Happy New Year

Goodbye 2014!!

It's been a year of ups and downs but as with any trials I have faced I have kept my head up and rid my life of anything that drags me down. People included! I have worked far too hard to be where I am and I will keep fighting to ensure I remain on top. 

There have been some low points that I have endured this past year and like all the others they have taught me that life is too precious to dwell on the bad. Instead I try to focus on what is truly important and what needs to happen in my life and within myself to keep going. This year I have seen a different side of some people that I once considered a “friend” and sadly relatives are part of that list. It’s amazing how a person’s true colors will show when things are not picture perfect. I have learned that those who really do care about you will be by your side and lift you up as opposed to knocking you down. 

The high points from this year include developing new relationships with people that bring something positive to my life. I have seen who still offers their love and support to me and my family.Those individuals will always hold a special place in my heart.

This past year I have grown so much and have found peace within myself. I still have a long way to go but I will get there and be a better person because of it. My children are happy, healthy and just plain PERFECT!! The relationship between my husband and I has flourished and we are growing as a couple each day. We have tried to remain close and more understanding of each other’s wants and needs. I have seen such a positive change on his part and I am so proud of him! I have waited a long time for that person to show his face again.

An unexpected blessing in my life has been this blog. I took a risk and it has paid off in so many positive ways. I did not expect it to be anything other than an opportunity to reach just one person. My pain and suffering has been a blessing in disguise and I am so blessed to have the chance to share my story with anyone that comes across it. Although I wish I had a happier subject I am glad that I can allow others to see that no matter what we may face in our relationships we can turn the negatives into positives.

My wish for anyone reading this is that no matter what 2014 may have thrown your way you see how far you have come and how much you have grown because of it. This coming year let us not dwell on what our lives are missing, but rather focus on what is right in front of us. Slow down and embrace the joy in each and every moment. 

Have a very safe and happy 2015!! 

After Effects

After I filed for the divorce I had given up any hope of my husband returning home. He was living his life as he wanted and I was so broken. I wanted nothing more than for him to walk through the door and tell me he had made a huge mistake but I knew I was kidding myself. I lost so much of myself through it all.

I stopped praying, and honestly, I quit believing. I blamed God for ever putting my husband in my life in the first place. I know that was wrong to think because without him I wouldn't have my children but at the time I was only focused on how much I was hurting. I just knew I wanted everything about him erased from my heart.

The toll it took on me physically was straining. I went days without eating and lost so much weight, normally I would have been ecstatic about that but when you lose so much in such a short amount of time you realize that it's not healthy and well...the weight comes back eventually. My body was weak and I always felt so drained, sleeping had become my escape from reality.

I blamed myself for everything that happened, if I had done things differently he wouldn't have stepped out on our marriage. I beat myself up wondering why he no longer loved me. Was I not pretty enough, thin enough, or was I too boring? I knew it wasn't my fault but knowing the truth didn't keep me from taking on all the blame. I felt like a complete failure.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, I was physically present but mentally I was far from gone. I cried all the time and if I wasn't crying I was zoned out. There were times I didn't even know where I was or what was going on. My children would come in and lay with me and I would just wrap my arms around them and cry. They comforted me and had become my rock.

Depression had kicked in and I found myself shutting everyone out of my life. I didn't want to see, hear or talk to anyone. What I wanted was to just crawl into a hole and die. During my depression I had thoughts of hurting myself, whether I would have followed through or not I honestly can't say. I like to think I never could have done that to my children and my family but the thought of numbing the pain I was suffering was far too appealing. I called out for help and it was the wake up call I needed to realize that I had to stop loving my husband more than I loved myself!

That was a turning point for me. I didn't' realize I was in a grieving process for my marriage. The strength I had found was diminishing and if I didn't do something for myself I would have spiraled deeper and deeper into the point of no return. I was so desperate trying to hold on to what once was that I lost focus on what was truly important, my health and my kids. If things were meant to be different they would eventually work out. I was giving up the idea of trying to control our future and I was tired of fighting alone to try and keep us all together.

I was time for me to dig myself out of the hole I was buried so deeply in and find my strength, confidence and life again. I had hit rock bottom and was determined to find myself again!! I vowed then that I would put ME first in order to be the mom I was intended to be. I would survive no matter how hard it was or how long it took.  

The Worst Battle

Have you ever truly listened to what your mind is telling you but ignored it because your heart says something completely different? 

During the dark moments after my husband's affair my head was saying "you have to let him go, he isn't worth all the pain and suffering." However, my heart would say "you love him, don't let go of what can still be." It's hard to truly know what you should do and trust that you're making the right decision in the end. If I had let him completely go our lives would be so different today. We wouldn't have had the chance to be a strong couple again; the love we once shared would have been just a memory. The feeling of comfort, security and completeness would be no more. If I stayed with him I would risk being hurt all over again.  

For the longest time I tried to listen to my head because it seemed to offer the more sensible solution. I would end the marriage, move on and find happiness again. Sounds easy enough right? The only problem was that my heart was shouting "BUT YOU LOVE HIM!" What do you do when you are living in the worst battle of your life? You follow your heart and pray it's going to lead you down the path you're meant to be on. Even if your head is kicking and screaming along behind, and that's exactly what it felt like. My heart knew being with him was what I wanted but my head kept reminding me of what he did, that he could do it again and that I was giving him complete control to break my heart all over again. 

I was mentally, emotionally and physically worn out. The million dollar question was which would I let win the battle? My heart or my head? Both leading to different outcomes and equally scary. Not just for me, but also for my children. No matter what risk I took it would impact us all and it was something I had to live with. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know which decision was the "right" one, and what if I made the wrong one? What if I made a selfish decision and only thought of myself? 

The man I knew was gone, the life I cherished was almost non-existent and the only thing I had left from the life we built together was our three children. I had to put their future and their lives before my own.I had to do what was best for them! I used what little faith I had left and asked God to give me the strength I needed for what was to come and asked that if He had something different planned for us I needed him to show me immediately. Well guess what...God doesn't work like that! You can't make Him do anything and He will show you what He has planned when HE is ready. 

I waited for a sign, any sign at all and I got absolutely nothing from Him. I lost my faith that day and I was so angry at God for not telling me what I should do, angry at my husband for putting me through this all alone and angry at myself for wanting to let my heart win the battle. With all of that anger built up inside I did it...I made the decision to ignore my heart and go with the what my head was telling me. It was time to let him go! He couldn't hurt me anymore if he was gone. 

On November 9, 2010 I filed for divorce and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I was scared, lonely and questioned what I did to deserve this and why my children had to suffer because of it. Signing the divorce papers caused me to have a mental breakdown and yet I had to hold it all together for three precious lives that were depending on me to be their rock. And yes, I was still waiting on God to take over. At that moment I needed Him and with each day that passed I gave up my trust in Him more and more. I could no longer depend on my husband to be there for us, in fact I had him agree to sign over his parental rights. It was my way of protecting them from him abandoning them any longer. 

My husband needed to hit rock bottom and my children needed him to do so just as badly. I didn't care about myself at this point, I just wanted to protect them and stop them from hurting, ALL of them. 

All I could do was sit back and wait for a miracle. Sometimes that's all we can do. 

Christmas Funk

Christmas has always been a joyous time for our family. Even through pain we have suffered in the past we have put on a smile for our children. This year for me is no exception. I am not having the best day, and not for any reason in particular. I am so blessed to have my husband and children by my side yet I feel sad and emotional and I'm not exactly sure why. 

I think it's just the reminder that we have been through hell and back several times over and I'm feeling the reality that tomorrow isn't always promised. I have many fears and worries, the main one being that after the holiday hustle and bustle is over I worry my husbands heart will change. He hasn't given me any reason to think that is the case but things just seem off. I know it may just be in my head, but nonetheless the feeling is very present. I know for my own sanity I need to get out of this funk and enjoy his presence and embrace the fact that we have so much to be happy about.

My children are happy, healthy and they have both, Mommy and Daddy home. I voiced my feelings to my husband and told him that I thought what it would be like without our family under one roof. I grew up celebrating holidays with one parent and it was never an ideal situation. It isn't anything I want for my own children, I don't like the thought of sharing them. I understand that many parents and children are in this situation but it's just not something I think I could get easily accustomed to. We have been given another chance at being a happy couple and family as a whole and I fear losing that. 

I know some may be saying "oh get over it, you have your husband and your children so stop your whining and enjoy Christmas!" You're absolutely right!! I'll be honest though, trying to learn to live a "normal" life again is tough. Once you find out your spouse isn't or hasn't always been happy or wanted to be with you is not something you just "get over." In some ways I think it's harder than if we hadn't have gotten back together. We are damaged and in some areas still very broken. More specifically, me. 

He may have made his choices he has to live with but I made the choice to continue to be his wife. I'm not sure who has it easier than the other. He's asked for forgiveness and put it all behind him. I am still working toward that and it seems like I take one step forward and five steps back, as opposed to the ten I'm familiar with. So I guess I can say that I have been healing better than I give myself credit for. For my sake and my families I am going to put my emotions aside and be happy!! Baby steps...teeny, tiny baby steps. I'll get through this, I always do. 

Merry Christmas to you all!! May your day be filled with an abundance of love, happiness, peace and joy!! 

A Letter to the Other Woman

Dear Other Woman,

How could you? You are the most selfish, disgusting, desperate person I have ever known. You aren't even worthy of being called a woman, much less a lady. You knew he was married. You knew he had children. You clearly knew he was a man that could not be trusted or faithful. Was it the excitement of sneaking around or knowing you were stealing someone else’s husband that gave you pleasure in what you were doing? Or were you just that lonely and pathetic to get a man that wasn't already taken?

Did having an affair with a married man make you proud? Did you truly feel as though you were someone special to him? How could you possibly believe that you meant anything at all to him? In your sick and twisted mind you may have felt that he belonged to you but in reality he was using you as an escape. Did it make you feel victorious, as if you had won some sort of special prize?

Too bad the prize was a married man that returned to his children, to his wife and to the bed he and I share. While you were left alone once again. Was it really worth sacrificing your dignity to be involved with a man that you knew would eventually return home to the life he and I built? If you meant anything at all to him he wouldn't have started a relationship with you based on lies and deceit. You played along with his deception and received nothing in return except a reputation. You are and will always be the woman that tore our family apart; you are nothing but a home wrecking piece of garbage.

Did you really think he would leave me for you? Even if he did, do you honestly believe he would have stayed with you? It would have only been a matter of time before he tossed you aside. He had his chance to be with you and he chose to come back home on his own. I didn't beg him to return, I filed for a divorce and yet he still left you to come back to me. Any promises he made with you for a future meant absolutely nothing, any discussion of how he would leave me once and for all were just another way to charm his way back to you when things got too rough at home.

Before I found out I’m sure you felt as though you were fooling the poor, pathetic loser that lost her husband. Well, I’d rather be a fool than the filth that has an affair with a married man. Despite the pain I felt after knowing the truth I can walk with my head held high, can you say the same about yourself? You have absolutely no respect for anyone, including yourself. If you had one ounce of self-respect you would have walked away the instant he told you he was married. How can any man respect you when you can’t even respect yourself? A person as yourself will never find true happiness because you spend your time destroying the lives of others.

You not only tore my life apart, you did the same for my children. I don’t blame you for all of their pain; their father was the one that started it all. However, you contributed to tearing their lives apart. You knew being a part of his deception would also have an effect on his children. Yet you put yourself first. I would have thought as a mother you would spare innocent children from having their lives flipped upside down and torn to shreds. I guess because you live a miserable life you wanted everyone else to have one, too. I just hope your children see you for who you truly are and will show a little more compassion to others than you do.

I have wasted so much of my time and energy hating you and I am exhausted. I despise the person you are!! I hate knowing that you show absolutely no remorse for destroying my life and I hate that I will never be the same person I once was. The reality of the situation is that until I can forgive you for all that you have done to me I will never truly find peace. Sadly, I am not ready to forgive you. I don’t know that I ever will and quite honestly, I don’t want to. As the other woman you destroyed my marriage. If there is one thing you have given me that is worth anything is realizing that I can take pride in knowing that I have more class than any woman who is more than willing to be involved with a married man.

~Jenn

Have A Little Self-Respect

Every girl dreams of finding the perfect man. A man that takes care of her and loves her. He should show her off to anyone and everyone and be proud of the special bond the two of them share. She wants to feel welcomed and accepted by his friends and family. It should be a relationship that is based on honesty and respect. Those are two things a relationship needs in order to survive and be a success. We as woman want to be treated as a lady and we want a man that isn't ashamed or embarrassed to show us off to others. 

Sadly, there are women that want the exact opposite? There are actually women that have no problem being labeled as the “other” woman. They don’t care if the relationship is based on lies and deceit, they could care less for honesty and respect. Heck, they don’t even care if the man they are involved with is married!! I for one could never be content being the other woman; I have too much respect for myself. Yes I know that "self-respect" comment sounds insane coming from the person that writes about her husband’s affair, so please spare me the eye rolls and sighs for today!

My husband was completely honest when he said “I’m married,” and because we don’t live in a perfect world he wasn't punched in the throat and told to go home to his wife. Instead, he was welcomed into the arms of someone that didn't care about me, my children, my marriage or herself for that matter. She was perfectly content being involved with a married man and with hiding their relationship from everyone. Knowing that it was never going to be a relationship he would be proud of showing off to his friends and family. Especially to his children. She would always be known for what she was..."the woman that took part in tearing his family apart." *Sigh*

I'm sorry, but I am not in the mood right now to sugarcoat and be nice and proper at this very moment so I’m just going to say it like it was…..

My husband was arm candy for a desperate older woman that has absolutely no respect for herself or anyone else! She had a young, attractive, confused man by her side and she would stop at nothing to keep. There was no problem being labeled as the other woman and him keeping his affair with her a secret from everyone. She felt absolutely no shame at all for helping tear his family to shreds and sneaking around trying to get him to go back to her after he returned home to us. It’s pretty sad how a woman can allow and want to be a man’s shameful secret, and for a man to want that type of woman just blows my mind.

Before anyone sighs or rolls their eyes at me again…yes I know that my husband had his part in it all. He is the one that started it, but again…if he had just been punched in the throat we wouldn't have had to live this nightmare we now call life and I wouldn't have anything interesting to share with you all.

Now that’s one way to look at the reason behind it all. =)

When I Hurt, My Children Hurt

The majority of my posts have been hard to write but this one is by far the toughest because while the situation took a toll on me it also did on our children. As a mother you want to shelter your children from pain and protect them as much as possible.

My mother always told me that she could tell our marriage was great because our kids were always happy. I never really paid much attention to that until we started having problems of our own and I could see changes in their behavior and moods.

Our children went from laughing and smiling all the time to being angry, quiet and sad. When I was sad, they were sad. When Daddy was angry, they turned quiet and when we were happy they were also happy but I’m sure they were confused. It’s true when they say that children sense when something is wrong, and it doesn’t matter what age they are, they just know.

I have never been one to sugar coat much for my children and when it came to my marriage I shared with them what I felt they needed to know and what they could understand. I made my husband tell our boys why he was leaving and where he was going, not because I wanted him to be the bad guy, but because they deserved to know the truth. Do I regret making him do so? No. Could I have spared my children the pain of knowing their father was leaving to be with someone else and why? Yes, but it was a choice he was making and he owed it to them to be honest. I didn’t want them thinking he was leaving because of something they had done, I wanted to keep any worry of that out of their minds. The damage was going to be done no matter what was said or done. Of course the last thing I wanted was for them to hurt but in this case there was nothing I could do to protect them.

As a mother that was the most painful feeling I have ever dealt with. I felt helpless and no matter what I said to them didn’t erase the pain from seeing their Daddy leave. I remember sitting there holding my babies and trying so hard to be strong for them, fighting back tears and answering all of their questions. “Why doesn’t he love us?” “Is he ever coming back?” “Does he hate us?” “Why doesn’t he love you anymore?” It was brutal, oh it was so brutal! It brought back so many painful memories for me and I knew their pain all too well from when I was a child and told that my parents were separating. I don’t think it’s a feeling that ever goes away.

After my husband returned home the kids were always so worried he would leave again. When they would see him angry or drive off alone they would ask if he was coming back. It was a constant fear for them and while they enjoyed him being back I don’t know that it ever left their minds that it might just be temporary. Slowly that fear started fading but every now and then someone will ask “do you think Daddy will ever leave again?’’ I just try and dismiss it and reassure them that things are better and that he is mentally in a better place than he was before. I know they are also in a better place and honestly I would be lying if I said they had no lasting effects from it all. There are times I see the anger, especially in our youngest son. He is still a very happy child but there are times he loses his temper quickly and hides his emotions for others to see. Sadly, I don’t know that my children will ever be the same again after dealing with all that they have been through.

My responsibility as their mother is to continue to love them and be here for them. I may have a big job but my husband is the one that has to do more. He is the one they need the most reassurance from. I want them to know that he is a wonderful person; to look past all that he has done and see a man they can still look up to and admire. He is their Daddy and that will never change. He is the one that should teach our boys how to be great men and teach our daughter that she is worthy of love and respect from all men. I feel he can still teach them that and above all he can let them see that even though he has made some poor choices he can still strive to be a better husband and father to us all. 

In The Hot Seat

My husband and I decided to have a Q&A session, he was a little hesitant at first but was a great sport through it to the end.  

Q:  What was the reason for having an affair?

A:  I wanted to do what I wanted, when I wanted and it was just a way out of an unhappy marriage. I no longer wanted responsibilities as a father and husband. 
 

Q:  Did having to live a secret life ever make you want to get caught so you HAD to end it?

A:  Yes

  
Q:  Did you ever try to get me to push you away so I would ask you to leave?

A:  Yes, it would have made it easier for me to go. 

 
Q:  Were you ever worried I would find out?

A:  Yes, but a part of me thought you would never be able to find out.

 
Q:  Did you ever see a future with the other woman?

A:  In the beginning yes, but as time went on I no longer did because of her family situation and our age difference. It was more of a convenience than anything.

  
Q:  While you were gone from home did you regret leaving us?

A:  Yes, but I was also enjoying living the life I thought I wanted at that time.

 
Q:  Do you regret what you have done?

A:  Yes

 
Q:  What would you have done differently BEFORE having an affair?

A:  Quit the job I had at the time and work better hours. I would have also tried to get closer to my wife and realized what I really needed and wanted to make it work.

 
Q:  Did you ever feel you were in over your head before the truth came out?

A:  Yes. The guilt was eating at me from having to lie and hide things all the time.

 
Q:  Was it a relationship of convenience, purely physical or just an excuse to escape the marriage?

A:  It was an outlet from being unhappy at home and convenience because I knew she would always let me back when I wanted to leave my family.

 
Q:  Did you fall in love with the other woman?

A:  Never "in" love but felt deep feelings.

 
Q:  How far into the affair did you start to regret what you were doing?

A:  After the first couple of weeks.

 
Q:  Did you think of the impact your actions would have on me and the kids?

A:  In the beginning no because I didn't want the responsibility of having a family, I also knew I could come back home when I wanted.

 
Q:  Why didn't you end the marriage if you were so unhappy?

A:  I didn't like the thought of another man being in the lives of my wife and children.

 
Q:  Would you want our daughter to go through the same thing I have?

A:  No

 
Q:  If I hadn't have found out do you think you would still be having an affair?

A:  No, the guilt would eventually cause me to come clean. 

I'll admit, there are a lot more questions I could have asked but I figured we didn't have all day. =)

Men...Gotta Love Em'

I'm not one to bash men BUT I wanted to share some thoughts I have on them, my husband in particular. Enjoy! Oh and if I offend anyone I'm sorry, but if the shoe fits.....

• Men are such babies when they are sick...OMG are they babies! However, if we are sick we should still get up and move around because "it's good for us."
• Getting them to fully complete a project requires patience (on our part).They tend to start something and not finish. 
• Having a conversation while the television is on will end in "huh, did you say something?"
• If you can't get them to do something just start doing it yourself...they'll take over. Works every time! 
• If you're doing something while they're around, 9 times out of 10 you will hear what you are doing wrong. 
• When the kids ask for anything they will be told "go ask Mommy."
• If you ask "does this look good?" be prepared for an answer you aren't going to be happy with. Sometimes the truth isn't best.
• They will never be too busy to help out a buddy, but suddenly too tired when it's you that needs help.
• If the kids are hungry they will more than likely not know what to feed them. 
• Repeating yourself will get tiring but if you raise your tone while doing so it will result in an argument. 
• Do not...and I repeat DO NOT ever tell them to "grow up" because they will get so mad. Like toddler temper tantrum mad!! 
• When you travel be sure to save the GPS coordinates in your phone for back up.  
• To save time decide where you want to eat BEFORE you get in the car. Otherwise there will be a game of "I don't know, what do you want?" and you'll just end up eating McDonald's. 
• Never ask him if you need to lose weight. His mouth will say "you're fine just the way you are", but his face will say "wouldn't hurt!!" Watch the eyebrows...they don't lie! 
• When you go shopping he will be the one that ends up with the new wardrobe. (This could just by my husband though...hence the blog name) 
• If he's having a bad day at work it's probably best not to ask who put him in that mood. 
• Telling him you don't want him to do something, buy something or go someplace will result in him doing it, spending more than he would have in the first place and being gone longer just because he was told not to. 
• Never mention boys and his daughter in the same sentence...they don't like the thought of that at all!! Unless your daughter is older...we have a 7 year old and he already dreads it.
• They can dish it but they can't take it. 
• Threatening to tell his mother will mean absolutely nothing! 
• Whatever idea you have will not work according to him but I'll be darned if he doesn't have the same idea later on and still take all the credit. 
• If you really want him to listen to your advice you'll have better luck getting a stranger to deliver the message. 
• When they think they're right just nod your head, roll your eyes and save your breath. No matter how wrong they really are. ;)

Men are great, aren't they? We love them even with all of their faults, just as much as they love us with all of ours. 

Feel free to add any I may have missed in the comments below. =)

Finding Peace Through Forgiveness

"Forgive and forget"....that is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard!!

There are some things you can never forget, no matter how much you wish you could. It seems like the more something hurts the harder it is to completely erase from your memory. Certain details may fade away but the pain you endured will always be there in some way or another. I think we just learn to step around it so that we can keep it from consuming our daily lives.

I am one that forgives easily, I see it as a curse where as others may see it as a good quality I hold. I may forgive easily but I do still keep a close eye on those that I have had to forgive.

My husband did me wrong, he hurt me as no husband should ever hurt his wife. Do I think he made a mistake by cheating? No! He knew what he was doing and knew he was going to hurt me the second he gave another woman attention and wanted it in return. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a conscious decision one makes not caring for an instant about those they will hurt.

I didn't want to forgive him for the longest time, in my head I felt that if I forgave him I was giving him the upper hand. Doing so would mean that he no longer had to suffer from his actions. More importantly, it meant that he could move past how much he had hurt me. I wanted him to dwell in what he had done; I wished nothing more than for him to be miserable and filled with regret.

Little did I know that by refusing to forgive him I was only hurting myself. I was the one that couldn't escape the misery; I was the one that couldn't move past everything he had put me through. He had already moved on, he wasn't sitting there letting his actions affect everything in his life. Not because he had no remorse, but because he knew that what had been done was done and couldn't be erased.

I on the other hand wanted it to be reversed, erased and buried but I wasn't allowing myself to start healing by holding on to it all. I felt as though forgiving him would mean I was condoning and accepting his actions, I was saying, "it's OK that you broke my heart, it's OK that you ripped every ounce of happiness I had to shreds, it's OK I can no longer feel safe and secure in your arms, it's OK that you don't love me enough to respect me."

Why should I be the one that is miserable when I did nothing to hurt our marriage?

I read article after article online on ways to move past infidelity and they all said the same thing...FORGIVE!! It made no sense to me, I have forgiven people for many things in the past...but forgiving my husband for having an affair and ruining all of our lives? I didn't want to, I wasn't ready to but I knew I needed to.

In order to find peace within myself I had to forgive this man, the man I married and loved even through tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. In some ways it hurt more to forgive him than to learn the truth of what he had done.

Although I forgave him I can never forget what he has done to me, believe me, if I could I would. All I can do is continue to hope and pray that the details of it all will fade away, eventually leaving me with no memory of it at all. If that is impossible, and I know it is, I just wish for continued growth and peace in my heart.

A Letter to My Husband

To My Dearest Aaron,

Where do I even begin? 

Sixteen years ago our paths crossed and life changed for the both of us. Our friendship grew quickly and we fell in love and we fell hard! The day we became husband and wife was one of the best days of my life and is a day I will cherish always. It was a day filled with so much happiness and an excitement as to what the future held for us. As the years went by our family grew and like any other marriage so did our problems, some small and a few larger but never too large for us to handle. We always made our marriage top priority and although we did go through some hard times we never let our love and respect for one another fade. We worked together through anything that came our way and we grew stronger as a couple. Life as I knew it was perfect. I had no doubt that we would continue to raise our children in a happy, healthy home.

Along the way work schedules changed and added that more stress than we were prepared for. In the beginning I just kept telling myself that you were dealing with a lot being away from your family every night and that eventually you would go back to being the same man that couldn't wait to get home to us. I noticed the changes in you very quickly and they scared me. You went from being a loving husband to someone I no longer recognized, someone who was angry, bitter and defensive all the time. You seemed to be in a dark place and I didn’t know why but I never thought it would be because of another woman. I felt as though the rug was pulled from under me and there was nothing I could do to reverse it all.

You broke my heart, Aaron! You took everything we built together and all the love we shared, a love I thought was unbreakable and you threw it away as if it was nothing. Our vows were sacred at one time and suddenly they meant absolutely nothing and our life was a complete lie. I felt as though I was no longer worthy of being loved and I hated myself for not being the woman you wanted. The toll it took on me was devastating. Mentally, physically and emotionally I was broken and left to pick up the pieces for myself and our children. Our family suffered so much while you were living the life you felt you wanted. A life of freedom, zero responsibilities and someone other than myself. Your family at that time was not even on your priority list. I wanted so badly for you to come to your senses and return home to me, to us.

While you were gone I did what I know how to do best…I loved you. I loved you with all I had in me, even when I didn't want to I did. I want you to know that I have never stopped loving you and I never gave up on you, or on us. I held on to the man I married, the man that put his family first and did whatever it took to protect us from pain and suffering. I missed that man so much and I wanted nothing more than for him to return. I know they say that everything happens for a reason and I have waited patiently to know the reason for all of this happened. I realize that I may never find out but it’s something I have always wondered.

I feel sad and my heart breaks for the young couple we were when we exchanged our vows, the love we shared then was pure and unshakable. Or so I thought, I see now that it was never as strong as I believed it to be.  I am scared that you will break my heart again; I know I took the risk by letting you back and I have no regrets about it. I fear that you will give into temptation and throw all the hard work we have done this far for someone else. I also feel blessed that we found our way back to one another. I know we still have a long way to go but as long as we both stay focused on each other and what truly matters we can and will survive. One day I want us to look back and say “we made it and we are stronger than we ever imagined!”

I promise that I will continue to love you with my whole heart, and when you feel alone know that I will be by your side every step of the way. If you ever feel that your life is missing something I want you to look around and see what you already have.  

Love always,

Jenn

Being Judged

At some point in our lives we have all judged someone or jumped to our own conclusions about them without knowing their full story. I will be the first to admit that I have judged many and then felt horrible when I discovered that I was wrong about them or without knowing the full story about their situation. I try very hard now not to judge other's because I know first hand how horrible it makes a person feel, especially when it comes from someone you thought you were close to.

Over the years my husband and I have been judged by people that we thought would always be there for us and who loved us. We have been shut out of their lives and while it doesn't bother us now that we see how little we mean to them; we can however see the effect it has on those around us. It makes for impersonal conversations, awkward gatherings and not to mention it makes others get caught in the middle. We remain civil but I'll be honest...the entire situation sucks!! While I wish it was different I know things will never be the same. The damage has been done, words have been exchanged and stubbornness keeps a heartfelt "I'm sorry" from being said.

I will not get into much detail because the last thing I need is more reason for us to remain distant. I will say that I think it is sad that grown adults, myself included, can not let the past go and move forward to try and repair relationships. Sadly because of all this I have lost family members on both sides. They felt the need to tell me what they see that is wrong in MY life, what they see wrong in what MY husband has done and how WE should be living OUR lives. When I needed support, especially from family, I received criticism. There is nothing worse than having your own family shut you out in your deepest, darkest times.  I learned very quickly who I could and could not count on for support. In the end all I can do is hope that if they ever need my support I will welcome them with open arms and not a judgmental heart. That instead of offering my opinion of what they should be doing I would instead offer them the comfort I needed in my time of need.

I honestly don't know what I would have done if it had not been to those that were and are still there for me, my children and my husband. Without their love and support I don't know that we would have been able to keep our heads up. I find comfort in knowing that we have a special place in their hearts as they do in ours. 

To Continue or Not?

I can't tell you all enough how great this experience has been for me. I didn't think sharing my craziness with others would go far but I have had a wonderful response and I am so grateful for that! To those who read this it may just be entertaining, something to kill the time, or just curiosity into our lives because well…who doesn't love juicy gossip to share with others? However, to me it’s so much more. It gives me a chance to vent, share, and heal. At times the healing process is more painful than others. I admit that there are times I think about not continuing for a number of reasons. Sometimes I think for my own state of mind it would be easier to just pull the plug as opposed to facing past feelings over and over.

One reason for quitting is fear. I knew this process would be tough, I just didn’t know how tough. If I’m being completely honest I have to admit that I’m afraid there will be anger, pain and even some animosity built up inside that is just waiting to erupt. I shared this with my husband and told him that I am afraid so much will resurface that it will cause me to push him away. 

Another reason, which makes me so mad, is the opinions of others. I know it’s stupid, especially being this far into things but people are so judgmental and downright mean. Our family has suffered enough in the past and the last thing I want is for someone on their high horse telling me what I should or shouldn't do. Some people were never taught the whole "if you don't have anything nice, don't say anything at all" phrase we learn as a child. Advice is one thing, but being mean is another. God knows we've had enough of that! 

My biggest reason for contemplating backing down from this is pressure. Since so many know our story I can't help but feel pressure for myself and my husband to have a "perfect" relationship. Even though there is no such thing. I feel as though the critics are waiting for us to fail and have their “I told you so” moment. I also feel pressured that we have to prove our love for one another; I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I am human, and a woman at that! I need to learn to have my husband’s “I don’t care what others think” attitude. I realize that I am in a sense asking for whatever comes my way, positive or negative and I must learn to just smile and let everyone have their own opinions.

With all that being said; I have made a decision as to whether to continue or not and I have decided that I will!! I owe it to myself to do something I love as long as I stay focused on my marriage and my family and of course to continue to walking down the path of self healing to be a better person for those that are truly important in my life. I will try not to let myself think I have something to prove to others, but instead I will see this as a way for me to help others in some way or another. 

We All Have A Past

I asked my husband last night, which I do after each "heavy" post how he really feels about me doing this blog. His response was, "it doesn't bother me, it's all truthful and we are growing and in a better place now." 

I often worry how he will react to my writing because it doesn't paint a pretty picture of him as a husband. For someone that has never met him I can see how they would think he is just an insensitive and selfish jerk, amongst other things I’m sure. Those that do know him personally and have seen a different side of him know that he actually does have a big heart. He will be the first to drop whatever he is doing to help anyone out, stranger or not. It may be hard to believe but he is a great man. I know it might be difficult to look past all that he’s done to me but deep down he is strong, loving, caring, compassionate, and kindhearted. Those wonderful qualities he holds are the reason I fell in love with him. One saying I often tell him is “when you’re good, you’re great” and that is meant from a wife to her husband, he has always been a great person. He too still has some work to do as far as he and I go and he is, in case anyone was wondering. ;)

For those that truly know my husband I would hope that you would not focus on his past but instead all the qualities he held when you first met him, the reasons why you refer to him as your “friend.” For those that don’t know him; I ask that you keep in mind others around you and ask yourself if you would shut someone out of your life or treat them differently simply because they too have made poor choices.

For the record…I am not asking a wife to look past her husband’s mistakes if he has done her wrong. Nor am I saying we should look past someone’s history if they have committed some horrible or unforgivable crime. I am simply referring to friendships as a whole.

The point I am trying to make is that we never know what is deep in a person’s heart when we refuse to look past all the bad they have done. They may not be the horrible person you think they are. After all, we all have a past; we all make mistakes and poor choices in some way or another. My husband is the prime example of a good person that has done things to hurt others but that does not mean he is a person that deserves to be shut out by those that call him their “friend.”

I chose to do this post for my him because I know that people may come across my story and be too quick to judge the person that did something horrible instead of the person that tries to bring good into the lives of others. 

I Just Want to Hate You!

Have you ever been so mad at someone that you wanted to hate them or just stop loving them?

I have a confession…I wanted so badly to hate my husband, in fact I wanted to stop loving him. I wished I had never met him or fallen in love with him. I actually prayed that any love I had for him would leave my heart and he'd be erased from my memory forever.

Life isn't like that though; we can’t just turn our feelings on and off when we are angry or hurt. We can’t just stop loving someone or hate them when we share a life with them and they fill a spot in our hearts. I have been with my husband for 16 years; we share a history, a life and three amazing children together. As much as I wanted with all my heart to hate him it was impossible for me to do so. I tried. I tried with all that I had in me but the more I prayed I could stop the stronger my love for him grew. I was not only angry with him for betraying me, I was angry with God for not helping me forget this man He had placed in my life. I felt as if God was punishing me for some reason, I tried bargaining with Him, anything to remove my husband from my heart.

I would cry myself to sleep and wake up each morning and cry some more. Nothing seemed normal and I had to go through the motions for the sake of my children. I smiled when they would look up at me and my heart would break in silence when they would hug me and tell me it would be ok. Life was just so unfair at that time. I was left alone trying to create some sort of normalcy in a dire situation while my husband was gone living his life of “freedom” he desired so much. After a while he would come back home only to leave us again. Oh how I wanted to hate him, only to hate myself for letting him do this to us. I gave up hope in love and I didn’t care if I had a black heart for the rest of my life, love was no longer the greatest gift one could receive in my eyes.

People could ask “but Jennifer if he hurt you so much why stay with him, why still love him?”

I honestly didn't know how to answer that question. It’s a mixture of so many things, I came from a family of divorce and it was a nightmare that I didn’t want my children to experience. I was afraid of being alone; I had spent so many years sharing a life and responsibilities with him. He was the only man I’ve ever truly loved. At one time he was my safe place, my protector and my everything. I loved him; I loved him with my entire heart and soul! I held on to the person he was and I knew eventually he would be that person again. I hoped that he would realize that what he was searching for so selfishly was right in front of him. I hoped he would love me again, just as he did the day he married me.

His affair was in some ways a blessing that took me years to discover. It taught me that I am stronger than I ever imagined. I don’t need his love to survive nor do I deserve half of what he has to offer, I deserve his full respect, love and commitment.

The most important thing I learned is that I was given a heart that never stops loving and a husband that still needs all the love I have to offer so that he continues to find his way back to where he belongs. So that he can find comfort knowing that someone loves him, even through his darkest days and when he feels he can't even love himself. 

Red Flags

You suspect your spouse is cheating but how can you be sure? Unless you see them with your own eyes or they miraculously fess up you’re pretty much left to learn ways to discover the truth on your own. I learned how to keep an eye out for red flags and my intuition led the way. I tease my husband that I could be a private investigator, and a darn good one at that! I have learned a lot; unfortunately it all comes from experience.

Here are a few ways to discover some painful truths. 

1. Behavior: They suddenly have mood swings or seem to get angry at the smallest things. Almost as if they try and pick fights just to have an excuse to become distant.
2. Change in habits: They seem to get home later than usual, go out more often with friends or suddenly want to do things alone.
3. Lies: Their stories never seem to add up, and when questioned about it they stumble over their words as if trying not to reveal too much.
4. Cell phone usage: Their phone has become a permanent fixture to their hip. Excessive or secretive phone calls or texts, secret apps, and setting their phone face down or keeping it on vibrate. Getting upset when you ask to see it.
5. Defensiveness: When you question their whereabouts, moods or habits they become defensive and angry.
6. Unexplained spending: Excessive ATM withdrawals yet no solid explanation as to where the money is being spent. Borrowing from friends behind your back.
7. Change in appearance: They seem to dress up more than usual, wear new cologne or seem to be dressing to impress someone other than you.
8. Loss of interest in sex: There seems to be more and more excuses as to why they aren't in the mood or they push you away when you try to be intimate.
9. Hidden items: They have clothing, cologne, or personal items hidden in their car. 
10. Guilt: When asked about their faithfulness they seem to turn it around to you and accuse you of cheating or they change the subject quickly. I've always found that my husband he would shut down when he was feeling guilty. Almost as if he was silently screaming he wanted to confess something to me.

It all comes down to is attention. Attention to detail as a matter of fact. You don't spend your life with someone and not notice when something seems "off."

I know people say that if you have to start snooping around it's time to let them go. That is easier said than done, sometimes discovering the truth is something you aren't ready to face.

I'm Just Not Good Enough

I am beautiful. I am confident. I am strong. I am lovable. I am worthy!!!

It took me a very long time to believe I was and am all of those things. Quite honestly, there are still days I question whether that is really who I am or just who I wish I could be.

After all, if I was all of those things why would my husband want someone else? Why would he be attracted to other women and want to give them his time and affection? Maybe I wasn't beautiful, or confident, or lovable. Maybe I was weak and unworthy. What if I really wasn't good enough for him, or any man for that matter? I must have been a mean, horrible, disgusting person!!

That must all be true right? I sure thought so. I knew at one point in our relationship he was attracted to the good qualities I had to offer. So what was the sudden change in me that would cause him to hate me so much that he would hurt me so badly?

Every ounce of self-confidence I had was gone, crushed and seemed beyond repair. It hurt terribly to feel rejected and worthless to the man I shared my life with. My heart was shattered.

Something just had to change. I was too busy finding flaws and blaming myself for HIS actions. For my own sanity I needed to stop loathing in self pity, put on my big girl panties and stop making myself the “victim”. I stopped eating, was severely depressed and shut everyone important to me out of my life. Not to mention my children had not only lost their Daddy in a sense, but they were losing their Mommy also. Life as we all knew it had become a nightmare and I had to be strong for all of us. I had to gain my confidence back and believe that I was a beautiful person, on the inside and out. Focusing too much on what I wasn't was only hurting me more. 

I was damaged and felt as if life wasn't worth living. All because I had convinced myself that I wasn't “good enough.” I was worthy of love and respect, not only from my husband but from myself.

After I finished having my pity party I learned to think positive about who I was. When my head would fill up with negative thoughts I would push them aside and remind myself that I was NOT all of those things. I was perfect just the way I was, flaws and all.

I learned that it was more important that I love myself: even if I didn't have the perfect body, the most beautiful smile or the best personality. What I did have was a warm heart and an abundance of love to offer and that was worth more than anything else. I had to fall in love with the person I had always been. 

My heart breaks for the woman I once was and it has been a struggle but I made a vow to myself that I will always be good enough for ME!! 

Expectations VS Realities

Today I needed a mental break of sorts so I wanted to share my thoughts on the expectations vs. realities of marriage. Very few women are lucky to still be married to the gentlemen they dated.


Expectation: You're going to get flowers all the time, just like when you were dating.
Reality: Flowers will only arrive on special occasions...if that!

Expectation: Valentine's Day and Anniversaries will be so romantic.
Reality: You're lucky if he remembers those days, much less plan something romantic.

Expectation: When you're apart he's going to be sad and lonely.
Reality: He's enjoying the peace and quiet from all the nagging and complaining.

Expectation: He will immediately notice you did something different to your hair.
Reality: He won't, unless you've gone from brunette to blue.

Expectation: When you have kids he's going to suddenly mature.
Reality: He will be the plus one when people ask how many children you have.

Expectation: He will remain a gentleman after the wedding.
Reality: The "Al Bundy" in him will reveal himself and he can never go back!!

Expectation: He will help discipline the children.
Reality: He will be the "good cop" nine times out of ten while you always remain the "bad cop."

Expectation: He will help out around the house.
Reality: He will mostly point out what spots you've missed.

Expectation: You two are going to have the best conversations and he will open up about everything.
Reality: You'll spend more time asking "are you even listening to me?"

Expectation: He will be the best man he can be.
Reality: He WILL be the best man he can be!!!

Husbands may have their faults, and they may drive us insane most of the time, but they sure do have our hearts. Thank goodness for that, otherwise we would have to strangle them!! :)