and compromise. Sometimes we agree to disagree and that's ok. It took years of screaming at each other to get our point across before we learned that none of that was necessary or healthy. We now make time for one another and we embrace the fact that we survived something so horrific in our marriage. And we did it together! 

I think every couple has different seasons in their lives, some repeating quite often. We all struggle and we all sometimes lose sight of what brought us together. But we cannot forget that it is love, respect, and everything wonderful about our spouses that keep us together. It's the way they make us smile when we are down, the kiss goodnight, the times they shelter us from pain and the crazy ways they make us laugh to keep from pulling our hair out. It's those things that make our heart whole. 

Triggers

One of the hardest things about healing and moving forward from infidelity are the constant reminders of your spouse's affair. When you first discover the truth about your spouse's "secret life" you learn the ins and outs of the relationship they had with their affair partner. Whether it be songs they shared, restaurants they visited, meeting places, or nicknames they gave each other, the reminders will stick out like a sore thumb. These little triggers can happen at any time, anyplace, during any occasion and unfortunately they can even pop up when you've finally found peace in your heart. 

It's something that I feel waywards, those who have the affair, fail to understand. Is it because they hate the guilt that hits them when the betrayed spouse rehashes the past and the pain that went along with it? Or could it be that in their minds they're thinking "here we go again, just get over it already?" If only it were that easy...and if only they could take a deeper, more compassionate look into our minds. They should understand that it isn't something you can turn on or off anytime you wish. Triggers sneak in and before you can stop them they have already taken over your emotions. 

I tend to get very frustrated with my husband when he dismisses my mood and gives me that "not again" look. While he is sympathetic when he realizes he does so it doesn't help all the things running through my head. I've learned that sometimes it is best to just patiently let it all flow through me and try and distract myself from showing him my emotions. If I constantly remind him and blame him I am stepping backwards instead of moving forward. Throwing his past in his face is a guaranteed way to ruin any progress we've made towards our future together. 

IF you have betrayed your partner I need you to listen closely...be sympathetic and understanding when the person YOU hurt has one of these triggers! You put them in this position and you must remember that they didn't have a choice for your actions. They placed trust in you, and to be frank...you blew it! While you cannot change the past all you can do now is sincerely be there for them while they learn to cope with the fallout from your affair. If they could truly forget about all the pain and never think again about all the details they know they would, unfortunately they can't. Keep in mind that they will have good days and bad days, on their bad days is when they need you more than ever. Remind them that you love them and are truly sorry for what you have done to them. Help them understand that even though you aren't in their shoes you know they are hurting and you're willing to do anything possible to ease their pain. Be patient and never ever say these words to them...."It's been long enough, you need to stop thinking about it and let it go!" 

I've always had some bitterness towards my husband about this very thing. He is one who can easily move on and in a sense forget what he did, it's common with waywards from what I hear. They do the damage and then expect us to forget about it as if it's as easy as flipping a switch to a light. The only times he is reminded is when I am having one of my moments and reality hits me dead on in the face and I can't make it go away. He does his best to be by my side and reassure me of everything good but he also knows that it's because of his doing and all he can do at this point is talk me down from the ledge so I don't fall into a pit of sorrow. 

Whether you're the betrayed or the wayward spouse you must keep in mind that this will be a long, slow process. Especially for the betrayed. It's something that you didn't ask for yet you are the one who will suffer the consequences for a very long time. Little movies that play in your head and no matter how much you try to stop them you just can't turn them off. There isn't a magical pill you can take that will erase what you know but there are ways you can learn to fast forward and eventually stop them before they consume your ability to focus on anything else. For me, I remind myself that the other woman is no longer worth my time, thoughts or energy. She has already consumed so much of me; I refuse to give her anymore of myself because I am a better, stronger woman and worth so much more than she will ever be. And so are you!! 

Love Won

If you live under a rock you probably haven't heard yet, but anyone can now get married. It doesn't matter if it's a man and woman, woman and woman, or man and man...anyone in love can now be united in marriage. It's been a huge debate for years and something that people have fought for, whether it's for or against. Sadly it has also brought out the ugly in so many people. Christians argue that it goes against what God says and if you open the bible it clearly states that marriage should be between a man and woman.

As a Christian I believe in what God says, HOWEVER as an American in 2015 I feel that if two people love each other they should be able to be together without being bashed or hated. As a Christian I also believe that we should love our neighbor and not judge someone for living their life differently than we live ours. We are all sinners, we all have a right to feel how we want and we are not obligated to agree on anything. We should feel that we can stand up for our beliefs and be respected at the same time. 

I am a married woman and my husband is my best friend. He is the one I share my deepest darkest secrets, someone I lay beside every night while a feeling of comfort and security embrace me as he holds me in his arms. He is the person I love and couldn't imagine spending my life without him. I couldn't imagine not having him as my husband and I sure as hell couldn't fathom the thought of someone telling me we could not be together. 

As a mother and I want my children to find that one person that makes their life complete; which is why I have had to take a step back and choose whether I actually support same sex marriage or not. Because I am a Christian I feel I should be against it, but because I am open minded I can't not support it. I asked myself a very important question..."What if you are against it, and I mean really against it and one of your children comes to you and says they are gay?" Well that was a no brainer for me. I am going to love and support my child, I will not risk losing my relationship with them because of who they choose to love. I will not judge, ridicule or belittle them for choosing to love someone that makes them feel safe and secure. 

I will do the same with others also. I am not personally affected by their decision and I was raised to respect EVERYONE!! I log on to Facebook and I see people I know standing up for what they believe and I admire their passion. What I don't admire is how they voice their opinions and beliefs. There is so much hate towards those who support and those that do not. Since when is it ok to disrespect one another?! 

I don't care if you are a Christian or not...you should respect everyone, you don't have to agree but you know what...sometimes you have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to feel exactly like you. And I'm sorry, but if you believe in God I am going to be more disappointed in you for your behavior. You, of all people know that we should not judge, we are all sinners, and we are to love everyone just as God loves us. You can disagree with same sex marriages all you want, that is your choice, but please do so with respect for the feelings of others. You can stand proud in your beliefs AND show God's love to others without a hateful heart. 

The same goes for non-believers. It isn't just Christians that are so passionate about standing up for what they believe, and equally they aren't the only ones that can be hurtful and hateful. It doesn't matter who you come across, what you feel is right or wrong...what does matter is that we ALL respect one another as humans. This world has enough hate in it, why add to it over something that doesn't affect you personally? If someone wants to get married, let them, support their right to love whomever they choose and go on about your business while they go on with theirs. If I am wrong in supporting this than I will be the one to stand before God and answer to my choices. I think this world needs more love and less hate, more respect and an end to the need to bring someone down because they aren't you.

 Remember the saying your mother taught you...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!! 

Should I Stay or Should I Go

I know that I am probably in a small group of people that decide to reconcile after an affair. My husband and I always had an agreement, even before marriage, that if one of us cheated we would divorce. So you could imagine how those words haunted me after I discovered I wasn't married to the perfect man I thought he was. It wasn't as simple as I thought it would be, we now had children involved and a history that we built as one. Unless you've lived it you have no idea how you will handle any situation. Whether it's an illness, loss or marriage dilemmas you can't say "I would do this..." It doesn't work that way, at least not for the weak and I consider myself at that time a person who was weak. I wasn't strong enough to say "you cheated; now you have to leave and never return." 

Am I happy I made the decision to reconcile?? Hmm...yes and no. Through all of the depression, anxiety, fears and wondering I would have said "no." That was a time in my life that was dark and it turned me into someone I no longer recognized. I didn't know the person I saw in the mirror. What I saw was a sad and pathetic woman that was too afraid to lose everything. This unrecognizable woman didn't have one ounce of trust in her husband and couldn't even tell you why she stayed with him. The only answer I could give was that I loved him and even then I wasn't completely sure. I was hopeful things would turn around for us and although I lost my faith I still believed that if we were meant to be together God would bring us back to the place I felt safe. 

Today I would say my answer to the decision to reconcile is "yes." After reality set in and I realized that I chose to take a risk and stay with my husband I was able to begin working towards accepting what had happened. I was determined to work as hard as possible to make our marriage work and be happy again. I often feel as though we were put to a test to see how much we mean to one another. Who knew it would take years of hard work just to find happiness again. We both learned what does and doesn't work in our relationship and ways to help each other along the way. I have no regrets and although there were times I wanted to throw in the towel I didn't. 

I feel that those who choose to reconcile must know that it isn't an easy process. There will be days you feel like giving up or that things just aren't getting better. I want you to step back and truly see how far you've come. You may be surprised at how much stronger, happier and positive you are than you were just yesterday. We get so hung up on why we are hurting that we can't see the accomplishments we've made to get to where we are now. 

I can't tell people what they should do in any situation, but I can say that if you want something bad enough you will do whatever it takes to keep it. If you do choose to work it out I have to advise that you know the full truth of the situation. Work on forgiving your spouse or otherwise the unknown will keep you from moving forward. I fought like hell to keep my marriage intact and I will continue to do so...this time I have my husband to fight with me. A marriage is something that is precious, it's a union that no one should separate and unfortunately there are people (including spouses) that succeed at tearing it apart. It's our job to protect it and fight for it. If the relationship and love are strong enough reconciliation can be successful and make you an incredibly strong couple. Best of luck to those who choose the path that keeps you together!! 

"Get Over It"

"GET OVER IT"...God I hate those words! Might as well say "you've had plenty of time to heal, why are you still hung up on your spouse cheating on you?" Sadly, those words usually come from the spouse that betrayed you. If you get over it they no longer have to live with the repercussions of their actions. 

I could sit here and lie to you by telling you that getting over infidelity will be a smooth and quick process but in all honesty it's anything but that. Believe it or not it is a grieving process; it's not as difficult as losing a loved one but you do grieve the death of your marriage. Everything that you thought you had is now gone and you're left wondering what the next move should be. Wondering what happened and how you can move on. I wish I could put a time frame as to when the pain goes away but unfortunately I can't. It depends on you and how long it takes you to feel normal again. Listed below are different stages I went through as I tried to cope with my husband's infidelity. 

1. Shock

You find out your spouse has betrayed you and your first thought may be to cry, run, scream or shoot it may be to punch them square in the face. No matter what your reaction is you will without a doubt be in utter and complete shock. 

2. Denial

Once the initial shock subsides you play this game of "I can't believe it, maybe I'm wrong." You might even refuse to believe that the affair happened. This is normal but it isn't a stage you want to remain in for too long because it will delay you beginning the healing process. Trust me!! 

3. Obsession

You will not be able to stop thinking about the betrayal, focusing on anything else will be so hard and when you finally do set your attention on something else you will find your mind going right back to the hurt you've endured. Another obsession is that no matter how you found out you will become obsessed with finding out more details about the affair. You will stalk your spouse like never before; it is such an ugly feeling because it consumes so much of your time and energy. Not to mention the guilt you feel for even following their every move. 

4. Anger

You found out your spouse cheated and you're hurt but there will be a point when you are angry as hell. You have every right to be and you have every right to lash out at them for what they have done. This is something I didn't do too often and at times I wish I had. It's a release that I feel is necessary to let out because the longer it boils the worse it will be when you finally let it out. If you need to scream and holler at them...DO IT!! They hurt you, they destroyed your comfort zone and they should give you the chance to release your feelings. So long as it isn't physically. 

5. Haggling

Do you fix your marriage? Do you leave? You begin to think a little more clearly after things settle down and you're left wondering if you should stay or go. You try to bargain with your spouse to seek marriage counseling, and spend more time apart or together. You start finding ways to compromise to make them happy so you can stay together. Be realistic with your "demands and compromises" and I say this from experience...keep your dignity while doing so. When we have been betrayed we tend to seek what our spouse was receiving from their affair partner, whether it be emotional, physical or something completely different. You should feel comfortable and remain positive about the outcome you are working for. 

6. Depression

This has got to be by far the hardest stage of getting past your spouse's infidelity. It's a dark and lonely place. The person you once were is almost nonexistent. Sleeping is now your best friend during the day and your worst enemy during the night hours. Eating is just something you no longer have a taste for and your mood is anything but pleasant. Shutting yourself off from the world is your way of dealing with the pain, at least then you don't have to answer questions, explain your situation to others or face life as a whole. I know it's hard not to let the depression get the best of you but shutting yourself out of everything and from everyone isn't going to help you. You need to talk to someone, even if it's just a friend or family member. Let your feelings out and begin the healing process. 

7. Acceptance

The time will come when you finally accept your situation, the changes in your life and that you are probably now a different person. Just because you accept it doesn't mean you no longer have to deal with everything that comes with infidelity. It just means that you have survived something unthinkable and you can now turn your focus on moving forward. If you stay with your spouse you can now begin to positively accept them and put in the work necessary to move forward together. If you decide to leave you can now accept the fact that you have moved on from all the pain and can begin the next chapter in your life. 

The Ugly Four Letter Word

You lying, cheating, no good son of a goat!! I've thought that many times about my husband. Especially on those days that I just can't seem to forget about the excruciating pain in my heart. Why did he do it? What went through his mind while he was flirting, talking, hugging, kissing and doing much worse to someone other than me, his wife?!! Did he think he wouldn't get caught? Did he want to get caught because he was a coward that couldn't come out and say he was finished in our marriage? 

Yeah, that's exactly what went through his mind. He wanted me to push him away but I wasn't strong enough to do that. So for a very long time he played this game of coming and going, I was his yo-yo and like an idiot in love I let him bounce me back and forth. Not once did I think to myself that he actually wanted me to be the one to call it quits because he was a weak S.O.B. They say love is blind but in reality it can be very stupid. Or at least make you very stupid, and boy was I proving that to be right. 

I just can't understand how we can hurt the ones we love. Yes...we! I guess we just figure that if they love us they will be willing to put up with whatever we throw at them. Sadly, we treat most strangers better than we do our loved ones. They see the sweet, calm, and understanding side of us and we save all the nastiness we have for the ones we know will always be there for us. It's sad and it's unfair. 

I was getting the moody, secretive, dishonest, selfish side of my husband and someone else was getting the sweet, happy liar. That just wasn't fair!! What did I do to get the ugly side of him? Oh yeah, I was just the "wife"...the one who loved him and treated him well. He was having his cake and eating it too, and I was there like a moron greeting him with open arms thinking "he's home and he isn't going to leave me again." I would hear "I'm sorry, I love you, I do want to be with you, trust me!" Like a fool I would give in and brush it all under the rug. 

There are times, like writing this post that I think back and wonder how and why I put up with all that I did. Why didn't I just walk away...oh yeah, it's because of that ugly four letter word...L.O.V.E. Now I look back and see that I wasn't the fool or the moron...he was. I finally learned that love sometimes just isn't enough. It doesn't prevent bad things from happening, it kind of adds to them. It makes us do stupid things, it makes us vulnerable and we can become lost wishing for what we want that we ignore what is going on right under our nose. The good and the bad. 

I'm sometimes amazed that I still believe in love but when I sit and think about it all, the unforgettable memories outweigh the pain and sorrow of the past. I will continue to love with my whole heart because that is just who I am. 

I'm Not the Same Person

During our lives we experience different events that change us, some good and some bad. I've come to terms with the fact that I am no longer the same person I once was. I have lost so much of what made me, ME. While I have learned a lot about myself and gained some qualities that have made me a better person it's the ones that I've lost that make my everyday life a struggle at times. 

I will never be the same mother, wife or friend I was before I experienced "life", and while it makes me sad it also gives me a feeling of comfort I've never felt before. 

My children have always been my top priority but I now find myself protecting them from myself and my husband. I keep my worries, fears and tears from being seen by them. They have seen the both of us become people they didn't recognize and in this world we live in they already see so much pain and destruction. If I can keep it from happening in their home I will do my best to do just that. My mommy protection mode is in full force, more so than before! 

I'll never be the same wife I was the day we were married. I was young, naive and head over heels in love with my husband. I experienced pain from him stepping out of our marriage and it made me become this obsessed, broken and sad woman. I find myself spending too much time worrying about what the future holds for us all instead of living in the moment. Before I never use to question his motives, whereabouts or love and I now do. The plus side of all this...I lost sight through all the pain of who my husband really is and I am now seeing once again how wonderful he is as a person.

As far as my friendships go...this is the probably the hardest to swallow. I find myself being very guarded and not wanting to get close to anyone. I keep a very high wall up and there are only a select few I allow to enter. When I meet someone you better believe that I'm searching their eyes, words and actions for anything that doesn't feel right. I know not everyone is a threat to me or my marriage but I've learned that anyone you meet has the potential to strike if given the chance. 

While I'm not the same person I once was I have learned just how fragile life is. I've overcome some major obstacles and although some changes are not so great others have made me a better person. The person I am today.

The 3 D's of a Betrayed Spouse

As a betrayed spouse it's hard not to stop doing the 3 D's...Digging, Dwelling and Doubting. 

Digging is a dangerous game to play. You dig, and dig for clues and holes in your wayward spouse's actions. Even if you find nothing out of the ordinary you still seem to twist things. It's a horrible mind game and it's one I'll admit I struggle with. I can go days, weeks, and months without trying to find hidden secrets and then all of a sudden I find myself going waaay back trying to find anything that would prove my husband is guilty. When I find nothing I end up being the one to feel guilty and yet happy at the same time. Guilty, because I didn't trust him and happy that I didn't find anything. 

Dwelling over what has happened keeps a betrayed spouse from truly moving forward. If we dwell on the bad, we miss out on all the good that is happening. It's as if our life is paused on a sad part of a movie, we keep from making it to the end where the happy ending lies. This is something I have learned not to do, or at least not as much. I don't mean to, but I notice that when I do spend time dwelling on the past it affects the relationship between my husband and myself. It causes me to be sad or mad with him and he senses that and in return he gets upset with me because I'm usually afraid to tell him why I'm in a foul mood. Living in the past is a sure guarantee that you are keeping yourself from embracing what the future has in store for you. 

Doubting...Oh boy, this is a struggle for me that seems to never end. I am an optimistic person, I look for the good in any situation; yet I have so much doubt about my marriage, my husband and myself. There are days I say "He'll never be faithful again" or "It's only a matter of time before he tells me he's leaving." I'm learning that the more I focus on the doubt the more I push my husband away and the more I lose sight of who I am.

Surviving infidelity is a struggle, surviving it while remaining married is even harder. There are long periods of times that it doesn't affect our relationship and then there are times that it stalls or erases the hard work we have put into our marriage. I wish there was an easier way but I've yet to find one. So in the mean time I will continue to grow, heal and hope for a future of pure happiness!! 

The Scarlet Letter

Imagine if we all had to wear labels so people know what kind of person we are or what we are capable of. Just like Hester Prynne's famous "A" in the book The Scarlet Letter. I could have so much fun sticking those suckers on people. Some I would gently pin to their clothing and others I would staple to their foreheads for the entire world to see. 

I lay in bed the other night just thinking about all the hurtful people I have encountered over the years. I have to admit that some people surprised me while others were no different than I first suspected. Yet I still gave them the benefit of the doubt. I think there are times we want to believe someone is a good person. They possess qualities we like so we dismiss the things that seem "off" about them.

As I lay there I started imaging what labels I would put on people and while it was fun to place faces with names I was also sad that I would even consider doing that to people I once called "friends." Not everyone I have been pained by was a stranger, as a matter of fact...very few were. I started thinking about how life would have been so much better for me if I had known from the first "hello" that I should have steered clear from them. I wouldn't have had to deal with the drama, dishonesty and ulterior motives from certain people. I wouldn't have been hurt and more importantly...my children wouldn't have had to be hurt by those that came into our lives only to ruin it in some way or another. 

I was once the type of person that gave everyone a chance, I didn't like confrontation and I never wanted to hurt anyone. Thank God I am no longer that person. Being that kind of person is wonderful but it also leaves you vulnerable and naive. I've met several people that seemed to be the most caring, kindhearted person only to be the one that lived a life of lying, cheating and such selfishness that they didn't care who they hurt. Sadly, the man I married can be placed in that category. 

A person's character defines who they are ALL of the time, not just when it suits them. I would admire a person much more if they were to be upfront and honest from the get go. And no, I don't mean with every handshake they should say "hi, my name is so and so and I have a history of being a (fill in the blank)." Although...wouldn't that be awesome?!? ;) 

Sadly though, that isn't how life works. We must get to know a person and trust that they have the best intentions and that they aren't going to ruin the relationship we have with them. Whether it is our spouse, acquaintances or best friends. If we lived in fear that every person we meet is going to hurt us we would spend our lives alone and that's no fun! So instead all we can do is keep a watchful eye for those that surround us. I've definitely learned that some people have their Scarlet letter hidden very well, but I've also learned that sometimes it's in plain sight and yet we tend to still overlook it. 

At the end of my little moment of wishful thinking I realized that as wonderful as it would be to know in advance what people are capable it would also take away opportunities for us to grow. It's by our experiences that we are who we are; if life and everyone was perfect it would be boring. We would never know the true meaning of friendships, love, and life. 

It Can't Rain Forever

Have you ever looked back at your life and noticed that you did get through the horrible storm you faced? The exact one that gave you the mindset that life would never get better again. I've been that type of person, the one who says "I'll never be happy again; I will never get through this." I was wrong!! Yesterday I had a post all written out and ready to go and when I was reading the rough draft to my husband he made me realize that I left one important detail out. I AM HAPPY!! 

In that post I was too busy bashing and wishing karma would take its course on those that have hurt me and as I read it to him he stopped me and said "it sounds like you want to leave me and are still miserable."  The truth is that I'm not miserable. Yesterday I had too much time on my hands and that left my mind to think, which resulted in me having a miserable day. I sat and wrote while tears flowed, blood boiling with anger and pain causing my heart to break all over again. I was having a pity part and it was a good one!! After I was done I felt refreshed, I was no longer mad and it was as if my soul was cleansed. I had to let it all out, relive that horrible storm and when it was all done I embraced the rainbow above me. 

I felt that I need to explain something to my readers and especially to my husband. I've written about some dark stuff, it's all real and there are no exaggerations in any of my posts. What you read is what my heart has felt, what I have survived. I went into this whole blogging thing with the courage and promise to myself that I would be completely honest with my readers. Whether it's two readers or two-thousand, there would be nothing but pure honesty. I may write about some pretty heavy stuff and I may even sound bitter or miserable but I am happy at this very moment.

I write about my dealings with infidelity, I live day by day and the truth is that I share what I have been through so that I can leave it behind me. I would be lying if I said that I was "over it" all, I don't think I'll ever be completely healed or can ever forget it all. I am human, I have days that I sit and worry about my husband's intentions, days I cry over the pain I've felt and there are even times I get angry at him because of what he has done to me. Since starting this blog I have fewer and fewer days like that...thank God! I know that sounds crazy because one would think that reliving the pain from the past would cause me to not be able to move forward but it actually helps. It's a release of emotions and once I let it all out I can in a sense bury it.  

There are times I share my current feelings and thoughts but they don't mean I am unhappy in my marriage. I didn't realize until my husband pointed it out to me that I may be giving that impression. Or that people may be asking "why do you stay with him if you're so miserable?" I'm not, I am the happiest I have been in a long time. The storm has passed and we made it out...together!! I use my dark days as a chance to help others that may be in their storm right now to see that they will get through it. It may not end today but one day you will look back and see that you made it too. It gets better; you just have to be patient. I never thought I would be happy again but I am. I survived it and so will you!! 

A Letter to My Children

To my sweet babies,

I realize that as I write this letter you are all still young but I know that one day you will come across this. This is the hardest letter I have written but I want to explain some things that you may one day question. First, let me start out by saying that I love you three so much; anything I ever did was for you. While life may not have been great at times I never once wanted you to be hurt due to mine or your Daddy's actions. 

When he and I first met we were happy and so much in love. As each of you came into our lives we knew what it meant to love unconditionally and that our job as parents was to protect you from any harm. The last thing we wanted was to be the ones to be the cause of any pain, heartache or confusion. You have watched us grow apart and you have seen how we can still love each other after all that we have been through. 

It was never a secret that things between your Daddy and me were far from perfect. While we tried to shelter you from our problems there were some things that we just couldn't keep from you. From his first sit down with you boys explaining how he was leaving us to his unexplained days away to make himself better. You saw him move in and out of our home over and over. We never intended for any of this to happen and the last thing we want is for our actions to have any long term affects on your lives. I can't see into the future but I pray that you will each grow to be strong, loving individuals. I hope that you can learn from our mistakes so that you never have to experience all that we have been through.  

I want you to always remember that no matter what you have seen, heard or felt we never blamed you. You will learn that life can be harsh, unexpected things can happen and as much as you try to avoid certain things sometimes you just can't. There were times I felt like giving up but I didn't. You all were my inspiration to pick myself up and keep going. You saw me smile through my tears and you've seen your Daddy search for a life that wasn't as wonderful as he thought it would be. It didn't mean that he didn't want you children, he was lost and in a dark place. He faced certain demons and had to hit rock bottom before realizing that his family was what he needed all along. 

Yes, he did some pretty horrible things and his actions caused a lot of pain to us all but honestly, he is a great person. Underneath that tough exterior is a strong, loving man who would do anything for others. He may have strayed from our marriage for a while but during those times I never gave up on him. I married your Daddy for his heart and there hasn't been a day that I stopped loving him. One day you will meet someone that has the same affect on you and I just hope that you love them enough to help them through their dark times. 

Little Aaron: You are the most caring person I have ever known. You genuinely care for those around you and have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I have seen you be there for me, even when you weren't sure what was happening and that showed me how wonderful you will be when others lean on you for comfort. It isn't something you learn...it's in your heart, you were made that way. Don't ever settle for anyone that isn't as wonderful as you are! 

Dakota: Oh my how you amaze me!! You are so full of life and even during your sad days you smile. I see myself in you, we both wear our emotions on our sleeves and the last thing we want is for others, mainly Daddy, to be upset with us. When he is upset with you I can see all over your face that you are truly hurt. He loves you so much! I know that he sees a lot of himself in you when he was your age. Your personality is what makes you awesome, I hate that during our struggles you seemed to be the most affected. There were times you remained quiet and reserved; you even lost your smile some. Sweet baby, don't ever lose your smile again. You have so much to offer this world and I know that you will have your heart broken as you get older. I know this because like me you want others to love as much as you do. 

Savannah: Where do I even begin...you are a feisty, oh so strong child. I worry about you the most. I know that you will never have any problem taking care of yourself but I do worry that you will one day hurt like I have. I know I shouldn't but I dread the day a boy breaks your heart. When you marry I will worry that your husband will hurt you as your Daddy has hurt me. It breaks my heart, I have put up with so much from him and I don't want that for you. I want you to be stronger than I ever was and not live a life of constant fear and question of whether or not you are loved for all the right reasons. You are not disposable, you deserve respect and you should always love yourself enough to know when to walk away, no matter what the situation may be. It has taken me a long time to be that strong and I hope that you can one day be proud of me. You are a Daddy's girl and I know that he would never want a man to treat you as he has me. I wish I could erase our past but I can't, all I can do is start at this very moment to teach you how to love. I pray that by the time you find this letter you will have seen by your Daddy how a husband is to love and respect his wife. I hope he shows you that he has changed and that his heart is in the right place. You are his little princess and he will do whatever it takes to protect you. 

I want you all to promise me something, always be true to yourself. Boys, when you meet someone I want you to treat them as God intended them to be treated. You will meet people that are going to hurt you and betray you; some of them will be friends. Learn from them, don't be like them. A person with a good heart will not go around trying to destroy others. You are better than that, let God deal with them because the moment you try to destroy them for the pain they cause you is the moment you become just like them! They aren't worth it, trust me. 

Never accept an apology unless it is from the heart, forgiveness is the key to peace in your heart but sadly, you will never forget how they made you feel. That's ok, it will teach you how to be a better person. Lastly, always strive to be someone who is kind, loving, compassionate and humble. 

Love always,


Mommy

Life Is Too Short

This past weekend I had the pleasure of joining my husband on a weekend filled with friends and motorcycles. We attended a rally of sorts with his motorcycle club and while I was scared to death to get on the highway (first time ever for me) I actually enjoyed it. It's been a fear of mine since he started riding but I conquered my fear and actually enjoyed myself. 

Everything was going wonderfully until we encountered an accident, sadly it was another rider. Throughout the day we heard of more accidents, all motorcyclist. My enjoyment turned to fear and my anxiety levels went through the roof. Our weekend went from exciting and care free to somber and worrisome in just a matter of hours. It made me realize just how much I love my husband and how I have kept my focus on all the wrong things. 

I watched him get cut off on the highway more than once and it scared me. I kept thinking how precious life is and how I have put most of my energy on all the BS from others at the forefront of my life. I spend too much time worrying that things will go wrong in my marriage and that someone will interfere with my happiness that I forget to be grateful for what I have and where I am in life at this very moment. 

Life is too short to spend it worrying about what could go wrong or when the next wrecking ball is going to come our way. I've lost sight of all the wonderful things God has done for me. Spending my time in fear has kept me from moving forward and truly enjoying ALL parts of my life. 


I am guilty of forgetting to focus on everything that is truly important, those things and people that are irreplaceable. My husband and my children should be the ones to consume every ounce of energy, love and compassion that I have in me. Not the people or circumstances that have sucked the life right out of me. 

Each breath we take truly is a blessing; I will no longer spend my days worrying about people that are unworthy of my time and those that do not deserve to be a part of our lives. 

Leap of Faith

I have a confession...

I am scared out of my mind. I'm terrified actually, and I've been hiding this fear from my husband for too long.  

What am I so terrified of? Finally being at peace in my marriage!  

Things are going so well and it scares me!! This is new territory for me and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. I keep waiting for the ball to drop and crush me. Why would it not? After all the pain that I have had to endure, it becomes difficult to believe that anything good could be handed to me. Don't get me wrong, I love being happy and I am really loving this new "peace in my heart" thing. I just can't stop thinking about when it's going to be ripped away from me. Isn't that heartbreaking?!?

My husband has been wonderful. I see more and more of the man I fell in love with so long ago and he's doing great at making me feel loved, appreciated and wanted. I couldn't ask for more from him and I'm so thankful for the place we are at this very moment in our lives. We worked way too hard to get here and I fear that my happiness will be yanked away. I'm mentally and emotionally at peace and it feels great!! It's just scary. *sigh*

I'm naturally an optimistic person and while I'm not complaining about how things are, I'm just weary. I've built this wall, a really tall wall and as I peek over it I notice that everything on the other side of that wall looks peaceful, comforting and safe. I'm afraid to go on that side because if I do I will enjoy it too much and before a matter of time I fear I will have to go back to the other side. The side that is dark, cold and lonely. The side that is filled with pain and sorrow lurking in the shadows as it whispers my name, calling me closer and closer to it. 

It's time I take a leap of faith and trust that I deserve all the good that life is offering me. It may be scary at first but I know I won't be there alone. I will hold my husband's hand and stop being afraid. 

Wish me luck...

Don't Give In

Temptation exists all around us. Start a new diet and you're bound to run into someone's birthday cake. Come into some extra money and an add pops up for something you just can't live without. Do something different with your appearance and suddenly gain compliments and advances from those who usually stroll right past you. Fighting the urge to say "no" becomes so difficult, especially because you know if you give in you are going to feel guilty...even if it makes you happy at the moment.

My husband is one that clearly has had problems resisting temptation. They say that the best way to avoid temptation is to steer clear of people, places and things that tempt you. Sometimes that's easier said than done. Finding the strength to look past it is a must, otherwise you may eventually give in. It starts out as a small thought and then it's as though you become obsessed with the thought of it. Nip it in the bud, distance yourself and do whatever you have to while it's still a thought. Once you give in, even just a little, you lose control and it's no longer something you can fight. 

Remember the long term consequences if you give in...I'm sure my husband thought "this won't happen again, I can end it as quickly as I started." Well, that wasn't the case, one little "hello" turned into a full blown affair that resulted in our marriage being destroyed. If he had thought of the effect it would have on our lives maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to resist temptation knocking at his door. I could play the "what if" game all day but it won't change anything, so I won't go there. Think of your spouse, your children, everyone involved, and yourself...DON'T GIVE IN!! 

At some point in our lives we are bound to be tempted to do, see, or say something. It's natural to be tempted and it's human nature to be weak but it is our responsibility to resist that temptation.

How We Became US...

I spend a lot of time sharing the ugly side of my marriage; I thought I would share some history of our lives. The better side of things. =)

Aaron and I met seventeen years ago, I worked for his mother and I had the typical school girl crush. So you could imagine how giddy I was when he asked me out on our first date. I was so nervous and as we approached the car he opened the door for me, I remember thinking "I could get use to this." What a great start to the evening, and it made me fall for him even harder. He was so respectful and just a great person to get to know.

Our relationship moved very quickly, we spent every possible day together. During the workday he would come by and visit, bring me roses and just stay close by my side. We had a great relationship, always happy and we grew closer as each day passed. There wasn't much that we didn't agree on. We spoke about the future and how we each wanted to raise our children. Our future goals and how what we expected from our spouses if we ever married. We dated for a year and then he asked me to marry him. Our wedding was absolutely perfect! Not because it was big and fancy, but because I could feel the love this man had for me. 

After marriage we became closer and closer, we were inseparable and untouchable. The love we shared was strong and over time we welcomed three precious little lives into our world. Life was picture perfect. We created some wonderful memories and there isn't a time I look back and think "I wish that never happened." We were truly happy and in love. I never once doubted his love for me and I tried to be the best wife to him. I know that over the years I have made some mistakes. I've neglected him at certain times but I have always done my best to make him happy. 

Marrying young was a challenge; we were both growing as individuals and as a couple. Throwing children in the mix was just another added challenge. After our daughter was born our lives seemed to flip upside down. She was a blessing, and even before her birth we knew she would face certain health issues but nothing she couldn't overcome. Shortly after she was born he started working nights and once again our lives were jumbled. Before the added stress of a sick child and insane work schedule we always seemed to remain close and make things work. We weren't use to dealing with major struggles and sadly, we failed at it. 

In the past we were a team and we took pride in our relationship. I think that's why I have such a hard time wrapping my head around why we are even here. I've often wondered how we could go from being the "perfect" couple to being broken and at times complete strangers. Do we love each other? Absolutely! Can we get through it all? No doubt! Somewhere along the way we lost each other and there are times I wish we could go back and rewrite our history. Erase the weaknesses and build that wall just a little bit higher to keep others from knocking it down. I wish we could have learned to communicate better and know that during those trying times we needed to remain solid for our family. 

Sadly, we can't go back and change things. All we can do is reach into our hearts and pull that strong, loving couple back to the surface. We are doing great these days, he and I are happy and keep reminding each other why we fell in love so long ago. After all that we have been through I have no doubt that we can overcome any obstacle we may face in the future. We have grown and learned from our mistakes, we are back to protecting our marriage as we did when we first exchanged our vows. Certain aspects of our relationship will never be the same but our love is one that remains everlasting. 

Secrets At Your Fingertips

Anyone else addicted to their phone, computer, or tablet? 

I'll be the first to admit that I love technology. Google is my go to and my smartphone is my lifeline. I would say I average a couple thousand texts in a months time, social media sites get checked at least once an hour and my phone never leaves my side. It's the best and worst thing to ever be invented. Now a days people spend more time on their phones communicating in some way, shape or form. For some it's a guilty pleasure.

I use my phone for everything, from banking to blogging. What I don't use my phone for is anything that would jeopardize my marriage. I don't have hidden apps, files, pictures or contacts. I don't delete texts because I'm afraid someone will read them. I also don't keep it on silent nor do I panic or get angry when someone reaches for my phone. My husband and children know my pass code and they can use my phone anytime they please.

If my husband was to go through my phone or take it for a day I wouldn't be risking my marriage. My web history isn't too juicy and doesn't get deleted hourly, daily, weekly or even monthly. If a person doesn't want you touching their phone it's usually because there's something they're hiding. I understand the whole privacy thing but if they are leaping across the room when you reach in the same vicinity as their phone that is probably a red flag. 

My husband has done the whole hidden pictures, fake contacts, guarding the phone with his life thing. I'd like to think that at this very moment he has nothing to hide, and that if he and I were to switch phones for a day we would still be married at the end of that 24 hour period. Maybe I should suggest that! ;)

He has learned that texting other women can lead to trouble. It starts off innocent but can get out of hand very quickly. No matter if it's a mutual friend of ours or just a coworker of his. First it's a little compliment exchanged back and forth and then it escalates to asking questions to get to know the other person better. From there it leads to nothing but trouble. In the past when I have found that he was texting the same number over and over he would have excuses as to why he was getting texts at all hours of the day. Then the texting would completely stop, well that just meant it was time for me to dig deep. Sure enough I would find that he had downloaded apps to be able to hide communication with his so called "friend". 

There should be no hidden friendships, apps, or anything else that would jeopardize your marriage. We have been there and done that when it comes to friends or coworkers becoming to close or needy. It's a dangerous situation and nothing good has ever come from it. Those type of people remind me of a stray dog sniffing around trashcans looking for their next meal. You may feel sorry for them and want to shelter them, but once you do they end up being more trouble than expected. Thanks to his shady past I can usually sniff those nasty strays a mile away. =)

I know some people have close friends that are the opposite sex, and for them it works. As for us...no freaking way!! I don't trust any female these days and if I'm being honest...I don't entirely trust him completely when it comes to other females either. I understand that our situation is different than most but it's something we both agree on these days. It makes life so much easier when he openly shares who he has been in communication with, and it's a way for him to continue to earn back my trust. 

There is a line and when someone crosses that line it's time to cut ties with that person. In the past he has always had a problem being mean and not wanting to hurt someones feelings...now he knows it's necessary to distant himself from them. He's come a long way, and has learned that some people are just not worth it. For me he puts the cell phone down, shares details of certain situations to ease my mind and more importantly he knows that in order to make things work he must be willing to remain strong and choose his friendships very carefully.