Let It Be

We made it. OUR MARRIAGE IS 100% HEALED!! Kind of....

Ok, maybe we're still a work in progress. I'm pretty sure we'll always be a work in progress, but we are so much further than we were just a couple of years ago. This past year has been a true test of our faith, love and patience. Not because we are struggling, but because our lives have completely flipped and changed. We have built a new and solid relationship with each other this year and learned so much about ourselves and each other. We're strong, our children are happy and we are all exactly where we are meant to be. 

Y'all....my life is pretty darn great right now! During my quiet time I often sit there and tell myself..."you deserve this...you worked your ass off for this...ENJOY IT!!" It's true, I worked so hard to find my happiness...to find myself and to love myself again. To find my peace again. I was so mad for so long, I felt that as the wife and mother I had failed them. And bad. I felt for too long that I was supposed to be the glue that held it all together, that's what women do, right? Mommy is supposed to know how to fix everything, wives are supposed to know what to do when things are falling apart. As women we feel pressured to have it all together and guess what...we don't, and that's ok! I was so fixated on making everything right that I failed miserably. I was my own worse enemy. For every step I took forward I was knocked back 10 more.  

I didn't know how to fix anything. I tried and I fought myself and my husband to make our lives "normal" again. I finally decided it was time to stop fighting and just let it be. I had to take a step back and let life happen. That's what I have done over the past year and a half...I've just let life be! It feels great!! I/WE have found our happiness again. I'm not scared of the unknown anymore...in fact, I am excited for it. I can't wait to see all that God has in store for me, and I am not afraid to say that whatever blessings He hands me I deserve! But oh my, He has already done so much for me...I'd rather He help someone else find their deserved happiness because it's such a wonder feeling of comfort after a torrential storm.

I want to encourage anyone reading this to be patient. I waited so long to feel like a normal person again. There were moments I was ready to give up the fight. Times I opened the door for my husband to leave and secretly hoping he would just so I wouldn't have to hurt anymore, but he never completely left. If he did it was just for a short time, then he would come back only to repeat it time after time. When you live your life not knowing if you'll have stability from one day to the next it takes a toll on you. It causes you to become more angry at yourself rather than the one hurting you...because you allow it to happen. I can't speak for my husband but the one thing that kept me going was the hope that I would find my love again. And this year he has proven so much to me, I was too focused on myself that I was somewhat blind to the strong man he was molding himself into. He was quietly working on himself and I almost didn't see it. It's things like that that make me happy I hung on for dear life for the scariest ride of my life. Of course I wish I had never gotten on that roller coaster, but now I'm glad I was courageous enough to not let go. 

I AM DONE!!

There comes a time in our lives that we must step back, let go and take a different path than that we are on. There are no promises that we will find happiness instantly, but in time we will see that we are one step farther than before.

If we choose to remain where we are then we must learn to let go of past animosity, fear, doubt and insecurities. When we allow someone to control our every move, thought or feeling we are no longer doing for ourselves. We allow them to win, to keep control over us. Without realizing it we're closing the door to our own happiness. I've been silent for a while because I have focused all of my attention on myself, my husband and our children. We're all in a great place. In the past Thanksgiving has sometimes been a struggle for me and unfortunately my children. Several years ago we spent our first Thanksgiving without our protector, without our comforter. This year we celebrated all that we are thankful for and new beginnings was at the top of my list. 

I'll admit that in the middle of my day, as my husband wrapped his arms around me I had a bit of a "relapse". For an instant I let our past get in my brain. I hugged him tighter and forced it out of my head. I wasn't going to allow anyone or anything to ruin our moment. I hadn't had those thoughts in quite a while, I've had to remind myself that I am in control of me. I control how I feel, I will not be my own worst enemy by rekindling that hurt that I have healed inside of me. I will not allow the past, insecurities, individuals, and certainly not allow doubt to find a place to linger inside of me. I am done!! I'm determined to live in the moment, to embrace my happiness. 

I have been so blessed over this past year that I can't help but sometimes think that the man upstairs has me mixed up with someone more deserving. I'm still working on accepting that He really is mending my broken heart. That HE isn't finished with me yet! 

I'll leave you with this one last thought....When you feel as though what hurt you takes you to that deep dark place remind yourself that YOU are in control. Only you can come out of it and only you can veer onto another path, the one you choose to design for yourself. For your own happiness. 

Worst Club Ever!!

It's an exclusive club, not one everyone can be a part of. The only great thing about this club is the amazing support system you gain. I will not hand out invites to the "Betrayed Wives Club". I don't even want to be in this stupid club!! I wanted to turn in my resignation form on day one, unfortunately it comes with a lifetime membership. 

If you can't tell by now, I am having a rough day! Nothing in particular happened, just one of the perks of being in the club. You sit up on your repaired happy throne held up by Elmer's glue, praying it doesn't collapse. When a butterfly lands on it, you admire the beauty in that butterfly and embrace the moment of peace. Ahh...such a sweet moment that is!

Suddenly, a rock falls from the sky, breaks your throne, kills your butterfly and smacks you right on the face. The note on the rock says "no, no, NO...you are NOT supposed to be smiling!"

I have two choices at this point; sit and sulk, reliving painful memories and throwing that same rock that smacked me in the face at my husband. OR I can choose to push the good memories of my marriage to the front and allow my heart to smile again.

Today, I am choosing to toss that rock aside and remembering a special day. I'm replaying our wedding day. All of the planning, excitement and anticipation of becoming husband and wife. Making a promise in front of our family, friends and God to become one. We vowed to stand by each other through our happiest moments AND our darkest times. I see two young people, although scared out of their minds lighting a unity candle. 

It's more symbolic to me almost 15 years later than it was at that very moment. We each held a candle and together we lit one flame. Today that flame is still lit inside of us. There are times it is almost so dim we can't see it, but there are also times it shines so bright that we can see beyond what is just right in front of us. I love those moments! 

If I'm being completely honest, there are times I want to just blow that candle out and smash it to the ground. Not because I no longer want to be one with my husband, but because I would like to light a new candle. A fresh start, a chance for this new flame to never go dim again.

A girl can dream...if I do ever get a new candle I would use it to burn my membership card for that horrible club I'm now a member of. I've now learned how to protect it, how to keep others from going near it. And if all else fails, I feel confident in using it to burn those that try and blow it out!! ;) 

Every Scar Has A Story

We all have scars, some more than others and each one tells a different story. Let yours be a constant remembrance of what you've overcome. 

I know it sounds horrible, but I don't want anyone to "pity" me or my situation. I don't like the thought of someone feeling sorry for me. I shrink on the inside when I hear the words "I'm sorry this happened to you".

I appreciate it very much, I really do. I know it's said with compassion, and it's a person's way of telling me they care about me. However, when I hear those words it makes me feel as if I am a victim, as if they feel sorry for me. Maybe it's the attention I don't like, the fact that I don't want to burden others when I have "bad" days or the history of my drama filled life.

What I hear is "You poor, poor woman, your life must be so miserable." I'm sure that's not what they mean at all (at least not the majority who say it) but I often feel the need to defend myself and my marriage. 

The truth is...my life is not bad at all. Yes, our marriage has suffered a great deal in the past and it has taken years to rebuild but we are making it. We still continue to do so and each day that passes is another day proven that we made the right decision to work on and save our marriage. 

I have overcome so many obsticles in these past few years. Yes, YEARS! Surviving infedility isn't an overnight healing process. I take each day, obsticle and moment as a blessing. I am proud of how far I have come and each time I am knocked down I get back up. It may take a while but I do it! I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel that if I do others will also. My scars are my story, my reminder that I am alive and I can overcome anything that comes my way. Those scars are what have made me who I am today. I have survived everything life has dealt me from a very young age and I don't intend to give up now. 

Red Flags

You suspect your spouse is cheating but how can you be sure? Unless you see them with your own eyes or they miraculously fess up you’re pretty much left to learn ways to discover the truth on your own. I learned how to keep an eye out for red flags and my intuition led the way. I tease my husband that I could be a private investigator, and a darn good one at that! I have learned a lot; unfortunately it all comes from experience.

Here are a few ways to discover some painful truths. 

1. Behavior: They suddenly have mood swings or seem to get angry at the smallest things. Almost as if they try and pick fights just to have an excuse to become distant.
2. Change in habits: They seem to get home later than usual, go out more often with friends or suddenly want to do things alone.
3. Lies: Their stories never seem to add up, and when questioned about it they stumble over their words as if trying not to reveal too much.
4. Cell phone usage: Their phone has become a permanent fixture to their hip. Excessive or secretive phone calls or texts, secret apps, and setting their phone face down or keeping it on vibrate. Getting upset when you ask to see it.
5. Defensiveness: When you question their whereabouts, moods or habits they become defensive and angry.
6. Unexplained spending: Excessive ATM withdrawals yet no solid explanation as to where the money is being spent. Borrowing from friends behind your back.
7. Change in appearance: They seem to dress up more than usual, wear new cologne or seem to be dressing to impress someone other than you.
8. Loss of interest in sex: There seems to be more and more excuses as to why they aren't in the mood or they push you away when you try to be intimate.
9. Hidden items: They have clothing, cologne, or personal items hidden in their car. 
10. Guilt: When asked about their faithfulness they seem to turn it around to you and accuse you of cheating or they change the subject quickly. I've always found that my husband he would shut down when he was feeling guilty. Almost as if he was silently screaming he wanted to confess something to me.

It all comes down to is attention. Attention to detail as a matter of fact. You don't spend your life with someone and not notice when something seems "off."

I know people say that if you have to start snooping around it's time to let them go. That is easier said than done, sometimes discovering the truth is something you aren't ready to face.

Facing the truth

How could you be so stupid!!

That is a question I have asked myself over and over. I would go through all of the things my husband put me through and how I wasn't paying enough attention to what was happening in my marriage. I knew were becoming distant but I just pushed it aside waiting for the problems we were dealing with to go away on their own.

Life isn't that easy. Some things do work out by themselves but the harder situations require a lot more attention.

Being in denial was the first thing I had to work on. I didn't want to see the facts that were right in front of my face. My husband was becoming distant, wanting time alone, spending too much time on his phone, angry all the time and pushing me away.  I blamed his job; working nights was taking its toll on him but I was using that as an excuse for his mood changes. When he was putting in lots of extra hours I didn't question whether or not he was actually at work, nor did I verify it by looking at his pay-stubs.When he would receive a phone call I didn't ask who was on the other end. I just let him have his privacy, even though I knew he wasn't one to be on the phone all the time. How could I be so stupid?

The second thing I had to work on was to stop being afraid to ask questions and settling for silence in return. When he would answer me he would give me short answers or get mad at me for accusing him of doing something wrong. I've never had a problem sharing what I was thinking or asking tough questions. However, when it came to the faithfulness of my husband I beat around the bush. I knew in my heart what the answers were but I didn't want to hear the truth. So I settled for lies and half-truths. How could I be so stupid?

Listening to my gut instincts was the hardest to work on over anything else. I have heard people say that their gut is never wrong, I would think “yeah right, you’re crazy!” I was clearly ignoring mine, and it was telling me everything I already knew. I wanted to believe that the feelings I was having were just in my head. When I would ask my husband about his whereabouts, his faithfulness or his actions my mind was saying “believe him” but my gut was saying “something doesn't seem right.” Instead of demanding the truth I let my heart take over and believe what he was saying, even though I knew it was wrong. How could I be so stupid?

It took courage and strength to stop being so stupid and demand answers. Honest answers!! I didn't want to face the truth, because if I did that would mean I would have to make some tough choices. It took me some time to convince myself that although I loved him I deserved enough respect to be told the truth. I deserved to know where he was spending his time, who was spending it with and why he was being unfaithful. I am no longer stupid! 

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is a time for loved ones to come together and give thanks for their many blessings.

This year for me it means so much more. As I look back, I see the many blessings God has provided for me and my family. We may not have a perfect life but we do have each other. That means more to me than anything else.

My husband and I have been through so much and yet we still try and remain strong. Of course at times we have our moments of fear, doubt and uncertainty that our marriage will survive. However, we take each day one at a time. We remind ourselves and each other why we are together. The love that bonds us is what helps us remain solid. Giving in for me was never an option, I tried and failed miserably. I can honestly say that today I am stronger than I was then. I know I can and will survive anything that comes my way.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that I will continue to be a stronger person. Not just for myself, but for my children and my husband.

I quite often question whether or not this is what God has planned for me. I take comfort in knowing that He will be holding my hand should things not turn out the way I want them to. That is very tough to swallow, what I want may not be what HE wants. I'm putting my trust in Him and will continue to do so through this entire process.

I know that many may not agree, condone, support or understand why I choose to live this life and I am OK with that. I am not looking for acceptance, approval or sympathy from anyone.   

I chose to start this blog for me! A way for me to share my story, no matter how dark it may get. We all have our stories, and I feel in my heart that God put me through this so that I may be able help others that are going through something similar. I did not choose to share my story to be critized or judged. I've had enough of that from some already. Until you have walked a day in my shoes you can not begin to understand what I have been through.

The pain I have felt is real and opening that door for others to see is scary. I knew from the beginning that I was going to open many doors I have tried to nail shut and it wasn't going to be easy to relive. I also knew that by doing so I was exposing not just my story, but my husbands also. I have been fighting the decision to share this publicly but have decided to follow my heart and take a risk.

Some days are harder than others but I look back and see how far I have come. Healing from such pain isn't an overnight process, it takes time and lots of hard work. Above all, it takes faith!

The Perfect Marriage

"I bet their house is NEVER this dirty." "He probably doesn't yell at his wife." "I wish our marriage was as wonderful as So and So's." "Why can't you do nice things for me, her husband does those things for her?" 

It's natural to compare ourselves to others. We compare our looks, careers, marriages and spouses to those around us or on television. We only see what a person is like on the surface and it causes us to have higher expectations for ourselves and our marriage. 

Nothing and no one is perfect! When we try to measure up to what we believe someone else has or does we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment. 

The truth is: your house will never be as spotless as your neighbors, your husband will never be as romantic as the man on the soaps, your marriage will never be 100% perfect. 

Why?? Because there is no such thing as "perfect". When we stop comparing ourselves, our spouses, our children, our marriage and our lives to those around us we can see that everyone is the same in some form or another. 

No one is going to have it all together. We all have our faults and we all have "stuff" that we go through. Those that live a lavish lifestyle also worry about the amount of money they have in the bank. How do we know that the couple that seems so in love almost divorced and have found their way back? Every couple argues and says things they regret at some point or another. In my opinion, those who say they have a perfect marriage are suffering more than those that expose it for others to see. 

My parents had one of those "perfect" marriages when others were around. Behind closed doors it was a different story, they had dark secrets just like any other couple. My father was abusive towards my mother yet he held his temper when anyone was watching. When they were around family or friends they were the most loving and caring couple you would ever see. We show people only what we want them to see.  

Things aren't always as they seem. Stop comparing your life to that of others, you never know what they are hiding when no one is around. 

Beauty and the Wife

I want to be a princess!

Instead, I married one. Hence the blog name "Beauty and the Wife." Sometime between falling in love and now, I found his "princess" qualities down right annoying. What man needs his own hair dryer, full length mirror and separate closets for each style of clothing he owns? While I appreciate him wanting to look nice all the time it does get old when I'm the one having to wait for him to finish getting ready so we can leave the house. 

I'm pretty sure I could learn something from him. While I am comfortable in yoga pants and a big comfy t-shirt I do try and look decent when he comes home from work. Putting on a little make up or at least running a brush through my hair makes all the difference in the world.

When you've been with someone for some time you tend to get too comfortable. In the beginning you make sure your makeup is done, hair smoothed down and your clothing matches. There are some days I pass a mirror and think "oh my, did I look like THAT all day?" My husband is so sweet because instead of saying "hey slob, how was your day?" he says "you're naturally beautiful." I wasn't born yesterday, I can read between the lines. :)

Dress up ladies!! Put a little makeup on, brush that hair, and throw on a pair of jeans and a nicer top than the big comfy t-shirt. Make it a daily habit, not just for him but for the princess in you.

I know they say beauty is on the inside but come on....who wants to walk in the door and see a disheveled mess every day? Trust me when I say, if he doesn't have someone that takes the time to look her best he WILL notice the ones that do! I am a stay at home mom and looking pretty to do laundry sometimes seems ridiculous but I know when my husband walks through the door he will get a glimpse of the girl he was attracted to years ago. 

Know Your Strength

Can your marriage survive the devastation of an affair? More importantly, can YOU survive after such horrible betrayal?

Unless you have been in the shoes of a woman that has been cheated on by her husband you can not begin to imagine what she is going through. The pain is unbearable. 

You feel abandoned, rejected, humiliated, unworthy, and unloved. "Am I that horrible of a wife?" "Am I that unattractive?" "What does she offer him that I don't?" 

Those are questions that haunt you day after day. Any free moment you have you are consumed with the "what ifs."

"What if I had been more intimate with him?" "What if I had made myself prettier when he came home each day?" "What if I paid more attention to him?" 

If you are going through this right now I have one thing to say to you...STOP!! 

It took me a long time to learn that while I played some part in his unhappiness I am not the one that caused him to cheat. He chose to break our wedding vows and seek whatever he thought was missing through someone else. I knew that if I wanted to find peace I would have to stop blaming myself, it was time to bury the "what ifs."

The purpose of me starting this blog was to share my story and how I dealt with and still am dealing with feelings infidelity brought to my marriage. 

If you are going through this believe that you will survive! Whether you choose to stay with your spouse or not, you will have good days and bad days. Take each day as it is and embrace the strength within yourself. 

The first step is to stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault! 

Talk to me, not at me

I remember the day my husband proposed to me, it was one of the best days of my life. For a girl just out of high school it was wonderful to think that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with ME! Do you remember those feelings? The butterflies in your stomach every time he brushed up against your arm, or the burst of energy you felt when he would call you and invite you to dinner or a movie. I was so naive, I believed that those wonderful, giddy feelings would never disappear. Then life happened...

You know...that thing that gets in the way of being that fun spontaneous couple. That couple that couldn't keep their hands off of each other. The couple that thinks everything the other does is just so darn cute.

Ahh...those were the good old days!!

We get so caught up with life that we forget what brought us together. I know I am guilty of losing sight of why I fell in love with this wonderful blue eyed guy that I call husband. We started our marriage young and in love, we bought a house and then had a child. Years later we added two more additions to our family and the time we once made for each other seemed to slowly vanish. If you have children you know exactly what I am talking about. Conversations that were once about your hopes and dreams are now about bills and what activities your children have for the week.
We spend less time getting to know our spouse, because let's face it...after years of marriage is there really anything you don't already know about them? YES!!



Believe it or not there is so much you can still learn about each other. As the years go by we all change in some way or another. Our outlook on life can change, circumstances can cause us to see things differently than we once did. Just simply asking "hi honey, how was your day?" can teach you something you may not know. Take the time to listen and ask questions, get to know your spouse, your friend, your companion. One day your children will be grown and you'll become empty nesters...and then what?

It amazes me that we have no problem talking to strangers, yet we sit in silence across the table from our husbands or wives. Instead of nagging about what they aren't doing we should open our mouths and minds to what they ARE doing for us.

Talk to one another, not at one another!