After I filed for the divorce I had given up any hope of my husband returning home. He was living his life as he wanted and I was so broken. I wanted nothing more than for him to walk through the door and tell me he had made a huge mistake but I knew I was kidding myself. I lost so much of myself through it all.
I stopped praying, and honestly, I quit believing. I blamed God for ever putting my husband in my life in the first place. I know that was wrong to think because without him I wouldn't have my children but at the time I was only focused on how much I was hurting. I just knew I wanted everything about him erased from my heart.
The toll it took on me physically was straining. I went days without eating and lost so much weight, normally I would have been ecstatic about that but when you lose so much in such a short amount of time you realize that it's not healthy and well...the weight comes back eventually. My body was weak and I always felt so drained, sleeping had become my escape from reality.
I blamed myself for everything that happened, if I had done things differently he wouldn't have stepped out on our marriage. I beat myself up wondering why he no longer loved me. Was I not pretty enough, thin enough, or was I too boring? I knew it wasn't my fault but knowing the truth didn't keep me from taking on all the blame. I felt like a complete failure.
I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, I was physically present but mentally I was far from gone. I cried all the time and if I wasn't crying I was zoned out. There were times I didn't even know where I was or what was going on. My children would come in and lay with me and I would just wrap my arms around them and cry. They comforted me and had become my rock.
Depression had kicked in and I found myself shutting everyone out of my life. I didn't want to see, hear or talk to anyone. What I wanted was to just crawl into a hole and die. During my depression I had thoughts of hurting myself, whether I would have followed through or not I honestly can't say. I like to think I never could have done that to my children and my family but the thought of numbing the pain I was suffering was far too appealing. I called out for help and it was the wake up call I needed to realize that I had to stop loving my husband more than I loved myself!
That was a turning point for me. I didn't' realize I was in a grieving process for my marriage. The strength I had found was diminishing and if I didn't do something for myself I would have spiraled deeper and deeper into the point of no return. I was so desperate trying to hold on to what once was that I lost focus on what was truly important, my health and my kids. If things were meant to be different they would eventually work out. I was giving up the idea of trying to control our future and I was tired of fighting alone to try and keep us all together.
I was time for me to dig myself out of the hole I was buried so deeply in and find my strength, confidence and life again. I had hit rock bottom and was determined to find myself again!! I vowed then that I would put ME first in order to be the mom I was intended to be. I would survive no matter how hard it was or how long it took.
I stopped praying, and honestly, I quit believing. I blamed God for ever putting my husband in my life in the first place. I know that was wrong to think because without him I wouldn't have my children but at the time I was only focused on how much I was hurting. I just knew I wanted everything about him erased from my heart.
The toll it took on me physically was straining. I went days without eating and lost so much weight, normally I would have been ecstatic about that but when you lose so much in such a short amount of time you realize that it's not healthy and well...the weight comes back eventually. My body was weak and I always felt so drained, sleeping had become my escape from reality.
I blamed myself for everything that happened, if I had done things differently he wouldn't have stepped out on our marriage. I beat myself up wondering why he no longer loved me. Was I not pretty enough, thin enough, or was I too boring? I knew it wasn't my fault but knowing the truth didn't keep me from taking on all the blame. I felt like a complete failure.
I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, I was physically present but mentally I was far from gone. I cried all the time and if I wasn't crying I was zoned out. There were times I didn't even know where I was or what was going on. My children would come in and lay with me and I would just wrap my arms around them and cry. They comforted me and had become my rock.
Depression had kicked in and I found myself shutting everyone out of my life. I didn't want to see, hear or talk to anyone. What I wanted was to just crawl into a hole and die. During my depression I had thoughts of hurting myself, whether I would have followed through or not I honestly can't say. I like to think I never could have done that to my children and my family but the thought of numbing the pain I was suffering was far too appealing. I called out for help and it was the wake up call I needed to realize that I had to stop loving my husband more than I loved myself!
I was time for me to dig myself out of the hole I was buried so deeply in and find my strength, confidence and life again. I had hit rock bottom and was determined to find myself again!! I vowed then that I would put ME first in order to be the mom I was intended to be. I would survive no matter how hard it was or how long it took.
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