Step #1....Ignore the title because there are no steps!
There is nothing you can do to make your marriage perfect. You can make it bearable, but not perfect. You may even find happiness the majority of the time if you're lucky.
The truth is...your spouse is going to make you mad. They're going to make you yell, cry, and question why the heck you even married them in the first place. There will be occasions you will talk until you're blue in the face and it will do absolutely no good!! They call that "nagging". You'll learn to compromise on certain things and you'll also find that there are times you won't see eye to eye. And oh my gosh will they annoy you! Guess what.....THAT'S OK!!
Those "ugly" moments in your marriage are what give it life. Sure, it would be nice if everything we said and suggested was agreed upon. I personally would love if my husband never raised his voice at me or didn't come back at me with the same harsh tone I used on him. It would be great if every time I asked him for something he responded by jumping up immediately and did what I wanted. Unfortunately, it takes several requests and a few of my wifely death stares as I walk away mumbling to myself to get him to even notice I'm not happy. He then huffs and puffs and says something I can never quite make out, but I'm sure it's not "yes, Dear...anything you say, Dear." There are times I want to smack him and say "listen buddy...I'm right, you're wrong." When I do muster up the guts to let him have it I find myself in a lose, lose situation. He gets mad, I get mad and we end up wasting time. The really sad part is that I usually forget why I was even mad in the first place.
That's what a marriage is...it's give and take. It isn't meant to be easy and it sure as hell isn't for the timid. You learn that there are times you must pick your battles, because if you don't you will always end up as the unhappy one. While you're sitting there fuming on the inside your spouse probably has no clue what they did or why you're even mad.They're only thinking "great, what's wrong now? Hopefully it doesn't last long!" If they're like my husband, they'll refrain from asking, because let's be honest...who WANTS to open up a can of worms?!? ME!!! That's who. I ask. I would rather deal with the havoc from figuring out what's wrong as opposed to ignoring the issue at hand. Sure, it may lead to something ugly but I figure I either go big or go home. It's called communication. And I'm learning that it's a necessary survival skill in my marriage.
Maybe there is such a thing as a perfect marriage...I've yet to discover it. It's probably my husband's fault. ;) We choose to live a life of loud words, deep stares (and not the ones that melt your heart...I mean the ones that can melt your soul), and it works for us. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. We balance each other out and while there are times I wish he and I could be like those celebrity couples that live the perfect life I am grateful that we aren't. Our relationship is real, we laugh, yell, ignore, and love with every ounce within our heart. Through our madness we have learned to communicate in a healthy way and it's made us focus more on how we should come together to fix an issue instead of brushing it under the rug so we don't upset each one another.
It's a learning process, for us it's been a 15 year lesson....some would say that we are slow learners, but I choose to believe that we are perfecting our skills. I try to remember 3 simple words when I'm at my wits end with my darling husband...STOP, LISTEN, RESPOND. I had those reversed for a loooong time and the aftermath was never what I expected or wanted. I'm still learning to catch myself when I get the order wrong, but it isn't as often anymore. I'm glad I still mess up every now and then, it keeps the marriage alive and less storybook.
If I leave you with anything today, let it be this....you're going to raise your voice, get unhappy with each other and you may even have nasty thoughts about your spouse. Don't let those ugly moments keep you from enjoying time with your spouse. Choose to stop, listen and respond. Before you know it the storm will have passed and no time wasted.
If you regularly follow my blog you've probably noticed that lately I haven't been doing much writing. It isn't by choice...I've been dealing with some personal health issues and one of the downfalls is the sudden loss of my train of thought. I'm doing well and while I have been trying to complete posts I've started, it is difficult to remain focused and actually finish what I am working on at the time. However, I was able to complete a post for today...I hope it helps anyone in need at the moment. =)
There are certain things that happen to us that cause us fear. It's natural to be afraid of something or to be afraid that something is going to happen. If we are so afraid of something we can sometimes become obsessed with the thought that it's really going to happen.
For instance...if a person has been cheated on they fear their partner will do it again. That fear then turns into an obsession of trying to keep an eye on them, having to know where they are at all times, who they are spending their lunch break with or shoot...even wondering why they are spending so much time in the bathroom. It's an unhealthy obsession and one that consumes you more often than not.
How do you stop?
I found that for me personally I had to hear my husband say "if you keep digging you're going to find something you won't like." My first thought was "you son of a goat, you're cheating again", but I quickly realized he meant I would continue to pour salt on old wounds. And I did. I became obsessed with "stalking" him that I started going back and I found places he had visited, old pictures and ugly details from the past. He was right, I had so many feelings resurface and he wasn't even doing anything wrong. I made myself miserable, which in turn made him miserable, and ultimately we were both back to where we had begun. I tried to keep quiet and not rehash old wounds, but my mouth would take over and I'd bring up his past all over again. I wasted so much of the present because I resurfaced the past.
In order to let go of pain, heartache and the past, we must learn to end our obsession of trying to "catch" them doing something wrong. When fear takes over, and it will, it's always best to remember that we can't be afraid of what has already happened. Fear isn't going to change what choices they make, but it will get in the way of your healing process and in the recovery of rebuilding your marriage.
They say that time heals all wounds...I have to disagree just a bit with that saying. While time does heal certain wounds, it doesn't completely make them disappear.
I read the other day that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair...forgive me while I roll my eyes and chuckle at this! Maybe for some that is the case, but I'd like to know if they ever still have thoughts of the affair? Do they no longer have sad days, reminders of being hurt or little triggers that remind them of their spouse's unfaithfulness? Do you ever really "get over" it? I know the one who did the betraying does...I imagine for them they make it happen almost immediately so they no longer feel guilt for the damage they've caused.
However, for the one that was hurt...it's a little more complicated. While we can learn to move on and deal with our day to day routines, we don't always have the ability to turn off certain parts of a movie that's embedded into our minds. As time goes on we do learn little tricks to fast forward those scenes and if we are able to, we can learn to ignore them as soon as they creep upon us. We didn't ask for them to be played over and over. All we want is to forget and never look back, we want our time lost back.
It's hard to explain this to the one that has done the unthinkable. You can't put a timeframe on mending a broken heart or expecting forgiveness immediately. Everything takes time and if you're one of the lucky ones that can move past certain situations quickly, I admire you. I'm not one that can do that. I can't just flip a switch and say, "oh well...time to let it go and move on with life."
One of the major obstacles with my husband and myself is that he is one of those people that can speed up the process of letting things go, while I am the complete opposite. I need time, lots and lots of time! I have tried to make myself forgive and forget, but my brain doesn't work that way. It takes me a while to process everything and after I've had time to let it all sink in I find myself dwelling on what has happened. It isn't a choice; it's just how my mind operates.
Over time, I have been able to spend less time sulking, questioning and wallowing in self-pity. What works for me is playing mind games. If I begin to think about his affair I quickly start reminding myself that I am better than the other woman. I am, in fact, better than my husband. I didn't deserve to be hurt and while I have made the choice to continue in my marriage I know I will be a happier, stronger person for fighting for what I want and the one I love. If I allow myself to spend time in that dark place I lose something very valuable...time. The time I should be spending enjoying special moments with my husband and my children. Life continues to move passed, and I would rather live in the now as opposed to the then.
Time is something we can never get back, why should we spend our time letting someone control our life and our happiness? Especially when one can almost guarantee they are not giving one ounce of their time feeling or showing remorse for destroying the lives of others. Time is precious and we should spend it wisely!!
