When I Hurt, My Children Hurt

The majority of my posts have been hard to write but this one is by far the toughest because while the situation took a toll on me it also did on our children. As a mother you want to shelter your children from pain and protect them as much as possible.

My mother always told me that she could tell our marriage was great because our kids were always happy. I never really paid much attention to that until we started having problems of our own and I could see changes in their behavior and moods.

Our children went from laughing and smiling all the time to being angry, quiet and sad. When I was sad, they were sad. When Daddy was angry, they turned quiet and when we were happy they were also happy but I’m sure they were confused. It’s true when they say that children sense when something is wrong, and it doesn’t matter what age they are, they just know.

I have never been one to sugar coat much for my children and when it came to my marriage I shared with them what I felt they needed to know and what they could understand. I made my husband tell our boys why he was leaving and where he was going, not because I wanted him to be the bad guy, but because they deserved to know the truth. Do I regret making him do so? No. Could I have spared my children the pain of knowing their father was leaving to be with someone else and why? Yes, but it was a choice he was making and he owed it to them to be honest. I didn’t want them thinking he was leaving because of something they had done, I wanted to keep any worry of that out of their minds. The damage was going to be done no matter what was said or done. Of course the last thing I wanted was for them to hurt but in this case there was nothing I could do to protect them.

As a mother that was the most painful feeling I have ever dealt with. I felt helpless and no matter what I said to them didn’t erase the pain from seeing their Daddy leave. I remember sitting there holding my babies and trying so hard to be strong for them, fighting back tears and answering all of their questions. “Why doesn’t he love us?” “Is he ever coming back?” “Does he hate us?” “Why doesn’t he love you anymore?” It was brutal, oh it was so brutal! It brought back so many painful memories for me and I knew their pain all too well from when I was a child and told that my parents were separating. I don’t think it’s a feeling that ever goes away.

After my husband returned home the kids were always so worried he would leave again. When they would see him angry or drive off alone they would ask if he was coming back. It was a constant fear for them and while they enjoyed him being back I don’t know that it ever left their minds that it might just be temporary. Slowly that fear started fading but every now and then someone will ask “do you think Daddy will ever leave again?’’ I just try and dismiss it and reassure them that things are better and that he is mentally in a better place than he was before. I know they are also in a better place and honestly I would be lying if I said they had no lasting effects from it all. There are times I see the anger, especially in our youngest son. He is still a very happy child but there are times he loses his temper quickly and hides his emotions for others to see. Sadly, I don’t know that my children will ever be the same again after dealing with all that they have been through.

My responsibility as their mother is to continue to love them and be here for them. I may have a big job but my husband is the one that has to do more. He is the one they need the most reassurance from. I want them to know that he is a wonderful person; to look past all that he has done and see a man they can still look up to and admire. He is their Daddy and that will never change. He is the one that should teach our boys how to be great men and teach our daughter that she is worthy of love and respect from all men. I feel he can still teach them that and above all he can let them see that even though he has made some poor choices he can still strive to be a better husband and father to us all.