Spare Me No Detail

I am a person that NEEDS to know details, I need to know the good, the bad and the ugly of any situation. My husband's affair was no different. I talked myself out of it for a while but I knew that if I didn't find out everything I could my imagination would run wild. My husband, of course, didn't want to share because he knew I would be hurt all over again but he did as I asked and I imagine that in some ways it might have been a relief for him. At that point there were no more secrets for him to be hiding. 

In my head I felt that if I knew everything I could move on faster. That plan backfired because years later I still have good days and bad days. I still have nights I dream of what I know about the situation and the wounds still hurt from time to time. Being hard headed and knowing the consequences of my wanting to know I still pushed to find out everything. I know...sick and twisted!! I'll explain how it helped, so keep an open mind if you would because some may not understand.  

Before I knew details I had my own ideas of what happened, I would imagine all sorts of different scenarios and none of them were good. I thought the worst possible things and I learned that my imagination can go pretty far and to a very ugly place. It's as if I was mentally writing a book, and it wasn't a romance novel, that's for sure. Instead, it was a gut wrenching picture book. I found myself getting so mad at my husband and I was torturing myself by not knowing actual details, actual facts. 

After he agreed to spill I asked every question imaginable, and I knew I wouldn't like hearing it but I went for it. I figured I wouldn't get this chance so easily again. I didn't want him to sugarcoat anything and I asked that no matter what I wanted to know he tell me the absolute truth. It would leave me at peace in a way. I would no longer have to wonder what happened and my mind didn't have any chance to think up it's own ugly story. I know that sounds like a crazy request but I have spoken to other women that have been in my shoes and they too agree. Knowing the truth and what comes with it does help in many ways. 

I'll admit, it was very hard to listen to and hearing your husband tell you what he did, said and felt during his affair does hurt, oh my gosh how it hurts! BUT it actually does help with the moving on process. I'm glad I was strong enough to stomach it all and in many ways it wasn't as bad as I dreamed up on my own. Now, don't get me wrong...what I learned was horrible. It was more of what he would tell her, especially about our marriage and how he described me that was hard, harder than hearing what they did. 

It was something he and I could try to bury and I didn't have to sit and wonder any longer. For him it was a chance to no longer hold on to secrets and for me it was an opportunity to test his honesty.

Some may be wondering if there are times I regret wanting to know the details...absolutely NOT!! My darn imagination is far worse and I was able to rid myself of all the "I bet this happened, and I'm sure he told her this and that?" I closed my nasty, depressing picture book for good!!