To Continue or Not?

I can't tell you all enough how great this experience has been for me. I didn't think sharing my craziness with others would go far but I have had a wonderful response and I am so grateful for that! To those who read this it may just be entertaining, something to kill the time, or just curiosity into our lives because well…who doesn't love juicy gossip to share with others? However, to me it’s so much more. It gives me a chance to vent, share, and heal. At times the healing process is more painful than others. I admit that there are times I think about not continuing for a number of reasons. Sometimes I think for my own state of mind it would be easier to just pull the plug as opposed to facing past feelings over and over.

One reason for quitting is fear. I knew this process would be tough, I just didn’t know how tough. If I’m being completely honest I have to admit that I’m afraid there will be anger, pain and even some animosity built up inside that is just waiting to erupt. I shared this with my husband and told him that I am afraid so much will resurface that it will cause me to push him away. 

Another reason, which makes me so mad, is the opinions of others. I know it’s stupid, especially being this far into things but people are so judgmental and downright mean. Our family has suffered enough in the past and the last thing I want is for someone on their high horse telling me what I should or shouldn't do. Some people were never taught the whole "if you don't have anything nice, don't say anything at all" phrase we learn as a child. Advice is one thing, but being mean is another. God knows we've had enough of that! 

My biggest reason for contemplating backing down from this is pressure. Since so many know our story I can't help but feel pressure for myself and my husband to have a "perfect" relationship. Even though there is no such thing. I feel as though the critics are waiting for us to fail and have their “I told you so” moment. I also feel pressured that we have to prove our love for one another; I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I am human, and a woman at that! I need to learn to have my husband’s “I don’t care what others think” attitude. I realize that I am in a sense asking for whatever comes my way, positive or negative and I must learn to just smile and let everyone have their own opinions.

With all that being said; I have made a decision as to whether to continue or not and I have decided that I will!! I owe it to myself to do something I love as long as I stay focused on my marriage and my family and of course to continue to walking down the path of self healing to be a better person for those that are truly important in my life. I will try not to let myself think I have something to prove to others, but instead I will see this as a way for me to help others in some way or another.