I can relate to that commercial. My egg is filled with painful memories, fears, worries and at times my heart. The pan is the pain and heartache I have endured. Let me tell you, when that pan smashes my egg it smashes it HARD!!
I want to share certain details of my rough days. Some of you will understand it all too well. Others will hopefully see just how strong a betrayed spouse has to be. Get ready because it's a sad, bumpy ride.
I am awaken from horrible dreams about what my husband has done, the kind of dreams that feel so real you can't figure out if your still dreaming. After I wipe my tears, take a few deep breaths and realize it was just in my head I have my quiet time, drink my coffee and watch the sun begin to rise. I give myself time to cool down; because I wake up mad at him for everything he has done. I remind myself that the past is behind us, my husband has asked for forgiveness and it's a new day. A day to step forward and embrace where we are at this point in our relationship. I receive my daily "good morning" text or phone call from him and then the guilt of being upset with him hits me. He has no clue that I'm upset, or that I'm mad at him so I usually just let it pass. Other times I will share with him the reason for my sleepless nights.
As my day goes on I find myself wondering what he's doing, who he's talking to, and whether or not he's remaining faithful. IF I'm lucky the wondering lasts just a few minutes. On my not so lucky days I find myself spending way too much time playing the "what if" game. What if he's with someone? What if he's lying to me? What if today is the day I tell him I can't do this anymore? What if he's not really at work? What if this is the day he tells me he's leaving? What if we aren't supposed to be together?
OH, DEAR GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!
I am awaken from horrible dreams about what my husband has done, the kind of dreams that feel so real you can't figure out if your still dreaming. After I wipe my tears, take a few deep breaths and realize it was just in my head I have my quiet time, drink my coffee and watch the sun begin to rise. I give myself time to cool down; because I wake up mad at him for everything he has done. I remind myself that the past is behind us, my husband has asked for forgiveness and it's a new day. A day to step forward and embrace where we are at this point in our relationship. I receive my daily "good morning" text or phone call from him and then the guilt of being upset with him hits me. He has no clue that I'm upset, or that I'm mad at him so I usually just let it pass. Other times I will share with him the reason for my sleepless nights.
As my day goes on I find myself wondering what he's doing, who he's talking to, and whether or not he's remaining faithful. IF I'm lucky the wondering lasts just a few minutes. On my not so lucky days I find myself spending way too much time playing the "what if" game. What if he's with someone? What if he's lying to me? What if today is the day I tell him I can't do this anymore? What if he's not really at work? What if this is the day he tells me he's leaving? What if we aren't supposed to be together?
OH, DEAR GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!
Did you catch that one "what if?" Yes, I do wonder myself if there will be a day that I ask him to leave. He questions it also, he shared with me recently that each day he turns the corner on our street he worries all of his belongings will be on the curb waiting for him. Oddly, I found comfort when he shared that with me. It means that he accepts responsibilities for his poor choices and the effect they have had on me. He understands that I can only take so much and I just hope that he sees how lucky he is to still have me.
Each afternoon I watch for him to step foot thorough the door, that means he came home to me! I find myself searching his eyes. Is he too quiet? Does he look guilty, or is he too relaxed? If his mood is off it sends my red flags up and I hound him with questions. This doesn't happen too often but when it does I am like a lioness hunting for her next meal. If all seems well I can actually relax and enjoy my time spent with him.
Between his arrival and bedtime I try not to bring up the past or any feelings I've dealt with during the day. I sometimes succeed and sometimes not. He's learned that if I am too quiet it's because something has surfaced within me. After we talk it out we can move past it, at least until the next wave of emotions come forward. These moments are better sweet, while he hates talking about his past and hearing what I have been thinking of he helps to reassure me that he's here with me because he WANTS to be.
Nighttime arrives and as he sleeps I often just lie there watching him. My heart and my head take it all in...he's home, he's with me and he's within reach. No reason to search his eyes to see if he's hiding anything. I just stare at him and remember why I love him, what he means to me and how far we have come. I am at peace and now I can be close to the man I love. There are times tears stream down my cheeks, they're both bad and good tears. The bad are for the pain I have suffered by the man I thought could never hurt me and the good are for our love. A love I never want to lose again, a love that I hope is genuine and protected. I fall asleep as he holds me and I that is my safe place.
This has been a slow and painful process, it isn't something that I still deal with on a daily basis, but it is more regular than I would like. I imagine as time goes on my heartache, sad memories, sleepless nights and days of doubt about our future will diminish. At least I like to think so. If only I could see what lies ahead.
To those of you who also have days like this I want you to know that you are strong, and an amazing person!! I know what it's like to wake each morning, not knowing if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. I too have moments where I am going about my daily tasks and suddenly images, questions, and scenarios take over leaving me sad and heartbroken.
I love my husband, I truly do. If I wasn't someone who believes in hope and love I would have given up a long time ago. Maybe, just maybe everything that I feel can teach me and him the true value of love. I keep reminding myself that if I can't let go of the pain I will never be able to move forward and truly be happy with him. That is my goal, my wish and what I long for the most!!
Each afternoon I watch for him to step foot thorough the door, that means he came home to me! I find myself searching his eyes. Is he too quiet? Does he look guilty, or is he too relaxed? If his mood is off it sends my red flags up and I hound him with questions. This doesn't happen too often but when it does I am like a lioness hunting for her next meal. If all seems well I can actually relax and enjoy my time spent with him.
Between his arrival and bedtime I try not to bring up the past or any feelings I've dealt with during the day. I sometimes succeed and sometimes not. He's learned that if I am too quiet it's because something has surfaced within me. After we talk it out we can move past it, at least until the next wave of emotions come forward. These moments are better sweet, while he hates talking about his past and hearing what I have been thinking of he helps to reassure me that he's here with me because he WANTS to be.
Nighttime arrives and as he sleeps I often just lie there watching him. My heart and my head take it all in...he's home, he's with me and he's within reach. No reason to search his eyes to see if he's hiding anything. I just stare at him and remember why I love him, what he means to me and how far we have come. I am at peace and now I can be close to the man I love. There are times tears stream down my cheeks, they're both bad and good tears. The bad are for the pain I have suffered by the man I thought could never hurt me and the good are for our love. A love I never want to lose again, a love that I hope is genuine and protected. I fall asleep as he holds me and I that is my safe place.
This has been a slow and painful process, it isn't something that I still deal with on a daily basis, but it is more regular than I would like. I imagine as time goes on my heartache, sad memories, sleepless nights and days of doubt about our future will diminish. At least I like to think so. If only I could see what lies ahead.
To those of you who also have days like this I want you to know that you are strong, and an amazing person!! I know what it's like to wake each morning, not knowing if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. I too have moments where I am going about my daily tasks and suddenly images, questions, and scenarios take over leaving me sad and heartbroken.I love my husband, I truly do. If I wasn't someone who believes in hope and love I would have given up a long time ago. Maybe, just maybe everything that I feel can teach me and him the true value of love. I keep reminding myself that if I can't let go of the pain I will never be able to move forward and truly be happy with him. That is my goal, my wish and what I long for the most!!
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