My Husband's Depression

I've spoken about my depression and how bad it became and I feel it's only right that I share my husband's also. It may shed a little light on his actions. His has been going on for several years, some treated and some not. I really can't say when it all began but I can say that when he was working nights I started noticing changes in him. He was tired all the time from his work schedule, but I started noticing a difference in being tired and choosing to stay in bed to sleep his problems away. When he was awake he seemed to show anger towards me and anything I said resorted in him getting mad and storming out. He went from never wanting to do anything by himself to now wanting time alone and pushing me away. This went on until I confronted him about everything, after I had learned the truth things only got worse. He seemed to resent me and became more distant than ever. 

After discovering why he had been acting so bizarre his moods seemed to intensify and he spent all of his time sleeping and distancing himself from everyone around him. When he was around me and the children, he would become very quiet; he would only interact when we would point out his behavior. When I would ask what was wrong I would get a frown and a head nod. I didn't realize that he was depressed; I just figured he was up to no good and he wasn't sharing his feelings with me so I didn't suspect depression. 

My husband isn't one to drink alcohol unless he is in a social setting. He was now bringing the alcohol home and he would drink until it was all gone. As he would sit and drink alone his depression would surface along with thoughts about anything and everything he was unhappy about. He went from being happy while he was drinking to violently angry, so angry that it landed him in jail a more than once. ***Never violent towards myself or our children*** I feel I need to add that so people don't assume he ever laid a hand on us.

If I brought up his drinking or asked him to stop or slow down he would drink more out of spite. We have had two incidents at our home where he has had to be taken to the hospital for trying to hurt himself. I will not go too much into detail about both but I would like to share a little about each time. I want people to understand that depression is not something that should be ignored, taken lightly or passed off as something minor. 

Not too long ago my husband tried to drink his blues away and it resulted in him holding a gun to his head. As much as I tried talking him down I was the last person he wanted around him. When I would ask him why he felt his life was so miserable he would just say that he wasn't happy and felt he couldn't do anything right. Never giving me a full explanation as to what he meant. Thankfully, his friend was able to talk him down and the police arrived to get him the help he needed. I knew that night that there was something seriously wrong with Aaron's mental state. Watching your husband hold a gun to his head is not something you forget, especially when your children are in close proximity. I have not told him this but that night a part of me died. I saw how unhappy he truly was and it wasn't until after his second incident, taking a handful of prescription medication, that I began to understand the reasons behind it all.

Guilt and a need for attention! Guilt, for everything he has done, was doing and a fear of history repeating itself. He shared with me that he didn't know how it all happened but he is afraid that he will mess up again and this time he will lose me for good. Because I am honest with him I told him that I wasn't buying into that. IF he doesn't want it to happen then he needs to man up and remain faithful instead of giving into temptation for a woman that isn't willing to respect our marriage. He needs to respect me and what we have or it's time to end things once and for all.

As far as attention goes, well that's one I have yet to fully understand. My husband gets my attention, sometimes more than my own children do so for him to say he wanted attention was a little unsettling for me. If he wanted to let it be known he wasn't happy he could have spared us all and used his words, not a gun to his head. He was diagnosed with severe depression and so far, fingers crossed, he is in a better state of mind. He has become more open and shares with me how he is feeling. There are still times it's like trying to pull teeth to get him to open up but he is trying. I hope he learned that he can depend on me for support and share with me his deepest darkest feelings. I don't ever want him to feel that he should be embarrassed to share anything with me. The day I married him I accepted him for who he was, knowing he would have moments that were not so perfect. I also want him to realize that when he is feeling depressed he has a group of people that are here to help him get through it. 

I cringe when I hear people say depression is just a state of mind. It's not, it's something serious and until you have lived it you don't fully understand the toll it takes on a person. We hear so much about people that have lived years being depressed and it resulted in them taking their own lives. I am begging anyone reading this, please get help if you are feeling depressed. If you feel that life isn't worth living and your problems are too big to fix you are wrong. Your life is far too precious!!