If you regularly follow my blog you've probably noticed that lately I haven't been doing much writing. It isn't by choice...I've been dealing with some personal health issues and one of the downfalls is the sudden loss of my train of thought. I'm doing well and while I have been trying to complete posts I've started, it is difficult to remain focused and actually finish what I am working on at the time. However, I was able to complete a post for today...I hope it helps anyone in need at the moment. =)
There are certain things that happen to us that cause us fear. It's natural to be afraid of something or to be afraid that something is going to happen. If we are so afraid of something we can sometimes become obsessed with the thought that it's really going to happen.
For instance...if a person has been cheated on they fear their partner will do it again. That fear then turns into an obsession of trying to keep an eye on them, having to know where they are at all times, who they are spending their lunch break with or shoot...even wondering why they are spending so much time in the bathroom. It's an unhealthy obsession and one that consumes you more often than not.
How do you stop?
I found that for me personally I had to hear my husband say "if you keep digging you're going to find something you won't like." My first thought was "you son of a goat, you're cheating again", but I quickly realized he meant I would continue to pour salt on old wounds. And I did. I became obsessed with "stalking" him that I started going back and I found places he had visited, old pictures and ugly details from the past. He was right, I had so many feelings resurface and he wasn't even doing anything wrong. I made myself miserable, which in turn made him miserable, and ultimately we were both back to where we had begun. I tried to keep quiet and not rehash old wounds, but my mouth would take over and I'd bring up his past all over again. I wasted so much of the present because I resurfaced the past.
In order to let go of pain, heartache and the past, we must learn to end our obsession of trying to "catch" them doing something wrong. When fear takes over, and it will, it's always best to remember that we can't be afraid of what has already happened. Fear isn't going to change what choices they make, but it will get in the way of your healing process and in the recovery of rebuilding your marriage.
They say that time heals all wounds...I have to disagree just a bit with that saying. While time does heal certain wounds, it doesn't completely make them disappear.
I read the other day that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair...forgive me while I roll my eyes and chuckle at this! Maybe for some that is the case, but I'd like to know if they ever still have thoughts of the affair? Do they no longer have sad days, reminders of being hurt or little triggers that remind them of their spouse's unfaithfulness? Do you ever really "get over" it? I know the one who did the betraying does...I imagine for them they make it happen almost immediately so they no longer feel guilt for the damage they've caused.
However, for the one that was hurt...it's a little more complicated. While we can learn to move on and deal with our day to day routines, we don't always have the ability to turn off certain parts of a movie that's embedded into our minds. As time goes on we do learn little tricks to fast forward those scenes and if we are able to, we can learn to ignore them as soon as they creep upon us. We didn't ask for them to be played over and over. All we want is to forget and never look back, we want our time lost back.
It's hard to explain this to the one that has done the unthinkable. You can't put a timeframe on mending a broken heart or expecting forgiveness immediately. Everything takes time and if you're one of the lucky ones that can move past certain situations quickly, I admire you. I'm not one that can do that. I can't just flip a switch and say, "oh well...time to let it go and move on with life."
One of the major obstacles with my husband and myself is that he is one of those people that can speed up the process of letting things go, while I am the complete opposite. I need time, lots and lots of time! I have tried to make myself forgive and forget, but my brain doesn't work that way. It takes me a while to process everything and after I've had time to let it all sink in I find myself dwelling on what has happened. It isn't a choice; it's just how my mind operates.
Over time, I have been able to spend less time sulking, questioning and wallowing in self-pity. What works for me is playing mind games. If I begin to think about his affair I quickly start reminding myself that I am better than the other woman. I am, in fact, better than my husband. I didn't deserve to be hurt and while I have made the choice to continue in my marriage I know I will be a happier, stronger person for fighting for what I want and the one I love. If I allow myself to spend time in that dark place I lose something very valuable...time. The time I should be spending enjoying special moments with my husband and my children. Life continues to move passed, and I would rather live in the now as opposed to the then.
Time is something we can never get back, why should we spend our time letting someone control our life and our happiness? Especially when one can almost guarantee they are not giving one ounce of their time feeling or showing remorse for destroying the lives of others. Time is precious and we should spend it wisely!!
We all handle stress differently, dealing with infidelity can take its toll on the betrayed physically, mentally and emotionally. For some it's anger, denial, seclusion, or becoming someone you have never been...good or bad. I've pointed out 3 of the biggest mistakes we make to keep us from healing and moving forward.
1. Coping In Unproductive Ways:
All we want is the life we once had, a rewind button. As the pain sets in we find ways to numb that pain. Whether our escape is alcohol, sleep, drugs or shutting the world out. At the time we fail to consider the consequences of our choices, all we know is that for a short moment we aren't hurting anymore. We aren't sitting and thinking about our situation or how much it hurts, it's a nice temporary escape, until we wake from our numbness and face facts once again. That's exactly what it is though, a short escape from reality and while it may be a nice break it can come with some life changing and long term effects. In reality, it's not worth it. We must find productive ways to cope because when that temporary fix is gone our problems will still be there.
2. Obsessing Over Why They Cheated:
Oh, that's a huge mistake I made. I spent more time trying to figure out the "why" than thinking about the "what now". It's an answer that you sometimes never fully get, an answer that changes each time it's asked as you dig deeper into the healing process. If we spend our time focusing on that one question we take a downward spiral that leads to a horrible pity party. We get to a point where everything in our life, including ourselves, is anything but perfect. It's not even worthy enough for them, that's why they strayed from the marriage right? WRONG!! They strayed because they are weak and were on a quest to find something that didn't exist! They cheated because they thought they could get away with it, and there is nothing you could have done differently to keep them from destroying everything. Don't focus too much on the why...instead, focus on healing and moving forward.
3. Unreasonable Expectations About Time:
Healing from infidelity does not have an end date!! There is no time frame and no matter what, you cannot rush the process. Especially if your spouse is saying "you need to let it go." They may have been able to move on from what they did, they'll do anything to forget what they caused. The longer it takes you to move on the more they are reminded of everything they did wrong. No one likes to have a constant reminder of their mistakes or bad choices. To that I say...Oh well! They caused your pain and they need to understand that you need time to heal. As times goes by you will notice the time spent not thinking about the affair...that will be a bittersweet day, or it was for me at least. I was happy because I realized I didn't have that dark cloud over me but I was a little afraid that I had just learned to ignore my problems. That wasn't the case...I was healing and once I realized that I was no longer afraid. It's taken me years to be where I am and as much as I wish it would have been an overnight process I am grateful it wasn't. I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much through this process.
Healing takes time, I wish I could tell others how long it will take them to get through this, but unfortunately it's different for everyone. Some heal quickly while the rest of us require more time. Either way, there is light at the end of the tunnel...you can't see it, but know that it is there.
In order to let go of pain, heartache and the past, we must learn to end our obsession of trying to "catch" them doing something wrong. When fear takes over, and it will, it's always best to remember that we can't be afraid of what has already happened. Fear isn't going to change what choices they make, but it will get in the way of your healing process and in the recovery of rebuilding your marriage. 
