We made it. OUR MARRIAGE IS 100% HEALED!! Kind of....
Ok, maybe we're still a work in progress. I'm pretty sure we'll always be a work in progress, but we are so much further than we were just a couple of years ago. This past year has been a true test of our faith, love and patience. Not because we are struggling, but because our lives have completely flipped and changed. We have built a new and solid relationship with each other this year and learned so much about ourselves and each other. We're strong, our children are happy and we are all exactly where we are meant to be.
Y'all....my life is pretty darn great right now! During my quiet time I often sit there and tell myself..."you deserve this...you worked your ass off for this...ENJOY IT!!" It's true, I worked so hard to find my happiness...to find myself and to love myself again. To find my peace again. I was so mad for so long, I felt that as the wife and mother I had failed them. And bad. I felt for too long that I was supposed to be the glue that held it all together, that's what women do, right? Mommy is supposed to know how to fix everything, wives are supposed to know what to do when things are falling apart. As women we feel pressured to have it all together and guess what...we don't, and that's ok! I was so fixated on making everything right that I failed miserably. I was my own worse enemy. For every step I took forward I was knocked back 10 more.
I didn't know how to fix anything. I tried and I fought myself and my husband to make our lives "normal" again. I finally decided it was time to stop fighting and just let it be. I had to take a step back and let life happen. That's what I have done over the past year and a half...I've just let life be! It feels great!! I/WE have found our happiness again. I'm not scared of the unknown anymore...in fact, I am excited for it. I can't wait to see all that God has in store for me, and I am not afraid to say that whatever blessings He hands me I deserve! But oh my, He has already done so much for me...I'd rather He help someone else find their deserved happiness because it's such a wonder feeling of comfort after a torrential storm.
I want to encourage anyone reading this to be patient. I waited so long to feel like a normal person again. There were moments I was ready to give up the fight. Times I opened the door for my husband to leave and secretly hoping he would just so I wouldn't have to hurt anymore, but he never completely left. If he did it was just for a short time, then he would come back only to repeat it time after time. When you live your life not knowing if you'll have stability from one day to the next it takes a toll on you. It causes you to become more angry at yourself rather than the one hurting you...because you allow it to happen. I can't speak for my husband but the one thing that kept me going was the hope that I would find my love again. And this year he has proven so much to me, I was too focused on myself that I was somewhat blind to the strong man he was molding himself into. He was quietly working on himself and I almost didn't see it. It's things like that that make me happy I hung on for dear life for the scariest ride of my life. Of course I wish I had never gotten on that roller coaster, but now I'm glad I was courageous enough to not let go.
There comes a time in our lives that we must step back, let go and take a different path than that we are on. There are no promises that we will find happiness instantly, but in time we will see that we are one step farther than before.
If we choose to remain where we are then we must learn to let go of past animosity, fear, doubt and insecurities. When we allow someone to control our every move, thought or feeling we are no longer doing for ourselves. We allow them to win, to keep control over us. Without realizing it we're closing the door to our own happiness. I've been silent for a while because I have focused all of my attention on myself, my husband and our children. We're all in a great place. In the past Thanksgiving has sometimes been a struggle for me and unfortunately my children. Several years ago we spent our first Thanksgiving without our protector, without our comforter. This year we celebrated all that we are thankful for and new beginnings was at the top of my list.
I'll admit that in the middle of my day, as my husband wrapped his arms around me I had a bit of a "relapse". For an instant I let our past get in my brain. I hugged him tighter and forced it out of my head. I wasn't going to allow anyone or anything to ruin our moment. I hadn't had those thoughts in quite a while, I've had to remind myself that I am in control of me. I control how I feel, I will not be my own worst enemy by rekindling that hurt that I have healed inside of me. I will not allow the past, insecurities, individuals, and certainly not allow doubt to find a place to linger inside of me. I am done!! I'm determined to live in the moment, to embrace my happiness.
I have been so blessed over this past year that I can't help but sometimes think that the man upstairs has me mixed up with someone more deserving. I'm still working on accepting that He really is mending my broken heart. That HE isn't finished with me yet!
I'll leave you with this one last thought....When you feel as though what hurt you takes you to that deep dark place remind yourself that YOU are in control. Only you can come out of it and only you can veer onto another path, the one you choose to design for yourself. For your own happiness.
Step #1....Ignore the title because there are no steps!
There is nothing you can do to make your marriage perfect. You can make it bearable, but not perfect. You may even find happiness the majority of the time if you're lucky.
The truth is...your spouse is going to make you mad. They're going to make you yell, cry, and question why the heck you even married them in the first place. There will be occasions you will talk until you're blue in the face and it will do absolutely no good!! They call that "nagging". You'll learn to compromise on certain things and you'll also find that there are times you won't see eye to eye. And oh my gosh will they annoy you! Guess what.....THAT'S OK!!
Those "ugly" moments in your marriage are what give it life. Sure, it would be nice if everything we said and suggested was agreed upon. I personally would love if my husband never raised his voice at me or didn't come back at me with the same harsh tone I used on him. It would be great if every time I asked him for something he responded by jumping up immediately and did what I wanted. Unfortunately, it takes several requests and a few of my wifely death stares as I walk away mumbling to myself to get him to even notice I'm not happy. He then huffs and puffs and says something I can never quite make out, but I'm sure it's not "yes, Dear...anything you say, Dear." There are times I want to smack him and say "listen buddy...I'm right, you're wrong." When I do muster up the guts to let him have it I find myself in a lose, lose situation. He gets mad, I get mad and we end up wasting time. The really sad part is that I usually forget why I was even mad in the first place.
That's what a marriage is...it's give and take. It isn't meant to be easy and it sure as hell isn't for the timid. You learn that there are times you must pick your battles, because if you don't you will always end up as the unhappy one. While you're sitting there fuming on the inside your spouse probably has no clue what they did or why you're even mad.They're only thinking "great, what's wrong now? Hopefully it doesn't last long!" If they're like my husband, they'll refrain from asking, because let's be honest...who WANTS to open up a can of worms?!? ME!!! That's who. I ask. I would rather deal with the havoc from figuring out what's wrong as opposed to ignoring the issue at hand. Sure, it may lead to something ugly but I figure I either go big or go home. It's called communication. And I'm learning that it's a necessary survival skill in my marriage.
Maybe there is such a thing as a perfect marriage...I've yet to discover it. It's probably my husband's fault. ;) We choose to live a life of loud words, deep stares (and not the ones that melt your heart...I mean the ones that can melt your soul), and it works for us. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. We balance each other out and while there are times I wish he and I could be like those celebrity couples that live the perfect life I am grateful that we aren't. Our relationship is real, we laugh, yell, ignore, and love with every ounce within our heart. Through our madness we have learned to communicate in a healthy way and it's made us focus more on how we should come together to fix an issue instead of brushing it under the rug so we don't upset each one another.
It's a learning process, for us it's been a 15 year lesson....some would say that we are slow learners, but I choose to believe that we are perfecting our skills. I try to remember 3 simple words when I'm at my wits end with my darling husband...STOP, LISTEN, RESPOND. I had those reversed for a loooong time and the aftermath was never what I expected or wanted. I'm still learning to catch myself when I get the order wrong, but it isn't as often anymore. I'm glad I still mess up every now and then, it keeps the marriage alive and less storybook.
If I leave you with anything today, let it be this....you're going to raise your voice, get unhappy with each other and you may even have nasty thoughts about your spouse. Don't let those ugly moments keep you from enjoying time with your spouse. Choose to stop, listen and respond. Before you know it the storm will have passed and no time wasted.
