"Get Over It"

"GET OVER IT"...God I hate those words! Might as well say "you've had plenty of time to heal, why are you still hung up on your spouse cheating on you?" Sadly, those words usually come from the spouse that betrayed you. If you get over it they no longer have to live with the repercussions of their actions. 

I could sit here and lie to you by telling you that getting over infidelity will be a smooth and quick process but in all honesty it's anything but that. Believe it or not it is a grieving process; it's not as difficult as losing a loved one but you do grieve the death of your marriage. Everything that you thought you had is now gone and you're left wondering what the next move should be. Wondering what happened and how you can move on. I wish I could put a time frame as to when the pain goes away but unfortunately I can't. It depends on you and how long it takes you to feel normal again. Listed below are different stages I went through as I tried to cope with my husband's infidelity. 

1. Shock

You find out your spouse has betrayed you and your first thought may be to cry, run, scream or shoot it may be to punch them square in the face. No matter what your reaction is you will without a doubt be in utter and complete shock. 

2. Denial

Once the initial shock subsides you play this game of "I can't believe it, maybe I'm wrong." You might even refuse to believe that the affair happened. This is normal but it isn't a stage you want to remain in for too long because it will delay you beginning the healing process. Trust me!! 

3. Obsession

You will not be able to stop thinking about the betrayal, focusing on anything else will be so hard and when you finally do set your attention on something else you will find your mind going right back to the hurt you've endured. Another obsession is that no matter how you found out you will become obsessed with finding out more details about the affair. You will stalk your spouse like never before; it is such an ugly feeling because it consumes so much of your time and energy. Not to mention the guilt you feel for even following their every move. 

4. Anger

You found out your spouse cheated and you're hurt but there will be a point when you are angry as hell. You have every right to be and you have every right to lash out at them for what they have done. This is something I didn't do too often and at times I wish I had. It's a release that I feel is necessary to let out because the longer it boils the worse it will be when you finally let it out. If you need to scream and holler at them...DO IT!! They hurt you, they destroyed your comfort zone and they should give you the chance to release your feelings. So long as it isn't physically. 

5. Haggling

Do you fix your marriage? Do you leave? You begin to think a little more clearly after things settle down and you're left wondering if you should stay or go. You try to bargain with your spouse to seek marriage counseling, and spend more time apart or together. You start finding ways to compromise to make them happy so you can stay together. Be realistic with your "demands and compromises" and I say this from experience...keep your dignity while doing so. When we have been betrayed we tend to seek what our spouse was receiving from their affair partner, whether it be emotional, physical or something completely different. You should feel comfortable and remain positive about the outcome you are working for. 

6. Depression

This has got to be by far the hardest stage of getting past your spouse's infidelity. It's a dark and lonely place. The person you once were is almost nonexistent. Sleeping is now your best friend during the day and your worst enemy during the night hours. Eating is just something you no longer have a taste for and your mood is anything but pleasant. Shutting yourself off from the world is your way of dealing with the pain, at least then you don't have to answer questions, explain your situation to others or face life as a whole. I know it's hard not to let the depression get the best of you but shutting yourself out of everything and from everyone isn't going to help you. You need to talk to someone, even if it's just a friend or family member. Let your feelings out and begin the healing process. 

7. Acceptance

The time will come when you finally accept your situation, the changes in your life and that you are probably now a different person. Just because you accept it doesn't mean you no longer have to deal with everything that comes with infidelity. It just means that you have survived something unthinkable and you can now turn your focus on moving forward. If you stay with your spouse you can now begin to positively accept them and put in the work necessary to move forward together. If you decide to leave you can now accept the fact that you have moved on from all the pain and can begin the next chapter in your life.