Leap of Faith

I have a confession...

I am scared out of my mind. I'm terrified actually, and I've been hiding this fear from my husband for too long.  

What am I so terrified of? Finally being at peace in my marriage!  

Things are going so well and it scares me!! This is new territory for me and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. I keep waiting for the ball to drop and crush me. Why would it not? After all the pain that I have had to endure, it becomes difficult to believe that anything good could be handed to me. Don't get me wrong, I love being happy and I am really loving this new "peace in my heart" thing. I just can't stop thinking about when it's going to be ripped away from me. Isn't that heartbreaking?!?

My husband has been wonderful. I see more and more of the man I fell in love with so long ago and he's doing great at making me feel loved, appreciated and wanted. I couldn't ask for more from him and I'm so thankful for the place we are at this very moment in our lives. We worked way too hard to get here and I fear that my happiness will be yanked away. I'm mentally and emotionally at peace and it feels great!! It's just scary. *sigh*

I'm naturally an optimistic person and while I'm not complaining about how things are, I'm just weary. I've built this wall, a really tall wall and as I peek over it I notice that everything on the other side of that wall looks peaceful, comforting and safe. I'm afraid to go on that side because if I do I will enjoy it too much and before a matter of time I fear I will have to go back to the other side. The side that is dark, cold and lonely. The side that is filled with pain and sorrow lurking in the shadows as it whispers my name, calling me closer and closer to it. 

It's time I take a leap of faith and trust that I deserve all the good that life is offering me. It may be scary at first but I know I won't be there alone. I will hold my husband's hand and stop being afraid. 

Wish me luck...

Don't Give In

Temptation exists all around us. Start a new diet and you're bound to run into someone's birthday cake. Come into some extra money and an add pops up for something you just can't live without. Do something different with your appearance and suddenly gain compliments and advances from those who usually stroll right past you. Fighting the urge to say "no" becomes so difficult, especially because you know if you give in you are going to feel guilty...even if it makes you happy at the moment.

My husband is one that clearly has had problems resisting temptation. They say that the best way to avoid temptation is to steer clear of people, places and things that tempt you. Sometimes that's easier said than done. Finding the strength to look past it is a must, otherwise you may eventually give in. It starts out as a small thought and then it's as though you become obsessed with the thought of it. Nip it in the bud, distance yourself and do whatever you have to while it's still a thought. Once you give in, even just a little, you lose control and it's no longer something you can fight. 

Remember the long term consequences if you give in...I'm sure my husband thought "this won't happen again, I can end it as quickly as I started." Well, that wasn't the case, one little "hello" turned into a full blown affair that resulted in our marriage being destroyed. If he had thought of the effect it would have on our lives maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to resist temptation knocking at his door. I could play the "what if" game all day but it won't change anything, so I won't go there. Think of your spouse, your children, everyone involved, and yourself...DON'T GIVE IN!! 

At some point in our lives we are bound to be tempted to do, see, or say something. It's natural to be tempted and it's human nature to be weak but it is our responsibility to resist that temptation.

How We Became US...

I spend a lot of time sharing the ugly side of my marriage; I thought I would share some history of our lives. The better side of things. =)

Aaron and I met seventeen years ago, I worked for his mother and I had the typical school girl crush. So you could imagine how giddy I was when he asked me out on our first date. I was so nervous and as we approached the car he opened the door for me, I remember thinking "I could get use to this." What a great start to the evening, and it made me fall for him even harder. He was so respectful and just a great person to get to know.

Our relationship moved very quickly, we spent every possible day together. During the workday he would come by and visit, bring me roses and just stay close by my side. We had a great relationship, always happy and we grew closer as each day passed. There wasn't much that we didn't agree on. We spoke about the future and how we each wanted to raise our children. Our future goals and how what we expected from our spouses if we ever married. We dated for a year and then he asked me to marry him. Our wedding was absolutely perfect! Not because it was big and fancy, but because I could feel the love this man had for me. 

After marriage we became closer and closer, we were inseparable and untouchable. The love we shared was strong and over time we welcomed three precious little lives into our world. Life was picture perfect. We created some wonderful memories and there isn't a time I look back and think "I wish that never happened." We were truly happy and in love. I never once doubted his love for me and I tried to be the best wife to him. I know that over the years I have made some mistakes. I've neglected him at certain times but I have always done my best to make him happy. 

Marrying young was a challenge; we were both growing as individuals and as a couple. Throwing children in the mix was just another added challenge. After our daughter was born our lives seemed to flip upside down. She was a blessing, and even before her birth we knew she would face certain health issues but nothing she couldn't overcome. Shortly after she was born he started working nights and once again our lives were jumbled. Before the added stress of a sick child and insane work schedule we always seemed to remain close and make things work. We weren't use to dealing with major struggles and sadly, we failed at it. 

In the past we were a team and we took pride in our relationship. I think that's why I have such a hard time wrapping my head around why we are even here. I've often wondered how we could go from being the "perfect" couple to being broken and at times complete strangers. Do we love each other? Absolutely! Can we get through it all? No doubt! Somewhere along the way we lost each other and there are times I wish we could go back and rewrite our history. Erase the weaknesses and build that wall just a little bit higher to keep others from knocking it down. I wish we could have learned to communicate better and know that during those trying times we needed to remain solid for our family. 

Sadly, we can't go back and change things. All we can do is reach into our hearts and pull that strong, loving couple back to the surface. We are doing great these days, he and I are happy and keep reminding each other why we fell in love so long ago. After all that we have been through I have no doubt that we can overcome any obstacle we may face in the future. We have grown and learned from our mistakes, we are back to protecting our marriage as we did when we first exchanged our vows. Certain aspects of our relationship will never be the same but our love is one that remains everlasting. 

Secrets At Your Fingertips

Anyone else addicted to their phone, computer, or tablet? 

I'll be the first to admit that I love technology. Google is my go to and my smartphone is my lifeline. I would say I average a couple thousand texts in a months time, social media sites get checked at least once an hour and my phone never leaves my side. It's the best and worst thing to ever be invented. Now a days people spend more time on their phones communicating in some way, shape or form. For some it's a guilty pleasure.

I use my phone for everything, from banking to blogging. What I don't use my phone for is anything that would jeopardize my marriage. I don't have hidden apps, files, pictures or contacts. I don't delete texts because I'm afraid someone will read them. I also don't keep it on silent nor do I panic or get angry when someone reaches for my phone. My husband and children know my pass code and they can use my phone anytime they please.

If my husband was to go through my phone or take it for a day I wouldn't be risking my marriage. My web history isn't too juicy and doesn't get deleted hourly, daily, weekly or even monthly. If a person doesn't want you touching their phone it's usually because there's something they're hiding. I understand the whole privacy thing but if they are leaping across the room when you reach in the same vicinity as their phone that is probably a red flag. 

My husband has done the whole hidden pictures, fake contacts, guarding the phone with his life thing. I'd like to think that at this very moment he has nothing to hide, and that if he and I were to switch phones for a day we would still be married at the end of that 24 hour period. Maybe I should suggest that! ;)

He has learned that texting other women can lead to trouble. It starts off innocent but can get out of hand very quickly. No matter if it's a mutual friend of ours or just a coworker of his. First it's a little compliment exchanged back and forth and then it escalates to asking questions to get to know the other person better. From there it leads to nothing but trouble. In the past when I have found that he was texting the same number over and over he would have excuses as to why he was getting texts at all hours of the day. Then the texting would completely stop, well that just meant it was time for me to dig deep. Sure enough I would find that he had downloaded apps to be able to hide communication with his so called "friend". 

There should be no hidden friendships, apps, or anything else that would jeopardize your marriage. We have been there and done that when it comes to friends or coworkers becoming to close or needy. It's a dangerous situation and nothing good has ever come from it. Those type of people remind me of a stray dog sniffing around trashcans looking for their next meal. You may feel sorry for them and want to shelter them, but once you do they end up being more trouble than expected. Thanks to his shady past I can usually sniff those nasty strays a mile away. =)

I know some people have close friends that are the opposite sex, and for them it works. As for us...no freaking way!! I don't trust any female these days and if I'm being honest...I don't entirely trust him completely when it comes to other females either. I understand that our situation is different than most but it's something we both agree on these days. It makes life so much easier when he openly shares who he has been in communication with, and it's a way for him to continue to earn back my trust. 

There is a line and when someone crosses that line it's time to cut ties with that person. In the past he has always had a problem being mean and not wanting to hurt someones feelings...now he knows it's necessary to distant himself from them. He's come a long way, and has learned that some people are just not worth it. For me he puts the cell phone down, shares details of certain situations to ease my mind and more importantly he knows that in order to make things work he must be willing to remain strong and choose his friendships very carefully. 

35 Random Facts About Me

1. I hate clowns, they are the most frightening things ever!
2. I'm a huge Lucille Ball fan.
3. I work better under pressure.
4. I married a month shy of turning 20. This September we celebrate 15 years, yet I'm only 29! ;)
5. When I was little I would cry if someone just stared at me. 
6. I'm horrible at math. Like really, really horrible!
7. My favorite color is purple.
8. I'm not a materialistic person, the best things in life cannot be bought. 
9. Italian food is so yummy! 
10. I am an optimistic person and well...I married a pessimist. 
11. My biggest pet peeve is smacking.
12. Rodents terrify me. Hamsters are not cute!! 
13. I forgive way too easily, it's a curse more than anything.
14. I've only broken one bone in my life and it had to be my tailbone. 
15. When I'm quiet you know something is wrong, otherwise I don't shut up. 
16. I don't like spending money on myself, I always make sure my family gets their wants before I do.
17. Tickling is the worst. Especially on my feet.
18. I have this bad habit of having to have the last word, even if it's just a sigh. 
19. If I could visit another country I would go to Australia.
20. The night I discovered I was pregnant with our first was the same night I accepted Christ.
21. I do my best to be completely honest with everyone, and I give respect where respect is due. 
22. I get anxiety on highways. 
23. My nickname as a child was Miss Piggy. I never understood it because I was a beanpole. 
24. I am unorganized but yet I am a list person. I make lists for everything and usually end up losing them and have to start over.
25. Ever since I moved away from home I have always spoken to my mother on the phone several times a day.
26. I'm a Scorpio.
27. I try not to hate but there are a handful of people I can honestly say I hate. I just can't help it. 
28. If I could have one super power it would be the ability to read people's minds. Scary thought!! 
29. I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of character. If someone rubs me the wrong way I know to keep my guard up. I'm not wrong too often. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it isn't a dog!
30. I'm quick to apologize when I have hurt or wronged someone. 
31. I'm a brunette with lots of blonde moments.
32. One of my best memories as a child was baking with my Daddy. 
33. My favorite quote is "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.".
34. I take all relationships seriously. 
35. My husband and my children are the most valuable treasures in my life.

A Peaceful Heart

Happy Sunday!

I woke this morning with pain in my neck and shoulders, a headache that has yet to subside and a feisty eight year old upset about what to wear. BUT....My heart was at peace!

Those listed above are a nuisance but they can easily be remedied. My heart on the other hand isn't as easy to quiet down. The times it is at peace I can see all the wonderful blessings in my life and in my marriage. I smiled and thanked God, for a great start to a new day and for my husband. 

I've had a rough couple of nights and my husband has been there to comfort me. His reassuring words, and heartfelt gestures to calm me have kept me from falling off the ledge. He knows how tough things can be for me and he understands completely when I have those moments that interrupt our lives. He says "I created the monster in you", and he's right. This is all his doing but only I can control my feelings. I am the one that can decide to wake up happy or sad and today I didn't have to choose...my heart chose for me. It's as though there was this voice whispering "everything in your life is going great, enjoy it." 

My plan for the day is to create new memories with my family, snapshot every moment and at the end of the day when I lay my head down I will ask God for another day of peace. For many this may seem like an eye rolling moment, but for me and others like me it is a glimpse of hope. It's the kind of moment we wish for every time we open our eyes.  

Have a great day!