Let It Be

We made it. OUR MARRIAGE IS 100% HEALED!! Kind of....

Ok, maybe we're still a work in progress. I'm pretty sure we'll always be a work in progress, but we are so much further than we were just a couple of years ago. This past year has been a true test of our faith, love and patience. Not because we are struggling, but because our lives have completely flipped and changed. We have built a new and solid relationship with each other this year and learned so much about ourselves and each other. We're strong, our children are happy and we are all exactly where we are meant to be. 

Y'all....my life is pretty darn great right now! During my quiet time I often sit there and tell myself..."you deserve this...you worked your ass off for this...ENJOY IT!!" It's true, I worked so hard to find my happiness...to find myself and to love myself again. To find my peace again. I was so mad for so long, I felt that as the wife and mother I had failed them. And bad. I felt for too long that I was supposed to be the glue that held it all together, that's what women do, right? Mommy is supposed to know how to fix everything, wives are supposed to know what to do when things are falling apart. As women we feel pressured to have it all together and guess what...we don't, and that's ok! I was so fixated on making everything right that I failed miserably. I was my own worse enemy. For every step I took forward I was knocked back 10 more.  

I didn't know how to fix anything. I tried and I fought myself and my husband to make our lives "normal" again. I finally decided it was time to stop fighting and just let it be. I had to take a step back and let life happen. That's what I have done over the past year and a half...I've just let life be! It feels great!! I/WE have found our happiness again. I'm not scared of the unknown anymore...in fact, I am excited for it. I can't wait to see all that God has in store for me, and I am not afraid to say that whatever blessings He hands me I deserve! But oh my, He has already done so much for me...I'd rather He help someone else find their deserved happiness because it's such a wonder feeling of comfort after a torrential storm.

I want to encourage anyone reading this to be patient. I waited so long to feel like a normal person again. There were moments I was ready to give up the fight. Times I opened the door for my husband to leave and secretly hoping he would just so I wouldn't have to hurt anymore, but he never completely left. If he did it was just for a short time, then he would come back only to repeat it time after time. When you live your life not knowing if you'll have stability from one day to the next it takes a toll on you. It causes you to become more angry at yourself rather than the one hurting you...because you allow it to happen. I can't speak for my husband but the one thing that kept me going was the hope that I would find my love again. And this year he has proven so much to me, I was too focused on myself that I was somewhat blind to the strong man he was molding himself into. He was quietly working on himself and I almost didn't see it. It's things like that that make me happy I hung on for dear life for the scariest ride of my life. Of course I wish I had never gotten on that roller coaster, but now I'm glad I was courageous enough to not let go. 

3 Mistakes Keeping You From Healing

We all handle stress differently, dealing with infidelity can take its toll on the betrayed physically, mentally and emotionally. For some it's anger, denial, seclusion, or becoming someone you have never been...good or bad. I've pointed out 3 of the biggest mistakes we make to keep us from healing and moving forward. 

1. Coping In Unproductive Ways: 
All we want is the life we once had, a rewind button. As the pain sets in we find ways to numb that pain. Whether our escape is alcohol, sleep, drugs or shutting the world out. At the time we fail to consider the consequences of our choices, all we know is that for a short moment we aren't hurting anymore. We aren't sitting and thinking about our situation or how much it hurts, it's a nice temporary escape, until we wake from our numbness and face facts once again. That's exactly what it is though, a short escape from reality and while it may be a nice break it can come with some life changing and long term effects. In reality, it's not worth it. We must find productive ways to cope because when that temporary fix is gone our problems will still be there. 

2. Obsessing Over Why They Cheated: 
Oh, that's a huge mistake I made. I spent more time trying to figure out the "why" than thinking about the "what now". It's an answer that you sometimes never fully get, an answer that changes each time it's asked as you dig deeper into the healing process. If we spend our time focusing on that one question we take a downward spiral that leads to a horrible pity party. We get to a point where everything in our life, including ourselves, is anything but perfect. It's not even worthy enough for them, that's why they strayed from the marriage right? WRONG!! They strayed because they are weak and were on a quest to find something that didn't exist! They cheated because they thought they could get away with it, and there is nothing you could have done differently to keep them from destroying everything. Don't focus too much on the why...instead, focus on healing and moving forward. 

3. Unreasonable Expectations About Time: 
Healing from infidelity does not have an end date!! There is no time frame and no matter what, you cannot rush the process. Especially if your spouse is saying "you need to let it go." They may have been able to move on from what they did, they'll do anything to forget what they caused. The longer it takes you to move on the more they are reminded of everything they did wrong. No one likes to have a constant reminder of their mistakes or bad choices. To that I say...Oh well! They caused your pain and they need to understand that you need time to heal. As times goes by you will notice the time spent not thinking about the affair...that will be a bittersweet day, or it was for me at least. I was happy because I realized I didn't have that dark cloud over me but I was a little afraid that I had just learned to ignore my problems. That wasn't the case...I was healing and once I realized that I was no longer afraid. It's taken me years to be where I am and as much as I wish it would have been an overnight process I am grateful it wasn't. I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much through this process. 

Healing takes time, I wish I could tell others how long it will take them to get through this, but unfortunately it's different for everyone. Some heal quickly while the rest of us require more time. Either way, there is light at the end of the tunnel...you can't see it, but know that it is there. 

It's Time...

Has there ever been something that weighs so heavily on your heart that you just can't ignore it, no matter how much you try? In fact, the harder you do try to push it aside the heavier it gets. I've been battling with forgiveness for a very long time now and ignoring it doesn't seem to be working. The Christian in me keeps saying "That's God talking to you, stupid!!" while the woman I've been coddling and trying so hard to protect is saying "Don't forget the pain you've endured from these people, why should you forgive them?"

Do I want to forgive?? No!! Why should I forgive someone who is guilty of hurting me, whether it be by their words or their actions? What gives them the right to say or do something that is so hurtful and selfish, something that not only affected me, but also my children? I feel that if I forgive these individuals I am giving them the satisfaction of being able to move on and think "Oh good, she forgave me...all is well in the world."

I've wrestled with questions as to whether I have actually forgiven my husband long ago. Is that what this is all about? Is God saying that I haven't actually forgiven this man? No...He's not telling me it's my husband I should forgive. I've already done that, and I know in my heart exactly who he is talking about. I know who I am to forgive and more importantly why I should. I need to forgive the people that have spit their nasty words out at me. I need to forgive the disgusting being that so openly welcomed a married man, MY husband, into her arms and her bed. I need to forgive those that have hurt me in any way, shape or form in the past. As much as I don't want to, I know that I have to...not for them, not so that they can have a clear conscience for their actions. I have to do this for ME!! For my peace, for me to be able to completely let go of anger, hate and this heavy weight deep within me.

Am I saying that once I forgive them I will want them back in my life...absolutely not! I'm not stupid, but I am ready to release the animosity I feel in my heart. I'm ready to know that if I ever cross paths with any of them I can accept who they truly are and what they are capable of. I can look at them and not want to wring their necks but instead hold my head high and show myself that I am better than that.

I've spent too long giving my thoughts to people that do not deserve a fraction of myself. They have shown me the type of person I never want to be and that sometimes when a person is damaged themselves they have no problem hurting others. It's easy for me to say that those who hurt others are cruel, selfish and horrible human beings but in all honesty I know they are not. At some point they were a part of my life, family I loved, friends I enjoyed, acquaintances and strangers I may have been cordial to and wanted to get to know better if they had not betrayed me in some way. Unfortunately, I saw the ugly side of those people and they have taught me that I no longer have time nor want anyone that doesn't display love and respect for me or my family in my life. 

A sad part of being hurt is learning to forgive even when you have not and will never receive a sincere apology from the one that hurt you. Some people are not capable of swallowing their pride and accepting responsibility for their wrong doings. I do believe that the guilt will eventually eat at them and maybe, just maybe they will step up one day and try to right their wrongs. If we sit and wait for the day we hear "I'm sorry" we may be in waiting for the rest of our lives. We must find a way to forgive so that we ourselves can finally have peace. 

I've decided that it's time I forgive and release all that weighs so heavy on my heart. I know I will still have days that I cringe at the thought of those who pained me, but I am choosing to believe that by me forgiving them I am no longer allowing them to have control over me. It's taken me a very long time to accept that this is the next step of my healing process. In order to continue to grow it's time for me to forgive and let go.  

What Keeps Us Together?

I spend a lot of time observing relationships of those around me. Some might call it "stalking" but I call it necessary "research." ;)

If you hop on any social media outlet you see the good, bad, and sometimes ugly sides of relationships. Whether they are just dating, married, or divorced. Some air out their dirty laundry for anyone and everyone to see, while others keep quiet and only pop their heads out when something wonderful or unexpected happens. I am one who likes to keep the relationship private. I know what you're thinking..."You sure do air it all out on your blog though!!" Yes, I do. But that's different!! =)

My heart smiles when I see a couple that has been married for several years and they still like each other!! They give me hope that with determination and an abundance of love you can survive anything together. Those are the couples that we should all pay close attention to. I'm sure they have had their share of issues, just like any other couple. I like to listen to how they communicate, watch how affectionate they are and I just love to hear how much they have grown over the years as one. They are a true testament of what marriage is all about. 

Then there are the young couples, you know which one's I'm talking about. The one's that can't keep their hands off each other, how they smile through their eyes when their partner walks into the room. I envy those at times because I'll be honest...I've been married almost 15 years and the "honeymoon" phase is long gone at times. We are still affectionate towards one another, but the "lust" isn't always there. The moments it is we respectfully keep it private for when we are alone, because after all...some things are meant to stay behind closed doors and not on display for everyone to see. 

Lastly, there are the couples that are waaaay too comfortable with each other. They no longer feel the need to give their spouse compliments, affection, and at times respect. They've become stuck in the day to day life of marriage. Instead of healthy communication they talk at each other, not to each other. They expect their significant other to read their mind and sadly, gratitude and respect for one another is almost non-existent. The love may still there, but it isn't shown very often. Those couples have lost focus on why they fell in love in the first place. I may be wrong for saying this, but those are the couples that may be in the path of disaster. 

We were that couple for a very long time. Life got in the way and we just found ourselves going through the motions of parenthood, work, finances and everyday life. Healthy communication was far and in between and it was more talking about what we didn't agree on or what we weren't getting from one another. We ignored major problems we were having. After so long of not appreciating each other, no longer showing our desire for one another and making excuses for not making time for US, we strayed from each other. Ultimately our lack of care for our marriage caused the door to open for someone to easily step in between us. By the time we realized we had a major problem it was too late. 

Fast forward to now....

We make our marriage and one another a top priority again; we openly share our feelings as opposed to keeping them hidden. More importantly...we remain focused on one another and remind ourselves that when we don't do these things, we lose the bond we share. We strive to show our children and each other that the love is there and while we may not always agree on everything, we communicate and compromise. Sometimes we agree to disagree and that's ok. It took years of screaming at each other to get our point across before we learned that none of that was necessary or healthy. We now make time for one another and we embrace the fact that we survived something so horrific in our marriage. And we did it together! 

I think every couple has different seasons in their lives, some repeating quite often. We all struggle and we all sometimes lose sight of what brought us together. But we cannot forget that it is love, respect, and everything wonderful about our spouses that keep us together. It's the way they make us smile when we are down, the kiss goodnight, the times they shelter us from pain and the crazy ways they make us laugh to keep from pulling our hair out. It's those things that make our heart whole. 

Triggers

One of the hardest things about healing and moving forward from infidelity are the constant reminders of your spouse's affair. When you first discover the truth about your spouse's "secret life" you learn the ins and outs of the relationship they had with their affair partner. Whether it be songs they shared, restaurants they visited, meeting places, or nicknames they gave each other, the reminders will stick out like a sore thumb. These little triggers can happen at any time, anyplace, during any occasion and unfortunately they can even pop up when you've finally found peace in your heart. 

It's something that I feel waywards, those who have the affair, fail to understand. Is it because they hate the guilt that hits them when the betrayed spouse rehashes the past and the pain that went along with it? Or could it be that in their minds they're thinking "here we go again, just get over it already?" If only it were that easy...and if only they could take a deeper, more compassionate look into our minds. They should understand that it isn't something you can turn on or off anytime you wish. Triggers sneak in and before you can stop them they have already taken over your emotions. 

I tend to get very frustrated with my husband when he dismisses my mood and gives me that "not again" look. While he is sympathetic when he realizes he does so it doesn't help all the things running through my head. I've learned that sometimes it is best to just patiently let it all flow through me and try and distract myself from showing him my emotions. If I constantly remind him and blame him I am stepping backwards instead of moving forward. Throwing his past in his face is a guaranteed way to ruin any progress we've made towards our future together. 

IF you have betrayed your partner I need you to listen closely...be sympathetic and understanding when the person YOU hurt has one of these triggers! You put them in this position and you must remember that they didn't have a choice for your actions. They placed trust in you, and to be frank...you blew it! While you cannot change the past all you can do now is sincerely be there for them while they learn to cope with the fallout from your affair. If they could truly forget about all the pain and never think again about all the details they know they would, unfortunately they can't. Keep in mind that they will have good days and bad days, on their bad days is when they need you more than ever. Remind them that you love them and are truly sorry for what you have done to them. Help them understand that even though you aren't in their shoes you know they are hurting and you're willing to do anything possible to ease their pain. Be patient and never ever say these words to them...."It's been long enough, you need to stop thinking about it and let it go!" 

I've always had some bitterness towards my husband about this very thing. He is one who can easily move on and in a sense forget what he did, it's common with waywards from what I hear. They do the damage and then expect us to forget about it as if it's as easy as flipping a switch to a light. The only times he is reminded is when I am having one of my moments and reality hits me dead on in the face and I can't make it go away. He does his best to be by my side and reassure me of everything good but he also knows that it's because of his doing and all he can do at this point is talk me down from the ledge so I don't fall into a pit of sorrow. 

Whether you're the betrayed or the wayward spouse you must keep in mind that this will be a long, slow process. Especially for the betrayed. It's something that you didn't ask for yet you are the one who will suffer the consequences for a very long time. Little movies that play in your head and no matter how much you try to stop them you just can't turn them off. There isn't a magical pill you can take that will erase what you know but there are ways you can learn to fast forward and eventually stop them before they consume your ability to focus on anything else. For me, I remind myself that the other woman is no longer worth my time, thoughts or energy. She has already consumed so much of me; I refuse to give her anymore of myself because I am a better, stronger woman and worth so much more than she will ever be. And so are you!! 

The Ugly Four Letter Word

You lying, cheating, no good son of a goat!! I've thought that many times about my husband. Especially on those days that I just can't seem to forget about the excruciating pain in my heart. Why did he do it? What went through his mind while he was flirting, talking, hugging, kissing and doing much worse to someone other than me, his wife?!! Did he think he wouldn't get caught? Did he want to get caught because he was a coward that couldn't come out and say he was finished in our marriage? 

Yeah, that's exactly what went through his mind. He wanted me to push him away but I wasn't strong enough to do that. So for a very long time he played this game of coming and going, I was his yo-yo and like an idiot in love I let him bounce me back and forth. Not once did I think to myself that he actually wanted me to be the one to call it quits because he was a weak S.O.B. They say love is blind but in reality it can be very stupid. Or at least make you very stupid, and boy was I proving that to be right. 

I just can't understand how we can hurt the ones we love. Yes...we! I guess we just figure that if they love us they will be willing to put up with whatever we throw at them. Sadly, we treat most strangers better than we do our loved ones. They see the sweet, calm, and understanding side of us and we save all the nastiness we have for the ones we know will always be there for us. It's sad and it's unfair. 

I was getting the moody, secretive, dishonest, selfish side of my husband and someone else was getting the sweet, happy liar. That just wasn't fair!! What did I do to get the ugly side of him? Oh yeah, I was just the "wife"...the one who loved him and treated him well. He was having his cake and eating it too, and I was there like a moron greeting him with open arms thinking "he's home and he isn't going to leave me again." I would hear "I'm sorry, I love you, I do want to be with you, trust me!" Like a fool I would give in and brush it all under the rug. 

There are times, like writing this post that I think back and wonder how and why I put up with all that I did. Why didn't I just walk away...oh yeah, it's because of that ugly four letter word...L.O.V.E. Now I look back and see that I wasn't the fool or the moron...he was. I finally learned that love sometimes just isn't enough. It doesn't prevent bad things from happening, it kind of adds to them. It makes us do stupid things, it makes us vulnerable and we can become lost wishing for what we want that we ignore what is going on right under our nose. The good and the bad. 

I'm sometimes amazed that I still believe in love but when I sit and think about it all, the unforgettable memories outweigh the pain and sorrow of the past. I will continue to love with my whole heart because that is just who I am. 

The Scarlet Letter

Imagine if we all had to wear labels so people know what kind of person we are or what we are capable of. Just like Hester Prynne's famous "A" in the book The Scarlet Letter. I could have so much fun sticking those suckers on people. Some I would gently pin to their clothing and others I would staple to their foreheads for the entire world to see. 

I lay in bed the other night just thinking about all the hurtful people I have encountered over the years. I have to admit that some people surprised me while others were no different than I first suspected. Yet I still gave them the benefit of the doubt. I think there are times we want to believe someone is a good person. They possess qualities we like so we dismiss the things that seem "off" about them.

As I lay there I started imaging what labels I would put on people and while it was fun to place faces with names I was also sad that I would even consider doing that to people I once called "friends." Not everyone I have been pained by was a stranger, as a matter of fact...very few were. I started thinking about how life would have been so much better for me if I had known from the first "hello" that I should have steered clear from them. I wouldn't have had to deal with the drama, dishonesty and ulterior motives from certain people. I wouldn't have been hurt and more importantly...my children wouldn't have had to be hurt by those that came into our lives only to ruin it in some way or another. 

I was once the type of person that gave everyone a chance, I didn't like confrontation and I never wanted to hurt anyone. Thank God I am no longer that person. Being that kind of person is wonderful but it also leaves you vulnerable and naive. I've met several people that seemed to be the most caring, kindhearted person only to be the one that lived a life of lying, cheating and such selfishness that they didn't care who they hurt. Sadly, the man I married can be placed in that category. 

A person's character defines who they are ALL of the time, not just when it suits them. I would admire a person much more if they were to be upfront and honest from the get go. And no, I don't mean with every handshake they should say "hi, my name is so and so and I have a history of being a (fill in the blank)." Although...wouldn't that be awesome?!? ;) 

Sadly though, that isn't how life works. We must get to know a person and trust that they have the best intentions and that they aren't going to ruin the relationship we have with them. Whether it is our spouse, acquaintances or best friends. If we lived in fear that every person we meet is going to hurt us we would spend our lives alone and that's no fun! So instead all we can do is keep a watchful eye for those that surround us. I've definitely learned that some people have their Scarlet letter hidden very well, but I've also learned that sometimes it's in plain sight and yet we tend to still overlook it. 

At the end of my little moment of wishful thinking I realized that as wonderful as it would be to know in advance what people are capable it would also take away opportunities for us to grow. It's by our experiences that we are who we are; if life and everyone was perfect it would be boring. We would never know the true meaning of friendships, love, and life. 

It Can't Rain Forever

Have you ever looked back at your life and noticed that you did get through the horrible storm you faced? The exact one that gave you the mindset that life would never get better again. I've been that type of person, the one who says "I'll never be happy again; I will never get through this." I was wrong!! Yesterday I had a post all written out and ready to go and when I was reading the rough draft to my husband he made me realize that I left one important detail out. I AM HAPPY!! 

In that post I was too busy bashing and wishing karma would take its course on those that have hurt me and as I read it to him he stopped me and said "it sounds like you want to leave me and are still miserable."  The truth is that I'm not miserable. Yesterday I had too much time on my hands and that left my mind to think, which resulted in me having a miserable day. I sat and wrote while tears flowed, blood boiling with anger and pain causing my heart to break all over again. I was having a pity part and it was a good one!! After I was done I felt refreshed, I was no longer mad and it was as if my soul was cleansed. I had to let it all out, relive that horrible storm and when it was all done I embraced the rainbow above me. 

I felt that I need to explain something to my readers and especially to my husband. I've written about some dark stuff, it's all real and there are no exaggerations in any of my posts. What you read is what my heart has felt, what I have survived. I went into this whole blogging thing with the courage and promise to myself that I would be completely honest with my readers. Whether it's two readers or two-thousand, there would be nothing but pure honesty. I may write about some pretty heavy stuff and I may even sound bitter or miserable but I am happy at this very moment.

I write about my dealings with infidelity, I live day by day and the truth is that I share what I have been through so that I can leave it behind me. I would be lying if I said that I was "over it" all, I don't think I'll ever be completely healed or can ever forget it all. I am human, I have days that I sit and worry about my husband's intentions, days I cry over the pain I've felt and there are even times I get angry at him because of what he has done to me. Since starting this blog I have fewer and fewer days like that...thank God! I know that sounds crazy because one would think that reliving the pain from the past would cause me to not be able to move forward but it actually helps. It's a release of emotions and once I let it all out I can in a sense bury it.  

There are times I share my current feelings and thoughts but they don't mean I am unhappy in my marriage. I didn't realize until my husband pointed it out to me that I may be giving that impression. Or that people may be asking "why do you stay with him if you're so miserable?" I'm not, I am the happiest I have been in a long time. The storm has passed and we made it out...together!! I use my dark days as a chance to help others that may be in their storm right now to see that they will get through it. It may not end today but one day you will look back and see that you made it too. It gets better; you just have to be patient. I never thought I would be happy again but I am. I survived it and so will you!! 

Life Is Too Short

This past weekend I had the pleasure of joining my husband on a weekend filled with friends and motorcycles. We attended a rally of sorts with his motorcycle club and while I was scared to death to get on the highway (first time ever for me) I actually enjoyed it. It's been a fear of mine since he started riding but I conquered my fear and actually enjoyed myself. 

Everything was going wonderfully until we encountered an accident, sadly it was another rider. Throughout the day we heard of more accidents, all motorcyclist. My enjoyment turned to fear and my anxiety levels went through the roof. Our weekend went from exciting and care free to somber and worrisome in just a matter of hours. It made me realize just how much I love my husband and how I have kept my focus on all the wrong things. 

I watched him get cut off on the highway more than once and it scared me. I kept thinking how precious life is and how I have put most of my energy on all the BS from others at the forefront of my life. I spend too much time worrying that things will go wrong in my marriage and that someone will interfere with my happiness that I forget to be grateful for what I have and where I am in life at this very moment. 

Life is too short to spend it worrying about what could go wrong or when the next wrecking ball is going to come our way. I've lost sight of all the wonderful things God has done for me. Spending my time in fear has kept me from moving forward and truly enjoying ALL parts of my life. 


I am guilty of forgetting to focus on everything that is truly important, those things and people that are irreplaceable. My husband and my children should be the ones to consume every ounce of energy, love and compassion that I have in me. Not the people or circumstances that have sucked the life right out of me. 

Each breath we take truly is a blessing; I will no longer spend my days worrying about people that are unworthy of my time and those that do not deserve to be a part of our lives.