Have you ever been so mad at someone that you wanted to hate
them or just stop loving them?
I have a confession…I wanted so badly to hate my husband, in
fact I wanted to stop loving him. I wished I had never met him or fallen in
love with him. I actually prayed that any love I had for
him would leave my heart and he'd be erased from my memory forever.
Life isn't like that though; we can’t just turn our feelings
on and off when we are angry or hurt. We can’t just stop loving someone or hate them when we share a life
with them and they fill a spot in our hearts. I have been with my husband for
16 years; we share a history, a life and three amazing children together. As
much as I wanted with all my heart to hate him it was impossible for me to do
so. I tried. I tried with all that I had in me but the more I prayed I could
stop the stronger my love for him grew. I was not only angry with him for
betraying me, I was angry with God for not helping me forget this man He had
placed in my life. I felt as if God was punishing me for some reason, I tried bargaining
with Him, anything to remove my husband from my heart.
I would cry myself to sleep and wake up each morning and cry
some more. Nothing seemed normal and I had to go through the motions for the
sake of my children. I smiled when they would look up at me and my heart would
break in silence when they would hug me and tell me it would be ok. Life was
just so unfair at that time. I was left alone trying to create some sort of
normalcy in a dire situation while my husband was gone living his life of “freedom”
he desired so much. After a while he would come back home only to leave us
again. Oh how I wanted to hate him, only to hate myself for letting him do this
to us. I gave up hope in love and I didn’t care if I had a black heart for the
rest of my life, love was no longer the greatest gift one could receive in my
eyes.
People could
ask “but Jennifer if he hurt you so much why stay with him, why still love him?”
I honestly didn't know how to answer that question. It’s a mixture of so many things, I came from a family of divorce and
it was a nightmare that I didn’t want my children to experience. I was afraid
of being alone; I had spent so many years sharing a life and responsibilities
with him. He was the only man I’ve ever truly loved. At one time he was my safe
place, my protector and my everything. I loved him; I loved him with my entire heart and soul! I held
on to the person he was and I knew eventually he would be that person again. I
hoped that he would realize that what he was searching for so selfishly was
right in front of him. I hoped he would love me again, just as he did the day
he married me.
His affair was in some ways a blessing that took me years to
discover. It taught me that I am stronger than I ever imagined. I don’t need his
love to survive nor do I deserve half of what he has to offer, I deserve his
full respect, love and commitment.
The most important thing I learned is that I was given a
heart that never stops loving and a husband that still needs all the love I
have to offer so that he continues to find his way back to where he belongs. So that he can find comfort knowing that someone loves him, even through his darkest days and when he feels he can't even love himself.
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