Spare Me No Detail

I am a person that NEEDS to know details, I need to know the good, the bad and the ugly of any situation. My husband's affair was no different. I talked myself out of it for a while but I knew that if I didn't find out everything I could my imagination would run wild. My husband, of course, didn't want to share because he knew I would be hurt all over again but he did as I asked and I imagine that in some ways it might have been a relief for him. At that point there were no more secrets for him to be hiding. 

In my head I felt that if I knew everything I could move on faster. That plan backfired because years later I still have good days and bad days. I still have nights I dream of what I know about the situation and the wounds still hurt from time to time. Being hard headed and knowing the consequences of my wanting to know I still pushed to find out everything. I know...sick and twisted!! I'll explain how it helped, so keep an open mind if you would because some may not understand.  

Before I knew details I had my own ideas of what happened, I would imagine all sorts of different scenarios and none of them were good. I thought the worst possible things and I learned that my imagination can go pretty far and to a very ugly place. It's as if I was mentally writing a book, and it wasn't a romance novel, that's for sure. Instead, it was a gut wrenching picture book. I found myself getting so mad at my husband and I was torturing myself by not knowing actual details, actual facts. 

After he agreed to spill I asked every question imaginable, and I knew I wouldn't like hearing it but I went for it. I figured I wouldn't get this chance so easily again. I didn't want him to sugarcoat anything and I asked that no matter what I wanted to know he tell me the absolute truth. It would leave me at peace in a way. I would no longer have to wonder what happened and my mind didn't have any chance to think up it's own ugly story. I know that sounds like a crazy request but I have spoken to other women that have been in my shoes and they too agree. Knowing the truth and what comes with it does help in many ways. 

I'll admit, it was very hard to listen to and hearing your husband tell you what he did, said and felt during his affair does hurt, oh my gosh how it hurts! BUT it actually does help with the moving on process. I'm glad I was strong enough to stomach it all and in many ways it wasn't as bad as I dreamed up on my own. Now, don't get me wrong...what I learned was horrible. It was more of what he would tell her, especially about our marriage and how he described me that was hard, harder than hearing what they did. 

It was something he and I could try to bury and I didn't have to sit and wonder any longer. For him it was a chance to no longer hold on to secrets and for me it was an opportunity to test his honesty.

Some may be wondering if there are times I regret wanting to know the details...absolutely NOT!! My darn imagination is far worse and I was able to rid myself of all the "I bet this happened, and I'm sure he told her this and that?" I closed my nasty, depressing picture book for good!! 

I Love You, But...

Not enough to tell you or any else the truth.....

As a betrayed spouse it's hard to know that your husband/wife tells another person they want and love them. They tell them anything and everything it takes to make that person believe they are special and they are the only one they want to be with. All the while they are at home telling their spouse the exact same things. The only difference is they are more than likely bashing their spouse, complaining how miserable they are and how they want to leave them but just can't for whatever reasons.

Little does their affair partner know that more than likely they had every opportunity to leave anytime they wanted. Nothing holding them back or tying them down. They may say that but in my opinion that's just their way of being too cowardly to actually leave their spouse for someone they know they have no desire of a future with. The affair partner is just a temporary fix; someone who is willing to devalue themselves until they get tossed aside by the very person that promised them everything they never intended to deliver. Almost like a toy, you get bored with it and then move on to something else that looks more fun.  

My husband is the perfect example of that type of person. He has always said he felt that I guilted him into staying with me, that I would take his children away from him, his family would disown him, I would take him "to the cleaners" for every dime he has...the list goes on and on. I will admit that years ago, I did try and change his mind, I did beg him to stay; I reminded him of what he would be losing and asked him if that's what he truly wanted. As time went on, and even to this day I tell him that I will no longer beg him to stay, he can have whatever he wants and I would want nothing more to do with him if he were to leave. That is my personal preference; I couldn't face him knowing that he was no longer mine. I have given him an out many times if he was or is unhappy and with that comes no guilt, begging, sympathy or strings attached. He knows and has always known that he is free to go and do as he pleases with whoever he chooses. 

I know he held that truth to others, he has admitted to me that he blames me when he has to explain why he has said he "has" to stay with me. He makes me out to be the bad guy that is twisting his arm to stay, the one who MAKES him stay or he will lose everything. Isn't it funny how that happens? **eyes rolling** It just proves that anyone stupid enough to have an affair with a married man will fall for anything! Honestly, it pisses me off when I hear a person say "he/she is only staying with their spouse because they are being forced to." or "it must suck to be so miserable and HAVE to stay or they'll lose everything." Come on, how ignorant can anyone really be to believe that? Well...never mind....this is the same person who is willing to be with a married person.

I know it's ridiculous to believe my husband, or any person willing to cheat could actually be a liar! (Sarcastic tone and more eye rolling)

The truth is...when you are starting a relationship based on lies and deceit do you really trust you can believe ANYTHING they tell you? I'll give credit where credit is due...if you don't know they are married you will believe what they say. However, if you know they are married and you think they are feeding their spouse lies and you the truth you are a damn fool!! They may tell you they love only you, you're beautiful, you're special, you make them feel loved and wanted. Be honest with yourself...did they leave you to go back home to their spouse? IF they really felt all those things about you they wouldn't be lying to you in the first place and they sure wouldn't be returning home to their spouse every night. They would leave their spouse and live that life they promise you, instead of the one they claim is sooo miserable. 

I have asked my husband, before writing this post as a matter of fact, if my take on it is correct and his response was "yes". Saying what a person wants to hear is a guarantee that they will agree to continue seeing you. They are merely just another distraction until the next willing body comes along. It's a sad, sad game that is played and unfortunately there are no winners. 

Every Scar Has A Story

We all have scars, some more than others and each one tells a different story. Let yours be a constant remembrance of what you've overcome. 

I know it sounds horrible, but I don't want anyone to "pity" me or my situation. I don't like the thought of someone feeling sorry for me. I shrink on the inside when I hear the words "I'm sorry this happened to you".

I appreciate it very much, I really do. I know it's said with compassion, and it's a person's way of telling me they care about me. However, when I hear those words it makes me feel as if I am a victim, as if they feel sorry for me. Maybe it's the attention I don't like, the fact that I don't want to burden others when I have "bad" days or the history of my drama filled life.

What I hear is "You poor, poor woman, your life must be so miserable." I'm sure that's not what they mean at all (at least not the majority who say it) but I often feel the need to defend myself and my marriage. 

The truth is...my life is not bad at all. Yes, our marriage has suffered a great deal in the past and it has taken years to rebuild but we are making it. We still continue to do so and each day that passes is another day proven that we made the right decision to work on and save our marriage. 

I have overcome so many obsticles in these past few years. Yes, YEARS! Surviving infedility isn't an overnight healing process. I take each day, obsticle and moment as a blessing. I am proud of how far I have come and each time I am knocked down I get back up. It may take a while but I do it! I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel that if I do others will also. My scars are my story, my reminder that I am alive and I can overcome anything that comes my way. Those scars are what have made me who I am today. I have survived everything life has dealt me from a very young age and I don't intend to give up now.