Living In A Mental Funk

If you've been following me I'm sure you've noticed how I have been sort of quiet lately. The truth is, I've been having a hard time lately and I have been in a mental funk. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I am so mad at myself for it. I have absolutely no reason for it but I just can't stop what goes through my head. Oh how I wish I could erase my memory of all of this to keep my mind from reminding my heart of what it has been through.

I have had no reason at all to doubt my husband's faithfulness yet I can't stop worrying and remembering. The constant questioning of whether he's happy, if he loves me, and will he leave? For some reason I cannot let myself just be happy and enjoy things the way they are. When I start to feel safe, secure and happy I pull back and quietly let myself go back to my little corner and sulk. How do I keep from doing that? Why do I do that? Why am I so afraid to be happy? 

I am still mentally living in the past from time to time and I know it's not healthy. I let my mind take over and before I know it I am reliving everything I have been through. The best way I know to describe it is waking from a horrible nightmare only to close my eyes and go right back to where I left off. The pain I have let go in the past is back and very fresh at this moment. The details of it all are being replayed over and over in my head and oh the heartache is ever present again. 

I know this will pass, and I can only wonder if it is all happening again because I have poured my heart and soul into my writing. It has helped me in so many ways but it has also opened so many wounds. I haven't felt this in a very long time and I wanted to share it with those reading this. Especially to the ones that can relate to my story, you know better than anyone else how it feels to take one step forward and two steps back. Hang in there and stay positive, this does get easier. I know that one statement makes no sense seeing how I just explained the funk I have been in but it is temporary. WE will get through this, and we will be rewarded for our pain one day. At least that's what I choose to believe. Keep your head up, smile through the tears and be strong because you are not alone!!