I realize that as I write this letter you are all still young but I know that one day you will come across this. This is the hardest letter I have written but I want to explain some things that you may one day question. First, let me start out by saying that I love you three so much; anything I ever did was for you. While life may not have been great at times I never once wanted you to be hurt due to mine or your Daddy's actions.
When he and I first met we were happy and so much in love. As each of you came into our lives we knew what it meant to love unconditionally and that our job as parents was to protect you from any harm. The last thing we wanted was to be the ones to be the cause of any pain, heartache or confusion. You have watched us grow apart and you have seen how we can still love each other after all that we have been through.
It was never a secret that things between your Daddy and me were far from perfect. While we tried to shelter you from our problems there were some things that we just couldn't keep from you. From his first sit down with you boys explaining how he was leaving us to his unexplained days away to make himself better. You saw him move in and out of our home over and over. We never intended for any of this to happen and the last thing we want is for our actions to have any long term affects on your lives. I can't see into the future but I pray that you will each grow to be strong, loving individuals. I hope that you can learn from our mistakes so that you never have to experience all that we have been through.
I want you to always remember that no matter what you have seen, heard or felt we never blamed you. You will learn that life can be harsh, unexpected things can happen and as much as you try to avoid certain things sometimes you just can't. There were times I felt like giving up but I didn't. You all were my inspiration to pick myself up and keep going. You saw me smile through my tears and you've seen your Daddy search for a life that wasn't as wonderful as he thought it would be. It didn't mean that he didn't want you children, he was lost and in a dark place. He faced certain demons and had to hit rock bottom before realizing that his family was what he needed all along.
Yes, he did some pretty horrible things and his actions caused a lot of pain to us all but honestly, he is a great person. Underneath that tough exterior is a strong, loving man who would do anything for others. He may have strayed from our marriage for a while but during those times I never gave up on him. I married your Daddy for his heart and there hasn't been a day that I stopped loving him. One day you will meet someone that has the same affect on you and I just hope that you love them enough to help them through their dark times.
Little Aaron: You are the most caring person I have ever known. You genuinely care for those around you and have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I have seen you be there for me, even when you weren't sure what was happening and that showed me how wonderful you will be when others lean on you for comfort. It isn't something you learn...it's in your heart, you were made that way. Don't ever settle for anyone that isn't as wonderful as you are!
Dakota: Oh my how you amaze me!! You are so full of life and even during your sad days you smile. I see myself in you, we both wear our emotions on our sleeves and the last thing we want is for others, mainly Daddy, to be upset with us. When he is upset with you I can see all over your face that you are truly hurt. He loves you so much! I know that he sees a lot of himself in you when he was your age. Your personality is what makes you awesome, I hate that during our struggles you seemed to be the most affected. There were times you remained quiet and reserved; you even lost your smile some. Sweet baby, don't ever lose your smile again. You have so much to offer this world and I know that you will have your heart broken as you get older. I know this because like me you want others to love as much as you do.
Savannah: Where do I even begin...you are a feisty, oh so strong child. I worry about you the most. I know that you will never have any problem taking care of yourself but I do worry that you will one day hurt like I have. I know I shouldn't but I dread the day a boy breaks your heart. When you marry I will worry that your husband will hurt you as your Daddy has hurt me. It breaks my heart, I have put up with so much from him and I don't want that for you. I want you to be stronger than I ever was and not live a life of constant fear and question of whether or not you are loved for all the right reasons. You are not disposable, you deserve respect and you should always love yourself enough to know when to walk away, no matter what the situation may be. It has taken me a long time to be that strong and I hope that you can one day be proud of me. You are a Daddy's girl and I know that he would never want a man to treat you as he has me. I wish I could erase our past but I can't, all I can do is start at this very moment to teach you how to love. I pray that by the time you find this letter you will have seen by your Daddy how a husband is to love and respect his wife. I hope he shows you that he has changed and that his heart is in the right place. You are his little princess and he will do whatever it takes to protect you.
Never accept an apology unless it is from the heart, forgiveness is the key to peace in your heart but sadly, you will never forget how they made you feel. That's ok, it will teach you how to be a better person. Lastly, always strive to be someone who is kind, loving, compassionate and humble.
Love always,
Mommy
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