After Effects

After I filed for the divorce I had given up any hope of my husband returning home. He was living his life as he wanted and I was so broken. I wanted nothing more than for him to walk through the door and tell me he had made a huge mistake but I knew I was kidding myself. I lost so much of myself through it all.

I stopped praying, and honestly, I quit believing. I blamed God for ever putting my husband in my life in the first place. I know that was wrong to think because without him I wouldn't have my children but at the time I was only focused on how much I was hurting. I just knew I wanted everything about him erased from my heart.

The toll it took on me physically was straining. I went days without eating and lost so much weight, normally I would have been ecstatic about that but when you lose so much in such a short amount of time you realize that it's not healthy and well...the weight comes back eventually. My body was weak and I always felt so drained, sleeping had become my escape from reality.

I blamed myself for everything that happened, if I had done things differently he wouldn't have stepped out on our marriage. I beat myself up wondering why he no longer loved me. Was I not pretty enough, thin enough, or was I too boring? I knew it wasn't my fault but knowing the truth didn't keep me from taking on all the blame. I felt like a complete failure.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, I was physically present but mentally I was far from gone. I cried all the time and if I wasn't crying I was zoned out. There were times I didn't even know where I was or what was going on. My children would come in and lay with me and I would just wrap my arms around them and cry. They comforted me and had become my rock.

Depression had kicked in and I found myself shutting everyone out of my life. I didn't want to see, hear or talk to anyone. What I wanted was to just crawl into a hole and die. During my depression I had thoughts of hurting myself, whether I would have followed through or not I honestly can't say. I like to think I never could have done that to my children and my family but the thought of numbing the pain I was suffering was far too appealing. I called out for help and it was the wake up call I needed to realize that I had to stop loving my husband more than I loved myself!

That was a turning point for me. I didn't' realize I was in a grieving process for my marriage. The strength I had found was diminishing and if I didn't do something for myself I would have spiraled deeper and deeper into the point of no return. I was so desperate trying to hold on to what once was that I lost focus on what was truly important, my health and my kids. If things were meant to be different they would eventually work out. I was giving up the idea of trying to control our future and I was tired of fighting alone to try and keep us all together.

I was time for me to dig myself out of the hole I was buried so deeply in and find my strength, confidence and life again. I had hit rock bottom and was determined to find myself again!! I vowed then that I would put ME first in order to be the mom I was intended to be. I would survive no matter how hard it was or how long it took.  

I'm Just Not Good Enough

I am beautiful. I am confident. I am strong. I am lovable. I am worthy!!!

It took me a very long time to believe I was and am all of those things. Quite honestly, there are still days I question whether that is really who I am or just who I wish I could be.

After all, if I was all of those things why would my husband want someone else? Why would he be attracted to other women and want to give them his time and affection? Maybe I wasn't beautiful, or confident, or lovable. Maybe I was weak and unworthy. What if I really wasn't good enough for him, or any man for that matter? I must have been a mean, horrible, disgusting person!!

That must all be true right? I sure thought so. I knew at one point in our relationship he was attracted to the good qualities I had to offer. So what was the sudden change in me that would cause him to hate me so much that he would hurt me so badly?

Every ounce of self-confidence I had was gone, crushed and seemed beyond repair. It hurt terribly to feel rejected and worthless to the man I shared my life with. My heart was shattered.

Something just had to change. I was too busy finding flaws and blaming myself for HIS actions. For my own sanity I needed to stop loathing in self pity, put on my big girl panties and stop making myself the “victim”. I stopped eating, was severely depressed and shut everyone important to me out of my life. Not to mention my children had not only lost their Daddy in a sense, but they were losing their Mommy also. Life as we all knew it had become a nightmare and I had to be strong for all of us. I had to gain my confidence back and believe that I was a beautiful person, on the inside and out. Focusing too much on what I wasn't was only hurting me more. 

I was damaged and felt as if life wasn't worth living. All because I had convinced myself that I wasn't “good enough.” I was worthy of love and respect, not only from my husband but from myself.

After I finished having my pity party I learned to think positive about who I was. When my head would fill up with negative thoughts I would push them aside and remind myself that I was NOT all of those things. I was perfect just the way I was, flaws and all.

I learned that it was more important that I love myself: even if I didn't have the perfect body, the most beautiful smile or the best personality. What I did have was a warm heart and an abundance of love to offer and that was worth more than anything else. I had to fall in love with the person I had always been. 

My heart breaks for the woman I once was and it has been a struggle but I made a vow to myself that I will always be good enough for ME!!