When it rains, it pours. In my life that is usually the case. I'm a pretty positive person and I try very hard not to be a pessamist. I hate the "woe is me" mentality and when I go there I take a step back and think of all the good in my current situation.
I've shared before how I feel like I can't let myself be happy. It's not a fun feeling and it leaves me questioning whether or not I will ever allow myself to be. I struggle with that because when I am happy things fall apart.
I can be doing so well, feeling great about my marriage and in a wonderful state of mind and then we get hit with something. Why? No clue, but I sure would love to know. There have been accusations about my husband, hidden feelings we're afraid to discuss, doubt that we can actually be happy again and the past being brought back up. Just to name a few.
I know some can be avoided and we are still a work in progress. When people know of your struggles, weaknesses and fears they use them against you to try and bring you down when you're finally on top. Constant hits make you question everything and for me those hits are sometimes devastating.
There are times I feel as though being happy is just not something that is meant for me. My husband says it's because I'm so strong, but I'm tired of being strong. There are times I want to be weak and helpless and let my husband be the strong one for a change. The few times I have he does step up and take the burden off of me but I usually don't let him know when I need him to take the reigns. I just keep on taking whatever life throws at me and patiently wait for my turn at true happiness. I know its there, I've had my hands on it before.
Being strong has its downfalls, you take it all on yourself and refuse to let others take over. I'm ready to do that and I'm going to finally let him be strong for the both of us and take whatever is thrown our way. I've kept it all on my shoulders and its time to let him take care of me.
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