Spare Me No Detail

I am a person that NEEDS to know details, I need to know the good, the bad and the ugly of any situation. My husband's affair was no different. I talked myself out of it for a while but I knew that if I didn't find out everything I could my imagination would run wild. My husband, of course, didn't want to share because he knew I would be hurt all over again but he did as I asked and I imagine that in some ways it might have been a relief for him. At that point there were no more secrets for him to be hiding. 

In my head I felt that if I knew everything I could move on faster. That plan backfired because years later I still have good days and bad days. I still have nights I dream of what I know about the situation and the wounds still hurt from time to time. Being hard headed and knowing the consequences of my wanting to know I still pushed to find out everything. I know...sick and twisted!! I'll explain how it helped, so keep an open mind if you would because some may not understand.  

Before I knew details I had my own ideas of what happened, I would imagine all sorts of different scenarios and none of them were good. I thought the worst possible things and I learned that my imagination can go pretty far and to a very ugly place. It's as if I was mentally writing a book, and it wasn't a romance novel, that's for sure. Instead, it was a gut wrenching picture book. I found myself getting so mad at my husband and I was torturing myself by not knowing actual details, actual facts. 

After he agreed to spill I asked every question imaginable, and I knew I wouldn't like hearing it but I went for it. I figured I wouldn't get this chance so easily again. I didn't want him to sugarcoat anything and I asked that no matter what I wanted to know he tell me the absolute truth. It would leave me at peace in a way. I would no longer have to wonder what happened and my mind didn't have any chance to think up it's own ugly story. I know that sounds like a crazy request but I have spoken to other women that have been in my shoes and they too agree. Knowing the truth and what comes with it does help in many ways. 

I'll admit, it was very hard to listen to and hearing your husband tell you what he did, said and felt during his affair does hurt, oh my gosh how it hurts! BUT it actually does help with the moving on process. I'm glad I was strong enough to stomach it all and in many ways it wasn't as bad as I dreamed up on my own. Now, don't get me wrong...what I learned was horrible. It was more of what he would tell her, especially about our marriage and how he described me that was hard, harder than hearing what they did. 

It was something he and I could try to bury and I didn't have to sit and wonder any longer. For him it was a chance to no longer hold on to secrets and for me it was an opportunity to test his honesty.

Some may be wondering if there are times I regret wanting to know the details...absolutely NOT!! My darn imagination is far worse and I was able to rid myself of all the "I bet this happened, and I'm sure he told her this and that?" I closed my nasty, depressing picture book for good!! 

I Love You, But...

Not enough to tell you or any else the truth.....

As a betrayed spouse it's hard to know that your husband/wife tells another person they want and love them. They tell them anything and everything it takes to make that person believe they are special and they are the only one they want to be with. All the while they are at home telling their spouse the exact same things. The only difference is they are more than likely bashing their spouse, complaining how miserable they are and how they want to leave them but just can't for whatever reasons.

Little does their affair partner know that more than likely they had every opportunity to leave anytime they wanted. Nothing holding them back or tying them down. They may say that but in my opinion that's just their way of being too cowardly to actually leave their spouse for someone they know they have no desire of a future with. The affair partner is just a temporary fix; someone who is willing to devalue themselves until they get tossed aside by the very person that promised them everything they never intended to deliver. Almost like a toy, you get bored with it and then move on to something else that looks more fun.  

My husband is the perfect example of that type of person. He has always said he felt that I guilted him into staying with me, that I would take his children away from him, his family would disown him, I would take him "to the cleaners" for every dime he has...the list goes on and on. I will admit that years ago, I did try and change his mind, I did beg him to stay; I reminded him of what he would be losing and asked him if that's what he truly wanted. As time went on, and even to this day I tell him that I will no longer beg him to stay, he can have whatever he wants and I would want nothing more to do with him if he were to leave. That is my personal preference; I couldn't face him knowing that he was no longer mine. I have given him an out many times if he was or is unhappy and with that comes no guilt, begging, sympathy or strings attached. He knows and has always known that he is free to go and do as he pleases with whoever he chooses. 

I know he held that truth to others, he has admitted to me that he blames me when he has to explain why he has said he "has" to stay with me. He makes me out to be the bad guy that is twisting his arm to stay, the one who MAKES him stay or he will lose everything. Isn't it funny how that happens? **eyes rolling** It just proves that anyone stupid enough to have an affair with a married man will fall for anything! Honestly, it pisses me off when I hear a person say "he/she is only staying with their spouse because they are being forced to." or "it must suck to be so miserable and HAVE to stay or they'll lose everything." Come on, how ignorant can anyone really be to believe that? Well...never mind....this is the same person who is willing to be with a married person.

I know it's ridiculous to believe my husband, or any person willing to cheat could actually be a liar! (Sarcastic tone and more eye rolling)

The truth is...when you are starting a relationship based on lies and deceit do you really trust you can believe ANYTHING they tell you? I'll give credit where credit is due...if you don't know they are married you will believe what they say. However, if you know they are married and you think they are feeding their spouse lies and you the truth you are a damn fool!! They may tell you they love only you, you're beautiful, you're special, you make them feel loved and wanted. Be honest with yourself...did they leave you to go back home to their spouse? IF they really felt all those things about you they wouldn't be lying to you in the first place and they sure wouldn't be returning home to their spouse every night. They would leave their spouse and live that life they promise you, instead of the one they claim is sooo miserable. 

I have asked my husband, before writing this post as a matter of fact, if my take on it is correct and his response was "yes". Saying what a person wants to hear is a guarantee that they will agree to continue seeing you. They are merely just another distraction until the next willing body comes along. It's a sad, sad game that is played and unfortunately there are no winners. 

Every Scar Has A Story

We all have scars, some more than others and each one tells a different story. Let yours be a constant remembrance of what you've overcome. 

I know it sounds horrible, but I don't want anyone to "pity" me or my situation. I don't like the thought of someone feeling sorry for me. I shrink on the inside when I hear the words "I'm sorry this happened to you".

I appreciate it very much, I really do. I know it's said with compassion, and it's a person's way of telling me they care about me. However, when I hear those words it makes me feel as if I am a victim, as if they feel sorry for me. Maybe it's the attention I don't like, the fact that I don't want to burden others when I have "bad" days or the history of my drama filled life.

What I hear is "You poor, poor woman, your life must be so miserable." I'm sure that's not what they mean at all (at least not the majority who say it) but I often feel the need to defend myself and my marriage. 

The truth is...my life is not bad at all. Yes, our marriage has suffered a great deal in the past and it has taken years to rebuild but we are making it. We still continue to do so and each day that passes is another day proven that we made the right decision to work on and save our marriage. 

I have overcome so many obsticles in these past few years. Yes, YEARS! Surviving infedility isn't an overnight healing process. I take each day, obsticle and moment as a blessing. I am proud of how far I have come and each time I am knocked down I get back up. It may take a while but I do it! I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel that if I do others will also. My scars are my story, my reminder that I am alive and I can overcome anything that comes my way. Those scars are what have made me who I am today. I have survived everything life has dealt me from a very young age and I don't intend to give up now. 

Waiting To Be Happy

When it rains, it pours. In my life that is usually the case. I'm a pretty positive person and I try very hard not to be a pessamist. I hate the "woe is me" mentality and when I go there I take a step back and think of all the good in my current situation.

I've shared before how I feel like I can't let myself be happy. It's not a fun feeling and it leaves me questioning whether or not I will ever allow myself to be. I struggle with that because when I am happy things fall apart.

I can be doing so well, feeling great about my marriage and in a wonderful state of mind and then we get hit with something. Why? No clue, but I sure would love to know. There have been accusations about my husband, hidden feelings we're afraid to discuss, doubt that we can actually be happy again and the past being brought back up. Just to name a few.

I know some can be avoided and we are still a work in progress. When people know of your struggles, weaknesses and fears they use them against you to try and bring you down when you're finally on top. Constant hits make you question everything and for me those hits are sometimes devastating.

There are times I feel as though being happy is just not something that is meant for me. My husband says it's because I'm so strong, but I'm tired of being strong. There are times I want to be weak and helpless and let my husband be the strong one for a change. The few times I have he does step up and take the burden off of me but I usually don't let him know when I need him to take the reigns. I just keep on taking whatever life throws at me and patiently wait for my turn at true happiness. I know its there, I've had my hands on it before. 

Being strong has its downfalls, you take it all on yourself and refuse to let others take over. I'm ready to do that and I'm going to finally let him be strong for the both of us and take whatever is thrown our way. I've kept it all on my shoulders and its time to let him take care of me. 

My Husband's Depression

I've spoken about my depression and how bad it became and I feel it's only right that I share my husband's also. It may shed a little light on his actions. His has been going on for several years, some treated and some not. I really can't say when it all began but I can say that when he was working nights I started noticing changes in him. He was tired all the time from his work schedule, but I started noticing a difference in being tired and choosing to stay in bed to sleep his problems away. When he was awake he seemed to show anger towards me and anything I said resorted in him getting mad and storming out. He went from never wanting to do anything by himself to now wanting time alone and pushing me away. This went on until I confronted him about everything, after I had learned the truth things only got worse. He seemed to resent me and became more distant than ever. 

After discovering why he had been acting so bizarre his moods seemed to intensify and he spent all of his time sleeping and distancing himself from everyone around him. When he was around me and the children, he would become very quiet; he would only interact when we would point out his behavior. When I would ask what was wrong I would get a frown and a head nod. I didn't realize that he was depressed; I just figured he was up to no good and he wasn't sharing his feelings with me so I didn't suspect depression. 

My husband isn't one to drink alcohol unless he is in a social setting. He was now bringing the alcohol home and he would drink until it was all gone. As he would sit and drink alone his depression would surface along with thoughts about anything and everything he was unhappy about. He went from being happy while he was drinking to violently angry, so angry that it landed him in jail a more than once. ***Never violent towards myself or our children*** I feel I need to add that so people don't assume he ever laid a hand on us.

If I brought up his drinking or asked him to stop or slow down he would drink more out of spite. We have had two incidents at our home where he has had to be taken to the hospital for trying to hurt himself. I will not go too much into detail about both but I would like to share a little about each time. I want people to understand that depression is not something that should be ignored, taken lightly or passed off as something minor. 

Not too long ago my husband tried to drink his blues away and it resulted in him holding a gun to his head. As much as I tried talking him down I was the last person he wanted around him. When I would ask him why he felt his life was so miserable he would just say that he wasn't happy and felt he couldn't do anything right. Never giving me a full explanation as to what he meant. Thankfully, his friend was able to talk him down and the police arrived to get him the help he needed. I knew that night that there was something seriously wrong with Aaron's mental state. Watching your husband hold a gun to his head is not something you forget, especially when your children are in close proximity. I have not told him this but that night a part of me died. I saw how unhappy he truly was and it wasn't until after his second incident, taking a handful of prescription medication, that I began to understand the reasons behind it all.

Guilt and a need for attention! Guilt, for everything he has done, was doing and a fear of history repeating itself. He shared with me that he didn't know how it all happened but he is afraid that he will mess up again and this time he will lose me for good. Because I am honest with him I told him that I wasn't buying into that. IF he doesn't want it to happen then he needs to man up and remain faithful instead of giving into temptation for a woman that isn't willing to respect our marriage. He needs to respect me and what we have or it's time to end things once and for all.

As far as attention goes, well that's one I have yet to fully understand. My husband gets my attention, sometimes more than my own children do so for him to say he wanted attention was a little unsettling for me. If he wanted to let it be known he wasn't happy he could have spared us all and used his words, not a gun to his head. He was diagnosed with severe depression and so far, fingers crossed, he is in a better state of mind. He has become more open and shares with me how he is feeling. There are still times it's like trying to pull teeth to get him to open up but he is trying. I hope he learned that he can depend on me for support and share with me his deepest darkest feelings. I don't ever want him to feel that he should be embarrassed to share anything with me. The day I married him I accepted him for who he was, knowing he would have moments that were not so perfect. I also want him to realize that when he is feeling depressed he has a group of people that are here to help him get through it. 

I cringe when I hear people say depression is just a state of mind. It's not, it's something serious and until you have lived it you don't fully understand the toll it takes on a person. We hear so much about people that have lived years being depressed and it resulted in them taking their own lives. I am begging anyone reading this, please get help if you are feeling depressed. If you feel that life isn't worth living and your problems are too big to fix you are wrong. Your life is far too precious!! 

Living In A Mental Funk

If you've been following me I'm sure you've noticed how I have been sort of quiet lately. The truth is, I've been having a hard time lately and I have been in a mental funk. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I am so mad at myself for it. I have absolutely no reason for it but I just can't stop what goes through my head. Oh how I wish I could erase my memory of all of this to keep my mind from reminding my heart of what it has been through.

I have had no reason at all to doubt my husband's faithfulness yet I can't stop worrying and remembering. The constant questioning of whether he's happy, if he loves me, and will he leave? For some reason I cannot let myself just be happy and enjoy things the way they are. When I start to feel safe, secure and happy I pull back and quietly let myself go back to my little corner and sulk. How do I keep from doing that? Why do I do that? Why am I so afraid to be happy? 

I am still mentally living in the past from time to time and I know it's not healthy. I let my mind take over and before I know it I am reliving everything I have been through. The best way I know to describe it is waking from a horrible nightmare only to close my eyes and go right back to where I left off. The pain I have let go in the past is back and very fresh at this moment. The details of it all are being replayed over and over in my head and oh the heartache is ever present again. 

I know this will pass, and I can only wonder if it is all happening again because I have poured my heart and soul into my writing. It has helped me in so many ways but it has also opened so many wounds. I haven't felt this in a very long time and I wanted to share it with those reading this. Especially to the ones that can relate to my story, you know better than anyone else how it feels to take one step forward and two steps back. Hang in there and stay positive, this does get easier. I know that one statement makes no sense seeing how I just explained the funk I have been in but it is temporary. WE will get through this, and we will be rewarded for our pain one day. At least that's what I choose to believe. Keep your head up, smile through the tears and be strong because you are not alone!! 

Talk It Out

Relationships are tough, whether you're married or dating. You're going to argue and you'll say things you will later regret. You'll give each other the silent treatment and some nights you'll even go to bed mad. Your partner will no doubt make you mad enough to want to pull your hair out. There will be disagreements and times you'll give into something you don't want to do or agree with. There might even be times you want to walk out the door and never look back.

Welcome to sharing your life with someone else!! You go through all of the above (and then some) with your significant other and the big question is....WHY?! I'll tell you why. You love them. You adore them. You cherish the good times spent and there's just something about them that makes your heart smile. That is why you put up with them and that is why they put up with you!

Repeat after me..."I can't expect them to be perfect because neither am I. I have faults and I too can be a huge pain in the ass!"

It is no secret that my husband has a ton of faults. A TON!! I'm not perfect and who am I to constantly complain about him not being perfect either? If he's wrong, I tell him and he does the same for me, if we're feeling nice we do it with love. ;) When I'm in a bad mood he's quick to figure out why, as I am with him. We disagree at times and we try to find a way to compromise and not belittle each other in the process. Sometimes it's easier to just agree to disagree. When we have a problem we work through it together, even if it means we take a breather first.

Too many times I hear that couples are unhappy but yet they haven't told each other exactly why. If you can't be 100% open with your partner there is something wrong. It's easy to talk about how great things are going in our relationships but we have a hard time pointing out the bad. I sometimes think it's because we are so worried we may upset each other. The last thing we want is to make them feel judged, mad, sad or embarrassed, so we hold back. Instead of saying, "I'm not happy and here's why"..."you do this and I don't like it", we keep it to ourselves and let it build up until the day it ALL comes out at once.

That's the day we spit out regrets, point out faults and ultimately hurt the one we really do care about. The one that puts up with our imperfections. Unfortunately, we forget that part. It takes a lot of work and patience to make a relationship a succcess.

It's easy to walk away when things get tough but if you work through it together the reward is amazing!