One of the hardest things about healing and moving forward from infidelity are the constant reminders of your spouse's affair. When you first discover the truth about your spouse's "secret life" you learn the ins and outs of the relationship they had with their affair partner. Whether it be songs they shared, restaurants they visited, meeting places, or nicknames they gave each other, the reminders will stick out like a sore thumb. These little triggers can happen at any time, anyplace, during any occasion and unfortunately they can even pop up when you've finally found peace in your heart.
It's something that I feel waywards, those who have the affair, fail to understand. Is it because they hate the guilt that hits them when the betrayed spouse rehashes the past and the pain that went along with it? Or could it be that in their minds they're thinking "here we go again, just get over it already?" If only it were that easy...and if only they could take a deeper, more compassionate look into our minds. They should understand that it isn't something you can turn on or off anytime you wish. Triggers sneak in and before you can stop them they have already taken over your emotions.
I tend to get very frustrated with my husband when he dismisses my mood and gives me that "not again" look. While he is sympathetic when he realizes he does so it doesn't help all the things running through my head. I've learned that sometimes it is best to just patiently let it all flow through me and try and distract myself from showing him my emotions. If I constantly remind him and blame him I am stepping backwards instead of moving forward. Throwing his past in his face is a guaranteed way to ruin any progress we've made towards our future together.
IF you have betrayed your partner I need you to listen closely...be sympathetic and understanding when the person YOU hurt has one of these triggers! You put them in this position and you must remember that they didn't have a choice for your actions. They placed trust in you, and to be frank...you blew it! While you cannot change the past all you can do now is sincerely be there for them while they learn to cope with the fallout from your affair. If they could truly forget about all the pain and never think again about all the details they know they would, unfortunately they can't. Keep in mind that they will have good days and bad days, on their bad days is when they need you more than ever. Remind them that you love them and are truly sorry for what you have done to them. Help them understand that even though you aren't in their shoes you know they are hurting and you're willing to do anything possible to ease their pain. Be patient and never ever say these words to them...."It's been long enough, you need to stop thinking about it and let it go!"
I've always had some bitterness towards my husband about this very thing. He is one who can easily move on and in a sense forget what he did, it's common with waywards from what I hear. They do the damage and then expect us to forget about it as if it's as easy as flipping a switch to a light. The only times he is reminded is when I am having one of my moments and reality hits me dead on in the face and I can't make it go away. He does his best to be by my side and reassure me of everything good but he also knows that it's because of his doing and all he can do at this point is talk me down from the ledge so I don't fall into a pit of sorrow.
Whether you're the betrayed or the wayward spouse you must keep in mind that this will be a long, slow process. Especially for the betrayed. It's something that you didn't ask for yet you are the one who will suffer the consequences for a very long time. Little movies that play in your head and no matter how much you try to stop them you just can't turn them off. There isn't a magical pill you can take that will erase what you know but there are ways you can learn to fast forward and eventually stop them before they consume your ability to focus on anything else. For me, I remind myself that the other woman is no longer worth my time, thoughts or energy. She has already consumed so much of me; I refuse to give her anymore of myself because I am a better, stronger woman and worth so much more than she will ever be. And so are you!!
If you live under a rock you probably haven't heard yet, but anyone can now get married. It doesn't matter if it's a man and woman, woman and woman, or man and man...anyone in love can now be united in marriage. It's been a huge debate for years and something that people have fought for, whether it's for or against. Sadly it has also brought out the ugly in so many people. Christians argue that it goes against what God says and if you open the bible it clearly states that marriage should be between a man and woman.
As a Christian I believe in what God says, HOWEVER as an American in 2015 I feel that if two people love each other they should be able to be together without being bashed or hated. As a Christian I also believe that we should love our neighbor and not judge someone for living their life differently than we live ours. We are all sinners, we all have a right to feel how we want and we are not obligated to agree on anything. We should feel that we can stand up for our beliefs and be respected at the same time.
I am a married woman and my husband is my best friend. He is the one I share my deepest darkest secrets, someone I lay beside every night while a feeling of comfort and security embrace me as he holds me in his arms. He is the person I love and couldn't imagine spending my life without him. I couldn't imagine not having him as my husband and I sure as hell couldn't fathom the thought of someone telling me we could not be together.
As a mother and I want my children to find that one person that makes their life complete; which is why I have had to take a step back and choose whether I actually support same sex marriage or not. Because I am a Christian I feel I should be against it, but because I am open minded I can't not support it. I asked myself a very important question..."What if you are against it, and I mean really against it and one of your children comes to you and says they are gay?" Well that was a no brainer for me. I am going to love and support my child, I will not risk losing my relationship with them because of who they choose to love. I will not judge, ridicule or belittle them for choosing to love someone that makes them feel safe and secure.
I will do the same with others also. I am not personally affected by their decision and I was raised to respect EVERYONE!! I log on to Facebook and I see people I know standing up for what they believe and I admire their passion. What I don't admire is how they voice their opinions and beliefs. There is so much hate towards those who support and those that do not. Since when is it ok to disrespect one another?!
I don't care if you are a Christian or not...you should respect everyone, you don't have to agree but you know what...sometimes you have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to feel exactly like you. And I'm sorry, but if you believe in God I am going to be more disappointed in you for your behavior. You, of all people know that we should not judge, we are all sinners, and we are to love everyone just as God loves us. You can disagree with same sex marriages all you want, that is your choice, but please do so with respect for the feelings of others. You can stand proud in your beliefs AND show God's love to others without a hateful heart.
The same goes for non-believers. It isn't just Christians that are so passionate about standing up for what they believe, and equally they aren't the only ones that can be hurtful and hateful. It doesn't matter who you come across, what you feel is right or wrong...what does matter is that we ALL respect one another as humans. This world has enough hate in it, why add to it over something that doesn't affect you personally? If someone wants to get married, let them, support their right to love whomever they choose and go on about your business while they go on with theirs. If I am wrong in supporting this than I will be the one to stand before God and answer to my choices. I think this world needs more love and less hate, more respect and an end to the need to bring someone down because they aren't you.
Remember the saying your mother taught you...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!!
