Worst Club Ever!!

It's an exclusive club, not one everyone can be a part of. The only great thing about this club is the amazing support system you gain. I will not hand out invites to the "Betrayed Wives Club". I don't even want to be in this stupid club!! I wanted to turn in my resignation form on day one, unfortunately it comes with a lifetime membership. 

If you can't tell by now, I am having a rough day! Nothing in particular happened, just one of the perks of being in the club. You sit up on your repaired happy throne held up by Elmer's glue, praying it doesn't collapse. When a butterfly lands on it, you admire the beauty in that butterfly and embrace the moment of peace. Ahh...such a sweet moment that is!

Suddenly, a rock falls from the sky, breaks your throne, kills your butterfly and smacks you right on the face. The note on the rock says "no, no, NO...you are NOT supposed to be smiling!"

I have two choices at this point; sit and sulk, reliving painful memories and throwing that same rock that smacked me in the face at my husband. OR I can choose to push the good memories of my marriage to the front and allow my heart to smile again.

Today, I am choosing to toss that rock aside and remembering a special day. I'm replaying our wedding day. All of the planning, excitement and anticipation of becoming husband and wife. Making a promise in front of our family, friends and God to become one. We vowed to stand by each other through our happiest moments AND our darkest times. I see two young people, although scared out of their minds lighting a unity candle. 

It's more symbolic to me almost 15 years later than it was at that very moment. We each held a candle and together we lit one flame. Today that flame is still lit inside of us. There are times it is almost so dim we can't see it, but there are also times it shines so bright that we can see beyond what is just right in front of us. I love those moments! 

If I'm being completely honest, there are times I want to just blow that candle out and smash it to the ground. Not because I no longer want to be one with my husband, but because I would like to light a new candle. A fresh start, a chance for this new flame to never go dim again.

A girl can dream...if I do ever get a new candle I would use it to burn my membership card for that horrible club I'm now a member of. I've now learned how to protect it, how to keep others from going near it. And if all else fails, I feel confident in using it to burn those that try and blow it out!! ;) 

Living In A Mental Funk

If you've been following me I'm sure you've noticed how I have been sort of quiet lately. The truth is, I've been having a hard time lately and I have been in a mental funk. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I am so mad at myself for it. I have absolutely no reason for it but I just can't stop what goes through my head. Oh how I wish I could erase my memory of all of this to keep my mind from reminding my heart of what it has been through.

I have had no reason at all to doubt my husband's faithfulness yet I can't stop worrying and remembering. The constant questioning of whether he's happy, if he loves me, and will he leave? For some reason I cannot let myself just be happy and enjoy things the way they are. When I start to feel safe, secure and happy I pull back and quietly let myself go back to my little corner and sulk. How do I keep from doing that? Why do I do that? Why am I so afraid to be happy? 

I am still mentally living in the past from time to time and I know it's not healthy. I let my mind take over and before I know it I am reliving everything I have been through. The best way I know to describe it is waking from a horrible nightmare only to close my eyes and go right back to where I left off. The pain I have let go in the past is back and very fresh at this moment. The details of it all are being replayed over and over in my head and oh the heartache is ever present again. 

I know this will pass, and I can only wonder if it is all happening again because I have poured my heart and soul into my writing. It has helped me in so many ways but it has also opened so many wounds. I haven't felt this in a very long time and I wanted to share it with those reading this. Especially to the ones that can relate to my story, you know better than anyone else how it feels to take one step forward and two steps back. Hang in there and stay positive, this does get easier. I know that one statement makes no sense seeing how I just explained the funk I have been in but it is temporary. WE will get through this, and we will be rewarded for our pain one day. At least that's what I choose to believe. Keep your head up, smile through the tears and be strong because you are not alone!! 

The Worst Battle

Have you ever truly listened to what your mind is telling you but ignored it because your heart says something completely different? 

During the dark moments after my husband's affair my head was saying "you have to let him go, he isn't worth all the pain and suffering." However, my heart would say "you love him, don't let go of what can still be." It's hard to truly know what you should do and trust that you're making the right decision in the end. If I had let him completely go our lives would be so different today. We wouldn't have had the chance to be a strong couple again; the love we once shared would have been just a memory. The feeling of comfort, security and completeness would be no more. If I stayed with him I would risk being hurt all over again.  

For the longest time I tried to listen to my head because it seemed to offer the more sensible solution. I would end the marriage, move on and find happiness again. Sounds easy enough right? The only problem was that my heart was shouting "BUT YOU LOVE HIM!" What do you do when you are living in the worst battle of your life? You follow your heart and pray it's going to lead you down the path you're meant to be on. Even if your head is kicking and screaming along behind, and that's exactly what it felt like. My heart knew being with him was what I wanted but my head kept reminding me of what he did, that he could do it again and that I was giving him complete control to break my heart all over again. 

I was mentally, emotionally and physically worn out. The million dollar question was which would I let win the battle? My heart or my head? Both leading to different outcomes and equally scary. Not just for me, but also for my children. No matter what risk I took it would impact us all and it was something I had to live with. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know which decision was the "right" one, and what if I made the wrong one? What if I made a selfish decision and only thought of myself? 

The man I knew was gone, the life I cherished was almost non-existent and the only thing I had left from the life we built together was our three children. I had to put their future and their lives before my own.I had to do what was best for them! I used what little faith I had left and asked God to give me the strength I needed for what was to come and asked that if He had something different planned for us I needed him to show me immediately. Well guess what...God doesn't work like that! You can't make Him do anything and He will show you what He has planned when HE is ready. 

I waited for a sign, any sign at all and I got absolutely nothing from Him. I lost my faith that day and I was so angry at God for not telling me what I should do, angry at my husband for putting me through this all alone and angry at myself for wanting to let my heart win the battle. With all of that anger built up inside I did it...I made the decision to ignore my heart and go with the what my head was telling me. It was time to let him go! He couldn't hurt me anymore if he was gone. 

On November 9, 2010 I filed for divorce and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I was scared, lonely and questioned what I did to deserve this and why my children had to suffer because of it. Signing the divorce papers caused me to have a mental breakdown and yet I had to hold it all together for three precious lives that were depending on me to be their rock. And yes, I was still waiting on God to take over. At that moment I needed Him and with each day that passed I gave up my trust in Him more and more. I could no longer depend on my husband to be there for us, in fact I had him agree to sign over his parental rights. It was my way of protecting them from him abandoning them any longer. 

My husband needed to hit rock bottom and my children needed him to do so just as badly. I didn't care about myself at this point, I just wanted to protect them and stop them from hurting, ALL of them. 

All I could do was sit back and wait for a miracle. Sometimes that's all we can do. 

Christmas Funk

Christmas has always been a joyous time for our family. Even through pain we have suffered in the past we have put on a smile for our children. This year for me is no exception. I am not having the best day, and not for any reason in particular. I am so blessed to have my husband and children by my side yet I feel sad and emotional and I'm not exactly sure why. 

I think it's just the reminder that we have been through hell and back several times over and I'm feeling the reality that tomorrow isn't always promised. I have many fears and worries, the main one being that after the holiday hustle and bustle is over I worry my husbands heart will change. He hasn't given me any reason to think that is the case but things just seem off. I know it may just be in my head, but nonetheless the feeling is very present. I know for my own sanity I need to get out of this funk and enjoy his presence and embrace the fact that we have so much to be happy about.

My children are happy, healthy and they have both, Mommy and Daddy home. I voiced my feelings to my husband and told him that I thought what it would be like without our family under one roof. I grew up celebrating holidays with one parent and it was never an ideal situation. It isn't anything I want for my own children, I don't like the thought of sharing them. I understand that many parents and children are in this situation but it's just not something I think I could get easily accustomed to. We have been given another chance at being a happy couple and family as a whole and I fear losing that. 

I know some may be saying "oh get over it, you have your husband and your children so stop your whining and enjoy Christmas!" You're absolutely right!! I'll be honest though, trying to learn to live a "normal" life again is tough. Once you find out your spouse isn't or hasn't always been happy or wanted to be with you is not something you just "get over." In some ways I think it's harder than if we hadn't have gotten back together. We are damaged and in some areas still very broken. More specifically, me. 

He may have made his choices he has to live with but I made the choice to continue to be his wife. I'm not sure who has it easier than the other. He's asked for forgiveness and put it all behind him. I am still working toward that and it seems like I take one step forward and five steps back, as opposed to the ten I'm familiar with. So I guess I can say that I have been healing better than I give myself credit for. For my sake and my families I am going to put my emotions aside and be happy!! Baby steps...teeny, tiny baby steps. I'll get through this, I always do. 

Merry Christmas to you all!! May your day be filled with an abundance of love, happiness, peace and joy!!