Raising Children Alone

Kuddos to all you single mom's reading this!! 

The thought of raising three children alone scares me. That was my biggest fear when my husband left me. I would ask myself constantly how the heck I was going to care for my kids all by myself. I saw my mother do it, so I knew it was possible but it wasn't something I wanted to experience for myself. 

I've shared how I filed for divorce and asked my husband to sign over his parental rights and I was scared out of my mind! That would mean I would be the only parent they had. I would have to find a way to provide for them in every way possible all by myself. If you're use to "being taken care of" you forget what it is like to do things on your own. I knew it would be a struggle and I would have help from others but I didn't feel comfortable asking for anything. These were my children, my responsibility. 

As I was trying to figure out how to be a single mom I then started wondering how I would survive as a single woman. What man would want to be with a mom of three? Could I ever date again, or remarry? Was it possible that one day I would be happy again, and my children would once again have a man in their lives that would love them as his own? Would they ever even accept another man that wasn't their father? I knew no man could ever replace their Daddy and I didn't want that, but there was always a possibility that another man could be a part of their lives. I wasn't ready by any means to be with someone else but those were realistic concerns that would pop into my head every now and then. The man I wanted in our lives wasn't present. Was there a man that would one day want me? Want us? 

Then it hit me...my step dad was that type of man. He welcomed my mother and her three children into his life, never showing any doubt he wanted all of us. The person he is reminded me that even though things weren't working out with my husband, it was possible to find a man that would accept me and my children. He has played a very important role in my life and while he isn't my Daddy, he is the man that helped raise me to be the adult I am today. 

I know how fortunate I am to still be with my husband, for my children to be under the same roof as their father and I wouldn't change that for anything. I was a child of divorce; I saw firsthand the struggle my mother went through to provide for my brothers and me. She survived it and she has taught me to be a strong woman, a loving mother and a beautiful human being. Because of her and all the other single mothers I know that are raising their children alone I believe that anything is possible. 

A mother is a mother, with or without a man by her side!! She will do whatever possible to be there for her children, to protect them, provide for them and love them with everything she has in her. 

I admire all of you that have done it and those who are doing it now. You have showed me that if there is ever a day I have to go at it alone I can and will do it. 



You truly are an inspiration!! 

After Effects

After I filed for the divorce I had given up any hope of my husband returning home. He was living his life as he wanted and I was so broken. I wanted nothing more than for him to walk through the door and tell me he had made a huge mistake but I knew I was kidding myself. I lost so much of myself through it all.

I stopped praying, and honestly, I quit believing. I blamed God for ever putting my husband in my life in the first place. I know that was wrong to think because without him I wouldn't have my children but at the time I was only focused on how much I was hurting. I just knew I wanted everything about him erased from my heart.

The toll it took on me physically was straining. I went days without eating and lost so much weight, normally I would have been ecstatic about that but when you lose so much in such a short amount of time you realize that it's not healthy and well...the weight comes back eventually. My body was weak and I always felt so drained, sleeping had become my escape from reality.

I blamed myself for everything that happened, if I had done things differently he wouldn't have stepped out on our marriage. I beat myself up wondering why he no longer loved me. Was I not pretty enough, thin enough, or was I too boring? I knew it wasn't my fault but knowing the truth didn't keep me from taking on all the blame. I felt like a complete failure.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, I was physically present but mentally I was far from gone. I cried all the time and if I wasn't crying I was zoned out. There were times I didn't even know where I was or what was going on. My children would come in and lay with me and I would just wrap my arms around them and cry. They comforted me and had become my rock.

Depression had kicked in and I found myself shutting everyone out of my life. I didn't want to see, hear or talk to anyone. What I wanted was to just crawl into a hole and die. During my depression I had thoughts of hurting myself, whether I would have followed through or not I honestly can't say. I like to think I never could have done that to my children and my family but the thought of numbing the pain I was suffering was far too appealing. I called out for help and it was the wake up call I needed to realize that I had to stop loving my husband more than I loved myself!

That was a turning point for me. I didn't' realize I was in a grieving process for my marriage. The strength I had found was diminishing and if I didn't do something for myself I would have spiraled deeper and deeper into the point of no return. I was so desperate trying to hold on to what once was that I lost focus on what was truly important, my health and my kids. If things were meant to be different they would eventually work out. I was giving up the idea of trying to control our future and I was tired of fighting alone to try and keep us all together.

I was time for me to dig myself out of the hole I was buried so deeply in and find my strength, confidence and life again. I had hit rock bottom and was determined to find myself again!! I vowed then that I would put ME first in order to be the mom I was intended to be. I would survive no matter how hard it was or how long it took.  

The Worst Battle

Have you ever truly listened to what your mind is telling you but ignored it because your heart says something completely different? 

During the dark moments after my husband's affair my head was saying "you have to let him go, he isn't worth all the pain and suffering." However, my heart would say "you love him, don't let go of what can still be." It's hard to truly know what you should do and trust that you're making the right decision in the end. If I had let him completely go our lives would be so different today. We wouldn't have had the chance to be a strong couple again; the love we once shared would have been just a memory. The feeling of comfort, security and completeness would be no more. If I stayed with him I would risk being hurt all over again.  

For the longest time I tried to listen to my head because it seemed to offer the more sensible solution. I would end the marriage, move on and find happiness again. Sounds easy enough right? The only problem was that my heart was shouting "BUT YOU LOVE HIM!" What do you do when you are living in the worst battle of your life? You follow your heart and pray it's going to lead you down the path you're meant to be on. Even if your head is kicking and screaming along behind, and that's exactly what it felt like. My heart knew being with him was what I wanted but my head kept reminding me of what he did, that he could do it again and that I was giving him complete control to break my heart all over again. 

I was mentally, emotionally and physically worn out. The million dollar question was which would I let win the battle? My heart or my head? Both leading to different outcomes and equally scary. Not just for me, but also for my children. No matter what risk I took it would impact us all and it was something I had to live with. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know which decision was the "right" one, and what if I made the wrong one? What if I made a selfish decision and only thought of myself? 

The man I knew was gone, the life I cherished was almost non-existent and the only thing I had left from the life we built together was our three children. I had to put their future and their lives before my own.I had to do what was best for them! I used what little faith I had left and asked God to give me the strength I needed for what was to come and asked that if He had something different planned for us I needed him to show me immediately. Well guess what...God doesn't work like that! You can't make Him do anything and He will show you what He has planned when HE is ready. 

I waited for a sign, any sign at all and I got absolutely nothing from Him. I lost my faith that day and I was so angry at God for not telling me what I should do, angry at my husband for putting me through this all alone and angry at myself for wanting to let my heart win the battle. With all of that anger built up inside I did it...I made the decision to ignore my heart and go with the what my head was telling me. It was time to let him go! He couldn't hurt me anymore if he was gone. 

On November 9, 2010 I filed for divorce and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I was scared, lonely and questioned what I did to deserve this and why my children had to suffer because of it. Signing the divorce papers caused me to have a mental breakdown and yet I had to hold it all together for three precious lives that were depending on me to be their rock. And yes, I was still waiting on God to take over. At that moment I needed Him and with each day that passed I gave up my trust in Him more and more. I could no longer depend on my husband to be there for us, in fact I had him agree to sign over his parental rights. It was my way of protecting them from him abandoning them any longer. 

My husband needed to hit rock bottom and my children needed him to do so just as badly. I didn't care about myself at this point, I just wanted to protect them and stop them from hurting, ALL of them. 

All I could do was sit back and wait for a miracle. Sometimes that's all we can do. 

Beauty and the Wife

I want to be a princess!

Instead, I married one. Hence the blog name "Beauty and the Wife." Sometime between falling in love and now, I found his "princess" qualities down right annoying. What man needs his own hair dryer, full length mirror and separate closets for each style of clothing he owns? While I appreciate him wanting to look nice all the time it does get old when I'm the one having to wait for him to finish getting ready so we can leave the house. 

I'm pretty sure I could learn something from him. While I am comfortable in yoga pants and a big comfy t-shirt I do try and look decent when he comes home from work. Putting on a little make up or at least running a brush through my hair makes all the difference in the world.

When you've been with someone for some time you tend to get too comfortable. In the beginning you make sure your makeup is done, hair smoothed down and your clothing matches. There are some days I pass a mirror and think "oh my, did I look like THAT all day?" My husband is so sweet because instead of saying "hey slob, how was your day?" he says "you're naturally beautiful." I wasn't born yesterday, I can read between the lines. :)

Dress up ladies!! Put a little makeup on, brush that hair, and throw on a pair of jeans and a nicer top than the big comfy t-shirt. Make it a daily habit, not just for him but for the princess in you.

I know they say beauty is on the inside but come on....who wants to walk in the door and see a disheveled mess every day? Trust me when I say, if he doesn't have someone that takes the time to look her best he WILL notice the ones that do! I am a stay at home mom and looking pretty to do laundry sometimes seems ridiculous but I know when my husband walks through the door he will get a glimpse of the girl he was attracted to years ago.