Facing the truth

How could you be so stupid!!

That is a question I have asked myself over and over. I would go through all of the things my husband put me through and how I wasn't paying enough attention to what was happening in my marriage. I knew were becoming distant but I just pushed it aside waiting for the problems we were dealing with to go away on their own.

Life isn't that easy. Some things do work out by themselves but the harder situations require a lot more attention.

Being in denial was the first thing I had to work on. I didn't want to see the facts that were right in front of my face. My husband was becoming distant, wanting time alone, spending too much time on his phone, angry all the time and pushing me away.  I blamed his job; working nights was taking its toll on him but I was using that as an excuse for his mood changes. When he was putting in lots of extra hours I didn't question whether or not he was actually at work, nor did I verify it by looking at his pay-stubs.When he would receive a phone call I didn't ask who was on the other end. I just let him have his privacy, even though I knew he wasn't one to be on the phone all the time. How could I be so stupid?

The second thing I had to work on was to stop being afraid to ask questions and settling for silence in return. When he would answer me he would give me short answers or get mad at me for accusing him of doing something wrong. I've never had a problem sharing what I was thinking or asking tough questions. However, when it came to the faithfulness of my husband I beat around the bush. I knew in my heart what the answers were but I didn't want to hear the truth. So I settled for lies and half-truths. How could I be so stupid?

Listening to my gut instincts was the hardest to work on over anything else. I have heard people say that their gut is never wrong, I would think “yeah right, you’re crazy!” I was clearly ignoring mine, and it was telling me everything I already knew. I wanted to believe that the feelings I was having were just in my head. When I would ask my husband about his whereabouts, his faithfulness or his actions my mind was saying “believe him” but my gut was saying “something doesn't seem right.” Instead of demanding the truth I let my heart take over and believe what he was saying, even though I knew it was wrong. How could I be so stupid?

It took courage and strength to stop being so stupid and demand answers. Honest answers!! I didn't want to face the truth, because if I did that would mean I would have to make some tough choices. It took me some time to convince myself that although I loved him I deserved enough respect to be told the truth. I deserved to know where he was spending his time, who was spending it with and why he was being unfaithful. I am no longer stupid! 

Honest Answers from Real Men

With the help of some pretty awesome men I was able to compile a list of the views men have when it comes to women. Some answers were pretty surprising to me, and it was nice to hear honest answers from real men.

     1. Do you want a woman to be         completely dependent?

 
No. If she is financially dependent that is great, especially if she always wants to shop and get her hair and nails done. In my opinion, men want a woman to depend on them for certain things, but not everything.

2. Does a woman's physical appearance turn you on or off? Examples: Clothing, makeup, hair, and weight.
 
Yes, they want her to look good for them but they do understand when she doesn't on those days that she is busy working around the house or taking care of the children.

3. Would you be ok with your wife being more successful than you or make more money?
 
Yes. That one surprised me; I have always heard that men wanted to be the bread winners in the relationship.

4. Is communication really THAT important to you?
 
Yes. Another shocker! I just assumed my husband would rather me hush than actually have a conversation. I'm sure there is a difference in communicating and nagging...must remember that!!

5. How often do you want intimacy?
 
Drum rolls please.....Any chance they can, unless they are tired from work. Let’s be honest, no surprise there.

6. Do you NEED affection the same way women do?
 
Yes. They enjoy cuddling and need physical touch. They may not need as much as women do but they do need it more than we may think.

7. If your wife ever cheated on you would you stay with her? 

 
No. They each said that is something they could not and would not tolerate.

8. How do you feel about men and women being friends? 

 
The consensus was that it was fine as long as they were friends with their spouse too. They however said they would not be ok with their wives meeting alone with another man, friend or not.

9. How often do you want to hear your wife tell you how proud she is of you?
 
Every single day!

10. What is the first thing that attracts you to a woman?

Her appearance, meaning how she is put together and the confidence she carries. 

It was nice to hear the difference in what my answers would have been had I been asked referring to men. I was also pleased to find out that when it comes to communication and affection men and woman are similar. It goes to show that we all want to feel loved and wanted. 

Strength vs Courage

I recently had a very dear friend tell me that she could learn something from me when it comes to courage. I sat and thought about her words, and whether or not I believe that I have courage. I know I am strong but I don't see myself as courageous. When I think of the word, I see it as being brave, facing your fear and not being afraid to fight against all odds.

I came across this poem and wanted to share it with you. I read it and let the words sink in and you know what I discovered? Maybe I am strong AND courageous. I just need to believe in myself as my friend believes in me.


Strength Vs Courage 

1. It takes strength to be firm. 
It takes courage to be gentle. 

2. It takes strength to stand guard. 
It takes courage to let down your guard. 

3. It takes strength to conquer. 
It takes courage to surrender. 

4. It takes strength to be certain. 
It takes courage to have doubt. 

5. It takes strength to fit in. 
It takes courage to stand out. 

6. It takes strength to feel a friend's pain. 
It takes courage to feel your own pain. 

7. It takes strength to hide your own pains. 
It takes courage to show them. 

8. It takes strength to endure abuse. 
It takes courage to stop it. 

9. It takes strength to stand alone. 
It takes courage to lean on another. 

10. It takes strength to love. 
It takes courage to be loved. 

11. It takes strength to survive. 
It takes courage to live. 


[ Author Unknown -- 

A Date with Anxiety

I so desperately want to break up with my dear friend "anxiety." There are times we see each other EVERY SINGLE DAY! There are also times we can go weeks or even months without bumping into each other. (I like those times...A LOT!!) 

If you have ever suffered from anxiety you know how awful it can be. It consumes every ounce of anything good you have in yourself. The feeling that your heart is going to jump out of your chest, the sweat that pours out of your body, and oh my...the inability to relax, breath and just function all together. Yup...I have experienced all of the above with regular visits from the "Big A". Anxiety attacks would then turn into full blown panic attacks. Thankfully, over the years I have learned how to keep myself from letting it get the best of me. From a young age I have always dealt with some form of anxiety, as an adult I grew to recognize it and if I'm lucky I can control it. 

I was and am my own worst enemy, actually my mind is. I can be perfectly fine and then something minor pops into my head and WHAM!!! Out of nowhere I feel it slowly creeping up and before I know it there is nothing I can do besides sit and let it pass.

So what makes me anxious? Hmm...it's probably easiest to ask what doesn't. These days it takes something major to cause me to go into a frenzy. After I found out about my husband's affair it was almost daily I was suffering from my anxiety. The constant wondering of where he was, what he was doing and who he was with. To be honest, just him looking at me the wrong way would set it off. 

It wasn't fair to myself or to him. He wasn't making me think the things I was, or causing my mind to wonder. He didn't have to be doing anything wrong for me to make up my own scenarios and cause the panic and anxiety to surface. My thoughts, my fear and my insecurities were literally driving me to have panic attack after panic attack. Without a doubt a lot of it did stem from what he put me through. However, my thought process is what got me and kept me there and I would be lying if I said my mind doesn't go there any longer. I don't know that it will ever not go there. 

For those of you wondering, yes I have taken medication for it and yes it did help. I stopped after I learned how to control it on my own. It took years of hard work and determination to do so and there have been times that I have felt I couldn't handle things on my and needed help. Recognizing it is a huge step and getting help for it is even bigger. 

There are times our problems are bigger than we want to believe and accepting the fact that we may need help, whether it be medication, therapy or just a shoulder to cry on are necessary. I've learned that too much pride will get you nowhere but support will get you through anything. 

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is a time for loved ones to come together and give thanks for their many blessings.

This year for me it means so much more. As I look back, I see the many blessings God has provided for me and my family. We may not have a perfect life but we do have each other. That means more to me than anything else.

My husband and I have been through so much and yet we still try and remain strong. Of course at times we have our moments of fear, doubt and uncertainty that our marriage will survive. However, we take each day one at a time. We remind ourselves and each other why we are together. The love that bonds us is what helps us remain solid. Giving in for me was never an option, I tried and failed miserably. I can honestly say that today I am stronger than I was then. I know I can and will survive anything that comes my way.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that I will continue to be a stronger person. Not just for myself, but for my children and my husband.

I quite often question whether or not this is what God has planned for me. I take comfort in knowing that He will be holding my hand should things not turn out the way I want them to. That is very tough to swallow, what I want may not be what HE wants. I'm putting my trust in Him and will continue to do so through this entire process.

I know that many may not agree, condone, support or understand why I choose to live this life and I am OK with that. I am not looking for acceptance, approval or sympathy from anyone.   

I chose to start this blog for me! A way for me to share my story, no matter how dark it may get. We all have our stories, and I feel in my heart that God put me through this so that I may be able help others that are going through something similar. I did not choose to share my story to be critized or judged. I've had enough of that from some already. Until you have walked a day in my shoes you can not begin to understand what I have been through.

The pain I have felt is real and opening that door for others to see is scary. I knew from the beginning that I was going to open many doors I have tried to nail shut and it wasn't going to be easy to relive. I also knew that by doing so I was exposing not just my story, but my husbands also. I have been fighting the decision to share this publicly but have decided to follow my heart and take a risk.

Some days are harder than others but I look back and see how far I have come. Healing from such pain isn't an overnight process, it takes time and lots of hard work. Above all, it takes faith!

The Perfect Marriage

"I bet their house is NEVER this dirty." "He probably doesn't yell at his wife." "I wish our marriage was as wonderful as So and So's." "Why can't you do nice things for me, her husband does those things for her?" 

It's natural to compare ourselves to others. We compare our looks, careers, marriages and spouses to those around us or on television. We only see what a person is like on the surface and it causes us to have higher expectations for ourselves and our marriage. 

Nothing and no one is perfect! When we try to measure up to what we believe someone else has or does we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment. 

The truth is: your house will never be as spotless as your neighbors, your husband will never be as romantic as the man on the soaps, your marriage will never be 100% perfect. 

Why?? Because there is no such thing as "perfect". When we stop comparing ourselves, our spouses, our children, our marriage and our lives to those around us we can see that everyone is the same in some form or another. 

No one is going to have it all together. We all have our faults and we all have "stuff" that we go through. Those that live a lavish lifestyle also worry about the amount of money they have in the bank. How do we know that the couple that seems so in love almost divorced and have found their way back? Every couple argues and says things they regret at some point or another. In my opinion, those who say they have a perfect marriage are suffering more than those that expose it for others to see. 

My parents had one of those "perfect" marriages when others were around. Behind closed doors it was a different story, they had dark secrets just like any other couple. My father was abusive towards my mother yet he held his temper when anyone was watching. When they were around family or friends they were the most loving and caring couple you would ever see. We show people only what we want them to see.  

Things aren't always as they seem. Stop comparing your life to that of others, you never know what they are hiding when no one is around. 

Beauty and the Wife

I want to be a princess!

Instead, I married one. Hence the blog name "Beauty and the Wife." Sometime between falling in love and now, I found his "princess" qualities down right annoying. What man needs his own hair dryer, full length mirror and separate closets for each style of clothing he owns? While I appreciate him wanting to look nice all the time it does get old when I'm the one having to wait for him to finish getting ready so we can leave the house. 

I'm pretty sure I could learn something from him. While I am comfortable in yoga pants and a big comfy t-shirt I do try and look decent when he comes home from work. Putting on a little make up or at least running a brush through my hair makes all the difference in the world.

When you've been with someone for some time you tend to get too comfortable. In the beginning you make sure your makeup is done, hair smoothed down and your clothing matches. There are some days I pass a mirror and think "oh my, did I look like THAT all day?" My husband is so sweet because instead of saying "hey slob, how was your day?" he says "you're naturally beautiful." I wasn't born yesterday, I can read between the lines. :)

Dress up ladies!! Put a little makeup on, brush that hair, and throw on a pair of jeans and a nicer top than the big comfy t-shirt. Make it a daily habit, not just for him but for the princess in you.

I know they say beauty is on the inside but come on....who wants to walk in the door and see a disheveled mess every day? Trust me when I say, if he doesn't have someone that takes the time to look her best he WILL notice the ones that do! I am a stay at home mom and looking pretty to do laundry sometimes seems ridiculous but I know when my husband walks through the door he will get a glimpse of the girl he was attracted to years ago. 

Trusting Again After An Affair

TRUST.....that word scares me. It is a powerful five letter word in my opinion. Once trust has been broken it can never be what it once was.

I've always had trust issues, and if I'm being 100% honest I have to admit that I've never even fully trusted my own husband. Growing up I always had my guard up, so naturally when it came to relationships and marriage my trust radar was on high alert.

After almost ten years of marriage I decided it was time to let my guard down and trust the man I married, the man I share three precious children with. It felt great to let that fear go. I prayed I wouldn't regret it and I never had reason not to trust him.

It didn't take long for that to backfire and bite me on the butt. The unthinkable happened. The man I now trusted stepped outside of our marriage. The wall I had tried so hard to protect was knocked down and I was left picking up the pieces within myself. How could the love of my life do such a horrible act?

I started noticing changes in our relationship but it wasn't enough to make me worry. We had both grown distant due to work schedules and the health of our daughter. I just figured things would work out on their own and our life would go back to normal. Maybe, just maybe, I was in denial that my husband could ever be unfaithful.

I felt like such a fool for believing I could ever trust someone other than myself. I had no choice but to decide if I should stay or go. I felt that the easiest thing to do would be to walk out that door and never look back. Instead, I chose to fight for my marriage, knowing I was taking a huge risk letting him back into my life.

Each day that passes I learn more and more about the strength and patience it takes to try and trust again.
These are a few of my daily rituals to help me regain trust in my husband. Some days I succeed and others I fail. Baby steps...

• Looking for flaws in his stories. I will ask him the same question different ways to try and find a lie. 

• Expecting him to be at my beckon call. If he doesn't respond to my texts or answer my calls anxiety kicks in. I start questioning where he is and what he is doing.

• Watching his eyes. For example: having dinner and noticing where an attractive woman is and watching his eyes to see if they wonder in her direction. 

• Mistaking his silence for unhappiness. This is one I know is unfair but I continue to question it. Everyone is entitled to a bad day and the right to stay quiet without being questioned about it. 

• Believing that he is being honest and faithful. If I want to trust again I need to remind myself that the only way that will happen is by letting go of the thought that I will be hurt again. 

My husband knows that I have these fears daily and he knows that he is the one that caused me to feel this way. He never gets mad at me for it and he understands my questioning his every move. I also understand his frustration when I have really, really bad days.

Some may ask why I choose to live this way, my answer is simple. Love and faith that everything will work out the way God intended it to be.

Know Your Strength

Can your marriage survive the devastation of an affair? More importantly, can YOU survive after such horrible betrayal?

Unless you have been in the shoes of a woman that has been cheated on by her husband you can not begin to imagine what she is going through. The pain is unbearable. 

You feel abandoned, rejected, humiliated, unworthy, and unloved. "Am I that horrible of a wife?" "Am I that unattractive?" "What does she offer him that I don't?" 

Those are questions that haunt you day after day. Any free moment you have you are consumed with the "what ifs."

"What if I had been more intimate with him?" "What if I had made myself prettier when he came home each day?" "What if I paid more attention to him?" 

If you are going through this right now I have one thing to say to you...STOP!! 

It took me a long time to learn that while I played some part in his unhappiness I am not the one that caused him to cheat. He chose to break our wedding vows and seek whatever he thought was missing through someone else. I knew that if I wanted to find peace I would have to stop blaming myself, it was time to bury the "what ifs."

The purpose of me starting this blog was to share my story and how I dealt with and still am dealing with feelings infidelity brought to my marriage. 

If you are going through this believe that you will survive! Whether you choose to stay with your spouse or not, you will have good days and bad days. Take each day as it is and embrace the strength within yourself. 

The first step is to stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault! 

5 Ways To Show Your Husband Affection

Show me a woman that doesn't want or need affection from her husband and I'll show you my birthday suit. TOTALLY KIDDING!!

Wives, if you aren't holding your husband's hand, wrapping your arms around him daily, or kissing him at least once a day you are doing something wrong.

It is human nature to feel loved and wanted, especially by your spouse. Once that feeling is gone you run into a whole new set of problems. Affection can be shown with hugs, kissing, saying "I love you", and showing you've taken the time to do something special for the other person. I crave affection and I'm sure I'm not alone. You may be shocked at just how much your relationship can benefit from just one simple gesture.


1. Touch 

Put your gentle hands on him as much as possible. Hold his hand, rub his back and shoulders, hug him tightly.


2. Steal kisses

Giving your husband a peck on the cheek or lips when he leaves for work is more than likely just habit, something you've always done since day one. When you're near him grab his face and give him an unexpected kiss on the lips or forehead.


3. Simple gestures

There are so many five second gestures you can do to show your husband you love him. Leave a note on his windshield or in his suitcase if he travels, send him a loving text, pour him a cup of coffee in the morning, the list goes on and on. It's the small things like these that go a long way.


4. Appreciate him

Tell him how proud you are of him and how much you appreciate everything he does for you and your family. Let him know how much you still love him.


5. Time

Most importantly, make time for one another! Schedule a date night, if you don't have much time make it simple. Grab a cup of coffee if you only have a few minutes to spare. Find time for each other and put the cell phones away!!! Focus on the person sitting right in front of you and enjoy their company.

Talk to me, not at me

I remember the day my husband proposed to me, it was one of the best days of my life. For a girl just out of high school it was wonderful to think that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with ME! Do you remember those feelings? The butterflies in your stomach every time he brushed up against your arm, or the burst of energy you felt when he would call you and invite you to dinner or a movie. I was so naive, I believed that those wonderful, giddy feelings would never disappear. Then life happened...

You know...that thing that gets in the way of being that fun spontaneous couple. That couple that couldn't keep their hands off of each other. The couple that thinks everything the other does is just so darn cute.

Ahh...those were the good old days!!

We get so caught up with life that we forget what brought us together. I know I am guilty of losing sight of why I fell in love with this wonderful blue eyed guy that I call husband. We started our marriage young and in love, we bought a house and then had a child. Years later we added two more additions to our family and the time we once made for each other seemed to slowly vanish. If you have children you know exactly what I am talking about. Conversations that were once about your hopes and dreams are now about bills and what activities your children have for the week.
We spend less time getting to know our spouse, because let's face it...after years of marriage is there really anything you don't already know about them? YES!!



Believe it or not there is so much you can still learn about each other. As the years go by we all change in some way or another. Our outlook on life can change, circumstances can cause us to see things differently than we once did. Just simply asking "hi honey, how was your day?" can teach you something you may not know. Take the time to listen and ask questions, get to know your spouse, your friend, your companion. One day your children will be grown and you'll become empty nesters...and then what?

It amazes me that we have no problem talking to strangers, yet we sit in silence across the table from our husbands or wives. Instead of nagging about what they aren't doing we should open our mouths and minds to what they ARE doing for us.

Talk to one another, not at one another!