I'm Not the Same Person

During our lives we experience different events that change us, some good and some bad. I've come to terms with the fact that I am no longer the same person I once was. I have lost so much of what made me, ME. While I have learned a lot about myself and gained some qualities that have made me a better person it's the ones that I've lost that make my everyday life a struggle at times. 

I will never be the same mother, wife or friend I was before I experienced "life", and while it makes me sad it also gives me a feeling of comfort I've never felt before. 

My children have always been my top priority but I now find myself protecting them from myself and my husband. I keep my worries, fears and tears from being seen by them. They have seen the both of us become people they didn't recognize and in this world we live in they already see so much pain and destruction. If I can keep it from happening in their home I will do my best to do just that. My mommy protection mode is in full force, more so than before! 

I'll never be the same wife I was the day we were married. I was young, naive and head over heels in love with my husband. I experienced pain from him stepping out of our marriage and it made me become this obsessed, broken and sad woman. I find myself spending too much time worrying about what the future holds for us all instead of living in the moment. Before I never use to question his motives, whereabouts or love and I now do. The plus side of all this...I lost sight through all the pain of who my husband really is and I am now seeing once again how wonderful he is as a person.

As far as my friendships go...this is the probably the hardest to swallow. I find myself being very guarded and not wanting to get close to anyone. I keep a very high wall up and there are only a select few I allow to enter. When I meet someone you better believe that I'm searching their eyes, words and actions for anything that doesn't feel right. I know not everyone is a threat to me or my marriage but I've learned that anyone you meet has the potential to strike if given the chance. 

While I'm not the same person I once was I have learned just how fragile life is. I've overcome some major obstacles and although some changes are not so great others have made me a better person. The person I am today.

The 3 D's of a Betrayed Spouse

As a betrayed spouse it's hard not to stop doing the 3 D's...Digging, Dwelling and Doubting. 

Digging is a dangerous game to play. You dig, and dig for clues and holes in your wayward spouse's actions. Even if you find nothing out of the ordinary you still seem to twist things. It's a horrible mind game and it's one I'll admit I struggle with. I can go days, weeks, and months without trying to find hidden secrets and then all of a sudden I find myself going waaay back trying to find anything that would prove my husband is guilty. When I find nothing I end up being the one to feel guilty and yet happy at the same time. Guilty, because I didn't trust him and happy that I didn't find anything. 

Dwelling over what has happened keeps a betrayed spouse from truly moving forward. If we dwell on the bad, we miss out on all the good that is happening. It's as if our life is paused on a sad part of a movie, we keep from making it to the end where the happy ending lies. This is something I have learned not to do, or at least not as much. I don't mean to, but I notice that when I do spend time dwelling on the past it affects the relationship between my husband and myself. It causes me to be sad or mad with him and he senses that and in return he gets upset with me because I'm usually afraid to tell him why I'm in a foul mood. Living in the past is a sure guarantee that you are keeping yourself from embracing what the future has in store for you. 

Doubting...Oh boy, this is a struggle for me that seems to never end. I am an optimistic person, I look for the good in any situation; yet I have so much doubt about my marriage, my husband and myself. There are days I say "He'll never be faithful again" or "It's only a matter of time before he tells me he's leaving." I'm learning that the more I focus on the doubt the more I push my husband away and the more I lose sight of who I am.

Surviving infidelity is a struggle, surviving it while remaining married is even harder. There are long periods of times that it doesn't affect our relationship and then there are times that it stalls or erases the hard work we have put into our marriage. I wish there was an easier way but I've yet to find one. So in the mean time I will continue to grow, heal and hope for a future of pure happiness!! 

A Letter To Myself

Dear Me,

Man, have you been through a lot these past few years. Your life was close to perfect and then something happened that changed it all. The hard work you have had to put in to just keep from drowning is proof that you don't let anything keep you down. You've fought, sometimes alone, to keep your family together and all the while you weren't sure if you were helping them or hurting them. Only time will tell...

Certain circumstances have literally sucked the life out of you, but yet you try to stay positive and poised. On the outside you smile for the world to see but in private there are times you are dying. It's getting better but there are those times you just can't help it. Since you were little your life hasn't always been the easiest. You have seen, heard and felt a lot of pain but you keep going. You always have. 

I often wonder where all the strength you have found over the years came from, then I remember the saying "what doesn't break you, only makes you stronger." As much as you don't want to be strong you have to be. There is so much pressure on you to be strong for your children, yourself and your marriage. Think back at all the times you have had to be but just couldn't, you gave up a few times and where did that leave you? In case you forgot...it left you in a very dark place. It wasn't what you wanted but you chose to give up so you could make someone else happy. 

When you felt unwanted, unloved and broken you wanted so desperately to find someone that gave you all that you were missing. All that Aaron use to give you. You wanted someone to look deep into your heart and protect you. The thought of being with someone else felt comforting, even if you knew they wouldn't have your whole heart. I know that you would have eventually found someone that would respect you, cherish you and deserve you. 

Your marriage was over, divorce in hand, your children were heartbroken and confused. You tried your best to comfort them and show them that if you were ok they would be also. When you thought "what else could go wrong?" life threw yet another curve ball at you. Aaron begged to come back home once again. Your heart was whispering "yes" but your head was screaming "NO." It left you scared, confused and unsure as to what you were supposed to do. You knew you would be taking a huge risk by letting the man that hurt you so badly back into your life. There was one thing you were sure about, if you left him back you would not stop the divorce from happening until he showed you that he was coming back for all the RIGHT reasons. That was in a way your insurance.  

Years have passed and there have been some rough moments, but nothing you couldn't handle. You are learning how to trust again and that isn't an easy task. There are times you are afraid to let go of what has happened and believe that Aaron really does love you. It isn't easy trying to put all the pieces back together, especially when there are others out there that are just waiting for your hard work to crumble. Those people are cruel and although you want to seek revenge on them you know that isn't your job. They will pay for what they have done to you and your kids, just let God handle it. HE has been by your side all this time, even when you thought He abandoned you. It's ok to trust Him again, it will be ok!! And don't worry...Aaron will find his way back to Him also; I know that's something you worry about almost daily. 

I want you to be proud of yourself, you're always telling others how they should be proud of themselves but yet you can't see why you deserve that also. I don't know what life has in store for you or what the future holds, all I know is that with faith, hope and love anything is possible. Enjoy every moment you have, life is too short to spend it questioning the past or worrying about the future. Don't let anyone steal your happiness or the life you fought so long for. Others will try and destroy it because they know where its weakest points are, it's up to you and Aaron to protect it. 

Promise that when your mind starts to stray and you feel defeated you'll remember all the hell you have been through and how far you have come. When others tell you that you are an inspiration BELIEVE IT!  Look at how much you have learned, others you have helped and don't ever let anyone take away your happiness. YOU EARNED IT!!! 

To Know Me Is To Be Me

Do you remember the commercial with the egg and the pan? You know..."this is your brain; this is your brain on drugs."

I can relate to that commercial. My egg is filled with painful memories, fears, worries and at times my heart. The pan is the pain and heartache I have endured. Let me tell you, when that pan smashes my egg it smashes it HARD!!  

I want to share certain details of my rough days. Some of you will understand it all too well. Others will hopefully see just how strong a betrayed spouse has to be. Get ready because it's a sad, bumpy ride.

I am awaken from horrible dreams about what my husband has done, the kind of dreams that feel so real you can't figure out if your still dreaming. After I wipe my tears, take a few deep breaths and realize it was just in my head I have my quiet time, drink my coffee and watch the sun begin to rise. I give myself time to cool down; because I wake up mad at him for everything he has done. I remind myself that the past is behind us, my husband has asked for forgiveness and it's a new day. A day to step forward and embrace where we are at this point in our relationship. I receive my daily "good morning" text or phone call from him and then the guilt of being upset with him hits me. He has no clue that I'm upset, or that I'm mad at him so I usually just let it pass. Other times I will share with him the reason for my sleepless nights. 

As my day goes on I find myself wondering what he's doing, who he's talking to, and whether or not he's remaining faithful. IF I'm lucky the wondering lasts just a few minutes. On my not so lucky days I find myself spending way too much time playing the "what if" game. What if he's with someone? What if he's lying to me? What if today is the day I tell him I can't do this anymore? What if he's not really at work? What if this is the day he tells me he's leaving? What if we aren't supposed to be together? 
OH, DEAR GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!! 

Did you catch that one "what if?" Yes, I do wonder myself if there will be a day that I ask him to leave. He questions it also, he shared with me recently that each day he turns the corner on our street he worries all of his belongings will be on the curb waiting for him. Oddly, I found comfort when he shared that with me. It means that he accepts responsibilities for his poor choices and the effect they have had on me. He understands that I can only take so much and I just hope that he sees how lucky he is to still have me. 

Each afternoon I watch for him to step foot thorough the door, that means he came home to me! I find myself searching his eyes. Is he too quiet? Does he look guilty, or is he too relaxed? If his mood is off it sends my red flags up and I hound him with questions. This doesn't happen too often but when it does I am like a lioness hunting for her next meal. If all seems well I can actually relax and enjoy my time spent with him. 

Between his arrival and bedtime I try not to bring up the past or any feelings I've dealt with during the day. I sometimes succeed and sometimes not. He's learned that if I am too quiet it's because something has surfaced within me. After we talk it out we can move past it, at least until the next wave of emotions come forward. These moments are better sweet, while he hates talking about his past and hearing what I have been thinking of he helps to reassure me that he's here with me because he WANTS to be. 

Nighttime arrives and as he sleeps I often just lie there watching him. My heart and my head take it all in...he's home, he's with me and he's within reach. No reason to search his eyes to see if he's hiding anything. I just stare at him and remember why I love him, what he means to me and how far we have come. I am at peace and now I can be close to the man I love. There are times tears stream down my cheeks, they're both bad and good tears. The bad are for the pain I have suffered by the man I thought could never hurt me and the good are for our love. A love I never want to lose again, a love that I hope is genuine and protected. I fall asleep as he holds me and I that is my safe place.

This has been a slow and painful process, it isn't something that I still deal with on a daily basis, but it is more regular than I would like. I imagine as time goes on my heartache, sad memories, sleepless nights and days of doubt about our future will diminish. At least I like to think so. If only I could see what lies ahead. 

To those of you who also have days like this I want you to know that you are strong, and an amazing person!! I know what it's like to wake each morning, not knowing if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. I too have moments where I am going about my daily tasks and suddenly images, questions, and scenarios take over leaving me sad and heartbroken.

I love my husband, I truly do. If I wasn't someone who believes in hope and love I would have given up a long time ago. Maybe, just maybe everything that I feel can teach me and him the true value of love. I keep reminding myself that if I can't let go of the pain I will never be able to move forward and truly be happy with him. That is my goal, my wish and what I long for the most!!