1. Coping In Unproductive Ways:
All we want is the life we once had, a rewind button. As the pain sets in we find ways to numb that pain. Whether our escape is alcohol, sleep, drugs or shutting the world out. At the time we fail to consider the consequences of our choices, all we know is that for a short moment we aren't hurting anymore. We aren't sitting and thinking about our situation or how much it hurts, it's a nice temporary escape, until we wake from our numbness and face facts once again. That's exactly what it is though, a short escape from reality and while it may be a nice break it can come with some life changing and long term effects. In reality, it's not worth it. We must find productive ways to cope because when that temporary fix is gone our problems will still be there.
2. Obsessing Over Why They Cheated:
Oh, that's a huge mistake I made. I spent more time trying to figure out the "why" than thinking about the "what now". It's an answer that you sometimes never fully get, an answer that changes each time it's asked as you dig deeper into the healing process. If we spend our time focusing on that one question we take a downward spiral that leads to a horrible pity party. We get to a point where everything in our life, including ourselves, is anything but perfect. It's not even worthy enough for them, that's why they strayed from the marriage right? WRONG!! They strayed because they are weak and were on a quest to find something that didn't exist! They cheated because they thought they could get away with it, and there is nothing you could have done differently to keep them from destroying everything. Don't focus too much on the why...instead, focus on healing and moving forward.
3. Unreasonable Expectations About Time:
Healing from infidelity does not have an end date!! There is no time frame and no matter what, you cannot rush the process. Especially if your spouse is saying "you need to let it go." They may have been able to move on from what they did, they'll do anything to forget what they caused. The longer it takes you to move on the more they are reminded of everything they did wrong. No one likes to have a constant reminder of their mistakes or bad choices. To that I say...Oh well! They caused your pain and they need to understand that you need time to heal. As times goes by you will notice the time spent not thinking about the affair...that will be a bittersweet day, or it was for me at least. I was happy because I realized I didn't have that dark cloud over me but I was a little afraid that I had just learned to ignore my problems. That wasn't the case...I was healing and once I realized that I was no longer afraid. It's taken me years to be where I am and as much as I wish it would have been an overnight process I am grateful it wasn't. I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much through this process.
Healing takes time, I wish I could tell others how long it will take them to get through this, but unfortunately it's different for everyone. Some heal quickly while the rest of us require more time. Either way, there is light at the end of the tunnel...you can't see it, but know that it is there.
