The Worst Battle

Have you ever truly listened to what your mind is telling you but ignored it because your heart says something completely different? 

During the dark moments after my husband's affair my head was saying "you have to let him go, he isn't worth all the pain and suffering." However, my heart would say "you love him, don't let go of what can still be." It's hard to truly know what you should do and trust that you're making the right decision in the end. If I had let him completely go our lives would be so different today. We wouldn't have had the chance to be a strong couple again; the love we once shared would have been just a memory. The feeling of comfort, security and completeness would be no more. If I stayed with him I would risk being hurt all over again.  

For the longest time I tried to listen to my head because it seemed to offer the more sensible solution. I would end the marriage, move on and find happiness again. Sounds easy enough right? The only problem was that my heart was shouting "BUT YOU LOVE HIM!" What do you do when you are living in the worst battle of your life? You follow your heart and pray it's going to lead you down the path you're meant to be on. Even if your head is kicking and screaming along behind, and that's exactly what it felt like. My heart knew being with him was what I wanted but my head kept reminding me of what he did, that he could do it again and that I was giving him complete control to break my heart all over again. 

I was mentally, emotionally and physically worn out. The million dollar question was which would I let win the battle? My heart or my head? Both leading to different outcomes and equally scary. Not just for me, but also for my children. No matter what risk I took it would impact us all and it was something I had to live with. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know which decision was the "right" one, and what if I made the wrong one? What if I made a selfish decision and only thought of myself? 

The man I knew was gone, the life I cherished was almost non-existent and the only thing I had left from the life we built together was our three children. I had to put their future and their lives before my own.I had to do what was best for them! I used what little faith I had left and asked God to give me the strength I needed for what was to come and asked that if He had something different planned for us I needed him to show me immediately. Well guess what...God doesn't work like that! You can't make Him do anything and He will show you what He has planned when HE is ready. 

I waited for a sign, any sign at all and I got absolutely nothing from Him. I lost my faith that day and I was so angry at God for not telling me what I should do, angry at my husband for putting me through this all alone and angry at myself for wanting to let my heart win the battle. With all of that anger built up inside I did it...I made the decision to ignore my heart and go with the what my head was telling me. It was time to let him go! He couldn't hurt me anymore if he was gone. 

On November 9, 2010 I filed for divorce and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I was scared, lonely and questioned what I did to deserve this and why my children had to suffer because of it. Signing the divorce papers caused me to have a mental breakdown and yet I had to hold it all together for three precious lives that were depending on me to be their rock. And yes, I was still waiting on God to take over. At that moment I needed Him and with each day that passed I gave up my trust in Him more and more. I could no longer depend on my husband to be there for us, in fact I had him agree to sign over his parental rights. It was my way of protecting them from him abandoning them any longer. 

My husband needed to hit rock bottom and my children needed him to do so just as badly. I didn't care about myself at this point, I just wanted to protect them and stop them from hurting, ALL of them. 

All I could do was sit back and wait for a miracle. Sometimes that's all we can do. 

Red Flags

You suspect your spouse is cheating but how can you be sure? Unless you see them with your own eyes or they miraculously fess up you’re pretty much left to learn ways to discover the truth on your own. I learned how to keep an eye out for red flags and my intuition led the way. I tease my husband that I could be a private investigator, and a darn good one at that! I have learned a lot; unfortunately it all comes from experience.

Here are a few ways to discover some painful truths. 

1. Behavior: They suddenly have mood swings or seem to get angry at the smallest things. Almost as if they try and pick fights just to have an excuse to become distant.
2. Change in habits: They seem to get home later than usual, go out more often with friends or suddenly want to do things alone.
3. Lies: Their stories never seem to add up, and when questioned about it they stumble over their words as if trying not to reveal too much.
4. Cell phone usage: Their phone has become a permanent fixture to their hip. Excessive or secretive phone calls or texts, secret apps, and setting their phone face down or keeping it on vibrate. Getting upset when you ask to see it.
5. Defensiveness: When you question their whereabouts, moods or habits they become defensive and angry.
6. Unexplained spending: Excessive ATM withdrawals yet no solid explanation as to where the money is being spent. Borrowing from friends behind your back.
7. Change in appearance: They seem to dress up more than usual, wear new cologne or seem to be dressing to impress someone other than you.
8. Loss of interest in sex: There seems to be more and more excuses as to why they aren't in the mood or they push you away when you try to be intimate.
9. Hidden items: They have clothing, cologne, or personal items hidden in their car. 
10. Guilt: When asked about their faithfulness they seem to turn it around to you and accuse you of cheating or they change the subject quickly. I've always found that my husband he would shut down when he was feeling guilty. Almost as if he was silently screaming he wanted to confess something to me.

It all comes down to is attention. Attention to detail as a matter of fact. You don't spend your life with someone and not notice when something seems "off."

I know people say that if you have to start snooping around it's time to let them go. That is easier said than done, sometimes discovering the truth is something you aren't ready to face.

Trusting Again After An Affair

TRUST.....that word scares me. It is a powerful five letter word in my opinion. Once trust has been broken it can never be what it once was.

I've always had trust issues, and if I'm being 100% honest I have to admit that I've never even fully trusted my own husband. Growing up I always had my guard up, so naturally when it came to relationships and marriage my trust radar was on high alert.

After almost ten years of marriage I decided it was time to let my guard down and trust the man I married, the man I share three precious children with. It felt great to let that fear go. I prayed I wouldn't regret it and I never had reason not to trust him.

It didn't take long for that to backfire and bite me on the butt. The unthinkable happened. The man I now trusted stepped outside of our marriage. The wall I had tried so hard to protect was knocked down and I was left picking up the pieces within myself. How could the love of my life do such a horrible act?

I started noticing changes in our relationship but it wasn't enough to make me worry. We had both grown distant due to work schedules and the health of our daughter. I just figured things would work out on their own and our life would go back to normal. Maybe, just maybe, I was in denial that my husband could ever be unfaithful.

I felt like such a fool for believing I could ever trust someone other than myself. I had no choice but to decide if I should stay or go. I felt that the easiest thing to do would be to walk out that door and never look back. Instead, I chose to fight for my marriage, knowing I was taking a huge risk letting him back into my life.

Each day that passes I learn more and more about the strength and patience it takes to try and trust again.
These are a few of my daily rituals to help me regain trust in my husband. Some days I succeed and others I fail. Baby steps...

• Looking for flaws in his stories. I will ask him the same question different ways to try and find a lie. 

• Expecting him to be at my beckon call. If he doesn't respond to my texts or answer my calls anxiety kicks in. I start questioning where he is and what he is doing.

• Watching his eyes. For example: having dinner and noticing where an attractive woman is and watching his eyes to see if they wonder in her direction. 

• Mistaking his silence for unhappiness. This is one I know is unfair but I continue to question it. Everyone is entitled to a bad day and the right to stay quiet without being questioned about it. 

• Believing that he is being honest and faithful. If I want to trust again I need to remind myself that the only way that will happen is by letting go of the thought that I will be hurt again. 

My husband knows that I have these fears daily and he knows that he is the one that caused me to feel this way. He never gets mad at me for it and he understands my questioning his every move. I also understand his frustration when I have really, really bad days.

Some may ask why I choose to live this way, my answer is simple. Love and faith that everything will work out the way God intended it to be.