Facing the truth

How could you be so stupid!!

That is a question I have asked myself over and over. I would go through all of the things my husband put me through and how I wasn't paying enough attention to what was happening in my marriage. I knew were becoming distant but I just pushed it aside waiting for the problems we were dealing with to go away on their own.

Life isn't that easy. Some things do work out by themselves but the harder situations require a lot more attention.

Being in denial was the first thing I had to work on. I didn't want to see the facts that were right in front of my face. My husband was becoming distant, wanting time alone, spending too much time on his phone, angry all the time and pushing me away.  I blamed his job; working nights was taking its toll on him but I was using that as an excuse for his mood changes. When he was putting in lots of extra hours I didn't question whether or not he was actually at work, nor did I verify it by looking at his pay-stubs.When he would receive a phone call I didn't ask who was on the other end. I just let him have his privacy, even though I knew he wasn't one to be on the phone all the time. How could I be so stupid?

The second thing I had to work on was to stop being afraid to ask questions and settling for silence in return. When he would answer me he would give me short answers or get mad at me for accusing him of doing something wrong. I've never had a problem sharing what I was thinking or asking tough questions. However, when it came to the faithfulness of my husband I beat around the bush. I knew in my heart what the answers were but I didn't want to hear the truth. So I settled for lies and half-truths. How could I be so stupid?

Listening to my gut instincts was the hardest to work on over anything else. I have heard people say that their gut is never wrong, I would think “yeah right, you’re crazy!” I was clearly ignoring mine, and it was telling me everything I already knew. I wanted to believe that the feelings I was having were just in my head. When I would ask my husband about his whereabouts, his faithfulness or his actions my mind was saying “believe him” but my gut was saying “something doesn't seem right.” Instead of demanding the truth I let my heart take over and believe what he was saying, even though I knew it was wrong. How could I be so stupid?

It took courage and strength to stop being so stupid and demand answers. Honest answers!! I didn't want to face the truth, because if I did that would mean I would have to make some tough choices. It took me some time to convince myself that although I loved him I deserved enough respect to be told the truth. I deserved to know where he was spending his time, who was spending it with and why he was being unfaithful. I am no longer stupid!