The Ugly Four Letter Word

You lying, cheating, no good son of a goat!! I've thought that many times about my husband. Especially on those days that I just can't seem to forget about the excruciating pain in my heart. Why did he do it? What went through his mind while he was flirting, talking, hugging, kissing and doing much worse to someone other than me, his wife?!! Did he think he wouldn't get caught? Did he want to get caught because he was a coward that couldn't come out and say he was finished in our marriage? 

Yeah, that's exactly what went through his mind. He wanted me to push him away but I wasn't strong enough to do that. So for a very long time he played this game of coming and going, I was his yo-yo and like an idiot in love I let him bounce me back and forth. Not once did I think to myself that he actually wanted me to be the one to call it quits because he was a weak S.O.B. They say love is blind but in reality it can be very stupid. Or at least make you very stupid, and boy was I proving that to be right. 

I just can't understand how we can hurt the ones we love. Yes...we! I guess we just figure that if they love us they will be willing to put up with whatever we throw at them. Sadly, we treat most strangers better than we do our loved ones. They see the sweet, calm, and understanding side of us and we save all the nastiness we have for the ones we know will always be there for us. It's sad and it's unfair. 

I was getting the moody, secretive, dishonest, selfish side of my husband and someone else was getting the sweet, happy liar. That just wasn't fair!! What did I do to get the ugly side of him? Oh yeah, I was just the "wife"...the one who loved him and treated him well. He was having his cake and eating it too, and I was there like a moron greeting him with open arms thinking "he's home and he isn't going to leave me again." I would hear "I'm sorry, I love you, I do want to be with you, trust me!" Like a fool I would give in and brush it all under the rug. 

There are times, like writing this post that I think back and wonder how and why I put up with all that I did. Why didn't I just walk away...oh yeah, it's because of that ugly four letter word...L.O.V.E. Now I look back and see that I wasn't the fool or the moron...he was. I finally learned that love sometimes just isn't enough. It doesn't prevent bad things from happening, it kind of adds to them. It makes us do stupid things, it makes us vulnerable and we can become lost wishing for what we want that we ignore what is going on right under our nose. The good and the bad. 

I'm sometimes amazed that I still believe in love but when I sit and think about it all, the unforgettable memories outweigh the pain and sorrow of the past. I will continue to love with my whole heart because that is just who I am.