I'm Not the Same Person

During our lives we experience different events that change us, some good and some bad. I've come to terms with the fact that I am no longer the same person I once was. I have lost so much of what made me, ME. While I have learned a lot about myself and gained some qualities that have made me a better person it's the ones that I've lost that make my everyday life a struggle at times. 

I will never be the same mother, wife or friend I was before I experienced "life", and while it makes me sad it also gives me a feeling of comfort I've never felt before. 

My children have always been my top priority but I now find myself protecting them from myself and my husband. I keep my worries, fears and tears from being seen by them. They have seen the both of us become people they didn't recognize and in this world we live in they already see so much pain and destruction. If I can keep it from happening in their home I will do my best to do just that. My mommy protection mode is in full force, more so than before! 

I'll never be the same wife I was the day we were married. I was young, naive and head over heels in love with my husband. I experienced pain from him stepping out of our marriage and it made me become this obsessed, broken and sad woman. I find myself spending too much time worrying about what the future holds for us all instead of living in the moment. Before I never use to question his motives, whereabouts or love and I now do. The plus side of all this...I lost sight through all the pain of who my husband really is and I am now seeing once again how wonderful he is as a person.

As far as my friendships go...this is the probably the hardest to swallow. I find myself being very guarded and not wanting to get close to anyone. I keep a very high wall up and there are only a select few I allow to enter. When I meet someone you better believe that I'm searching their eyes, words and actions for anything that doesn't feel right. I know not everyone is a threat to me or my marriage but I've learned that anyone you meet has the potential to strike if given the chance. 

While I'm not the same person I once was I have learned just how fragile life is. I've overcome some major obstacles and although some changes are not so great others have made me a better person. The person I am today.

The 3 D's of a Betrayed Spouse

As a betrayed spouse it's hard not to stop doing the 3 D's...Digging, Dwelling and Doubting. 

Digging is a dangerous game to play. You dig, and dig for clues and holes in your wayward spouse's actions. Even if you find nothing out of the ordinary you still seem to twist things. It's a horrible mind game and it's one I'll admit I struggle with. I can go days, weeks, and months without trying to find hidden secrets and then all of a sudden I find myself going waaay back trying to find anything that would prove my husband is guilty. When I find nothing I end up being the one to feel guilty and yet happy at the same time. Guilty, because I didn't trust him and happy that I didn't find anything. 

Dwelling over what has happened keeps a betrayed spouse from truly moving forward. If we dwell on the bad, we miss out on all the good that is happening. It's as if our life is paused on a sad part of a movie, we keep from making it to the end where the happy ending lies. This is something I have learned not to do, or at least not as much. I don't mean to, but I notice that when I do spend time dwelling on the past it affects the relationship between my husband and myself. It causes me to be sad or mad with him and he senses that and in return he gets upset with me because I'm usually afraid to tell him why I'm in a foul mood. Living in the past is a sure guarantee that you are keeping yourself from embracing what the future has in store for you. 

Doubting...Oh boy, this is a struggle for me that seems to never end. I am an optimistic person, I look for the good in any situation; yet I have so much doubt about my marriage, my husband and myself. There are days I say "He'll never be faithful again" or "It's only a matter of time before he tells me he's leaving." I'm learning that the more I focus on the doubt the more I push my husband away and the more I lose sight of who I am.

Surviving infidelity is a struggle, surviving it while remaining married is even harder. There are long periods of times that it doesn't affect our relationship and then there are times that it stalls or erases the hard work we have put into our marriage. I wish there was an easier way but I've yet to find one. So in the mean time I will continue to grow, heal and hope for a future of pure happiness!! 

The Scarlet Letter

Imagine if we all had to wear labels so people know what kind of person we are or what we are capable of. Just like Hester Prynne's famous "A" in the book The Scarlet Letter. I could have so much fun sticking those suckers on people. Some I would gently pin to their clothing and others I would staple to their foreheads for the entire world to see. 

I lay in bed the other night just thinking about all the hurtful people I have encountered over the years. I have to admit that some people surprised me while others were no different than I first suspected. Yet I still gave them the benefit of the doubt. I think there are times we want to believe someone is a good person. They possess qualities we like so we dismiss the things that seem "off" about them.

As I lay there I started imaging what labels I would put on people and while it was fun to place faces with names I was also sad that I would even consider doing that to people I once called "friends." Not everyone I have been pained by was a stranger, as a matter of fact...very few were. I started thinking about how life would have been so much better for me if I had known from the first "hello" that I should have steered clear from them. I wouldn't have had to deal with the drama, dishonesty and ulterior motives from certain people. I wouldn't have been hurt and more importantly...my children wouldn't have had to be hurt by those that came into our lives only to ruin it in some way or another. 

I was once the type of person that gave everyone a chance, I didn't like confrontation and I never wanted to hurt anyone. Thank God I am no longer that person. Being that kind of person is wonderful but it also leaves you vulnerable and naive. I've met several people that seemed to be the most caring, kindhearted person only to be the one that lived a life of lying, cheating and such selfishness that they didn't care who they hurt. Sadly, the man I married can be placed in that category. 

A person's character defines who they are ALL of the time, not just when it suits them. I would admire a person much more if they were to be upfront and honest from the get go. And no, I don't mean with every handshake they should say "hi, my name is so and so and I have a history of being a (fill in the blank)." Although...wouldn't that be awesome?!? ;) 

Sadly though, that isn't how life works. We must get to know a person and trust that they have the best intentions and that they aren't going to ruin the relationship we have with them. Whether it is our spouse, acquaintances or best friends. If we lived in fear that every person we meet is going to hurt us we would spend our lives alone and that's no fun! So instead all we can do is keep a watchful eye for those that surround us. I've definitely learned that some people have their Scarlet letter hidden very well, but I've also learned that sometimes it's in plain sight and yet we tend to still overlook it. 

At the end of my little moment of wishful thinking I realized that as wonderful as it would be to know in advance what people are capable it would also take away opportunities for us to grow. It's by our experiences that we are who we are; if life and everyone was perfect it would be boring. We would never know the true meaning of friendships, love, and life.