Should I Stay or Should I Go

I know that I am probably in a small group of people that decide to reconcile after an affair. My husband and I always had an agreement, even before marriage, that if one of us cheated we would divorce. So you could imagine how those words haunted me after I discovered I wasn't married to the perfect man I thought he was. It wasn't as simple as I thought it would be, we now had children involved and a history that we built as one. Unless you've lived it you have no idea how you will handle any situation. Whether it's an illness, loss or marriage dilemmas you can't say "I would do this..." It doesn't work that way, at least not for the weak and I consider myself at that time a person who was weak. I wasn't strong enough to say "you cheated; now you have to leave and never return." 

Am I happy I made the decision to reconcile?? Hmm...yes and no. Through all of the depression, anxiety, fears and wondering I would have said "no." That was a time in my life that was dark and it turned me into someone I no longer recognized. I didn't know the person I saw in the mirror. What I saw was a sad and pathetic woman that was too afraid to lose everything. This unrecognizable woman didn't have one ounce of trust in her husband and couldn't even tell you why she stayed with him. The only answer I could give was that I loved him and even then I wasn't completely sure. I was hopeful things would turn around for us and although I lost my faith I still believed that if we were meant to be together God would bring us back to the place I felt safe. 

Today I would say my answer to the decision to reconcile is "yes." After reality set in and I realized that I chose to take a risk and stay with my husband I was able to begin working towards accepting what had happened. I was determined to work as hard as possible to make our marriage work and be happy again. I often feel as though we were put to a test to see how much we mean to one another. Who knew it would take years of hard work just to find happiness again. We both learned what does and doesn't work in our relationship and ways to help each other along the way. I have no regrets and although there were times I wanted to throw in the towel I didn't. 

I feel that those who choose to reconcile must know that it isn't an easy process. There will be days you feel like giving up or that things just aren't getting better. I want you to step back and truly see how far you've come. You may be surprised at how much stronger, happier and positive you are than you were just yesterday. We get so hung up on why we are hurting that we can't see the accomplishments we've made to get to where we are now. 

I can't tell people what they should do in any situation, but I can say that if you want something bad enough you will do whatever it takes to keep it. If you do choose to work it out I have to advise that you know the full truth of the situation. Work on forgiving your spouse or otherwise the unknown will keep you from moving forward. I fought like hell to keep my marriage intact and I will continue to do so...this time I have my husband to fight with me. A marriage is something that is precious, it's a union that no one should separate and unfortunately there are people (including spouses) that succeed at tearing it apart. It's our job to protect it and fight for it. If the relationship and love are strong enough reconciliation can be successful and make you an incredibly strong couple. Best of luck to those who choose the path that keeps you together!! 

I'm Not the Same Person

During our lives we experience different events that change us, some good and some bad. I've come to terms with the fact that I am no longer the same person I once was. I have lost so much of what made me, ME. While I have learned a lot about myself and gained some qualities that have made me a better person it's the ones that I've lost that make my everyday life a struggle at times. 

I will never be the same mother, wife or friend I was before I experienced "life", and while it makes me sad it also gives me a feeling of comfort I've never felt before. 

My children have always been my top priority but I now find myself protecting them from myself and my husband. I keep my worries, fears and tears from being seen by them. They have seen the both of us become people they didn't recognize and in this world we live in they already see so much pain and destruction. If I can keep it from happening in their home I will do my best to do just that. My mommy protection mode is in full force, more so than before! 

I'll never be the same wife I was the day we were married. I was young, naive and head over heels in love with my husband. I experienced pain from him stepping out of our marriage and it made me become this obsessed, broken and sad woman. I find myself spending too much time worrying about what the future holds for us all instead of living in the moment. Before I never use to question his motives, whereabouts or love and I now do. The plus side of all this...I lost sight through all the pain of who my husband really is and I am now seeing once again how wonderful he is as a person.

As far as my friendships go...this is the probably the hardest to swallow. I find myself being very guarded and not wanting to get close to anyone. I keep a very high wall up and there are only a select few I allow to enter. When I meet someone you better believe that I'm searching their eyes, words and actions for anything that doesn't feel right. I know not everyone is a threat to me or my marriage but I've learned that anyone you meet has the potential to strike if given the chance. 

While I'm not the same person I once was I have learned just how fragile life is. I've overcome some major obstacles and although some changes are not so great others have made me a better person. The person I am today.

The 3 D's of a Betrayed Spouse

As a betrayed spouse it's hard not to stop doing the 3 D's...Digging, Dwelling and Doubting. 

Digging is a dangerous game to play. You dig, and dig for clues and holes in your wayward spouse's actions. Even if you find nothing out of the ordinary you still seem to twist things. It's a horrible mind game and it's one I'll admit I struggle with. I can go days, weeks, and months without trying to find hidden secrets and then all of a sudden I find myself going waaay back trying to find anything that would prove my husband is guilty. When I find nothing I end up being the one to feel guilty and yet happy at the same time. Guilty, because I didn't trust him and happy that I didn't find anything. 

Dwelling over what has happened keeps a betrayed spouse from truly moving forward. If we dwell on the bad, we miss out on all the good that is happening. It's as if our life is paused on a sad part of a movie, we keep from making it to the end where the happy ending lies. This is something I have learned not to do, or at least not as much. I don't mean to, but I notice that when I do spend time dwelling on the past it affects the relationship between my husband and myself. It causes me to be sad or mad with him and he senses that and in return he gets upset with me because I'm usually afraid to tell him why I'm in a foul mood. Living in the past is a sure guarantee that you are keeping yourself from embracing what the future has in store for you. 

Doubting...Oh boy, this is a struggle for me that seems to never end. I am an optimistic person, I look for the good in any situation; yet I have so much doubt about my marriage, my husband and myself. There are days I say "He'll never be faithful again" or "It's only a matter of time before he tells me he's leaving." I'm learning that the more I focus on the doubt the more I push my husband away and the more I lose sight of who I am.

Surviving infidelity is a struggle, surviving it while remaining married is even harder. There are long periods of times that it doesn't affect our relationship and then there are times that it stalls or erases the hard work we have put into our marriage. I wish there was an easier way but I've yet to find one. So in the mean time I will continue to grow, heal and hope for a future of pure happiness!! 

A Peaceful Heart

Happy Sunday!

I woke this morning with pain in my neck and shoulders, a headache that has yet to subside and a feisty eight year old upset about what to wear. BUT....My heart was at peace!

Those listed above are a nuisance but they can easily be remedied. My heart on the other hand isn't as easy to quiet down. The times it is at peace I can see all the wonderful blessings in my life and in my marriage. I smiled and thanked God, for a great start to a new day and for my husband. 

I've had a rough couple of nights and my husband has been there to comfort me. His reassuring words, and heartfelt gestures to calm me have kept me from falling off the ledge. He knows how tough things can be for me and he understands completely when I have those moments that interrupt our lives. He says "I created the monster in you", and he's right. This is all his doing but only I can control my feelings. I am the one that can decide to wake up happy or sad and today I didn't have to choose...my heart chose for me. It's as though there was this voice whispering "everything in your life is going great, enjoy it." 

My plan for the day is to create new memories with my family, snapshot every moment and at the end of the day when I lay my head down I will ask God for another day of peace. For many this may seem like an eye rolling moment, but for me and others like me it is a glimpse of hope. It's the kind of moment we wish for every time we open our eyes.  

Have a great day! 

A Letter To Myself

Dear Me,

Man, have you been through a lot these past few years. Your life was close to perfect and then something happened that changed it all. The hard work you have had to put in to just keep from drowning is proof that you don't let anything keep you down. You've fought, sometimes alone, to keep your family together and all the while you weren't sure if you were helping them or hurting them. Only time will tell...

Certain circumstances have literally sucked the life out of you, but yet you try to stay positive and poised. On the outside you smile for the world to see but in private there are times you are dying. It's getting better but there are those times you just can't help it. Since you were little your life hasn't always been the easiest. You have seen, heard and felt a lot of pain but you keep going. You always have. 

I often wonder where all the strength you have found over the years came from, then I remember the saying "what doesn't break you, only makes you stronger." As much as you don't want to be strong you have to be. There is so much pressure on you to be strong for your children, yourself and your marriage. Think back at all the times you have had to be but just couldn't, you gave up a few times and where did that leave you? In case you forgot...it left you in a very dark place. It wasn't what you wanted but you chose to give up so you could make someone else happy. 

When you felt unwanted, unloved and broken you wanted so desperately to find someone that gave you all that you were missing. All that Aaron use to give you. You wanted someone to look deep into your heart and protect you. The thought of being with someone else felt comforting, even if you knew they wouldn't have your whole heart. I know that you would have eventually found someone that would respect you, cherish you and deserve you. 

Your marriage was over, divorce in hand, your children were heartbroken and confused. You tried your best to comfort them and show them that if you were ok they would be also. When you thought "what else could go wrong?" life threw yet another curve ball at you. Aaron begged to come back home once again. Your heart was whispering "yes" but your head was screaming "NO." It left you scared, confused and unsure as to what you were supposed to do. You knew you would be taking a huge risk by letting the man that hurt you so badly back into your life. There was one thing you were sure about, if you left him back you would not stop the divorce from happening until he showed you that he was coming back for all the RIGHT reasons. That was in a way your insurance.  

Years have passed and there have been some rough moments, but nothing you couldn't handle. You are learning how to trust again and that isn't an easy task. There are times you are afraid to let go of what has happened and believe that Aaron really does love you. It isn't easy trying to put all the pieces back together, especially when there are others out there that are just waiting for your hard work to crumble. Those people are cruel and although you want to seek revenge on them you know that isn't your job. They will pay for what they have done to you and your kids, just let God handle it. HE has been by your side all this time, even when you thought He abandoned you. It's ok to trust Him again, it will be ok!! And don't worry...Aaron will find his way back to Him also; I know that's something you worry about almost daily. 

I want you to be proud of yourself, you're always telling others how they should be proud of themselves but yet you can't see why you deserve that also. I don't know what life has in store for you or what the future holds, all I know is that with faith, hope and love anything is possible. Enjoy every moment you have, life is too short to spend it questioning the past or worrying about the future. Don't let anyone steal your happiness or the life you fought so long for. Others will try and destroy it because they know where its weakest points are, it's up to you and Aaron to protect it. 

Promise that when your mind starts to stray and you feel defeated you'll remember all the hell you have been through and how far you have come. When others tell you that you are an inspiration BELIEVE IT!  Look at how much you have learned, others you have helped and don't ever let anyone take away your happiness. YOU EARNED IT!!! 

My Rants For The Day

Ok, I may make some mad but let me begin by saying this...

If anything I say stings in some way then that isn't my fault, it's your own guilt talking to you. I need to get some stuff off my chest and while it isn't everything, these are a few at the top of my list. Now let me begin my rant. :)

Women, if you present yourself in a certain way you are going to attract what you put out there. Show some class and respect for yourself or stop complaining about how men disrespect you and use you. 

Men, if you have a rare gem at home don't go looking for some dirty little stone that others can easily pick up. In other words...don't fall for the nastiness walking around out there. Protect your gem before it gets taken by someone who knows the true value of it. A truly beautiful woman isn't going to just let any man near her jewels. 

Never, ever complain about your spouse to the opposite sex...they will use that as ammo and strike!! You are handing them your weaknesses and allowing them to use it to their advantage. 

When someone flirts with you and you feel the urge to flirt back, pick up the phone and say those sweet things to your husband or wife instead. When was the last time you called your wife beautiful or your husband handsome? If you can't remember, then right now is the perfect time to do so. 

If your relationship is a secret they are ashamed of you. You are NOT the exception to the rule, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise. 

When you start deleting texts or hiding secrets from your spouse you are already in too deep. If you're telling yourself "it's just a friend" why not let your spouse keep your phone for a day. Bet you change your tune then. 

If you say you're sorry, MEAN IT!! SHOW IT!! Otherwise, remove that word from your vocabulary because you don't know what it means to be truly sorry. 

Before you cheat think about everyone your actions will impact...especially your children! Is it worth it?!  

You are not the victim if you have an affair with a married man or woman. The betrayed spouse is the victim, not you!! 

If you have had an affair you better be doing everything in your power to show your spouse you are remorseful. If they want to reconcile with you, be glad they are willing to work it out with you after all the pain you have caused them. Be sympathetic and patient to their feelings, you are the one that put them in that state. 

Do not blame the "other man/woman" for your actions. You chose to flirt with disaster and step outside of your marriage. Take responsibility for what YOU did. 

Why is it that we always want more than what we have? I say "we" because lets face it...at some point we want more, whether it be money, love, affection, attention or approval. When we aren't getting what we want we look for it in all the wrong places. 


Lastly....

What goes through a person's head when they try and destroy the lives of others??? Are they that unhappy with their own lives that they feel justified in wrecking someone else's? I know what it is...they are cold-hearted, mean and just plain selfish! In no way are they a "good" person. If they were they wouldn't be so nasty! Normal people do not go around destroying the lives of others. 


What goes around comes around. I am a firm believer in karma...good and bad. People get what they dish out, eventually everything comes full circle and some of us will be beyond blessed while others will live a life of regrets and sorrow that they have caused.  

Ahhh....I feel better now. :)

Would You, Could You?

I have a question to ask you all...

If you knew a person was cheating on their spouse would you tell them? 

I know it seems like a very easy question to answer, but if you give it some thought it becomes quite difficult to just automatically say yes or no. You want to blurt out "yes" because that would be the right thing to do. However, do you really want to be the one to deliver the message that would devastate a marriage, a family, and the lives of innocent children? You risk damaging a family, even though you personally have nothing to do with the affair. 

The "no" part of you wants to stay out of it because it isn't your business. If it isn't your spouse, you don't care to get involved. You know that eventually the secret will be out and you will have had nothing to do with any of the devastation that follows.

So, you're probably wondering what my answer is....

I choose to plead the 5th!! ;)

Honestly, I don't know if I would tell the betrayed spouse. I'm sure some are saying "how could you not, you've lived it?" You're right, I have lived it, and its hell. I wouldn't want to be the one to drop that bomb, BUT it depends on the situation. If it was someone I knew that had a history of cheating I would feel the truth, even if it was from me, was necessary. The first thing I would do is talk to the person having the affair, knowing me I would give them an ultimatum. You tell or I tell! 

I feel that it's not my place to interfere in someone else's business, especially their marriage. As much as I would want someone to tell me I don't know that I could be the one to return the favor. I've had someone withhold the truth from me and while I was upset with her at the time, I do understand why she chose to remain quiet. It's a delicate situation and one that if not handled correctly could possibly end friendships, crumble lives and result in anger and bitterness for all parties involved. 

They say that honesty is the best policy, and it is. However, when it comes to dealing with other people's business I feel that sometimes it is best to take the "sit back and watch it unfold" approach. You can be there to help pick up the pieces. 

Raising Children Alone

Kuddos to all you single mom's reading this!! 

The thought of raising three children alone scares me. That was my biggest fear when my husband left me. I would ask myself constantly how the heck I was going to care for my kids all by myself. I saw my mother do it, so I knew it was possible but it wasn't something I wanted to experience for myself. 

I've shared how I filed for divorce and asked my husband to sign over his parental rights and I was scared out of my mind! That would mean I would be the only parent they had. I would have to find a way to provide for them in every way possible all by myself. If you're use to "being taken care of" you forget what it is like to do things on your own. I knew it would be a struggle and I would have help from others but I didn't feel comfortable asking for anything. These were my children, my responsibility. 

As I was trying to figure out how to be a single mom I then started wondering how I would survive as a single woman. What man would want to be with a mom of three? Could I ever date again, or remarry? Was it possible that one day I would be happy again, and my children would once again have a man in their lives that would love them as his own? Would they ever even accept another man that wasn't their father? I knew no man could ever replace their Daddy and I didn't want that, but there was always a possibility that another man could be a part of their lives. I wasn't ready by any means to be with someone else but those were realistic concerns that would pop into my head every now and then. The man I wanted in our lives wasn't present. Was there a man that would one day want me? Want us? 

Then it hit me...my step dad was that type of man. He welcomed my mother and her three children into his life, never showing any doubt he wanted all of us. The person he is reminded me that even though things weren't working out with my husband, it was possible to find a man that would accept me and my children. He has played a very important role in my life and while he isn't my Daddy, he is the man that helped raise me to be the adult I am today. 

I know how fortunate I am to still be with my husband, for my children to be under the same roof as their father and I wouldn't change that for anything. I was a child of divorce; I saw firsthand the struggle my mother went through to provide for my brothers and me. She survived it and she has taught me to be a strong woman, a loving mother and a beautiful human being. Because of her and all the other single mothers I know that are raising their children alone I believe that anything is possible. 

A mother is a mother, with or without a man by her side!! She will do whatever possible to be there for her children, to protect them, provide for them and love them with everything she has in her. 

I admire all of you that have done it and those who are doing it now. You have showed me that if there is ever a day I have to go at it alone I can and will do it. 



You truly are an inspiration!!