Let It Be

We made it. OUR MARRIAGE IS 100% HEALED!! Kind of....

Ok, maybe we're still a work in progress. I'm pretty sure we'll always be a work in progress, but we are so much further than we were just a couple of years ago. This past year has been a true test of our faith, love and patience. Not because we are struggling, but because our lives have completely flipped and changed. We have built a new and solid relationship with each other this year and learned so much about ourselves and each other. We're strong, our children are happy and we are all exactly where we are meant to be. 

Y'all....my life is pretty darn great right now! During my quiet time I often sit there and tell myself..."you deserve this...you worked your ass off for this...ENJOY IT!!" It's true, I worked so hard to find my happiness...to find myself and to love myself again. To find my peace again. I was so mad for so long, I felt that as the wife and mother I had failed them. And bad. I felt for too long that I was supposed to be the glue that held it all together, that's what women do, right? Mommy is supposed to know how to fix everything, wives are supposed to know what to do when things are falling apart. As women we feel pressured to have it all together and guess what...we don't, and that's ok! I was so fixated on making everything right that I failed miserably. I was my own worse enemy. For every step I took forward I was knocked back 10 more.  

I didn't know how to fix anything. I tried and I fought myself and my husband to make our lives "normal" again. I finally decided it was time to stop fighting and just let it be. I had to take a step back and let life happen. That's what I have done over the past year and a half...I've just let life be! It feels great!! I/WE have found our happiness again. I'm not scared of the unknown anymore...in fact, I am excited for it. I can't wait to see all that God has in store for me, and I am not afraid to say that whatever blessings He hands me I deserve! But oh my, He has already done so much for me...I'd rather He help someone else find their deserved happiness because it's such a wonder feeling of comfort after a torrential storm.

I want to encourage anyone reading this to be patient. I waited so long to feel like a normal person again. There were moments I was ready to give up the fight. Times I opened the door for my husband to leave and secretly hoping he would just so I wouldn't have to hurt anymore, but he never completely left. If he did it was just for a short time, then he would come back only to repeat it time after time. When you live your life not knowing if you'll have stability from one day to the next it takes a toll on you. It causes you to become more angry at yourself rather than the one hurting you...because you allow it to happen. I can't speak for my husband but the one thing that kept me going was the hope that I would find my love again. And this year he has proven so much to me, I was too focused on myself that I was somewhat blind to the strong man he was molding himself into. He was quietly working on himself and I almost didn't see it. It's things like that that make me happy I hung on for dear life for the scariest ride of my life. Of course I wish I had never gotten on that roller coaster, but now I'm glad I was courageous enough to not let go. 

5 Steps to a Perfect Marriage

Step #1....Ignore the title because there are no steps! 

There is nothing you can do to make your marriage perfect. You can make it bearable, but not perfect. You may even find happiness the majority of the time if you're lucky.

The truth is...your spouse is going to make you mad. They're going to make you yell, cry, and question why the heck you even married them in the first place. There will be occasions you will talk until you're blue in the face and it will do absolutely no good!! They call that "nagging". You'll learn to compromise on certain things and you'll also find that there are times you won't see eye to eye. And oh my gosh will they annoy you! Guess what.....THAT'S OK!!

Those "ugly" moments in your marriage are what give it life. Sure, it would be nice if everything we said and suggested was agreed upon. I personally would love if my husband never raised his voice at me or didn't come back at me with the same harsh tone I used on him. It would be great if every time I asked him for something he responded by jumping up immediately and did what I wanted. Unfortunately, it takes several requests and a few of my wifely death stares as I walk away mumbling to myself to get him to even notice I'm not happy. He then huffs and puffs and says something I can never quite make out, but I'm sure it's not "yes, Dear...anything you say, Dear." There are times I want to smack him and say "listen buddy...I'm right, you're wrong." When I do muster up the guts to let him have it I find myself in a lose, lose situation. He gets mad, I get mad and we end up wasting time. The really sad part is that I usually forget why I was even mad in the first place. 

That's what a marriage is...it's give and take. It isn't meant to be easy and it sure as hell isn't for the timid. You learn that there are times you must pick your battles, because if you don't you will always end up as the unhappy one. While you're sitting there fuming on the inside your spouse probably has no clue what they did or why you're even mad.They're only thinking "great, what's wrong now? Hopefully it doesn't last long!" If they're like my husband, they'll refrain from asking, because let's be honest...who WANTS to open up a can of worms?!? ME!!! That's who. I ask. I would rather deal with the havoc from figuring out what's wrong as opposed to ignoring the issue at hand. Sure, it may lead to something ugly but I figure I either go big or go home. It's called communication. And I'm learning that it's a necessary survival skill in my marriage. 

Maybe there is such a thing as a perfect marriage...I've yet to discover it. It's probably my husband's fault. ;) We choose to live a life of loud words, deep stares (and not the ones that melt your heart...I mean the ones that can melt your soul), and it works for us. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. We balance each other out and while there are times I wish he and I could be like those celebrity couples that live the perfect life I am grateful that we aren't. Our relationship is real, we laugh, yell, ignore, and love with every ounce within our heart. Through our madness we have learned to communicate in a healthy way and it's made us focus more on how we should come together to fix an issue instead of brushing it under the rug so we don't upset each one another. 

It's a learning process, for us it's been a 15 year lesson....some would say that we are slow learners, but I choose to believe that we are perfecting our skills. I try to remember 3 simple words when I'm at my wits end with my darling husband...STOP, LISTEN, RESPOND. I had those reversed for a loooong time and the aftermath was never what I expected or wanted. I'm still learning to catch myself when I get the order wrong, but it isn't as often anymore. I'm glad I still mess up every now and then, it keeps the marriage alive and less storybook. 

If I leave you with anything today, let it be this....you're going to raise your voice, get unhappy with each other and you may even have nasty thoughts about your spouse. Don't let those ugly moments keep you from enjoying time with your spouse. Choose to stop, listen and respond. Before you know it the storm will have passed and no time wasted. 

15 Years Ago

Fifteen years ago today I stood in front of the man that stole my heart and I became his wife. I remember being scared, excited and oh so loved. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world and 15 years later, in spite of our trials I still feel that way.

The day I accepted his proposal I had no idea what I would have to endure years later. I didn't know that our life would go from being picture perfect to broken and almost beyond repair. It seems unbelievable now that we are still married, and that we actually love one another again. I honestly didn't think we would make it this far, and as much as I hoped to be that couple we were on our wedding day I never truly thought it was possible.

We aren't the same two people we were on our wedding day. We are stronger and have learned to appreciate life, love, and each other more than ever before. Infidelity has taught me that I am strong, patient, how to have hope and how to love unconditionally. I have learned so much about my marriage, my husband and myself from our experiences. When I was ready to join my husband in giving up on my marriage he took the initiative to step up and make things right after all the destruction he placed in our lives. When I was weak, he became the strong one. When our marriage was broken and our love almost non-existent we both shifted our focus on our family and on each other. We have both grown tremendously and it amazes me that we are in this wonderful happy place again.

I understand how delicate and precious life is. I have learned to appreciate what life has thrown at me. If it had not been so hard I would not have known just how strong I can be. I would not have known how to truly be grateful for the life I am living today.

I thank God for bringing us back together. Our paths crossed 17 years ago and life has never been the same. Through all of the heartache we survived, and while I try not to dwell any longer on what has happened, I try to remember that I am right where I want to be. I love my husband and the life we continue to build...together, as husband and wife! I want our story to be an inspiration to those that are learning to love again. Anything is possible!

Happy Anniversary, my love!

Love Won

If you live under a rock you probably haven't heard yet, but anyone can now get married. It doesn't matter if it's a man and woman, woman and woman, or man and man...anyone in love can now be united in marriage. It's been a huge debate for years and something that people have fought for, whether it's for or against. Sadly it has also brought out the ugly in so many people. Christians argue that it goes against what God says and if you open the bible it clearly states that marriage should be between a man and woman.

As a Christian I believe in what God says, HOWEVER as an American in 2015 I feel that if two people love each other they should be able to be together without being bashed or hated. As a Christian I also believe that we should love our neighbor and not judge someone for living their life differently than we live ours. We are all sinners, we all have a right to feel how we want and we are not obligated to agree on anything. We should feel that we can stand up for our beliefs and be respected at the same time. 

I am a married woman and my husband is my best friend. He is the one I share my deepest darkest secrets, someone I lay beside every night while a feeling of comfort and security embrace me as he holds me in his arms. He is the person I love and couldn't imagine spending my life without him. I couldn't imagine not having him as my husband and I sure as hell couldn't fathom the thought of someone telling me we could not be together. 

As a mother and I want my children to find that one person that makes their life complete; which is why I have had to take a step back and choose whether I actually support same sex marriage or not. Because I am a Christian I feel I should be against it, but because I am open minded I can't not support it. I asked myself a very important question..."What if you are against it, and I mean really against it and one of your children comes to you and says they are gay?" Well that was a no brainer for me. I am going to love and support my child, I will not risk losing my relationship with them because of who they choose to love. I will not judge, ridicule or belittle them for choosing to love someone that makes them feel safe and secure. 

I will do the same with others also. I am not personally affected by their decision and I was raised to respect EVERYONE!! I log on to Facebook and I see people I know standing up for what they believe and I admire their passion. What I don't admire is how they voice their opinions and beliefs. There is so much hate towards those who support and those that do not. Since when is it ok to disrespect one another?! 

I don't care if you are a Christian or not...you should respect everyone, you don't have to agree but you know what...sometimes you have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to feel exactly like you. And I'm sorry, but if you believe in God I am going to be more disappointed in you for your behavior. You, of all people know that we should not judge, we are all sinners, and we are to love everyone just as God loves us. You can disagree with same sex marriages all you want, that is your choice, but please do so with respect for the feelings of others. You can stand proud in your beliefs AND show God's love to others without a hateful heart. 

The same goes for non-believers. It isn't just Christians that are so passionate about standing up for what they believe, and equally they aren't the only ones that can be hurtful and hateful. It doesn't matter who you come across, what you feel is right or wrong...what does matter is that we ALL respect one another as humans. This world has enough hate in it, why add to it over something that doesn't affect you personally? If someone wants to get married, let them, support their right to love whomever they choose and go on about your business while they go on with theirs. If I am wrong in supporting this than I will be the one to stand before God and answer to my choices. I think this world needs more love and less hate, more respect and an end to the need to bring someone down because they aren't you.

 Remember the saying your mother taught you...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!! 

The Ugly Four Letter Word

You lying, cheating, no good son of a goat!! I've thought that many times about my husband. Especially on those days that I just can't seem to forget about the excruciating pain in my heart. Why did he do it? What went through his mind while he was flirting, talking, hugging, kissing and doing much worse to someone other than me, his wife?!! Did he think he wouldn't get caught? Did he want to get caught because he was a coward that couldn't come out and say he was finished in our marriage? 

Yeah, that's exactly what went through his mind. He wanted me to push him away but I wasn't strong enough to do that. So for a very long time he played this game of coming and going, I was his yo-yo and like an idiot in love I let him bounce me back and forth. Not once did I think to myself that he actually wanted me to be the one to call it quits because he was a weak S.O.B. They say love is blind but in reality it can be very stupid. Or at least make you very stupid, and boy was I proving that to be right. 

I just can't understand how we can hurt the ones we love. Yes...we! I guess we just figure that if they love us they will be willing to put up with whatever we throw at them. Sadly, we treat most strangers better than we do our loved ones. They see the sweet, calm, and understanding side of us and we save all the nastiness we have for the ones we know will always be there for us. It's sad and it's unfair. 

I was getting the moody, secretive, dishonest, selfish side of my husband and someone else was getting the sweet, happy liar. That just wasn't fair!! What did I do to get the ugly side of him? Oh yeah, I was just the "wife"...the one who loved him and treated him well. He was having his cake and eating it too, and I was there like a moron greeting him with open arms thinking "he's home and he isn't going to leave me again." I would hear "I'm sorry, I love you, I do want to be with you, trust me!" Like a fool I would give in and brush it all under the rug. 

There are times, like writing this post that I think back and wonder how and why I put up with all that I did. Why didn't I just walk away...oh yeah, it's because of that ugly four letter word...L.O.V.E. Now I look back and see that I wasn't the fool or the moron...he was. I finally learned that love sometimes just isn't enough. It doesn't prevent bad things from happening, it kind of adds to them. It makes us do stupid things, it makes us vulnerable and we can become lost wishing for what we want that we ignore what is going on right under our nose. The good and the bad. 

I'm sometimes amazed that I still believe in love but when I sit and think about it all, the unforgettable memories outweigh the pain and sorrow of the past. I will continue to love with my whole heart because that is just who I am. 

Don't Give In

Temptation exists all around us. Start a new diet and you're bound to run into someone's birthday cake. Come into some extra money and an add pops up for something you just can't live without. Do something different with your appearance and suddenly gain compliments and advances from those who usually stroll right past you. Fighting the urge to say "no" becomes so difficult, especially because you know if you give in you are going to feel guilty...even if it makes you happy at the moment.

My husband is one that clearly has had problems resisting temptation. They say that the best way to avoid temptation is to steer clear of people, places and things that tempt you. Sometimes that's easier said than done. Finding the strength to look past it is a must, otherwise you may eventually give in. It starts out as a small thought and then it's as though you become obsessed with the thought of it. Nip it in the bud, distance yourself and do whatever you have to while it's still a thought. Once you give in, even just a little, you lose control and it's no longer something you can fight. 

Remember the long term consequences if you give in...I'm sure my husband thought "this won't happen again, I can end it as quickly as I started." Well, that wasn't the case, one little "hello" turned into a full blown affair that resulted in our marriage being destroyed. If he had thought of the effect it would have on our lives maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to resist temptation knocking at his door. I could play the "what if" game all day but it won't change anything, so I won't go there. Think of your spouse, your children, everyone involved, and yourself...DON'T GIVE IN!! 

At some point in our lives we are bound to be tempted to do, see, or say something. It's natural to be tempted and it's human nature to be weak but it is our responsibility to resist that temptation.

How We Became US...

I spend a lot of time sharing the ugly side of my marriage; I thought I would share some history of our lives. The better side of things. =)

Aaron and I met seventeen years ago, I worked for his mother and I had the typical school girl crush. So you could imagine how giddy I was when he asked me out on our first date. I was so nervous and as we approached the car he opened the door for me, I remember thinking "I could get use to this." What a great start to the evening, and it made me fall for him even harder. He was so respectful and just a great person to get to know.

Our relationship moved very quickly, we spent every possible day together. During the workday he would come by and visit, bring me roses and just stay close by my side. We had a great relationship, always happy and we grew closer as each day passed. There wasn't much that we didn't agree on. We spoke about the future and how we each wanted to raise our children. Our future goals and how what we expected from our spouses if we ever married. We dated for a year and then he asked me to marry him. Our wedding was absolutely perfect! Not because it was big and fancy, but because I could feel the love this man had for me. 

After marriage we became closer and closer, we were inseparable and untouchable. The love we shared was strong and over time we welcomed three precious little lives into our world. Life was picture perfect. We created some wonderful memories and there isn't a time I look back and think "I wish that never happened." We were truly happy and in love. I never once doubted his love for me and I tried to be the best wife to him. I know that over the years I have made some mistakes. I've neglected him at certain times but I have always done my best to make him happy. 

Marrying young was a challenge; we were both growing as individuals and as a couple. Throwing children in the mix was just another added challenge. After our daughter was born our lives seemed to flip upside down. She was a blessing, and even before her birth we knew she would face certain health issues but nothing she couldn't overcome. Shortly after she was born he started working nights and once again our lives were jumbled. Before the added stress of a sick child and insane work schedule we always seemed to remain close and make things work. We weren't use to dealing with major struggles and sadly, we failed at it. 

In the past we were a team and we took pride in our relationship. I think that's why I have such a hard time wrapping my head around why we are even here. I've often wondered how we could go from being the "perfect" couple to being broken and at times complete strangers. Do we love each other? Absolutely! Can we get through it all? No doubt! Somewhere along the way we lost each other and there are times I wish we could go back and rewrite our history. Erase the weaknesses and build that wall just a little bit higher to keep others from knocking it down. I wish we could have learned to communicate better and know that during those trying times we needed to remain solid for our family. 

Sadly, we can't go back and change things. All we can do is reach into our hearts and pull that strong, loving couple back to the surface. We are doing great these days, he and I are happy and keep reminding each other why we fell in love so long ago. After all that we have been through I have no doubt that we can overcome any obstacle we may face in the future. We have grown and learned from our mistakes, we are back to protecting our marriage as we did when we first exchanged our vows. Certain aspects of our relationship will never be the same but our love is one that remains everlasting.