Should I Stay or Should I Go

I know that I am probably in a small group of people that decide to reconcile after an affair. My husband and I always had an agreement, even before marriage, that if one of us cheated we would divorce. So you could imagine how those words haunted me after I discovered I wasn't married to the perfect man I thought he was. It wasn't as simple as I thought it would be, we now had children involved and a history that we built as one. Unless you've lived it you have no idea how you will handle any situation. Whether it's an illness, loss or marriage dilemmas you can't say "I would do this..." It doesn't work that way, at least not for the weak and I consider myself at that time a person who was weak. I wasn't strong enough to say "you cheated; now you have to leave and never return." 

Am I happy I made the decision to reconcile?? Hmm...yes and no. Through all of the depression, anxiety, fears and wondering I would have said "no." That was a time in my life that was dark and it turned me into someone I no longer recognized. I didn't know the person I saw in the mirror. What I saw was a sad and pathetic woman that was too afraid to lose everything. This unrecognizable woman didn't have one ounce of trust in her husband and couldn't even tell you why she stayed with him. The only answer I could give was that I loved him and even then I wasn't completely sure. I was hopeful things would turn around for us and although I lost my faith I still believed that if we were meant to be together God would bring us back to the place I felt safe. 

Today I would say my answer to the decision to reconcile is "yes." After reality set in and I realized that I chose to take a risk and stay with my husband I was able to begin working towards accepting what had happened. I was determined to work as hard as possible to make our marriage work and be happy again. I often feel as though we were put to a test to see how much we mean to one another. Who knew it would take years of hard work just to find happiness again. We both learned what does and doesn't work in our relationship and ways to help each other along the way. I have no regrets and although there were times I wanted to throw in the towel I didn't. 

I feel that those who choose to reconcile must know that it isn't an easy process. There will be days you feel like giving up or that things just aren't getting better. I want you to step back and truly see how far you've come. You may be surprised at how much stronger, happier and positive you are than you were just yesterday. We get so hung up on why we are hurting that we can't see the accomplishments we've made to get to where we are now. 

I can't tell people what they should do in any situation, but I can say that if you want something bad enough you will do whatever it takes to keep it. If you do choose to work it out I have to advise that you know the full truth of the situation. Work on forgiving your spouse or otherwise the unknown will keep you from moving forward. I fought like hell to keep my marriage intact and I will continue to do so...this time I have my husband to fight with me. A marriage is something that is precious, it's a union that no one should separate and unfortunately there are people (including spouses) that succeed at tearing it apart. It's our job to protect it and fight for it. If the relationship and love are strong enough reconciliation can be successful and make you an incredibly strong couple. Best of luck to those who choose the path that keeps you together!! 

"Get Over It"

"GET OVER IT"...God I hate those words! Might as well say "you've had plenty of time to heal, why are you still hung up on your spouse cheating on you?" Sadly, those words usually come from the spouse that betrayed you. If you get over it they no longer have to live with the repercussions of their actions. 

I could sit here and lie to you by telling you that getting over infidelity will be a smooth and quick process but in all honesty it's anything but that. Believe it or not it is a grieving process; it's not as difficult as losing a loved one but you do grieve the death of your marriage. Everything that you thought you had is now gone and you're left wondering what the next move should be. Wondering what happened and how you can move on. I wish I could put a time frame as to when the pain goes away but unfortunately I can't. It depends on you and how long it takes you to feel normal again. Listed below are different stages I went through as I tried to cope with my husband's infidelity. 

1. Shock

You find out your spouse has betrayed you and your first thought may be to cry, run, scream or shoot it may be to punch them square in the face. No matter what your reaction is you will without a doubt be in utter and complete shock. 

2. Denial

Once the initial shock subsides you play this game of "I can't believe it, maybe I'm wrong." You might even refuse to believe that the affair happened. This is normal but it isn't a stage you want to remain in for too long because it will delay you beginning the healing process. Trust me!! 

3. Obsession

You will not be able to stop thinking about the betrayal, focusing on anything else will be so hard and when you finally do set your attention on something else you will find your mind going right back to the hurt you've endured. Another obsession is that no matter how you found out you will become obsessed with finding out more details about the affair. You will stalk your spouse like never before; it is such an ugly feeling because it consumes so much of your time and energy. Not to mention the guilt you feel for even following their every move. 

4. Anger

You found out your spouse cheated and you're hurt but there will be a point when you are angry as hell. You have every right to be and you have every right to lash out at them for what they have done. This is something I didn't do too often and at times I wish I had. It's a release that I feel is necessary to let out because the longer it boils the worse it will be when you finally let it out. If you need to scream and holler at them...DO IT!! They hurt you, they destroyed your comfort zone and they should give you the chance to release your feelings. So long as it isn't physically. 

5. Haggling

Do you fix your marriage? Do you leave? You begin to think a little more clearly after things settle down and you're left wondering if you should stay or go. You try to bargain with your spouse to seek marriage counseling, and spend more time apart or together. You start finding ways to compromise to make them happy so you can stay together. Be realistic with your "demands and compromises" and I say this from experience...keep your dignity while doing so. When we have been betrayed we tend to seek what our spouse was receiving from their affair partner, whether it be emotional, physical or something completely different. You should feel comfortable and remain positive about the outcome you are working for. 

6. Depression

This has got to be by far the hardest stage of getting past your spouse's infidelity. It's a dark and lonely place. The person you once were is almost nonexistent. Sleeping is now your best friend during the day and your worst enemy during the night hours. Eating is just something you no longer have a taste for and your mood is anything but pleasant. Shutting yourself off from the world is your way of dealing with the pain, at least then you don't have to answer questions, explain your situation to others or face life as a whole. I know it's hard not to let the depression get the best of you but shutting yourself out of everything and from everyone isn't going to help you. You need to talk to someone, even if it's just a friend or family member. Let your feelings out and begin the healing process. 

7. Acceptance

The time will come when you finally accept your situation, the changes in your life and that you are probably now a different person. Just because you accept it doesn't mean you no longer have to deal with everything that comes with infidelity. It just means that you have survived something unthinkable and you can now turn your focus on moving forward. If you stay with your spouse you can now begin to positively accept them and put in the work necessary to move forward together. If you decide to leave you can now accept the fact that you have moved on from all the pain and can begin the next chapter in your life. 

The Ugly Four Letter Word

You lying, cheating, no good son of a goat!! I've thought that many times about my husband. Especially on those days that I just can't seem to forget about the excruciating pain in my heart. Why did he do it? What went through his mind while he was flirting, talking, hugging, kissing and doing much worse to someone other than me, his wife?!! Did he think he wouldn't get caught? Did he want to get caught because he was a coward that couldn't come out and say he was finished in our marriage? 

Yeah, that's exactly what went through his mind. He wanted me to push him away but I wasn't strong enough to do that. So for a very long time he played this game of coming and going, I was his yo-yo and like an idiot in love I let him bounce me back and forth. Not once did I think to myself that he actually wanted me to be the one to call it quits because he was a weak S.O.B. They say love is blind but in reality it can be very stupid. Or at least make you very stupid, and boy was I proving that to be right. 

I just can't understand how we can hurt the ones we love. Yes...we! I guess we just figure that if they love us they will be willing to put up with whatever we throw at them. Sadly, we treat most strangers better than we do our loved ones. They see the sweet, calm, and understanding side of us and we save all the nastiness we have for the ones we know will always be there for us. It's sad and it's unfair. 

I was getting the moody, secretive, dishonest, selfish side of my husband and someone else was getting the sweet, happy liar. That just wasn't fair!! What did I do to get the ugly side of him? Oh yeah, I was just the "wife"...the one who loved him and treated him well. He was having his cake and eating it too, and I was there like a moron greeting him with open arms thinking "he's home and he isn't going to leave me again." I would hear "I'm sorry, I love you, I do want to be with you, trust me!" Like a fool I would give in and brush it all under the rug. 

There are times, like writing this post that I think back and wonder how and why I put up with all that I did. Why didn't I just walk away...oh yeah, it's because of that ugly four letter word...L.O.V.E. Now I look back and see that I wasn't the fool or the moron...he was. I finally learned that love sometimes just isn't enough. It doesn't prevent bad things from happening, it kind of adds to them. It makes us do stupid things, it makes us vulnerable and we can become lost wishing for what we want that we ignore what is going on right under our nose. The good and the bad. 

I'm sometimes amazed that I still believe in love but when I sit and think about it all, the unforgettable memories outweigh the pain and sorrow of the past. I will continue to love with my whole heart because that is just who I am.