3 Mistakes Keeping You From Healing

We all handle stress differently, dealing with infidelity can take its toll on the betrayed physically, mentally and emotionally. For some it's anger, denial, seclusion, or becoming someone you have never been...good or bad. I've pointed out 3 of the biggest mistakes we make to keep us from healing and moving forward. 

1. Coping In Unproductive Ways: 
All we want is the life we once had, a rewind button. As the pain sets in we find ways to numb that pain. Whether our escape is alcohol, sleep, drugs or shutting the world out. At the time we fail to consider the consequences of our choices, all we know is that for a short moment we aren't hurting anymore. We aren't sitting and thinking about our situation or how much it hurts, it's a nice temporary escape, until we wake from our numbness and face facts once again. That's exactly what it is though, a short escape from reality and while it may be a nice break it can come with some life changing and long term effects. In reality, it's not worth it. We must find productive ways to cope because when that temporary fix is gone our problems will still be there. 

2. Obsessing Over Why They Cheated: 
Oh, that's a huge mistake I made. I spent more time trying to figure out the "why" than thinking about the "what now". It's an answer that you sometimes never fully get, an answer that changes each time it's asked as you dig deeper into the healing process. If we spend our time focusing on that one question we take a downward spiral that leads to a horrible pity party. We get to a point where everything in our life, including ourselves, is anything but perfect. It's not even worthy enough for them, that's why they strayed from the marriage right? WRONG!! They strayed because they are weak and were on a quest to find something that didn't exist! They cheated because they thought they could get away with it, and there is nothing you could have done differently to keep them from destroying everything. Don't focus too much on the why...instead, focus on healing and moving forward. 

3. Unreasonable Expectations About Time: 
Healing from infidelity does not have an end date!! There is no time frame and no matter what, you cannot rush the process. Especially if your spouse is saying "you need to let it go." They may have been able to move on from what they did, they'll do anything to forget what they caused. The longer it takes you to move on the more they are reminded of everything they did wrong. No one likes to have a constant reminder of their mistakes or bad choices. To that I say...Oh well! They caused your pain and they need to understand that you need time to heal. As times goes by you will notice the time spent not thinking about the affair...that will be a bittersweet day, or it was for me at least. I was happy because I realized I didn't have that dark cloud over me but I was a little afraid that I had just learned to ignore my problems. That wasn't the case...I was healing and once I realized that I was no longer afraid. It's taken me years to be where I am and as much as I wish it would have been an overnight process I am grateful it wasn't. I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much through this process. 

Healing takes time, I wish I could tell others how long it will take them to get through this, but unfortunately it's different for everyone. Some heal quickly while the rest of us require more time. Either way, there is light at the end of the tunnel...you can't see it, but know that it is there. 

15 Years Ago

Fifteen years ago today I stood in front of the man that stole my heart and I became his wife. I remember being scared, excited and oh so loved. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world and 15 years later, in spite of our trials I still feel that way.

The day I accepted his proposal I had no idea what I would have to endure years later. I didn't know that our life would go from being picture perfect to broken and almost beyond repair. It seems unbelievable now that we are still married, and that we actually love one another again. I honestly didn't think we would make it this far, and as much as I hoped to be that couple we were on our wedding day I never truly thought it was possible.

We aren't the same two people we were on our wedding day. We are stronger and have learned to appreciate life, love, and each other more than ever before. Infidelity has taught me that I am strong, patient, how to have hope and how to love unconditionally. I have learned so much about my marriage, my husband and myself from our experiences. When I was ready to join my husband in giving up on my marriage he took the initiative to step up and make things right after all the destruction he placed in our lives. When I was weak, he became the strong one. When our marriage was broken and our love almost non-existent we both shifted our focus on our family and on each other. We have both grown tremendously and it amazes me that we are in this wonderful happy place again.

I understand how delicate and precious life is. I have learned to appreciate what life has thrown at me. If it had not been so hard I would not have known just how strong I can be. I would not have known how to truly be grateful for the life I am living today.

I thank God for bringing us back together. Our paths crossed 17 years ago and life has never been the same. Through all of the heartache we survived, and while I try not to dwell any longer on what has happened, I try to remember that I am right where I want to be. I love my husband and the life we continue to build...together, as husband and wife! I want our story to be an inspiration to those that are learning to love again. Anything is possible!

Happy Anniversary, my love!

It's Time...

Has there ever been something that weighs so heavily on your heart that you just can't ignore it, no matter how much you try? In fact, the harder you do try to push it aside the heavier it gets. I've been battling with forgiveness for a very long time now and ignoring it doesn't seem to be working. The Christian in me keeps saying "That's God talking to you, stupid!!" while the woman I've been coddling and trying so hard to protect is saying "Don't forget the pain you've endured from these people, why should you forgive them?"

Do I want to forgive?? No!! Why should I forgive someone who is guilty of hurting me, whether it be by their words or their actions? What gives them the right to say or do something that is so hurtful and selfish, something that not only affected me, but also my children? I feel that if I forgive these individuals I am giving them the satisfaction of being able to move on and think "Oh good, she forgave me...all is well in the world."

I've wrestled with questions as to whether I have actually forgiven my husband long ago. Is that what this is all about? Is God saying that I haven't actually forgiven this man? No...He's not telling me it's my husband I should forgive. I've already done that, and I know in my heart exactly who he is talking about. I know who I am to forgive and more importantly why I should. I need to forgive the people that have spit their nasty words out at me. I need to forgive the disgusting being that so openly welcomed a married man, MY husband, into her arms and her bed. I need to forgive those that have hurt me in any way, shape or form in the past. As much as I don't want to, I know that I have to...not for them, not so that they can have a clear conscience for their actions. I have to do this for ME!! For my peace, for me to be able to completely let go of anger, hate and this heavy weight deep within me.

Am I saying that once I forgive them I will want them back in my life...absolutely not! I'm not stupid, but I am ready to release the animosity I feel in my heart. I'm ready to know that if I ever cross paths with any of them I can accept who they truly are and what they are capable of. I can look at them and not want to wring their necks but instead hold my head high and show myself that I am better than that.

I've spent too long giving my thoughts to people that do not deserve a fraction of myself. They have shown me the type of person I never want to be and that sometimes when a person is damaged themselves they have no problem hurting others. It's easy for me to say that those who hurt others are cruel, selfish and horrible human beings but in all honesty I know they are not. At some point they were a part of my life, family I loved, friends I enjoyed, acquaintances and strangers I may have been cordial to and wanted to get to know better if they had not betrayed me in some way. Unfortunately, I saw the ugly side of those people and they have taught me that I no longer have time nor want anyone that doesn't display love and respect for me or my family in my life. 

A sad part of being hurt is learning to forgive even when you have not and will never receive a sincere apology from the one that hurt you. Some people are not capable of swallowing their pride and accepting responsibility for their wrong doings. I do believe that the guilt will eventually eat at them and maybe, just maybe they will step up one day and try to right their wrongs. If we sit and wait for the day we hear "I'm sorry" we may be in waiting for the rest of our lives. We must find a way to forgive so that we ourselves can finally have peace. 

I've decided that it's time I forgive and release all that weighs so heavy on my heart. I know I will still have days that I cringe at the thought of those who pained me, but I am choosing to believe that by me forgiving them I am no longer allowing them to have control over me. It's taken me a very long time to accept that this is the next step of my healing process. In order to continue to grow it's time for me to forgive and let go.