I AM DONE!!

There comes a time in our lives that we must step back, let go and take a different path than that we are on. There are no promises that we will find happiness instantly, but in time we will see that we are one step farther than before.

If we choose to remain where we are then we must learn to let go of past animosity, fear, doubt and insecurities. When we allow someone to control our every move, thought or feeling we are no longer doing for ourselves. We allow them to win, to keep control over us. Without realizing it we're closing the door to our own happiness. I've been silent for a while because I have focused all of my attention on myself, my husband and our children. We're all in a great place. In the past Thanksgiving has sometimes been a struggle for me and unfortunately my children. Several years ago we spent our first Thanksgiving without our protector, without our comforter. This year we celebrated all that we are thankful for and new beginnings was at the top of my list. 

I'll admit that in the middle of my day, as my husband wrapped his arms around me I had a bit of a "relapse". For an instant I let our past get in my brain. I hugged him tighter and forced it out of my head. I wasn't going to allow anyone or anything to ruin our moment. I hadn't had those thoughts in quite a while, I've had to remind myself that I am in control of me. I control how I feel, I will not be my own worst enemy by rekindling that hurt that I have healed inside of me. I will not allow the past, insecurities, individuals, and certainly not allow doubt to find a place to linger inside of me. I am done!! I'm determined to live in the moment, to embrace my happiness. 

I have been so blessed over this past year that I can't help but sometimes think that the man upstairs has me mixed up with someone more deserving. I'm still working on accepting that He really is mending my broken heart. That HE isn't finished with me yet! 

I'll leave you with this one last thought....When you feel as though what hurt you takes you to that deep dark place remind yourself that YOU are in control. Only you can come out of it and only you can veer onto another path, the one you choose to design for yourself. For your own happiness. 

To Know Me Is To Be Me

Do you remember the commercial with the egg and the pan? You know..."this is your brain; this is your brain on drugs."

I can relate to that commercial. My egg is filled with painful memories, fears, worries and at times my heart. The pan is the pain and heartache I have endured. Let me tell you, when that pan smashes my egg it smashes it HARD!!  

I want to share certain details of my rough days. Some of you will understand it all too well. Others will hopefully see just how strong a betrayed spouse has to be. Get ready because it's a sad, bumpy ride.

I am awaken from horrible dreams about what my husband has done, the kind of dreams that feel so real you can't figure out if your still dreaming. After I wipe my tears, take a few deep breaths and realize it was just in my head I have my quiet time, drink my coffee and watch the sun begin to rise. I give myself time to cool down; because I wake up mad at him for everything he has done. I remind myself that the past is behind us, my husband has asked for forgiveness and it's a new day. A day to step forward and embrace where we are at this point in our relationship. I receive my daily "good morning" text or phone call from him and then the guilt of being upset with him hits me. He has no clue that I'm upset, or that I'm mad at him so I usually just let it pass. Other times I will share with him the reason for my sleepless nights. 

As my day goes on I find myself wondering what he's doing, who he's talking to, and whether or not he's remaining faithful. IF I'm lucky the wondering lasts just a few minutes. On my not so lucky days I find myself spending way too much time playing the "what if" game. What if he's with someone? What if he's lying to me? What if today is the day I tell him I can't do this anymore? What if he's not really at work? What if this is the day he tells me he's leaving? What if we aren't supposed to be together? 
OH, DEAR GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!! 

Did you catch that one "what if?" Yes, I do wonder myself if there will be a day that I ask him to leave. He questions it also, he shared with me recently that each day he turns the corner on our street he worries all of his belongings will be on the curb waiting for him. Oddly, I found comfort when he shared that with me. It means that he accepts responsibilities for his poor choices and the effect they have had on me. He understands that I can only take so much and I just hope that he sees how lucky he is to still have me. 

Each afternoon I watch for him to step foot thorough the door, that means he came home to me! I find myself searching his eyes. Is he too quiet? Does he look guilty, or is he too relaxed? If his mood is off it sends my red flags up and I hound him with questions. This doesn't happen too often but when it does I am like a lioness hunting for her next meal. If all seems well I can actually relax and enjoy my time spent with him. 

Between his arrival and bedtime I try not to bring up the past or any feelings I've dealt with during the day. I sometimes succeed and sometimes not. He's learned that if I am too quiet it's because something has surfaced within me. After we talk it out we can move past it, at least until the next wave of emotions come forward. These moments are better sweet, while he hates talking about his past and hearing what I have been thinking of he helps to reassure me that he's here with me because he WANTS to be. 

Nighttime arrives and as he sleeps I often just lie there watching him. My heart and my head take it all in...he's home, he's with me and he's within reach. No reason to search his eyes to see if he's hiding anything. I just stare at him and remember why I love him, what he means to me and how far we have come. I am at peace and now I can be close to the man I love. There are times tears stream down my cheeks, they're both bad and good tears. The bad are for the pain I have suffered by the man I thought could never hurt me and the good are for our love. A love I never want to lose again, a love that I hope is genuine and protected. I fall asleep as he holds me and I that is my safe place.

This has been a slow and painful process, it isn't something that I still deal with on a daily basis, but it is more regular than I would like. I imagine as time goes on my heartache, sad memories, sleepless nights and days of doubt about our future will diminish. At least I like to think so. If only I could see what lies ahead. 

To those of you who also have days like this I want you to know that you are strong, and an amazing person!! I know what it's like to wake each morning, not knowing if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. I too have moments where I am going about my daily tasks and suddenly images, questions, and scenarios take over leaving me sad and heartbroken.

I love my husband, I truly do. If I wasn't someone who believes in hope and love I would have given up a long time ago. Maybe, just maybe everything that I feel can teach me and him the true value of love. I keep reminding myself that if I can't let go of the pain I will never be able to move forward and truly be happy with him. That is my goal, my wish and what I long for the most!!

Facing the truth

How could you be so stupid!!

That is a question I have asked myself over and over. I would go through all of the things my husband put me through and how I wasn't paying enough attention to what was happening in my marriage. I knew were becoming distant but I just pushed it aside waiting for the problems we were dealing with to go away on their own.

Life isn't that easy. Some things do work out by themselves but the harder situations require a lot more attention.

Being in denial was the first thing I had to work on. I didn't want to see the facts that were right in front of my face. My husband was becoming distant, wanting time alone, spending too much time on his phone, angry all the time and pushing me away.  I blamed his job; working nights was taking its toll on him but I was using that as an excuse for his mood changes. When he was putting in lots of extra hours I didn't question whether or not he was actually at work, nor did I verify it by looking at his pay-stubs.When he would receive a phone call I didn't ask who was on the other end. I just let him have his privacy, even though I knew he wasn't one to be on the phone all the time. How could I be so stupid?

The second thing I had to work on was to stop being afraid to ask questions and settling for silence in return. When he would answer me he would give me short answers or get mad at me for accusing him of doing something wrong. I've never had a problem sharing what I was thinking or asking tough questions. However, when it came to the faithfulness of my husband I beat around the bush. I knew in my heart what the answers were but I didn't want to hear the truth. So I settled for lies and half-truths. How could I be so stupid?

Listening to my gut instincts was the hardest to work on over anything else. I have heard people say that their gut is never wrong, I would think “yeah right, you’re crazy!” I was clearly ignoring mine, and it was telling me everything I already knew. I wanted to believe that the feelings I was having were just in my head. When I would ask my husband about his whereabouts, his faithfulness or his actions my mind was saying “believe him” but my gut was saying “something doesn't seem right.” Instead of demanding the truth I let my heart take over and believe what he was saying, even though I knew it was wrong. How could I be so stupid?

It took courage and strength to stop being so stupid and demand answers. Honest answers!! I didn't want to face the truth, because if I did that would mean I would have to make some tough choices. It took me some time to convince myself that although I loved him I deserved enough respect to be told the truth. I deserved to know where he was spending his time, who was spending it with and why he was being unfaithful. I am no longer stupid! 

Know Your Strength

Can your marriage survive the devastation of an affair? More importantly, can YOU survive after such horrible betrayal?

Unless you have been in the shoes of a woman that has been cheated on by her husband you can not begin to imagine what she is going through. The pain is unbearable. 

You feel abandoned, rejected, humiliated, unworthy, and unloved. "Am I that horrible of a wife?" "Am I that unattractive?" "What does she offer him that I don't?" 

Those are questions that haunt you day after day. Any free moment you have you are consumed with the "what ifs."

"What if I had been more intimate with him?" "What if I had made myself prettier when he came home each day?" "What if I paid more attention to him?" 

If you are going through this right now I have one thing to say to you...STOP!! 

It took me a long time to learn that while I played some part in his unhappiness I am not the one that caused him to cheat. He chose to break our wedding vows and seek whatever he thought was missing through someone else. I knew that if I wanted to find peace I would have to stop blaming myself, it was time to bury the "what ifs."

The purpose of me starting this blog was to share my story and how I dealt with and still am dealing with feelings infidelity brought to my marriage. 

If you are going through this believe that you will survive! Whether you choose to stay with your spouse or not, you will have good days and bad days. Take each day as it is and embrace the strength within yourself. 

The first step is to stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault!