It Can't Rain Forever

Have you ever looked back at your life and noticed that you did get through the horrible storm you faced? The exact one that gave you the mindset that life would never get better again. I've been that type of person, the one who says "I'll never be happy again; I will never get through this." I was wrong!! Yesterday I had a post all written out and ready to go and when I was reading the rough draft to my husband he made me realize that I left one important detail out. I AM HAPPY!! 

In that post I was too busy bashing and wishing karma would take its course on those that have hurt me and as I read it to him he stopped me and said "it sounds like you want to leave me and are still miserable."  The truth is that I'm not miserable. Yesterday I had too much time on my hands and that left my mind to think, which resulted in me having a miserable day. I sat and wrote while tears flowed, blood boiling with anger and pain causing my heart to break all over again. I was having a pity part and it was a good one!! After I was done I felt refreshed, I was no longer mad and it was as if my soul was cleansed. I had to let it all out, relive that horrible storm and when it was all done I embraced the rainbow above me. 

I felt that I need to explain something to my readers and especially to my husband. I've written about some dark stuff, it's all real and there are no exaggerations in any of my posts. What you read is what my heart has felt, what I have survived. I went into this whole blogging thing with the courage and promise to myself that I would be completely honest with my readers. Whether it's two readers or two-thousand, there would be nothing but pure honesty. I may write about some pretty heavy stuff and I may even sound bitter or miserable but I am happy at this very moment.

I write about my dealings with infidelity, I live day by day and the truth is that I share what I have been through so that I can leave it behind me. I would be lying if I said that I was "over it" all, I don't think I'll ever be completely healed or can ever forget it all. I am human, I have days that I sit and worry about my husband's intentions, days I cry over the pain I've felt and there are even times I get angry at him because of what he has done to me. Since starting this blog I have fewer and fewer days like that...thank God! I know that sounds crazy because one would think that reliving the pain from the past would cause me to not be able to move forward but it actually helps. It's a release of emotions and once I let it all out I can in a sense bury it.  

There are times I share my current feelings and thoughts but they don't mean I am unhappy in my marriage. I didn't realize until my husband pointed it out to me that I may be giving that impression. Or that people may be asking "why do you stay with him if you're so miserable?" I'm not, I am the happiest I have been in a long time. The storm has passed and we made it out...together!! I use my dark days as a chance to help others that may be in their storm right now to see that they will get through it. It may not end today but one day you will look back and see that you made it too. It gets better; you just have to be patient. I never thought I would be happy again but I am. I survived it and so will you!! 

A Letter to My Children

To my sweet babies,

I realize that as I write this letter you are all still young but I know that one day you will come across this. This is the hardest letter I have written but I want to explain some things that you may one day question. First, let me start out by saying that I love you three so much; anything I ever did was for you. While life may not have been great at times I never once wanted you to be hurt due to mine or your Daddy's actions. 

When he and I first met we were happy and so much in love. As each of you came into our lives we knew what it meant to love unconditionally and that our job as parents was to protect you from any harm. The last thing we wanted was to be the ones to be the cause of any pain, heartache or confusion. You have watched us grow apart and you have seen how we can still love each other after all that we have been through. 

It was never a secret that things between your Daddy and me were far from perfect. While we tried to shelter you from our problems there were some things that we just couldn't keep from you. From his first sit down with you boys explaining how he was leaving us to his unexplained days away to make himself better. You saw him move in and out of our home over and over. We never intended for any of this to happen and the last thing we want is for our actions to have any long term affects on your lives. I can't see into the future but I pray that you will each grow to be strong, loving individuals. I hope that you can learn from our mistakes so that you never have to experience all that we have been through.  

I want you to always remember that no matter what you have seen, heard or felt we never blamed you. You will learn that life can be harsh, unexpected things can happen and as much as you try to avoid certain things sometimes you just can't. There were times I felt like giving up but I didn't. You all were my inspiration to pick myself up and keep going. You saw me smile through my tears and you've seen your Daddy search for a life that wasn't as wonderful as he thought it would be. It didn't mean that he didn't want you children, he was lost and in a dark place. He faced certain demons and had to hit rock bottom before realizing that his family was what he needed all along. 

Yes, he did some pretty horrible things and his actions caused a lot of pain to us all but honestly, he is a great person. Underneath that tough exterior is a strong, loving man who would do anything for others. He may have strayed from our marriage for a while but during those times I never gave up on him. I married your Daddy for his heart and there hasn't been a day that I stopped loving him. One day you will meet someone that has the same affect on you and I just hope that you love them enough to help them through their dark times. 

Little Aaron: You are the most caring person I have ever known. You genuinely care for those around you and have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I have seen you be there for me, even when you weren't sure what was happening and that showed me how wonderful you will be when others lean on you for comfort. It isn't something you learn...it's in your heart, you were made that way. Don't ever settle for anyone that isn't as wonderful as you are! 

Dakota: Oh my how you amaze me!! You are so full of life and even during your sad days you smile. I see myself in you, we both wear our emotions on our sleeves and the last thing we want is for others, mainly Daddy, to be upset with us. When he is upset with you I can see all over your face that you are truly hurt. He loves you so much! I know that he sees a lot of himself in you when he was your age. Your personality is what makes you awesome, I hate that during our struggles you seemed to be the most affected. There were times you remained quiet and reserved; you even lost your smile some. Sweet baby, don't ever lose your smile again. You have so much to offer this world and I know that you will have your heart broken as you get older. I know this because like me you want others to love as much as you do. 

Savannah: Where do I even begin...you are a feisty, oh so strong child. I worry about you the most. I know that you will never have any problem taking care of yourself but I do worry that you will one day hurt like I have. I know I shouldn't but I dread the day a boy breaks your heart. When you marry I will worry that your husband will hurt you as your Daddy has hurt me. It breaks my heart, I have put up with so much from him and I don't want that for you. I want you to be stronger than I ever was and not live a life of constant fear and question of whether or not you are loved for all the right reasons. You are not disposable, you deserve respect and you should always love yourself enough to know when to walk away, no matter what the situation may be. It has taken me a long time to be that strong and I hope that you can one day be proud of me. You are a Daddy's girl and I know that he would never want a man to treat you as he has me. I wish I could erase our past but I can't, all I can do is start at this very moment to teach you how to love. I pray that by the time you find this letter you will have seen by your Daddy how a husband is to love and respect his wife. I hope he shows you that he has changed and that his heart is in the right place. You are his little princess and he will do whatever it takes to protect you. 

I want you all to promise me something, always be true to yourself. Boys, when you meet someone I want you to treat them as God intended them to be treated. You will meet people that are going to hurt you and betray you; some of them will be friends. Learn from them, don't be like them. A person with a good heart will not go around trying to destroy others. You are better than that, let God deal with them because the moment you try to destroy them for the pain they cause you is the moment you become just like them! They aren't worth it, trust me. 

Never accept an apology unless it is from the heart, forgiveness is the key to peace in your heart but sadly, you will never forget how they made you feel. That's ok, it will teach you how to be a better person. Lastly, always strive to be someone who is kind, loving, compassionate and humble. 

Love always,


Mommy

Life Is Too Short

This past weekend I had the pleasure of joining my husband on a weekend filled with friends and motorcycles. We attended a rally of sorts with his motorcycle club and while I was scared to death to get on the highway (first time ever for me) I actually enjoyed it. It's been a fear of mine since he started riding but I conquered my fear and actually enjoyed myself. 

Everything was going wonderfully until we encountered an accident, sadly it was another rider. Throughout the day we heard of more accidents, all motorcyclist. My enjoyment turned to fear and my anxiety levels went through the roof. Our weekend went from exciting and care free to somber and worrisome in just a matter of hours. It made me realize just how much I love my husband and how I have kept my focus on all the wrong things. 

I watched him get cut off on the highway more than once and it scared me. I kept thinking how precious life is and how I have put most of my energy on all the BS from others at the forefront of my life. I spend too much time worrying that things will go wrong in my marriage and that someone will interfere with my happiness that I forget to be grateful for what I have and where I am in life at this very moment. 

Life is too short to spend it worrying about what could go wrong or when the next wrecking ball is going to come our way. I've lost sight of all the wonderful things God has done for me. Spending my time in fear has kept me from moving forward and truly enjoying ALL parts of my life. 


I am guilty of forgetting to focus on everything that is truly important, those things and people that are irreplaceable. My husband and my children should be the ones to consume every ounce of energy, love and compassion that I have in me. Not the people or circumstances that have sucked the life right out of me. 

Each breath we take truly is a blessing; I will no longer spend my days worrying about people that are unworthy of my time and those that do not deserve to be a part of our lives.