It's something that I feel waywards, those who have the affair, fail to understand. Is it because they hate the guilt that hits them when the betrayed spouse rehashes the past and the pain that went along with it? Or could it be that in their minds they're thinking "here we go again, just get over it already?" If only it were that easy...and if only they could take a deeper, more compassionate look into our minds. They should understand that it isn't something you can turn on or off anytime you wish. Triggers sneak in and before you can stop them they have already taken over your emotions.
I tend to get very frustrated with my husband when he dismisses my mood and gives me that "not again" look. While he is sympathetic when he realizes he does so it doesn't help all the things running through my head. I've learned that sometimes it is best to just patiently let it all flow through me and try and distract myself from showing him my emotions. If I constantly remind him and blame him I am stepping backwards instead of moving forward. Throwing his past in his face is a guaranteed way to ruin any progress we've made towards our future together.
IF you have betrayed your partner I need you to listen closely...be sympathetic and understanding when the person YOU hurt has one of these triggers! You put them in this position and you must remember that they didn't have a choice for your actions. They placed trust in you, and to be frank...you blew it! While you cannot change the past all you can do now is sincerely be there for them while they learn to cope with the fallout from your affair. If they could truly forget about all the pain and never think again about all the details they know they would, unfortunately they can't. Keep in mind that they will have good days and bad days, on their bad days is when they need you more than ever. Remind them that you love them and are truly sorry for what you have done to them. Help them understand that even though you aren't in their shoes you know they are hurting and you're willing to do anything possible to ease their pain. Be patient and never ever say these words to them...."It's been long enough, you need to stop thinking about it and let it go!"
I've always had some bitterness towards my husband about this very thing. He is one who can easily move on and in a sense forget what he did, it's common with waywards from what I hear. They do the damage and then expect us to forget about it as if it's as easy as flipping a switch to a light. The only times he is reminded is when I am having one of my moments and reality hits me dead on in the face and I can't make it go away. He does his best to be by my side and reassure me of everything good but he also knows that it's because of his doing and all he can do at this point is talk me down from the ledge so I don't fall into a pit of sorrow.
Whether you're the betrayed or the wayward spouse you must keep in mind that this will be a long, slow process. Especially for the betrayed. It's something that you didn't ask for yet you are the one who will suffer the consequences for a very long time. Little movies that play in your head and no matter how much you try to stop them you just can't turn them off. There isn't a magical pill you can take that will erase what you know but there are ways you can learn to fast forward and eventually stop them before they consume your ability to focus on anything else. For me, I remind myself that the other woman is no longer worth my time, thoughts or energy. She has already consumed so much of me; I refuse to give her anymore of myself because I am a better, stronger woman and worth so much more than she will ever be. And so are you!!
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