Every Scar Has A Story

We all have scars, some more than others and each one tells a different story. Let yours be a constant remembrance of what you've overcome. 

I know it sounds horrible, but I don't want anyone to "pity" me or my situation. I don't like the thought of someone feeling sorry for me. I shrink on the inside when I hear the words "I'm sorry this happened to you".

I appreciate it very much, I really do. I know it's said with compassion, and it's a person's way of telling me they care about me. However, when I hear those words it makes me feel as if I am a victim, as if they feel sorry for me. Maybe it's the attention I don't like, the fact that I don't want to burden others when I have "bad" days or the history of my drama filled life.

What I hear is "You poor, poor woman, your life must be so miserable." I'm sure that's not what they mean at all (at least not the majority who say it) but I often feel the need to defend myself and my marriage. 

The truth is...my life is not bad at all. Yes, our marriage has suffered a great deal in the past and it has taken years to rebuild but we are making it. We still continue to do so and each day that passes is another day proven that we made the right decision to work on and save our marriage. 

I have overcome so many obsticles in these past few years. Yes, YEARS! Surviving infedility isn't an overnight healing process. I take each day, obsticle and moment as a blessing. I am proud of how far I have come and each time I am knocked down I get back up. It may take a while but I do it! I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel that if I do others will also. My scars are my story, my reminder that I am alive and I can overcome anything that comes my way. Those scars are what have made me who I am today. I have survived everything life has dealt me from a very young age and I don't intend to give up now. 

Living In A Mental Funk

If you've been following me I'm sure you've noticed how I have been sort of quiet lately. The truth is, I've been having a hard time lately and I have been in a mental funk. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I am so mad at myself for it. I have absolutely no reason for it but I just can't stop what goes through my head. Oh how I wish I could erase my memory of all of this to keep my mind from reminding my heart of what it has been through.

I have had no reason at all to doubt my husband's faithfulness yet I can't stop worrying and remembering. The constant questioning of whether he's happy, if he loves me, and will he leave? For some reason I cannot let myself just be happy and enjoy things the way they are. When I start to feel safe, secure and happy I pull back and quietly let myself go back to my little corner and sulk. How do I keep from doing that? Why do I do that? Why am I so afraid to be happy? 

I am still mentally living in the past from time to time and I know it's not healthy. I let my mind take over and before I know it I am reliving everything I have been through. The best way I know to describe it is waking from a horrible nightmare only to close my eyes and go right back to where I left off. The pain I have let go in the past is back and very fresh at this moment. The details of it all are being replayed over and over in my head and oh the heartache is ever present again. 

I know this will pass, and I can only wonder if it is all happening again because I have poured my heart and soul into my writing. It has helped me in so many ways but it has also opened so many wounds. I haven't felt this in a very long time and I wanted to share it with those reading this. Especially to the ones that can relate to my story, you know better than anyone else how it feels to take one step forward and two steps back. Hang in there and stay positive, this does get easier. I know that one statement makes no sense seeing how I just explained the funk I have been in but it is temporary. WE will get through this, and we will be rewarded for our pain one day. At least that's what I choose to believe. Keep your head up, smile through the tears and be strong because you are not alone!!