Let It Be

We made it. OUR MARRIAGE IS 100% HEALED!! Kind of....

Ok, maybe we're still a work in progress. I'm pretty sure we'll always be a work in progress, but we are so much further than we were just a couple of years ago. This past year has been a true test of our faith, love and patience. Not because we are struggling, but because our lives have completely flipped and changed. We have built a new and solid relationship with each other this year and learned so much about ourselves and each other. We're strong, our children are happy and we are all exactly where we are meant to be. 

Y'all....my life is pretty darn great right now! During my quiet time I often sit there and tell myself..."you deserve this...you worked your ass off for this...ENJOY IT!!" It's true, I worked so hard to find my happiness...to find myself and to love myself again. To find my peace again. I was so mad for so long, I felt that as the wife and mother I had failed them. And bad. I felt for too long that I was supposed to be the glue that held it all together, that's what women do, right? Mommy is supposed to know how to fix everything, wives are supposed to know what to do when things are falling apart. As women we feel pressured to have it all together and guess what...we don't, and that's ok! I was so fixated on making everything right that I failed miserably. I was my own worse enemy. For every step I took forward I was knocked back 10 more.  

I didn't know how to fix anything. I tried and I fought myself and my husband to make our lives "normal" again. I finally decided it was time to stop fighting and just let it be. I had to take a step back and let life happen. That's what I have done over the past year and a half...I've just let life be! It feels great!! I/WE have found our happiness again. I'm not scared of the unknown anymore...in fact, I am excited for it. I can't wait to see all that God has in store for me, and I am not afraid to say that whatever blessings He hands me I deserve! But oh my, He has already done so much for me...I'd rather He help someone else find their deserved happiness because it's such a wonder feeling of comfort after a torrential storm.

I want to encourage anyone reading this to be patient. I waited so long to feel like a normal person again. There were moments I was ready to give up the fight. Times I opened the door for my husband to leave and secretly hoping he would just so I wouldn't have to hurt anymore, but he never completely left. If he did it was just for a short time, then he would come back only to repeat it time after time. When you live your life not knowing if you'll have stability from one day to the next it takes a toll on you. It causes you to become more angry at yourself rather than the one hurting you...because you allow it to happen. I can't speak for my husband but the one thing that kept me going was the hope that I would find my love again. And this year he has proven so much to me, I was too focused on myself that I was somewhat blind to the strong man he was molding himself into. He was quietly working on himself and I almost didn't see it. It's things like that that make me happy I hung on for dear life for the scariest ride of my life. Of course I wish I had never gotten on that roller coaster, but now I'm glad I was courageous enough to not let go. 

What Keeps Us Together?

I spend a lot of time observing relationships of those around me. Some might call it "stalking" but I call it necessary "research." ;)

If you hop on any social media outlet you see the good, bad, and sometimes ugly sides of relationships. Whether they are just dating, married, or divorced. Some air out their dirty laundry for anyone and everyone to see, while others keep quiet and only pop their heads out when something wonderful or unexpected happens. I am one who likes to keep the relationship private. I know what you're thinking..."You sure do air it all out on your blog though!!" Yes, I do. But that's different!! =)

My heart smiles when I see a couple that has been married for several years and they still like each other!! They give me hope that with determination and an abundance of love you can survive anything together. Those are the couples that we should all pay close attention to. I'm sure they have had their share of issues, just like any other couple. I like to listen to how they communicate, watch how affectionate they are and I just love to hear how much they have grown over the years as one. They are a true testament of what marriage is all about. 

Then there are the young couples, you know which one's I'm talking about. The one's that can't keep their hands off each other, how they smile through their eyes when their partner walks into the room. I envy those at times because I'll be honest...I've been married almost 15 years and the "honeymoon" phase is long gone at times. We are still affectionate towards one another, but the "lust" isn't always there. The moments it is we respectfully keep it private for when we are alone, because after all...some things are meant to stay behind closed doors and not on display for everyone to see. 

Lastly, there are the couples that are waaaay too comfortable with each other. They no longer feel the need to give their spouse compliments, affection, and at times respect. They've become stuck in the day to day life of marriage. Instead of healthy communication they talk at each other, not to each other. They expect their significant other to read their mind and sadly, gratitude and respect for one another is almost non-existent. The love may still there, but it isn't shown very often. Those couples have lost focus on why they fell in love in the first place. I may be wrong for saying this, but those are the couples that may be in the path of disaster. 

We were that couple for a very long time. Life got in the way and we just found ourselves going through the motions of parenthood, work, finances and everyday life. Healthy communication was far and in between and it was more talking about what we didn't agree on or what we weren't getting from one another. We ignored major problems we were having. After so long of not appreciating each other, no longer showing our desire for one another and making excuses for not making time for US, we strayed from each other. Ultimately our lack of care for our marriage caused the door to open for someone to easily step in between us. By the time we realized we had a major problem it was too late. 

Fast forward to now....

We make our marriage and one another a top priority again; we openly share our feelings as opposed to keeping them hidden. More importantly...we remain focused on one another and remind ourselves that when we don't do these things, we lose the bond we share. We strive to show our children and each other that the love is there and while we may not always agree on everything, we communicate and compromise. Sometimes we agree to disagree and that's ok. It took years of screaming at each other to get our point across before we learned that none of that was necessary or healthy. We now make time for one another and we embrace the fact that we survived something so horrific in our marriage. And we did it together! 

I think every couple has different seasons in their lives, some repeating quite often. We all struggle and we all sometimes lose sight of what brought us together. But we cannot forget that it is love, respect, and everything wonderful about our spouses that keep us together. It's the way they make us smile when we are down, the kiss goodnight, the times they shelter us from pain and the crazy ways they make us laugh to keep from pulling our hair out. It's those things that make our heart whole. 

Every Scar Has A Story

We all have scars, some more than others and each one tells a different story. Let yours be a constant remembrance of what you've overcome. 

I know it sounds horrible, but I don't want anyone to "pity" me or my situation. I don't like the thought of someone feeling sorry for me. I shrink on the inside when I hear the words "I'm sorry this happened to you".

I appreciate it very much, I really do. I know it's said with compassion, and it's a person's way of telling me they care about me. However, when I hear those words it makes me feel as if I am a victim, as if they feel sorry for me. Maybe it's the attention I don't like, the fact that I don't want to burden others when I have "bad" days or the history of my drama filled life.

What I hear is "You poor, poor woman, your life must be so miserable." I'm sure that's not what they mean at all (at least not the majority who say it) but I often feel the need to defend myself and my marriage. 

The truth is...my life is not bad at all. Yes, our marriage has suffered a great deal in the past and it has taken years to rebuild but we are making it. We still continue to do so and each day that passes is another day proven that we made the right decision to work on and save our marriage. 

I have overcome so many obsticles in these past few years. Yes, YEARS! Surviving infedility isn't an overnight healing process. I take each day, obsticle and moment as a blessing. I am proud of how far I have come and each time I am knocked down I get back up. It may take a while but I do it! I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel that if I do others will also. My scars are my story, my reminder that I am alive and I can overcome anything that comes my way. Those scars are what have made me who I am today. I have survived everything life has dealt me from a very young age and I don't intend to give up now.