Strength vs Courage

I recently had a very dear friend tell me that she could learn something from me when it comes to courage. I sat and thought about her words, and whether or not I believe that I have courage. I know I am strong but I don't see myself as courageous. When I think of the word, I see it as being brave, facing your fear and not being afraid to fight against all odds.

I came across this poem and wanted to share it with you. I read it and let the words sink in and you know what I discovered? Maybe I am strong AND courageous. I just need to believe in myself as my friend believes in me.


Strength Vs Courage 

1. It takes strength to be firm. 
It takes courage to be gentle. 

2. It takes strength to stand guard. 
It takes courage to let down your guard. 

3. It takes strength to conquer. 
It takes courage to surrender. 

4. It takes strength to be certain. 
It takes courage to have doubt. 

5. It takes strength to fit in. 
It takes courage to stand out. 

6. It takes strength to feel a friend's pain. 
It takes courage to feel your own pain. 

7. It takes strength to hide your own pains. 
It takes courage to show them. 

8. It takes strength to endure abuse. 
It takes courage to stop it. 

9. It takes strength to stand alone. 
It takes courage to lean on another. 

10. It takes strength to love. 
It takes courage to be loved. 

11. It takes strength to survive. 
It takes courage to live. 


[ Author Unknown -- 

A Date with Anxiety

I so desperately want to break up with my dear friend "anxiety." There are times we see each other EVERY SINGLE DAY! There are also times we can go weeks or even months without bumping into each other. (I like those times...A LOT!!) 

If you have ever suffered from anxiety you know how awful it can be. It consumes every ounce of anything good you have in yourself. The feeling that your heart is going to jump out of your chest, the sweat that pours out of your body, and oh my...the inability to relax, breath and just function all together. Yup...I have experienced all of the above with regular visits from the "Big A". Anxiety attacks would then turn into full blown panic attacks. Thankfully, over the years I have learned how to keep myself from letting it get the best of me. From a young age I have always dealt with some form of anxiety, as an adult I grew to recognize it and if I'm lucky I can control it. 

I was and am my own worst enemy, actually my mind is. I can be perfectly fine and then something minor pops into my head and WHAM!!! Out of nowhere I feel it slowly creeping up and before I know it there is nothing I can do besides sit and let it pass.

So what makes me anxious? Hmm...it's probably easiest to ask what doesn't. These days it takes something major to cause me to go into a frenzy. After I found out about my husband's affair it was almost daily I was suffering from my anxiety. The constant wondering of where he was, what he was doing and who he was with. To be honest, just him looking at me the wrong way would set it off. 

It wasn't fair to myself or to him. He wasn't making me think the things I was, or causing my mind to wonder. He didn't have to be doing anything wrong for me to make up my own scenarios and cause the panic and anxiety to surface. My thoughts, my fear and my insecurities were literally driving me to have panic attack after panic attack. Without a doubt a lot of it did stem from what he put me through. However, my thought process is what got me and kept me there and I would be lying if I said my mind doesn't go there any longer. I don't know that it will ever not go there. 

For those of you wondering, yes I have taken medication for it and yes it did help. I stopped after I learned how to control it on my own. It took years of hard work and determination to do so and there have been times that I have felt I couldn't handle things on my and needed help. Recognizing it is a huge step and getting help for it is even bigger. 

There are times our problems are bigger than we want to believe and accepting the fact that we may need help, whether it be medication, therapy or just a shoulder to cry on are necessary. I've learned that too much pride will get you nowhere but support will get you through anything. 

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is a time for loved ones to come together and give thanks for their many blessings.

This year for me it means so much more. As I look back, I see the many blessings God has provided for me and my family. We may not have a perfect life but we do have each other. That means more to me than anything else.

My husband and I have been through so much and yet we still try and remain strong. Of course at times we have our moments of fear, doubt and uncertainty that our marriage will survive. However, we take each day one at a time. We remind ourselves and each other why we are together. The love that bonds us is what helps us remain solid. Giving in for me was never an option, I tried and failed miserably. I can honestly say that today I am stronger than I was then. I know I can and will survive anything that comes my way.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that I will continue to be a stronger person. Not just for myself, but for my children and my husband.

I quite often question whether or not this is what God has planned for me. I take comfort in knowing that He will be holding my hand should things not turn out the way I want them to. That is very tough to swallow, what I want may not be what HE wants. I'm putting my trust in Him and will continue to do so through this entire process.

I know that many may not agree, condone, support or understand why I choose to live this life and I am OK with that. I am not looking for acceptance, approval or sympathy from anyone.   

I chose to start this blog for me! A way for me to share my story, no matter how dark it may get. We all have our stories, and I feel in my heart that God put me through this so that I may be able help others that are going through something similar. I did not choose to share my story to be critized or judged. I've had enough of that from some already. Until you have walked a day in my shoes you can not begin to understand what I have been through.

The pain I have felt is real and opening that door for others to see is scary. I knew from the beginning that I was going to open many doors I have tried to nail shut and it wasn't going to be easy to relive. I also knew that by doing so I was exposing not just my story, but my husbands also. I have been fighting the decision to share this publicly but have decided to follow my heart and take a risk.

Some days are harder than others but I look back and see how far I have come. Healing from such pain isn't an overnight process, it takes time and lots of hard work. Above all, it takes faith!