A Letter To Myself

Dear Me,

Man, have you been through a lot these past few years. Your life was close to perfect and then something happened that changed it all. The hard work you have had to put in to just keep from drowning is proof that you don't let anything keep you down. You've fought, sometimes alone, to keep your family together and all the while you weren't sure if you were helping them or hurting them. Only time will tell...

Certain circumstances have literally sucked the life out of you, but yet you try to stay positive and poised. On the outside you smile for the world to see but in private there are times you are dying. It's getting better but there are those times you just can't help it. Since you were little your life hasn't always been the easiest. You have seen, heard and felt a lot of pain but you keep going. You always have. 

I often wonder where all the strength you have found over the years came from, then I remember the saying "what doesn't break you, only makes you stronger." As much as you don't want to be strong you have to be. There is so much pressure on you to be strong for your children, yourself and your marriage. Think back at all the times you have had to be but just couldn't, you gave up a few times and where did that leave you? In case you forgot...it left you in a very dark place. It wasn't what you wanted but you chose to give up so you could make someone else happy. 

When you felt unwanted, unloved and broken you wanted so desperately to find someone that gave you all that you were missing. All that Aaron use to give you. You wanted someone to look deep into your heart and protect you. The thought of being with someone else felt comforting, even if you knew they wouldn't have your whole heart. I know that you would have eventually found someone that would respect you, cherish you and deserve you. 

Your marriage was over, divorce in hand, your children were heartbroken and confused. You tried your best to comfort them and show them that if you were ok they would be also. When you thought "what else could go wrong?" life threw yet another curve ball at you. Aaron begged to come back home once again. Your heart was whispering "yes" but your head was screaming "NO." It left you scared, confused and unsure as to what you were supposed to do. You knew you would be taking a huge risk by letting the man that hurt you so badly back into your life. There was one thing you were sure about, if you left him back you would not stop the divorce from happening until he showed you that he was coming back for all the RIGHT reasons. That was in a way your insurance.  

Years have passed and there have been some rough moments, but nothing you couldn't handle. You are learning how to trust again and that isn't an easy task. There are times you are afraid to let go of what has happened and believe that Aaron really does love you. It isn't easy trying to put all the pieces back together, especially when there are others out there that are just waiting for your hard work to crumble. Those people are cruel and although you want to seek revenge on them you know that isn't your job. They will pay for what they have done to you and your kids, just let God handle it. HE has been by your side all this time, even when you thought He abandoned you. It's ok to trust Him again, it will be ok!! And don't worry...Aaron will find his way back to Him also; I know that's something you worry about almost daily. 

I want you to be proud of yourself, you're always telling others how they should be proud of themselves but yet you can't see why you deserve that also. I don't know what life has in store for you or what the future holds, all I know is that with faith, hope and love anything is possible. Enjoy every moment you have, life is too short to spend it questioning the past or worrying about the future. Don't let anyone steal your happiness or the life you fought so long for. Others will try and destroy it because they know where its weakest points are, it's up to you and Aaron to protect it. 

Promise that when your mind starts to stray and you feel defeated you'll remember all the hell you have been through and how far you have come. When others tell you that you are an inspiration BELIEVE IT!  Look at how much you have learned, others you have helped and don't ever let anyone take away your happiness. YOU EARNED IT!!! 

My Rants For The Day

Ok, I may make some mad but let me begin by saying this...

If anything I say stings in some way then that isn't my fault, it's your own guilt talking to you. I need to get some stuff off my chest and while it isn't everything, these are a few at the top of my list. Now let me begin my rant. :)

Women, if you present yourself in a certain way you are going to attract what you put out there. Show some class and respect for yourself or stop complaining about how men disrespect you and use you. 

Men, if you have a rare gem at home don't go looking for some dirty little stone that others can easily pick up. In other words...don't fall for the nastiness walking around out there. Protect your gem before it gets taken by someone who knows the true value of it. A truly beautiful woman isn't going to just let any man near her jewels. 

Never, ever complain about your spouse to the opposite sex...they will use that as ammo and strike!! You are handing them your weaknesses and allowing them to use it to their advantage. 

When someone flirts with you and you feel the urge to flirt back, pick up the phone and say those sweet things to your husband or wife instead. When was the last time you called your wife beautiful or your husband handsome? If you can't remember, then right now is the perfect time to do so. 

If your relationship is a secret they are ashamed of you. You are NOT the exception to the rule, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise. 

When you start deleting texts or hiding secrets from your spouse you are already in too deep. If you're telling yourself "it's just a friend" why not let your spouse keep your phone for a day. Bet you change your tune then. 

If you say you're sorry, MEAN IT!! SHOW IT!! Otherwise, remove that word from your vocabulary because you don't know what it means to be truly sorry. 

Before you cheat think about everyone your actions will impact...especially your children! Is it worth it?!  

You are not the victim if you have an affair with a married man or woman. The betrayed spouse is the victim, not you!! 

If you have had an affair you better be doing everything in your power to show your spouse you are remorseful. If they want to reconcile with you, be glad they are willing to work it out with you after all the pain you have caused them. Be sympathetic and patient to their feelings, you are the one that put them in that state. 

Do not blame the "other man/woman" for your actions. You chose to flirt with disaster and step outside of your marriage. Take responsibility for what YOU did. 

Why is it that we always want more than what we have? I say "we" because lets face it...at some point we want more, whether it be money, love, affection, attention or approval. When we aren't getting what we want we look for it in all the wrong places. 


Lastly....

What goes through a person's head when they try and destroy the lives of others??? Are they that unhappy with their own lives that they feel justified in wrecking someone else's? I know what it is...they are cold-hearted, mean and just plain selfish! In no way are they a "good" person. If they were they wouldn't be so nasty! Normal people do not go around destroying the lives of others. 


What goes around comes around. I am a firm believer in karma...good and bad. People get what they dish out, eventually everything comes full circle and some of us will be beyond blessed while others will live a life of regrets and sorrow that they have caused.  

Ahhh....I feel better now. :)

To Know Me Is To Be Me

Do you remember the commercial with the egg and the pan? You know..."this is your brain; this is your brain on drugs."

I can relate to that commercial. My egg is filled with painful memories, fears, worries and at times my heart. The pan is the pain and heartache I have endured. Let me tell you, when that pan smashes my egg it smashes it HARD!!  

I want to share certain details of my rough days. Some of you will understand it all too well. Others will hopefully see just how strong a betrayed spouse has to be. Get ready because it's a sad, bumpy ride.

I am awaken from horrible dreams about what my husband has done, the kind of dreams that feel so real you can't figure out if your still dreaming. After I wipe my tears, take a few deep breaths and realize it was just in my head I have my quiet time, drink my coffee and watch the sun begin to rise. I give myself time to cool down; because I wake up mad at him for everything he has done. I remind myself that the past is behind us, my husband has asked for forgiveness and it's a new day. A day to step forward and embrace where we are at this point in our relationship. I receive my daily "good morning" text or phone call from him and then the guilt of being upset with him hits me. He has no clue that I'm upset, or that I'm mad at him so I usually just let it pass. Other times I will share with him the reason for my sleepless nights. 

As my day goes on I find myself wondering what he's doing, who he's talking to, and whether or not he's remaining faithful. IF I'm lucky the wondering lasts just a few minutes. On my not so lucky days I find myself spending way too much time playing the "what if" game. What if he's with someone? What if he's lying to me? What if today is the day I tell him I can't do this anymore? What if he's not really at work? What if this is the day he tells me he's leaving? What if we aren't supposed to be together? 
OH, DEAR GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!! 

Did you catch that one "what if?" Yes, I do wonder myself if there will be a day that I ask him to leave. He questions it also, he shared with me recently that each day he turns the corner on our street he worries all of his belongings will be on the curb waiting for him. Oddly, I found comfort when he shared that with me. It means that he accepts responsibilities for his poor choices and the effect they have had on me. He understands that I can only take so much and I just hope that he sees how lucky he is to still have me. 

Each afternoon I watch for him to step foot thorough the door, that means he came home to me! I find myself searching his eyes. Is he too quiet? Does he look guilty, or is he too relaxed? If his mood is off it sends my red flags up and I hound him with questions. This doesn't happen too often but when it does I am like a lioness hunting for her next meal. If all seems well I can actually relax and enjoy my time spent with him. 

Between his arrival and bedtime I try not to bring up the past or any feelings I've dealt with during the day. I sometimes succeed and sometimes not. He's learned that if I am too quiet it's because something has surfaced within me. After we talk it out we can move past it, at least until the next wave of emotions come forward. These moments are better sweet, while he hates talking about his past and hearing what I have been thinking of he helps to reassure me that he's here with me because he WANTS to be. 

Nighttime arrives and as he sleeps I often just lie there watching him. My heart and my head take it all in...he's home, he's with me and he's within reach. No reason to search his eyes to see if he's hiding anything. I just stare at him and remember why I love him, what he means to me and how far we have come. I am at peace and now I can be close to the man I love. There are times tears stream down my cheeks, they're both bad and good tears. The bad are for the pain I have suffered by the man I thought could never hurt me and the good are for our love. A love I never want to lose again, a love that I hope is genuine and protected. I fall asleep as he holds me and I that is my safe place.

This has been a slow and painful process, it isn't something that I still deal with on a daily basis, but it is more regular than I would like. I imagine as time goes on my heartache, sad memories, sleepless nights and days of doubt about our future will diminish. At least I like to think so. If only I could see what lies ahead. 

To those of you who also have days like this I want you to know that you are strong, and an amazing person!! I know what it's like to wake each morning, not knowing if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. I too have moments where I am going about my daily tasks and suddenly images, questions, and scenarios take over leaving me sad and heartbroken.

I love my husband, I truly do. If I wasn't someone who believes in hope and love I would have given up a long time ago. Maybe, just maybe everything that I feel can teach me and him the true value of love. I keep reminding myself that if I can't let go of the pain I will never be able to move forward and truly be happy with him. That is my goal, my wish and what I long for the most!!

Would You, Could You?

I have a question to ask you all...

If you knew a person was cheating on their spouse would you tell them? 

I know it seems like a very easy question to answer, but if you give it some thought it becomes quite difficult to just automatically say yes or no. You want to blurt out "yes" because that would be the right thing to do. However, do you really want to be the one to deliver the message that would devastate a marriage, a family, and the lives of innocent children? You risk damaging a family, even though you personally have nothing to do with the affair. 

The "no" part of you wants to stay out of it because it isn't your business. If it isn't your spouse, you don't care to get involved. You know that eventually the secret will be out and you will have had nothing to do with any of the devastation that follows.

So, you're probably wondering what my answer is....

I choose to plead the 5th!! ;)

Honestly, I don't know if I would tell the betrayed spouse. I'm sure some are saying "how could you not, you've lived it?" You're right, I have lived it, and its hell. I wouldn't want to be the one to drop that bomb, BUT it depends on the situation. If it was someone I knew that had a history of cheating I would feel the truth, even if it was from me, was necessary. The first thing I would do is talk to the person having the affair, knowing me I would give them an ultimatum. You tell or I tell! 

I feel that it's not my place to interfere in someone else's business, especially their marriage. As much as I would want someone to tell me I don't know that I could be the one to return the favor. I've had someone withhold the truth from me and while I was upset with her at the time, I do understand why she chose to remain quiet. It's a delicate situation and one that if not handled correctly could possibly end friendships, crumble lives and result in anger and bitterness for all parties involved. 

They say that honesty is the best policy, and it is. However, when it comes to dealing with other people's business I feel that sometimes it is best to take the "sit back and watch it unfold" approach. You can be there to help pick up the pieces. 

Raising Children Alone

Kuddos to all you single mom's reading this!! 

The thought of raising three children alone scares me. That was my biggest fear when my husband left me. I would ask myself constantly how the heck I was going to care for my kids all by myself. I saw my mother do it, so I knew it was possible but it wasn't something I wanted to experience for myself. 

I've shared how I filed for divorce and asked my husband to sign over his parental rights and I was scared out of my mind! That would mean I would be the only parent they had. I would have to find a way to provide for them in every way possible all by myself. If you're use to "being taken care of" you forget what it is like to do things on your own. I knew it would be a struggle and I would have help from others but I didn't feel comfortable asking for anything. These were my children, my responsibility. 

As I was trying to figure out how to be a single mom I then started wondering how I would survive as a single woman. What man would want to be with a mom of three? Could I ever date again, or remarry? Was it possible that one day I would be happy again, and my children would once again have a man in their lives that would love them as his own? Would they ever even accept another man that wasn't their father? I knew no man could ever replace their Daddy and I didn't want that, but there was always a possibility that another man could be a part of their lives. I wasn't ready by any means to be with someone else but those were realistic concerns that would pop into my head every now and then. The man I wanted in our lives wasn't present. Was there a man that would one day want me? Want us? 

Then it hit me...my step dad was that type of man. He welcomed my mother and her three children into his life, never showing any doubt he wanted all of us. The person he is reminded me that even though things weren't working out with my husband, it was possible to find a man that would accept me and my children. He has played a very important role in my life and while he isn't my Daddy, he is the man that helped raise me to be the adult I am today. 

I know how fortunate I am to still be with my husband, for my children to be under the same roof as their father and I wouldn't change that for anything. I was a child of divorce; I saw firsthand the struggle my mother went through to provide for my brothers and me. She survived it and she has taught me to be a strong woman, a loving mother and a beautiful human being. Because of her and all the other single mothers I know that are raising their children alone I believe that anything is possible. 

A mother is a mother, with or without a man by her side!! She will do whatever possible to be there for her children, to protect them, provide for them and love them with everything she has in her. 

I admire all of you that have done it and those who are doing it now. You have showed me that if there is ever a day I have to go at it alone I can and will do it. 



You truly are an inspiration!! 

Worst Club Ever!!

It's an exclusive club, not one everyone can be a part of. The only great thing about this club is the amazing support system you gain. I will not hand out invites to the "Betrayed Wives Club". I don't even want to be in this stupid club!! I wanted to turn in my resignation form on day one, unfortunately it comes with a lifetime membership. 

If you can't tell by now, I am having a rough day! Nothing in particular happened, just one of the perks of being in the club. You sit up on your repaired happy throne held up by Elmer's glue, praying it doesn't collapse. When a butterfly lands on it, you admire the beauty in that butterfly and embrace the moment of peace. Ahh...such a sweet moment that is!

Suddenly, a rock falls from the sky, breaks your throne, kills your butterfly and smacks you right on the face. The note on the rock says "no, no, NO...you are NOT supposed to be smiling!"

I have two choices at this point; sit and sulk, reliving painful memories and throwing that same rock that smacked me in the face at my husband. OR I can choose to push the good memories of my marriage to the front and allow my heart to smile again.

Today, I am choosing to toss that rock aside and remembering a special day. I'm replaying our wedding day. All of the planning, excitement and anticipation of becoming husband and wife. Making a promise in front of our family, friends and God to become one. We vowed to stand by each other through our happiest moments AND our darkest times. I see two young people, although scared out of their minds lighting a unity candle. 

It's more symbolic to me almost 15 years later than it was at that very moment. We each held a candle and together we lit one flame. Today that flame is still lit inside of us. There are times it is almost so dim we can't see it, but there are also times it shines so bright that we can see beyond what is just right in front of us. I love those moments! 

If I'm being completely honest, there are times I want to just blow that candle out and smash it to the ground. Not because I no longer want to be one with my husband, but because I would like to light a new candle. A fresh start, a chance for this new flame to never go dim again.

A girl can dream...if I do ever get a new candle I would use it to burn my membership card for that horrible club I'm now a member of. I've now learned how to protect it, how to keep others from going near it. And if all else fails, I feel confident in using it to burn those that try and blow it out!! ;)