15 Years Ago

Fifteen years ago today I stood in front of the man that stole my heart and I became his wife. I remember being scared, excited and oh so loved. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world and 15 years later, in spite of our trials I still feel that way.

The day I accepted his proposal I had no idea what I would have to endure years later. I didn't know that our life would go from being picture perfect to broken and almost beyond repair. It seems unbelievable now that we are still married, and that we actually love one another again. I honestly didn't think we would make it this far, and as much as I hoped to be that couple we were on our wedding day I never truly thought it was possible.

We aren't the same two people we were on our wedding day. We are stronger and have learned to appreciate life, love, and each other more than ever before. Infidelity has taught me that I am strong, patient, how to have hope and how to love unconditionally. I have learned so much about my marriage, my husband and myself from our experiences. When I was ready to join my husband in giving up on my marriage he took the initiative to step up and make things right after all the destruction he placed in our lives. When I was weak, he became the strong one. When our marriage was broken and our love almost non-existent we both shifted our focus on our family and on each other. We have both grown tremendously and it amazes me that we are in this wonderful happy place again.

I understand how delicate and precious life is. I have learned to appreciate what life has thrown at me. If it had not been so hard I would not have known just how strong I can be. I would not have known how to truly be grateful for the life I am living today.

I thank God for bringing us back together. Our paths crossed 17 years ago and life has never been the same. Through all of the heartache we survived, and while I try not to dwell any longer on what has happened, I try to remember that I am right where I want to be. I love my husband and the life we continue to build...together, as husband and wife! I want our story to be an inspiration to those that are learning to love again. Anything is possible!

Happy Anniversary, my love!

It's Time...

Has there ever been something that weighs so heavily on your heart that you just can't ignore it, no matter how much you try? In fact, the harder you do try to push it aside the heavier it gets. I've been battling with forgiveness for a very long time now and ignoring it doesn't seem to be working. The Christian in me keeps saying "That's God talking to you, stupid!!" while the woman I've been coddling and trying so hard to protect is saying "Don't forget the pain you've endured from these people, why should you forgive them?"

Do I want to forgive?? No!! Why should I forgive someone who is guilty of hurting me, whether it be by their words or their actions? What gives them the right to say or do something that is so hurtful and selfish, something that not only affected me, but also my children? I feel that if I forgive these individuals I am giving them the satisfaction of being able to move on and think "Oh good, she forgave me...all is well in the world."

I've wrestled with questions as to whether I have actually forgiven my husband long ago. Is that what this is all about? Is God saying that I haven't actually forgiven this man? No...He's not telling me it's my husband I should forgive. I've already done that, and I know in my heart exactly who he is talking about. I know who I am to forgive and more importantly why I should. I need to forgive the people that have spit their nasty words out at me. I need to forgive the disgusting being that so openly welcomed a married man, MY husband, into her arms and her bed. I need to forgive those that have hurt me in any way, shape or form in the past. As much as I don't want to, I know that I have to...not for them, not so that they can have a clear conscience for their actions. I have to do this for ME!! For my peace, for me to be able to completely let go of anger, hate and this heavy weight deep within me.

Am I saying that once I forgive them I will want them back in my life...absolutely not! I'm not stupid, but I am ready to release the animosity I feel in my heart. I'm ready to know that if I ever cross paths with any of them I can accept who they truly are and what they are capable of. I can look at them and not want to wring their necks but instead hold my head high and show myself that I am better than that.

I've spent too long giving my thoughts to people that do not deserve a fraction of myself. They have shown me the type of person I never want to be and that sometimes when a person is damaged themselves they have no problem hurting others. It's easy for me to say that those who hurt others are cruel, selfish and horrible human beings but in all honesty I know they are not. At some point they were a part of my life, family I loved, friends I enjoyed, acquaintances and strangers I may have been cordial to and wanted to get to know better if they had not betrayed me in some way. Unfortunately, I saw the ugly side of those people and they have taught me that I no longer have time nor want anyone that doesn't display love and respect for me or my family in my life. 

A sad part of being hurt is learning to forgive even when you have not and will never receive a sincere apology from the one that hurt you. Some people are not capable of swallowing their pride and accepting responsibility for their wrong doings. I do believe that the guilt will eventually eat at them and maybe, just maybe they will step up one day and try to right their wrongs. If we sit and wait for the day we hear "I'm sorry" we may be in waiting for the rest of our lives. We must find a way to forgive so that we ourselves can finally have peace. 

I've decided that it's time I forgive and release all that weighs so heavy on my heart. I know I will still have days that I cringe at the thought of those who pained me, but I am choosing to believe that by me forgiving them I am no longer allowing them to have control over me. It's taken me a very long time to accept that this is the next step of my healing process. In order to continue to grow it's time for me to forgive and let go.  

What Keeps Us Together?

I spend a lot of time observing relationships of those around me. Some might call it "stalking" but I call it necessary "research." ;)

If you hop on any social media outlet you see the good, bad, and sometimes ugly sides of relationships. Whether they are just dating, married, or divorced. Some air out their dirty laundry for anyone and everyone to see, while others keep quiet and only pop their heads out when something wonderful or unexpected happens. I am one who likes to keep the relationship private. I know what you're thinking..."You sure do air it all out on your blog though!!" Yes, I do. But that's different!! =)

My heart smiles when I see a couple that has been married for several years and they still like each other!! They give me hope that with determination and an abundance of love you can survive anything together. Those are the couples that we should all pay close attention to. I'm sure they have had their share of issues, just like any other couple. I like to listen to how they communicate, watch how affectionate they are and I just love to hear how much they have grown over the years as one. They are a true testament of what marriage is all about. 

Then there are the young couples, you know which one's I'm talking about. The one's that can't keep their hands off each other, how they smile through their eyes when their partner walks into the room. I envy those at times because I'll be honest...I've been married almost 15 years and the "honeymoon" phase is long gone at times. We are still affectionate towards one another, but the "lust" isn't always there. The moments it is we respectfully keep it private for when we are alone, because after all...some things are meant to stay behind closed doors and not on display for everyone to see. 

Lastly, there are the couples that are waaaay too comfortable with each other. They no longer feel the need to give their spouse compliments, affection, and at times respect. They've become stuck in the day to day life of marriage. Instead of healthy communication they talk at each other, not to each other. They expect their significant other to read their mind and sadly, gratitude and respect for one another is almost non-existent. The love may still there, but it isn't shown very often. Those couples have lost focus on why they fell in love in the first place. I may be wrong for saying this, but those are the couples that may be in the path of disaster. 

We were that couple for a very long time. Life got in the way and we just found ourselves going through the motions of parenthood, work, finances and everyday life. Healthy communication was far and in between and it was more talking about what we didn't agree on or what we weren't getting from one another. We ignored major problems we were having. After so long of not appreciating each other, no longer showing our desire for one another and making excuses for not making time for US, we strayed from each other. Ultimately our lack of care for our marriage caused the door to open for someone to easily step in between us. By the time we realized we had a major problem it was too late. 

Fast forward to now....

We make our marriage and one another a top priority again; we openly share our feelings as opposed to keeping them hidden. More importantly...we remain focused on one another and remind ourselves that when we don't do these things, we lose the bond we share. We strive to show our children and each other that the love is there and while we may not always agree on everything, we communicate and compromise. Sometimes we agree to disagree and that's ok. It took years of screaming at each other to get our point across before we learned that none of that was necessary or healthy. We now make time for one another and we embrace the fact that we survived something so horrific in our marriage. And we did it together! 

I think every couple has different seasons in their lives, some repeating quite often. We all struggle and we all sometimes lose sight of what brought us together. But we cannot forget that it is love, respect, and everything wonderful about our spouses that keep us together. It's the way they make us smile when we are down, the kiss goodnight, the times they shelter us from pain and the crazy ways they make us laugh to keep from pulling our hair out. It's those things that make our heart whole.