Christmas Funk

Christmas has always been a joyous time for our family. Even through pain we have suffered in the past we have put on a smile for our children. This year for me is no exception. I am not having the best day, and not for any reason in particular. I am so blessed to have my husband and children by my side yet I feel sad and emotional and I'm not exactly sure why. 

I think it's just the reminder that we have been through hell and back several times over and I'm feeling the reality that tomorrow isn't always promised. I have many fears and worries, the main one being that after the holiday hustle and bustle is over I worry my husbands heart will change. He hasn't given me any reason to think that is the case but things just seem off. I know it may just be in my head, but nonetheless the feeling is very present. I know for my own sanity I need to get out of this funk and enjoy his presence and embrace the fact that we have so much to be happy about.

My children are happy, healthy and they have both, Mommy and Daddy home. I voiced my feelings to my husband and told him that I thought what it would be like without our family under one roof. I grew up celebrating holidays with one parent and it was never an ideal situation. It isn't anything I want for my own children, I don't like the thought of sharing them. I understand that many parents and children are in this situation but it's just not something I think I could get easily accustomed to. We have been given another chance at being a happy couple and family as a whole and I fear losing that. 

I know some may be saying "oh get over it, you have your husband and your children so stop your whining and enjoy Christmas!" You're absolutely right!! I'll be honest though, trying to learn to live a "normal" life again is tough. Once you find out your spouse isn't or hasn't always been happy or wanted to be with you is not something you just "get over." In some ways I think it's harder than if we hadn't have gotten back together. We are damaged and in some areas still very broken. More specifically, me. 

He may have made his choices he has to live with but I made the choice to continue to be his wife. I'm not sure who has it easier than the other. He's asked for forgiveness and put it all behind him. I am still working toward that and it seems like I take one step forward and five steps back, as opposed to the ten I'm familiar with. So I guess I can say that I have been healing better than I give myself credit for. For my sake and my families I am going to put my emotions aside and be happy!! Baby steps...teeny, tiny baby steps. I'll get through this, I always do. 

Merry Christmas to you all!! May your day be filled with an abundance of love, happiness, peace and joy!!