Red Flags

You suspect your spouse is cheating but how can you be sure? Unless you see them with your own eyes or they miraculously fess up you’re pretty much left to learn ways to discover the truth on your own. I learned how to keep an eye out for red flags and my intuition led the way. I tease my husband that I could be a private investigator, and a darn good one at that! I have learned a lot; unfortunately it all comes from experience.

Here are a few ways to discover some painful truths. 

1. Behavior: They suddenly have mood swings or seem to get angry at the smallest things. Almost as if they try and pick fights just to have an excuse to become distant.
2. Change in habits: They seem to get home later than usual, go out more often with friends or suddenly want to do things alone.
3. Lies: Their stories never seem to add up, and when questioned about it they stumble over their words as if trying not to reveal too much.
4. Cell phone usage: Their phone has become a permanent fixture to their hip. Excessive or secretive phone calls or texts, secret apps, and setting their phone face down or keeping it on vibrate. Getting upset when you ask to see it.
5. Defensiveness: When you question their whereabouts, moods or habits they become defensive and angry.
6. Unexplained spending: Excessive ATM withdrawals yet no solid explanation as to where the money is being spent. Borrowing from friends behind your back.
7. Change in appearance: They seem to dress up more than usual, wear new cologne or seem to be dressing to impress someone other than you.
8. Loss of interest in sex: There seems to be more and more excuses as to why they aren't in the mood or they push you away when you try to be intimate.
9. Hidden items: They have clothing, cologne, or personal items hidden in their car. 
10. Guilt: When asked about their faithfulness they seem to turn it around to you and accuse you of cheating or they change the subject quickly. I've always found that my husband he would shut down when he was feeling guilty. Almost as if he was silently screaming he wanted to confess something to me.

It all comes down to is attention. Attention to detail as a matter of fact. You don't spend your life with someone and not notice when something seems "off."

I know people say that if you have to start snooping around it's time to let them go. That is easier said than done, sometimes discovering the truth is something you aren't ready to face.

I'm Just Not Good Enough

I am beautiful. I am confident. I am strong. I am lovable. I am worthy!!!

It took me a very long time to believe I was and am all of those things. Quite honestly, there are still days I question whether that is really who I am or just who I wish I could be.

After all, if I was all of those things why would my husband want someone else? Why would he be attracted to other women and want to give them his time and affection? Maybe I wasn't beautiful, or confident, or lovable. Maybe I was weak and unworthy. What if I really wasn't good enough for him, or any man for that matter? I must have been a mean, horrible, disgusting person!!

That must all be true right? I sure thought so. I knew at one point in our relationship he was attracted to the good qualities I had to offer. So what was the sudden change in me that would cause him to hate me so much that he would hurt me so badly?

Every ounce of self-confidence I had was gone, crushed and seemed beyond repair. It hurt terribly to feel rejected and worthless to the man I shared my life with. My heart was shattered.

Something just had to change. I was too busy finding flaws and blaming myself for HIS actions. For my own sanity I needed to stop loathing in self pity, put on my big girl panties and stop making myself the “victim”. I stopped eating, was severely depressed and shut everyone important to me out of my life. Not to mention my children had not only lost their Daddy in a sense, but they were losing their Mommy also. Life as we all knew it had become a nightmare and I had to be strong for all of us. I had to gain my confidence back and believe that I was a beautiful person, on the inside and out. Focusing too much on what I wasn't was only hurting me more. 

I was damaged and felt as if life wasn't worth living. All because I had convinced myself that I wasn't “good enough.” I was worthy of love and respect, not only from my husband but from myself.

After I finished having my pity party I learned to think positive about who I was. When my head would fill up with negative thoughts I would push them aside and remind myself that I was NOT all of those things. I was perfect just the way I was, flaws and all.

I learned that it was more important that I love myself: even if I didn't have the perfect body, the most beautiful smile or the best personality. What I did have was a warm heart and an abundance of love to offer and that was worth more than anything else. I had to fall in love with the person I had always been. 

My heart breaks for the woman I once was and it has been a struggle but I made a vow to myself that I will always be good enough for ME!! 

Expectations VS Realities

Today I needed a mental break of sorts so I wanted to share my thoughts on the expectations vs. realities of marriage. Very few women are lucky to still be married to the gentlemen they dated.


Expectation: You're going to get flowers all the time, just like when you were dating.
Reality: Flowers will only arrive on special occasions...if that!

Expectation: Valentine's Day and Anniversaries will be so romantic.
Reality: You're lucky if he remembers those days, much less plan something romantic.

Expectation: When you're apart he's going to be sad and lonely.
Reality: He's enjoying the peace and quiet from all the nagging and complaining.

Expectation: He will immediately notice you did something different to your hair.
Reality: He won't, unless you've gone from brunette to blue.

Expectation: When you have kids he's going to suddenly mature.
Reality: He will be the plus one when people ask how many children you have.

Expectation: He will remain a gentleman after the wedding.
Reality: The "Al Bundy" in him will reveal himself and he can never go back!!

Expectation: He will help discipline the children.
Reality: He will be the "good cop" nine times out of ten while you always remain the "bad cop."

Expectation: He will help out around the house.
Reality: He will mostly point out what spots you've missed.

Expectation: You two are going to have the best conversations and he will open up about everything.
Reality: You'll spend more time asking "are you even listening to me?"

Expectation: He will be the best man he can be.
Reality: He WILL be the best man he can be!!!

Husbands may have their faults, and they may drive us insane most of the time, but they sure do have our hearts. Thank goodness for that, otherwise we would have to strangle them!! :)